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Original poster

Do I tell his wife about affair?

173 replies

AFG1990 · 05/11/2022 11:36

2 years ago, I called off an affair with a married man. It went on for 4 years. I was single. I called it off as he kept breaking up with me and then coming back so I made the decision to get out of there as I was madly in love and knew he wouldn't leave.

Fast forward 2 years I am now in a happy relationship. My boyfriend was a friend before so he knows what went down with the married man. I still see the married man around now and then as we work in the same company. I don't feel anything for him now other than pity. But I've grown up now and I hate myself for what I did. I know it was beyond unforgivable. I was 23 when it started (no excuse I know but it was the first rush of love I ever felt), he was 30. I'm now nearly 30, he is 37. He is still with his wife and 2 kids.

Question is, do I tell her? I feel she has the right to know. At the same time am I just wanting to do it to clear my own guilt?

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

OP posts:
Sunflowerkeep · 05/11/2022 13:06

You are extremely spiteful aren't you. He didn't want you ,just a bit of fun on the side you were and will never be as special as his wife. Can't ou get over that bit as you're not innocent knowing he was married.

lamalovers · 05/11/2022 13:09

Name changed for this...
I've had affairs with married men, twice. I was young and bored and insecure and was furious at being rejected by so many (unmarried) boyfriends who had cheated on me.

I'm now married, with two young DC. I look back on that time with deep shame and embarrassment and I'm waiting for karma to get me and a young, beautiful, bored and insecure woman to turn MY husband's head.

I would never tell the wives - what good would it do now? Move on and promise yourself you won't behave in that way again.

elm26 · 05/11/2022 13:09

After reading your update, I actually think you're disgusting.

It's so clear that you LOVE all of this, why is he still able to contact you? He should have been blocked a long, long time ago but that would mean you can't thrive off the attention.

Like a previous poster said, karma is a bitch and I can bet my life that your boyfriend will stray/doesn't respect you/thinks you're a self absorbed tart but an easy ride/somewhere to live etc.

Yuck. Leave the woman and her kids alone. You haven't even cut contact with him, you don't feel any guilt at all.

user1471457751 · 05/11/2022 13:14

Your boyfriend's reasoning is incredibly selfish. It's not OK to throw a grenade into this woman's life just to ease the guilt you feel. Why should she have this on her shoulders rather than you when you're the one who fucked her husband for 4 years.

Original poster
AFG1990 · 05/11/2022 13:17

3ShotsOfEspresso · 05/11/2022 12:54

I’d tell her. If it was me I’d want to know.

It isn’t you imploding her life, it’s her husband. Dunno why so many PPs are implying you’d be the bigger shithead for telling her. You were both shitheads for the affair, but only he had made a legal promise to be faithful. And for all anyone knows, she may be living in a gaslit nightmare with a serial cheater and you’d be helping her.

Just don’t, under any circumstances, use the “now I’m happy I think you deserve it” smug bullshit line.

I'd never be smug about it. I' would just tell her the facts and leave it in her hands. I don't know how she will react or whether she'll kick him out but that's really up to her.

I wanted to tell her a while ago but he convinced me that he knows his wife and knows that she would go mental and would try to track me down and he doesn't want that to happen as it would be bad news for his kids. It almost sounded like he was scared of her. Now looking back, I think he may have said it to stop me from exposing everything. His wife is a nurse with 2 kids so I doubt she would have risked that to come after me. Then again I don't know her.

As far as I'm aware from what he told me during the years, the house is just in her name as she bought it before they got together and he moved in. So it might leave him homeless. He is the higher earner but he'll lose the house completely.

OP posts:
Dragonskin · 05/11/2022 13:19

The guilt you carry is a consequence of knowingly sleeping with a married man for 4 years. You need to own that, it's your problem to deal with not hers and it would be incredibly selfish to blow her whole world apart just because you feel bad about doing a shitty thing for a long time.

And if you think you would come out of it at work with your reputation unscathed you are very very naive. At the very least you'll be judged as a home wrecker by some of your colleagues and a liar by others.

Let sleeping dogs lie and get on with your own life. Indifference to him will be the marker of achieving that, not care, pity or the desire for revenge

GrandOleOpryNights · 05/11/2022 13:20

This reply has been deleted

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DeliberatelyObtuse · 05/11/2022 13:22

Don't tell her just to make yourself feel better. That would be a really really shitty thing to do

You did something awful and you feel guilty about it. Own it and live with it.

Quveas · 05/11/2022 13:24

AFG1990 · 05/11/2022 11:36

2 years ago, I called off an affair with a married man. It went on for 4 years. I was single. I called it off as he kept breaking up with me and then coming back so I made the decision to get out of there as I was madly in love and knew he wouldn't leave.

Fast forward 2 years I am now in a happy relationship. My boyfriend was a friend before so he knows what went down with the married man. I still see the married man around now and then as we work in the same company. I don't feel anything for him now other than pity. But I've grown up now and I hate myself for what I did. I know it was beyond unforgivable. I was 23 when it started (no excuse I know but it was the first rush of love I ever felt), he was 30. I'm now nearly 30, he is 37. He is still with his wife and 2 kids.

Question is, do I tell her? I feel she has the right to know. At the same time am I just wanting to do it to clear my own guilt?

