Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

[Newuser1987]

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

You've got to be taking the piss

I think it more likely that if she'd come on to him and he'd rejected her advances he would have told the OP that this was what had happened. To explain why the OW might have contacted OP - to get her own back.

OP's husband's responses have not been kind or considerate to her. They're not the responses you'd expect from an innocent man who is putting her and her well-being ahead of all else and who wants to get to the bottom of the 'conundrum'.

Because that would be harrassment...?

You don't show up at people's houses uninvited after they've told they don't want further contact with you. That's the very definition of harrassment.

Good lord the idiotic advice keeps pouring in 😑

I think you posted in the wrong place.

Could the lump be a bartholin cyst?

Either way, post where you intended on, it's great you have a scan booked and really better for you to wait for that. I'm not aware of anything that would cause an external lump and also bleeding but could be wrong. Good luck.

A likely scenario is that they were having a fling, and he then ended it. She might be getting back at him by contacting you. Sorry OP, this must be awful. No advice but sympathy.

Don’t people on here routinely tell posters that the wife has a right to know?

The OW has done what loads of Mumsnetters say is the right thing to do, and obviously she doesn’t want to get involved in prolonged drama between OP and her cheating sleazy husband.

One thing you must do is get checked for STI. Again I’m so sorry he did this to you.

Or she might have realised husband is a dickhead and is trying to do the decent thing by alerting wife to the fact. She doesn’t have to be ‘seeking revenge’.

They do however not all wives want to know ! I told my then best friend that her husband was cheating . He had admitted it to me .
She never spoke to me again . They are still together more than 20 years later.

I've never, ever known an OW to have an attack of altruistic conscience while still enjoying the benefits of the affair.

His marriage is his responsibility. Not hers. But I've never seen an OW do this to help the wife.

Exactly what Rene said.

And her bff knew and didn't tell her..

Well she was presumably one of the ones he'd been sleeping with. Obviously.

Or if not her someone very close to her like her sister or another very close friend.

I don’t think the other woman’s motivation is at all relevant. What is, is his shady behaviour. All the evidence points to him having cheated. Which is all the information I would need to leave someone.

@Readinginthesun Crikey, that's harsh, but a good reminder, that some people just don't want to know, and I suppose that works for some. After all, the alternative and mess of a marriage break up is very tough. OP may choose this path and maybe that will work for them (genie is out the bottle though, so I reckon it will niggle away).

I had the opposite situation. A very good friend of mine disappeared out of my life very suddenly. 15 years later, when I got divorced, we got back in touch. Turned out my Ex had come onto her very strongly one evening when she was staying over (he was drunk but that is absolutely no excuse). She agonised over whether to tell me, and decided she didn't want to be 'responsible' for breaking up our marriage and/or wasn't confident I would believe her. As it happens, I would have believed her.

UPDATE: DH is still acting like nothing has happened. From the outside, normal family life has resumed. In my head i am stressing.

I contacted this woman again. Apologised, begged her to send evidence.

She replied with "sorry I already said I don't want to be dragged into this and you've already said you've screenshot my messages on here which include my name and picture. I can't risk having my name dragged through the mud. I wanted to do the right thing but I can't give you anymore. Talk to your husband. Please don't contact me again."

My head is in bits. I will never know now. I've never doubted him before the calls earlier this year but he does get defensive when he's annoyed or if I'm being needy or overly sensitive. I wish I coul force a confession out of him so I could definitively leave based on fact rather than a gut feeling.

I think in your position I would behave as though you know her claims to be 100% true. Give him no wriggle room, tell him she's proved it to you and see how he responds to that extreme behaviour.,

Agree, time to call his bluff. I'd also be trying to investigate further through any work colleague you may know of his who you might be able to confide in.

I feel there's some really harsh comments towards the OW here, there's every chance that she didn't know he was married.

I know because the same thing has just recently happened to me. I had no idea that my colleague, after 6 months of him worming his way in to my affections- was in long term relationship. He let me find out on a work night out by overhearing other colleagues talking to him about her. Since that night I've been nagged with guilt knowing his gf's out there none the wiser.

In this case, it sounds as if (whether she knew or not) this OW is trying to do the right thing by giving OP the information so she can make the decision herself. I don't think a lot of PPs realise just how big an ask it is of OW to send screenshots of messages- yes it gives OP solid gold proof, but it may also cause the husband to seek revenge on her if his home life breaks down as a result.

Also, if he's anything like the loser I was dealing with, he'll have made sure he covered his tracks by sending the most incriminating messages over apps that auto-delete content.

OP please dont rely on this woman to spoon-feed you evidence that your husband needs ditching, she's already put her arse on the line, and I get the feeling even screenshots would be met by denial from your husband.

Oh, and the arsehole I was dealing with- found out a couple of weeks ago, I was the tip of the iceberg. He's now under investigation for serial sexual harassment and gross misconduct. These men need holding to account- we need to stop enabling them.

So are you scared of him?

Thanks whoops wrong area, just new to this😂

I did say to leave her alone, it was obvious she'd had enough by then. I also think it's obvious that it did happen.
Of course DH is behaving like nothing has happened. The more he does that, the more he feels that you believe him. But no-one can decide for you, I'm afraid..

Tbh annoyed at the other woman, too. I've blown your life apart, fucked your husband, told you to appease my conscience/"coming to you as a woman" but don't contact me again. What a fucking idiot. I'd leave anyway, even if he hasn't cheated (doubtful) he doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings.

@nannyquestion1 's post is sensible.

I second this.

Please remember, it's very likely this woman has been lied to, messed about and broken-hearted too.
Respect what she's asked and leave her out of it. She's done her bit.

I think the reason he's still acting as if nothing happened, speaks volumes.
Why isn't he contacting her in front of you???!!! Why isn't he angry that she's done this???!!!

I would tell him to ring her in front of you. If he refuses or dismisses you then you definitely have your answer 🤷🏻‍♀️