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Original poster

Do I tell his wife about affair?

173 replies

AFG1990 · 05/11/2022 11:36

2 years ago, I called off an affair with a married man. It went on for 4 years. I was single. I called it off as he kept breaking up with me and then coming back so I made the decision to get out of there as I was madly in love and knew he wouldn't leave.

Fast forward 2 years I am now in a happy relationship. My boyfriend was a friend before so he knows what went down with the married man. I still see the married man around now and then as we work in the same company. I don't feel anything for him now other than pity. But I've grown up now and I hate myself for what I did. I know it was beyond unforgivable. I was 23 when it started (no excuse I know but it was the first rush of love I ever felt), he was 30. I'm now nearly 30, he is 37. He is still with his wife and 2 kids.

Question is, do I tell her? I feel she has the right to know. At the same time am I just wanting to do it to clear my own guilt?

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

OP posts:
Sweetcakelady · 05/11/2022 14:47

@AFG1990

Please just don't say nothing at all.

I have been where you are and walked away. Trust me not worth making things 10 times worse for yourself and you have a new boyfriend.

larkstar · 05/11/2022 14:59

@AFG1990 First take everything your married ex had said about his wife and the house with a pinch of salt - it's not hard to see he has a motive to control the narrative - of course he wouldn't want you to approach his wife. Second - ignore the advice given here - it's a familiar pattern I really don't understand - I don't know why you came here to ask ( is you've ever seen any similar threads the advice is always leave it, it's none of your business, etc. You do what you want. You probably don't know half the real story. We're you the only one? Another one in a series of affairs? Were there others after you? Really you apply know what he told you. If he took the risk as a married man to have an affair - it's a risk he was prepared to take - the worst case outcome would be that he would be fine out - week that's a gamble he was prepared to take and if he does get outed that's tough sh!t IMHO. His wife is possibly living a lie if she doesn't know what her husband is doing behind her back. You'll have to live with the consequences of whatever you do - just think it through. If, overall you think you'll feel happier by telling her then go ahead but I imagine it's a very conflicting decision and obviously not going to be without some negative repercussions on you: it's your life, your decision. If you are telling her out of bitterness or vengeance you might not feel as good afterwards as you think you might: you do what you want - no one's opinion here matters IMHO.

ListeningButNotHearing · 05/11/2022 15:46

Get off your ‘moral’ high horse.
You’re as selfish now as you were then.

Davethecat2000 · 05/11/2022 15:56

Cool story bro

Twiz5218 · 05/11/2022 15:57

Why would you tell her? What good can come of it?

Genevieva · 05/11/2022 16:28

Leave them be. It was two years ago. You are now happy. You have no idea what might be going on in their lives. Also, if you go stalking him for his home address or his wife's contact details or use work data to get them then you would rightfully lose your job. Honestly, your guilt does not give you the right to ruin their lives. Go and do a good deed that you might not otherwise have done. Help in a food bank or a women's shelter or something like that. It is a much better way of expunging your conscience. And maybe look for a promotion at a different company so you don't have to bump into him.

Watapalava · 05/11/2022 17:46

God there are some proper door mats on here!

i don’t give a shit what your reasons are for telling her but if I was the wife I would 100% want to know!!! Yes tell her. Time having passed doesn’t mean he’s got away with it!

are you all really saying you don’t care if you dh all had affairs years ago? For me I wouldn’t care if an affair was current or ten years ago. I’d still dump the lying bastard

Buildingthefuture · 05/11/2022 18:06

If I was the wife and you told me, my first question would be….why the actual FUCK didn’t you tell me 2 years ago?? And you would say what??
Seriously op, you aren’t coming across very well here. Being 23 is absolutely no excuse. You knowingly and willingly shagged a married man with 2 kids for 4 YEARS. You knew the difference between right and wrong and you knew it was wrong, but you chose to do it anyway. You gave not a single fuck for his wife or children, only yourself. He, of course, is an enormously selfish tosser, but any shame you feel is yours to carry. But honestly, from what you’ve written, you aren’t motivated by shame. Perhaps it’s unintentional but you sound….selfish and smug….exactly like you were when you engaged in the affair. Leave her alone and find a different job.

Openanursery · 05/11/2022 18:17

I know everyone is questioning your motives around why you want to tell her now.

However regardless I'd still want to know. Idc whether my partner cheated yesterday or 50 years ago. I'd want to know and I'd leave them.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 18:46

Time has passed

Leave it alone.

You were in a 4 year affair and your knew everyday it was wrong... but now you want to relieve your guilt.

Go to confession.
See a therapist

I don't like things being dredged up from the past. If it was recent... then fine.

If you were so happy with your life and relationship, you wouldn't give this man a second thought. It's history .

You ended the affair... so unless he's been bothering you and trying to suck you back in... then drop it.

Bedazzled22 · 05/11/2022 18:47

No I’d leave it as its for your benefit not hers otherwise you’d have said sooner. She probably knows.. just have to put it behind you

Ludo19 · 05/11/2022 18:57

ChattyPat · 05/11/2022 11:57

You broke up with him because he kept breaking up with you. That still rankles you doesn't it. He ultimately didn't want you, and now you have an urge to blow up his, and his family's life, 2 years later. Go for it, if that makes you happy.
Either way, he made his mistake. Maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't but don't pretend you're doing this for anyone other than yourself.

