Do I tell his wife about affair?

[AFG1990]

2 years ago, I called off an affair with a married man. It went on for 4 years. I was single. I called it off as he kept breaking up with me and then coming back so I made the decision to get out of there as I was madly in love and knew he wouldn't leave.

Fast forward 2 years I am now in a happy relationship. My boyfriend was a friend before so he knows what went down with the married man. I still see the married man around now and then as we work in the same company. I don't feel anything for him now other than pity. But I've grown up now and I hate myself for what I did. I know it was beyond unforgivable. I was 23 when it started (no excuse I know but it was the first rush of love I ever felt), he was 30. I'm now nearly 30, he is 37. He is still with his wife and 2 kids.

Question is, do I tell her? I feel she has the right to know. At the same time am I just wanting to do it to clear my own guilt?

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

Lol at your sudden need to do the right thing and feeling like she has the right to know. You didn’t think that after you’d just sucked his cock or before you fucked him knowing he had just waved goodbye to his children ? Funny that.

You did something dreadful and now you’re all sorted you want to get back at this man for all the times he dumped you.

He’s a cunt but you’re no better. Nothing will or should lift the weight from your shoulders. Live with it. And your boyfriend knows the sort of woman you are, good men don’t respect women like you so you better keep a close eye on him. Karmas a bitch. 😇

No - you’re just feeling better about yourself and want to offload. Shame on you!

Be very careful. A neighbour of ours told a wife about their affair and the man battered her. She was in hospital for 3 months. I would leave well alone.

Would you want to know? I would. I want agency over my own life.

You're in a stable relationship now, not a fucked adulterous one, which is why it's highlighting how unfair what happened was. I can understand why that's made you think about telling her now. And I think it's right. I don't think it will unburden you though. What's done, is done. Unfortunately he's still trying to do it.

A relative of mine told me of one of her friends who was also a colleague - a woman in her twenties - who was seeing an older married man who worked at the same firm.
Bearing in mind I don't work at the firm, don't know anyone personally at the firm, don't know my relative's friend ... I still got to know about it and could identify the two people involved by name.
This example has always stuck with me to show me that sometimes lots and lots of people know about affairs, with the wife being the last to know, that's if she ever finds out.
I can't help thinking of the most nightmarish scenario that these women find out about their husband's affairs upon the death of their husband.
I think the wife has a right to know ASAP.

“I think that's the price you pay for your part in the affair: the guilt. I know he's her husband not you but still.. you could've said no. Btw I would have thought most people feel the first rush of love as teenagers. Twenty three wasn't too young to know it was wrong. You just have to accept that was you and what you've done. I think if her husband is still cheating she will eventually find out or may be purposefully turning a blind eye. Focus on your own life and leave the past in the past, in every way.”

This. And how would telling his wife get the weight off your shoulders? And why should you have the weight off your shoulders? You still slept with her husband and participated in the associated deceit of the wife for 4 years. That weight is yours to carry - not his wife’s.

Look - I’ve made some very serious mistakes in life; done some things I would give a lot to change if I could. I think most people have. But we can’t go back. You can’t undo the affair. But you can behave decently now. In this case, I don’t think blowing up this woman’s life is really the decent thing to do. So leave her alone. Probably also - get another job so you’re no longer around your former affair partner.

If it was a point of morality and “doing the right thing” you would have

1. not slept with a married man
2. ended the affair
3. told his wife at the time

The fact that it’s years later, and you ended it because HE kept ending it with you means that it’s got f all to do with morality, and it’s all about your ego.

You want to throw a grenade into this family’s life, because you’ve moved on, and feel like it will lift a weight off your shoulders?! How selfish can some people be?

Guilt is the price you pay for sleeping with a married man, and causing a cancer in his marriage/home life. Deal with it by having therapy if you need to. His wife doesn’t owe you her heartbreak to ease your conscience.

I wasn't expecting so many to say not to tell her. I guess maybe I am just doing this for myself to relieve my guilt.

I have a great job with a great company so I am unlikely to leave any time soon. Same goes for him. I rarely work directly with him but still see him around. Every so often he will text me and remind me that I'm the only person he's ever really been able to talk to. I just normally respond with a thumbs up emoji and not engage in conversation. There is no chance anything will start up. I know he wants a friendship, he has done since we called it off, whereas I just want to be civil and treat him like any other coworker.

