Do I tell his wife about affair?

[AFG1990]

2 years ago, I called off an affair with a married man. It went on for 4 years. I was single. I called it off as he kept breaking up with me and then coming back so I made the decision to get out of there as I was madly in love and knew he wouldn't leave.

Fast forward 2 years I am now in a happy relationship. My boyfriend was a friend before so he knows what went down with the married man. I still see the married man around now and then as we work in the same company. I don't feel anything for him now other than pity. But I've grown up now and I hate myself for what I did. I know it was beyond unforgivable. I was 23 when it started (no excuse I know but it was the first rush of love I ever felt), he was 30. I'm now nearly 30, he is 37. He is still with his wife and 2 kids.

Question is, do I tell her? I feel she has the right to know. At the same time am I just wanting to do it to clear my own guilt?

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

Again, what difference does it make what OPs motivation is? If it were my cheating dh I wouldn't give a f**k

When I was 17 I fell in love with a guy who said he was 22. 3 months later he said he was 26. Then by the time I was besotted...he was actually 30. All within 6 months of knowing him.
12 years difference. He was my first proper bf, I was so naive. He took advantage as I was young and inexperienced. Each time I professed love...he revealed another secret.
Another 6 months later it turned out his kids mum still lived with him but they 'were only together for the kids'. Eventually he broke it off with me because i was asking when we could actually be a legit relationship so his family etc know. And he couldnt give me that. Basically I'd call him all times of the day and it became too dangerous for him to have his phone going off while his missus was there (that's what I guessed caused the break up)
A few months later, he changed his mind and by the time he tried to win me back I had actually realised wtf he had done to me. He had me where he wanted me and anytime I complained he would say 'well you already know I've got kids/she lives with me'. It was atrocious. I never went back. I couldn't believe how I fell for it. Those few months apart helped me snap out of it. Changed my number (don't remember block functions lol, this was about 2006)

16+ years later it wouldn't even cross my mind to tell his 'missus' (turns out they were married the entire time, and i actually saw them together 3 years ago)
Even when I was 19/20 and we had broken up, at no point did I ever consider telling his wife.
Purely because I'd got over it. I didnt care. I don't see the point in saying anything once it's all done dusted and over, say it while you're in it if you have to.
When it's done...who are you actually pleasing with this information? You? Her? The kids?
And do you really know how badly he will react? What if he does something stupid? Never ever trust a man who cheats on his wife. He can fuck his own family and kids about without a care, why wouldn't he try to seek vengeance from you.

My ex was a tosser. I look back and laugh at what he did. But tearing a family apart was never my thing.

I think its odd that you're in a happy place and want to do this.
I think you're either not happy or you're not actually over it.

Dont fucking tell her

it was years ago

why on earth would you dredge this all up again
and bomb another woman’s life

sheesh 🙄

You are still too far invested in this man.

Yep. I don’t understand why she’s showing so much compassion for him when he has shown zero compassion for her. Mind boggles.

Anyone seen active employment issue thread 'same text' wife's viewpoint 🤔

checked his phone and I'm absolutely sickened. He has constantly been emailing/messaging this woman at work saying sorry (doesn't state what for) didn't mean it, I want for things to go back to what they were, let's meet up for a coffee and clear the air, sorry, sorry, sorry, I miss our chats, I can't talk to other people like I can talk to you, I love you-oh when I say that I don't mean it in a romantic way. I mean as a friend someone to talk to. What have I done I'm sorry. Please be my friend again

I’m confused, the wife has posted?

The situation is different. It’s not the wife.

Unless this Op just forget to mention she reported him for bullying and intimidation which led to him being suspended.

If you really cared that much you wouldn't have had an affair with him for four years! You're really no better than him knowing the situation. Leave them all alone. If you're as happy as you say you are and you're over him you wouldn't even be thinking about it. Unfortunately I think you're still jealous he's with her as he clearly wouldn't leave her for you.

What a nasty spiteful thing to consider doing, what exactly do you intend to gain by doing it? You come across a someone who is completely self obsessed with a poor little me attitude, trying to sound sweet and innocent when in reality all you want is some sort of vicious revenge.
You had an affair and obviously enjoyed it, now is the time to finally grow up get over it, and start your new life, so keep your mouth firmly shut, and don’t even consider destroying this man’s marriage along with the lives of his wife and his children.

Almost everyone on here had told op not to tell the wife

which must mean that almost everyone on here wouldn’t care of their husband had a four year affair - so long as he regretted it

have some self respect people

Thing is, according to OP he's still texting her with what sounds like pathetic attempts to hoover her back in, so I can't see any sign that he even regrets it.

He's so unsafe for his wife, he's another affair waiting to happen. Her choices removed again, more chance for her to be gaslit and lied to and her right to enthusiastic consent with full transparency taken.

It's so sad.

have some self respect people

its not that
but it’s not the moral responsibility of a mistress to inform the wife !

end it , back the fuck off

If my husband cheated on me I wouldn't care if the affair was 20 years ago,2 years ago or 2 months ago I'd liked to be told because I would deserve to be told so that I could make a choice about what I would like to do about it (cheating is a hard no for me so he'd get the boot).

I really don't understand this whole don't tell the DW/DP mentality from other women;surely we should be advocating for the DW/DP to be able to know and make their own choices about what to do.

I would want to know.

thenewduchessoflapland

i don’t disagree
but why is the OW seen as accountable for telling ??

cheaters have friends , siblings , colleagues
they can and should tell as they know the wife

but the OW has no stake in this

I haven't specified who should tell her;if someone knows then they should tell her with "her" being the DW/DPwho's the victim of a cheating DH/DP.Same for anyone who's the victim of a cheating spouse or partner;they deserve to know.

I told a close friend her husband might be on tinder (about hearing about it being gossiped about which was awful);my friend had her suspicions and was able to create a fake account and indeed found him on there.It wasn't the first case of him sniffing around other women but he was a gaslighting .

There's another thread on here at the moment where the wife has been contacted by a former female work colleague of her DH's who's told her they slept together.

I'm shocked at the amount of people who are telling OP to leave it.

It's like people's anger towards the OP have overridden the fact that the wife deserves to know.

Who cares why OP wants to tell the wife. If my husband had a FOUR year affair, I'd want to know about it, even if it was 20 years later never mind 2.

OP, tell her. She has the right to make an informed decision about how she wishes to spend the rest of her life and who the man is that is sleeping beside her every night.

Telling at this point is nothing short of revenge. No way should you tell her. It’s not relevant anymore to either of you as you will never get what you wanted out of him. This guy did the honourable thing and stayed by his children. It was wrong to expect that he should have done otherwise.

So after fucking someone's husband for FOUR years, you now want to play Mary Poppins? Nope.

If you had any sort of genuine remorse, you would have let the cat out of the bag, long before now.

Don't be a bitch. Be happy with your present partner, learn your lesson, and move along..

I think it’s about OW growing up, seeing she had been used and wanting the guy to face consequences for using her. I don’t judge your actions at 23, you were played for a fool, but there is a lot of ego and hurt riding in this. He destroyed you and you wish the same for him too.

For god's sake OP, leave the poor woman alone, you've done enough damage already!