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

That was always going to work out well, wasn't it. TBH I find your post hard to credit, but if it's true, it seems to summate as "you wre a self-centred b**h then and nothing has changed". Guess what? The entire world does not revolve around what you want and feel. Let us know when you do actually grow up?

mileaminute · 05/11/2022 13:24

I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

Oh give over!! GrinGrin what a load of crap.

dontputitthere · 05/11/2022 13:25

What does the boyfriend think of him texting saying you're the only person he could talk to...

Honestly. Just admit it. You love it

God you're grim

ZealAndArdour · 05/11/2022 13:27

You need to go to therapy to deal with these residual feelings. Don’t transfer the burden of bad feelings onto his wife at this late stage.

Maybe she already knows, perhaps he’s told her? Maybe she doesn’t and doesn’t want to either. Maybe he feels remorse every day and has worked really hard to repent, maybe he hasn’t and he’s still shagging around. Maybe she also had an affair and they’ve both made peace with their mutual indiscretions. None of its any of your business, perhaps their relationship is stable and happy now?

If I were now truly happy and contented I would be actively avoiding any drama in my life and would be working quietly internally (and in therapy) to reconcile that past version of me with who I am now. You can still be a good person who has done less than good things in the past.

Blizzardbeach · 05/11/2022 13:33

Live with your own guilt. Don't throw this on the poor woman now you're in a good place.

Actually seems rather vindictive to me. Tbf that's more disgusting than you sleeping with a married man for years who you knew had children in that marriage.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2022 13:34

I already judge myself

I don’t think you do

WandaWomblesaurus · 05/11/2022 13:43

I'd be very very careful with your boyfriend tbh. People say they don't mind but the reality is that your value as a partner changes as soon as they find out that you are untrustworthy or have low self respect.

You fell for (and colluded in) the lies told by the married man in order for him to justify having sex with you. Why would you want him to lose his house now if you are supposedly so happy? Why are you still texting him? Why are you still so invested and why are you bringing your boyfriend into this?

You will lose everything.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/11/2022 13:43

Oh God leave it. Nothing to be gained at all from doing this two years down the line. I speak as an ex wife cheated on multiple times. Leave her alone. Leave her kids alone. Feeling guilty is the price you pay 🤷🏻‍♀️

Daisy62 · 05/11/2022 13:50

Don’t tell his wife. This will involve you in further drama and your motives are not honourable. The most honourable thing you can do now is leave your job. Remove yourself from this man’s orbit and don’t respond to messages - block him. Seek counselling for your feelings.

supertato32 · 05/11/2022 13:55

Please don't do it! You only want to tell her to appease your own guilt (Sorry it's the truth)! She won't thank you for it, it will destroy her life and her kids life. If he's that much of an arsehole, she probably already knows he's a dick (she might even know about the affair)! If she's blissfully unaware and happy just leave it be!

SirenSays · 05/11/2022 14:00

I'd tell her and I'd want to be told in her position. Just because it's over with you, doesn't mean he isn't still cheating.

Duplocrocs · 05/11/2022 14:00

Forget about it, move on. Nothing to be gained for anyone hashing it all out now

Ekátn · 05/11/2022 14:03

You care about him? But also want to tell his wife, years after. And you also only want to tell her because ‘she deserves to find a love as good as I have’

Your posts are so smug it’s unreal. And contradictory.

This woman isn’t a pawn in some game you want to play. If I was your boyfriend I would be concerned that you want to drag this all up again.

sadiewt · 05/11/2022 14:04

Your motives are entirely self centred and drama seeking. Know when to keep schtum.

RFPO77 · 05/11/2022 14:07

I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders.

Good god, not only did you shag her husband you now want to shift your guilt from your shoulders to hers so you can live your life while destroying yours. You sound vile and one day you will reap the rewards for the way you live your life. Usually I'm a fan of letting the wife know but with your intentions I think the best thing you can do is leave this poor woman alone.

Crimsoncupcakes · 05/11/2022 14:26

My guess is that OP loves a bit of drama and attention, that’s why she was fucking a married man. Now she’s a bit bored in her ‘happy, stable relationship’ and needs to get a bit of that drama back by telling this mans wife.

What a disgusting person you are OP. People like you never change.

Those were my exact thoughts too. Looking for a bit of drama back in her life. If OP really gave a shit about the wife she wouldn’t have shagged her husband.
I despise all this ‘I need to tell the wife as she has the right to know’, like this somehow makes you an admirable person. The husband is obviously the worst as he made the vows, but OP isn’t much better as she’s partially responsible for splitting up a family. I agree , OP is a truly disgusting person, being 23 is a fucking poor excuse too. It’s old enough to know better, but weak people are good at finding excuses for their bad behaviour

Original poster
AFG1990 · 05/11/2022 14:30

WandaWomblesaurus · 05/11/2022 13:43

I'd be very very careful with your boyfriend tbh. People say they don't mind but the reality is that your value as a partner changes as soon as they find out that you are untrustworthy or have low self respect.

You fell for (and colluded in) the lies told by the married man in order for him to justify having sex with you. Why would you want him to lose his house now if you are supposedly so happy? Why are you still texting him? Why are you still so invested and why are you bringing your boyfriend into this?

You will lose everything.

I don't want him to lose his house. It was a reason for me not telling her as I know he stands to lose more than just his wife. I want her to know the truth because I'd want to know, but I don't want him to have the struggle getting a roof over his head.

OP posts: