Do I tell his wife about affair?

[AFG1990]

2 years ago, I called off an affair with a married man. It went on for 4 years. I was single. I called it off as he kept breaking up with me and then coming back so I made the decision to get out of there as I was madly in love and knew he wouldn't leave.

Fast forward 2 years I am now in a happy relationship. My boyfriend was a friend before so he knows what went down with the married man. I still see the married man around now and then as we work in the same company. I don't feel anything for him now other than pity. But I've grown up now and I hate myself for what I did. I know it was beyond unforgivable. I was 23 when it started (no excuse I know but it was the first rush of love I ever felt), he was 30. I'm now nearly 30, he is 37. He is still with his wife and 2 kids.

Question is, do I tell her? I feel she has the right to know. At the same time am I just wanting to do it to clear my own guilt?

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

Unfortunately you don't get to take the moral high ground about what his wife deserves just because you're in a stable relationship now. Leave her be, he's a POS but it's not for you to reveal that to her, several years down the line.

No your happy now.

Eh nope, just because your now happy and feel guilty for what you’ve done doesn’t mean you get to decide to out him. Forget it and don’t shag anyone else’s husband…

No, the time has passed.

I think I would struggle to believe someone who told me they had been sleeping with dp for years, broke it off and then waited years to tell me.

That last part of your post doesn’t even make sense ‘now I am happy, I think it’s the right time to ensure her life implodes so she can have what I have!’ Really?

Given it is several years later, it really doesn't seem like you care at all about her knowing and this is really about getting a weight off your shoulders. That is not the right reason to tell. Your guilt is your own to deal with.

I do think everyone has a right to know who is in their marriage and about their partner sleeping with other people. I think everyone should have the right to choose for themselves if they want to stay or leave a sexual relationship that involves more than the two people who are in it. I am not a keep affairs hidden person at all and I don't agree with the ignorance is bliss philosophy but years later, finding a way to tell that seems genuine will be a challenge.

No. That would be very cruel for the children to deliberately cause hurt so long after the affair has ended. I'm really not sure what your true motivation is here.

As a PP says you don't get the moral high ground now. You both knowingly had an affair.

He behaved appallingly , as did you. However, if they've worked out their issues and are still together, then you don't get to try to break their marriage up for a second time. Leave this family alone.

Well I'd want to know if it was my husband. Whether it was 4 years or 14 years down the line. Then I could make an informed decision about my future with him.

He doesn't need to know you've told her. If you do tell her. She may decide to overlook it and stay, without him knowing she knows. And she may even already know.

Shit situation. Tough decision. Don't really think there's a 'right thing' to do.

You broke up with him because he kept breaking up with you. That still rankles you doesn't it. He ultimately didn't want you, and now you have an urge to blow up his, and his family's life, 2 years later. Go for it, if that makes you happy.
Either way, he made his mistake. Maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't but don't pretend you're doing this for anyone other than yourself.

This.

Deal with your own guilt by attending counselling or some sort of therapy.

I would but it may produce a lot of issues/conflict… as long as your prepared to deal with it

So You had an affair with somebodies husband and now you want to destroy her and her children’s life by telling her when years have past?

I find it very hard to believe you have good intentions, more like your ego is still hurt and you want to even up at the expense of his wife.

Do not tell her!

My husband had an affair and didn’t tell me and I found out. If I was told at the time great.

if I was told when the other woman had happily moved on much later I would tell her to fuck off

I completely disagree with your boyfriend. You carry the guilt because you did a shitty thing and you know it. How on earth does getting it off your shoulders by dropping a bomb in a family lighten that load?

If you need some kind of forgiveness, work through it in therapy, or see a priest etc, but do not delude yourself that this would be for her benefit.

Who knows where their relationship is now, or what work they have done.

That ship has sailed.

Passed

If I was the wife, I would want to know. Especially if he is a serial adulterer and having lots of affairs - she has a right to know so that she can make an informed decision for her future.

You wouldn't be doing it for her you would be doing it for you.
That's selfish.
Yes she's married to an arsehole but the respectful thing would have been never to get involved in the first place

So you want to lose the burden by passing it to his kids? Nice.

Look, you shagged a married man for years. You've grown up a bit now and feel bad. This is not the way to atone for what you did, or to get revenge or closure because he never committed to you.

The wife deserves to know but it would have been more helpful to have told her at the time. There's no guarantee that you'll feel better - especially if she doesn't believe you, blames you or cries to you over the phone. Do you really want to rehash the past? I can see why it's a good idea to tell at the time so that he never speaks to you again but after all this time - probably not. The only exception is if you knew her but that's not the case here.

Absolutely not. How would you feel in her position if you were told years after the affair ended that your DP had had a long-term relationship with another woman while supposedly faithful to you? Just no.

The problem with setting off truth bombs is that they create collateral damage and you will be right in the centre along with the “understanding” boyfriend.

Pound to a penny, your ex will cause as much trouble in your life as you do in his. Mr understanding will probably be at the wrong end of a lot of true or false details about you from ex. I doubt he is as sanguine about your affair as you think if he was waiting in the sidelines whilst this man screwed you over.

The pair of you may have more issues than you think. That might be your bond if at your best you both want to reopen this wound you both experienced.

Maybe you should move to a new company so you don't have to see this man again. It sounds like you are still bitter that he dumped you even though two years have passed, and you want to destroy his marriage now as you didn't succeed before. You didn't give a shit about his wife for four years so spare us the ridiculous story that you think she deserves truth and happiness how. Leave this family alone and live with your own guilt (if you genuinely have any).

I think that's the price you pay for your part in the affair: the guilt. I know he's her husband not you but still.. you could've said no.
Btw I would have thought most people feel the first rush of love as teenagers. Twenty three wasn't too young to know it was wrong.
You just have to accept that was you and what you've done. I think if her husband is still cheating she will eventually find out or may be purposefully turning a blind eye. Focus on your own life and leave the past in the past, in every way.

I’m with Unicorn

I would want to know - wouldn’t you, if you were the wife? I would tell her.

You don't get to explode someone else's life to make you feel better, @AFG1990 !

That weight of guilt is yours to bear; it's the consequence of your choices. Be a grown up and accepot that.