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Original poster

Do I tell his wife about affair?

173 replies

AFG1990 · 05/11/2022 11:36

2 years ago, I called off an affair with a married man. It went on for 4 years. I was single. I called it off as he kept breaking up with me and then coming back so I made the decision to get out of there as I was madly in love and knew he wouldn't leave.

Fast forward 2 years I am now in a happy relationship. My boyfriend was a friend before so he knows what went down with the married man. I still see the married man around now and then as we work in the same company. I don't feel anything for him now other than pity. But I've grown up now and I hate myself for what I did. I know it was beyond unforgivable. I was 23 when it started (no excuse I know but it was the first rush of love I ever felt), he was 30. I'm now nearly 30, he is 37. He is still with his wife and 2 kids.

Question is, do I tell her? I feel she has the right to know. At the same time am I just wanting to do it to clear my own guilt?

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

OP posts:
Rainraingoaway11 · 05/11/2022 23:10

No!!! Such a cruel behavior to want to reveal something of the past that is over 2 years now and you have also contributed to it.

This man may feels guilty for his past and if he could turn the clock back he may would have been faithful to his wife. In any case, it’s a thing from the past, you are not his present, his family is and you have no say on their future. How much selfish you are?

You clearly don’t have kids and you are not settled down and you want to dig things from the past.

Please don’t do something that you wouldn’t like someone else to do to you.

Dont be selfish and enter into reality and adulthood!

Watapalava · 05/11/2022 23:19

Rainraingoaway11 · 05/11/2022 23:10

No!!! Such a cruel behavior to want to reveal something of the past that is over 2 years now and you have also contributed to it.

This man may feels guilty for his past and if he could turn the clock back he may would have been faithful to his wife. In any case, it’s a thing from the past, you are not his present, his family is and you have no say on their future. How much selfish you are?

You clearly don’t have kids and you are not settled down and you want to dig things from the past.

Please don’t do something that you wouldn’t like someone else to do to you.

Dont be selfish and enter into reality and adulthood!

Are you saying that you don’t care if your dh had affair for 4 years if he’s since regretted it? That you’d happily plod on and rather not know?! Wow!!!

larkstar · 05/11/2022 23:30

@Rainraingoaway11
Surely the longer the affair or the longer an affair is kept secret - even after it has finished - the deeper the hurt when it is eventually discovered? To think that your partner not only had an affair but then kept it secret for years afterwards - wouldn't you feel that they had effectively lied to you for years - that your life together was a lie, a sham, not what you believed it to be - surely that must go deeper and hurt more - be harder to recover from - surely better to know sooner rather than later as it then leaves you more time in your life, possibly years more time, to leave the marriage if you so wish or at least have the choice about what decision you make.

MMmomDD · 05/11/2022 23:30

Don’t put absolving your guilt on her.
Plus - if anything it’s his guilt that matters here. He made a promise to her, not you.

But most importantly - don’t use your own ideas of what you think you’d want onto what she wants. She has kids and a family, it changes a lot. Everything, actually. You aren’t in a comparable place, so you have no idea.
Yes - in some world where everything works as it’s supposed to be in books - he would have come clean to her on his own, etc;
We don’t live in such world.

Let then all be. And let them have their lives the way it currently is, It’s not your place to throw a bomb into it, just so you may feel a little better. Plus - it won’t help you anyway. The devastation your confession would cause will be far greater than your current bad feelings about the past affair

TheGuv1982 · 05/11/2022 23:30

Had an affair, willingly for 4 years with someone that had a partner, and now you find your morals? Absolute snake.

PS5Gamer · 05/11/2022 23:52

No, that’s a very cruel, nasty and vindictive thing to do! Leave the Woman alone.

SandyY2K · 06/11/2022 00:02

I remember reading a thread on another site, about a man who confessed his affair 12 years later abd told the husband of the woman he had an affair with.

He was on the twelve step AA program.

Really blew her life up, even if we long over. Her husband was devastated as onrv world expect.

CJsGoldfish · 06/11/2022 00:15

I want her to know the truth because I'd want to know, but I don't want him to have the struggle getting a roof over his head

You want her to know NOW but didn't give a fuck then? 🙄
Make no mistake, this is all about YOU and, much like the time you were fucking her husband, you don't care about doing the right thing for HER.

I don't think you've given much thought to the wider potential ramifications. They won't be just on him, believe me. Are you able to cope with whatever comes your way if you go down this path?

DGay · 06/11/2022 00:46

No don't say anything. You would just be getting it off your shoulders but destroying the wife and kids. Hopefully he has learned is lesson and is being a good husband. It's been over for years, so let it be over.