This 100%

GoldIsMyBirthMetal · 05/11/2022 19:00

No you definitely should not tell her. You should live with unpleasant memories of what you did, do not bring it up 2 years on.

icelollycraving · 05/11/2022 19:03

No. Do not tell her. What are you trying to gain from dropping that shit bomb?
So now you’re happy, you want to make someone see it?
He chose her. Just move on with your life. You probably weren’t the first, unlikely to be the last. She may know. There are children. She probably won’t believe you and it could cause hassle at work. Nope.

Marmitemother · 05/11/2022 19:50

Watapalava · 05/11/2022 17:46

God there are some proper door mats on here!

i don’t give a shit what your reasons are for telling her but if I was the wife I would 100% want to know!!! Yes tell her. Time having passed doesn’t mean he’s got away with it!

are you all really saying you don’t care if you dh all had affairs years ago? For me I wouldn’t care if an affair was current or ten years ago. I’d still dump the lying bastard

This!!

Butterbeer4All · 05/11/2022 19:51

Ekátn · 05/11/2022 11:45

No, the time has passed.

I think I would struggle to believe someone who told me they had been sleeping with dp for years, broke it off and then waited years to tell me.

That last part of your post doesn’t even make sense ‘now I am happy, I think it’s the right time to ensure her life implodes so she can have what I have!’ Really?

This

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 05/11/2022 20:23

You don't sound like a nice person. Now you are happy, you want to create another storm for the family. You seem to give too much headspace to this man and his family. Are you just being spiteful? You were responsible for sleeping with a married man and you already did something bad to that wife. Both of you should take the moral burden, not the innocent family now. I cannot understand your intention to now tell the wife after all these years. Are you feeling you are on a high moral ground because you tell your boyfriend?

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 05/11/2022 20:35

I always say I would like to know but after this amount of time has gone by then no. You should have done it at the time, now it just looks spiteful and that your not really over him.

HelterSkelter224 · 05/11/2022 20:36

Absolutely not

Lili132 · 05/11/2022 20:38

OP you are posting on forum full of wives and mothers. You're not going to get any sound advice here as an OW. Majority will over - identify with the wife in the scenario and will only respond to transfer their anger at you.

Firts of all I want to assure you that although you did something very wrong it seems you learnt your lesson and you deserve to forgive yourself.
Do not tell your wife in hope that it will bring you closure or relief. It won't and it's a very selfish reason as well.

It's really hard to tell what would be best for his wife because no matter if you tell or not there will be negative consequences. Personally I would like to know, especially if it was full blown affair rather then an one night stand. But some people would prefer to not know and not have their lives thrown upside down.

Also if she asked you for a proof of an affair would you be able to provide any?

Otherwise you will just leave her hunging without knowing what to believe and how to move forward.

Peekachoochoo · 05/11/2022 20:43

I'm a bit confused. What are you hoping to achieve?

You had no conscious for two years while you were shagging him. Why now? Because you actually really wanted him and couldn't have him and now you've found someone else so you're a smug married.

You sound like a bitch tbh.

Move on. Leave the company if you have to and put this behind you. Your future self will thank you.

excelledyourself · 05/11/2022 21:08

I want her to know the truth because I'd want to know

It's not about what you want. Maybe she wouldn't want to know? Especially after all this time. Maybe she has other stuff going on in her life that means she just doesn't need this right now?

I'm sure for those four years, you would also have wanted to know if it was happening to you, but her knowing didn't matter to you then.

Leave it alone.

And get some therapy to help work out why in your happy and stable relationship, this is still taking up so headspace for you, and what you are getting from still having this guy on the sidelines.

supertato32 · 05/11/2022 21:22

@Watapalava not sure we're doormats for telling the OP not to tell the wife! The OP had four years to tell the wife whilst the affair was happening, she didn't! She is a bit of a dick to want to suddenly bring it up after all this time, it's not about the wife it's about her!

If the question was 'I discovered my best friend's husband is having an affair, should I tell her.' Then absolutely!

This is one selfish woman, who had an affair with a selfish man wanting to be selfish all over again to appease her guilt by telling the wife! Let karma sort this one out.

boobot1 · 05/11/2022 22:03

Watapalava · 05/11/2022 17:46

God there are some proper door mats on here!

i don’t give a shit what your reasons are for telling her but if I was the wife I would 100% want to know!!! Yes tell her. Time having passed doesn’t mean he’s got away with it!

are you all really saying you don’t care if you dh all had affairs years ago? For me I wouldn’t care if an affair was current or ten years ago. I’d still dump the lying bastard

I couldn't agree more.

Watapalava · 05/11/2022 22:21

Supertato32

perhaps the op is being selfish and bitchy for wanting to tell the wife

but regardless of her reasons are we all so weak to not let another women know if she wants to waste anymore time on a cheating husband - this wasn’t a one night stand

it was 4 years

awful behaviour at the time for op but equally anyone who doesn’t pass on such information - regardless of time is a very weak person. She was selfish then.

the wife needs to know now.

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