I guess a part of me thinks that if his wife knows, he will back off from me completely and sort himself out. I don't feel anything for him anymore but he did play a huge part in my life over those 4 years so I care/pity him.

Weight of your shoulders and clearing your own guilt - all about you isn’t it!

shame you did think about the wife when you were shagging her husband.

Tell him he needs counselling.

Get on with your life.

Leave his wife alone.

I think that's possibly even more cruel than having the affair in the first place. You get to move on and be happy but you've already played a hand in ruining her marriage and potentially breaking up her kids family and now she has the pleasure of sorting out the mess you and her husband created whilst you get to swan off into the sunset with your boyfriend.... that seems fair. I don't know what you think telling her now would achieve? Will that be you finally winning when her husband has nothing left but you're in a happy relationship? Seems like this serves your own agenda of SEEMING like you have developed a conscience and realising the extent of what you've done but actually you just want the smug self satisfaction of being the one to come out on top. There is nothing in this for the wife so stop kidding yourself.

Destroying someone’s life to ease your guilt is shameful
live with what happened and move on

you have no moral high ground to climb onto

I think your stupid to think you can go dropping bombs into someone’s life and there won’t be any repercussion for yourself

You sound incredibly selfish and self indulgent. Telling her won’t make the situation better - it certainly shouldn’t make you feel less guilty. Live with shame - 4 years this went on?? Why do you think you deserve to feel better about this at the cost of someone else?

I doubt doing it will "clear your own guilt". And if you think potentially making someone miserable will make you feel better maybe you aren't as happy as you think.
Leave it alone, he's over you, sounds like you're not over him.

Would you want to know? There are so many posts on here with women driving themselves crazy with suspicion and being gaslit by their DHs. Give her some clarity. Just don't expect it to do you any good.

Ignorance is not bliss, its torture.

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

He’s definitely done the dirty himself if he’s saying that - stable and happy relationship my arse 😂

Oh come on, you are looking no one. You want revenge because he kept dumping you. Leave his family alone and maybe don't fuck married men in future.

Why are you still in personal contact with him and responding to his texts?

Does your boyfriend know you are still communicating with your affair partner?

You need to decide at some point to end all contact. If you need to communicate through work channels for work you do that but he should be blocked in every other way.

I’d tell her. If it was me I’d want to know.

It isn’t you imploding her life, it’s her husband. Dunno why so many PPs are implying you’d be the bigger shithead for telling her. You were both shitheads for the affair, but only he had made a legal promise to be faithful. And for all anyone knows, she may be living in a gaslit nightmare with a serial cheater and you’d be helping her.

Just don’t, under any circumstances, use the “now I’m happy I think you deserve it” smug bullshit line.

If you loved him then, and care about him now. Don't tell his wife. Hopefully his affair with you was a one off and a stupid mistake. His family deserves to be happy and he should have learned his lesson. If it happens again with another woman maybe that's when his wife should get to know! Keeping away from him and limiting contact is the best thing, especially if you're as happy as you say you are (which I'm doubting) Your new partner sounds like a saint by the way

It's all about you, isn't it? Now that you are "wiser", you feel righteous. Believe me, she knew/knows, and the last thing she wants is a fake remorse from the OW.

No guarantee she knew/knows.
In fact, from all the threads on here, where women are desperate, looking for answers, being gaslit all the time, it's much more likely she doesn't know.

I broke up with a boyfriend who I suspected was cheating on me but he would swear blind he was not. Six months later after I had moved on and was finally getting my life together his best friend rang me out of the blue at my workplace to tell me I had been right and then proceeded to tell me he was so glad he had made the call as he had always carried the guilt of not telling me when I was with my ex. It totally devastated me. But then my friend pointed out to me what a prick the guy was as he was only telling me to make himself feel better with no thought for the impact on my life. This is about you and your guilt - you need to leave that family alone.

Wow. Normally I'm firmly in the tell the unsuspecting wife. But you're so warped in your attitude towards him I don't trust you not to inflict more suffering than necessary on the poor woman.

Your posts are literally all about you. He didn't pick you and you can't stand that he still has his happy life.

Not one ounce of remorse.

But you 'care' about him. Aye right.

You're an utter disgrace.