Brainks · 06/11/2022 00:55

Personally If I was the man at the end of this situation and you do what you are thinking then I would make it my life goal to absolutely ruin you and your relationship too.

be careful what chain of events you could set off.

TheSilentPicnic · 06/11/2022 01:12

Yes, tell her.

firesideglow · 06/11/2022 02:09

What an utterly cuntish thing to do. Didn't have these virtuous morals when younger shagging someone else's husband. Leave the poor woman alone. Why haven't you already blocked this man too!?

Fraaahnces · 06/11/2022 02:26

Telling you that you are the only one he can talk to, etc. Is self-serving twaddle. He is testing the waters to see if you are dumb enough to be flattered enough to fall for that kind of narcissistic narrative (it’s not at all about missing you, is it? It’s about the impact on HIM.) and whether you’re available to jump his bones. I think you definitely did yourself a favour getting rid of him. I would even go as far as to wait until the next pathetic missive from him and let him know that if he contacts you again, you’re sending his wife proof of the affair. No holds barred.

Changemaname1 · 06/11/2022 03:04

Honestly can’t see how this will rid you of your guilt , if you hear on the grapevine they’ve split , she’s struggling , kids are upset etc etc if anything that would make you feel worse so am not sure it’s really about guilt

never speak to this man again and leave it in the past

TTCBBY3 · 06/11/2022 04:20

DO NOT TELL HER

Your reasons for wanting to tell her are purely selfish, as has been your behaviour throughout quite frankly. You ended it with him because you felt like he was ending things with you too frequently and you didn't like the way it made you feel, you couldn't have cared less about the wife back then. Now you're happy and don't want him back, and all of a sudden you care about the wife? No you don't. You care about yourself. Now you've got nothing to lose you're quite happy to ruin his life because you know it won't affect you because you don't want him back. You're selfish. The affair was in the past, leave it there.

Billslills · 06/11/2022 05:30

I’m usually in support of telling the wife (who wouldn’t want to know if you were her?!) if it can be done in a dignified way but given that it was a few years ago and you work together, I think it’s too late to do it now. I’m sure he’ll get found out eventually

Madamecastafiore · 06/11/2022 05:45

You need to consider that the shit hitting the fan might include your affair being made public knowledge at work and whether that would negatively impact your career.

Outtasteamandluck · 06/11/2022 05:46

This going to go well ........

Onedayatatime22 · 06/11/2022 06:25

It would be the ultimate revenge, wouldn't it? The ultimate FU to the man who didn't want you. It doesn't sound to me like you have moved on at all. It sounds like now that you feel you're on more stable ground, it's time to fling some mud and watch his family disintegrate around him.

Why are you still obsessing about a relationship that was dead in the water years ago? And why are you discussing it in your current relationship?

Focus on yourself and your new man... move on.

Rainraingoaway11 · 06/11/2022 07:01

@larkstar and @Watapalava you are both thinking the same way unlike most people in this thread.

If my husband had an affair for 4 years and it’s been 2 years now that he would have been committed to our marriage, then no I wouldn’t want to know , if we had kids!!!

All people make mistakes and some of them learn from they mistakes and there is also a world called “forgiveness”.

If this man would like to be with this woman he would either have continued the affair the last 2 years or would have ended his marriage.

He made his decision and is committed to it so let the past be and focus on the present.

If we had kids and if his affair was ended 2 years ago I wouldn’t want to know.

Rainraingoaway11 · 06/11/2022 07:10

OP behaviors and thoughts like yours really make me unable to trust anyone in this world! You are a true snake and covered with a layer of “good intentions” … I hope we never cross paths in life.

overthehill7 · 06/11/2022 07:11

You telling her has absolutely no purpose except breaking up a family at this point.
You've moved on, he's moved on. It would be different if it was currently happening.

I do understand people saying she deserves to know. However with children involved, it isn't as easy just to up and leave.

Being cheated on and a break of trust can have such a long lasting effect on someone's mental health and self confidence. I wouldn't wish that upon this poor women just because you decide to "care"

Ndd135632 · 06/11/2022 07:17

Please let her be

Talon01 · 06/11/2022 07:43

Brainks · 06/11/2022 00:55

Personally If I was the man at the end of this situation and you do what you are thinking then I would make it my life goal to absolutely ruin you and your relationship too.

be careful what chain of events you could set off.

Also imagine a scenario where he effectively gets away with it and there's a lot of fall out for you.

Have you considered the potential blow back on this.

It does seem you crave a bit of drama given you are in a good place with a new partner.

hallowedweens · 06/11/2022 07:43

No