Do I tell his wife about affair?

[AFG1990]

2 years ago, I called off an affair with a married man. It went on for 4 years. I was single. I called it off as he kept breaking up with me and then coming back so I made the decision to get out of there as I was madly in love and knew he wouldn't leave.

Fast forward 2 years I am now in a happy relationship. My boyfriend was a friend before so he knows what went down with the married man. I still see the married man around now and then as we work in the same company. I don't feel anything for him now other than pity. But I've grown up now and I hate myself for what I did. I know it was beyond unforgivable. I was 23 when it started (no excuse I know but it was the first rush of love I ever felt), he was 30. I'm now nearly 30, he is 37. He is still with his wife and 2 kids.

Question is, do I tell her? I feel she has the right to know. At the same time am I just wanting to do it to clear my own guilt?

My boyfriend said he will support me either way but he says I should tell her if I feel like it's going to lift the weight off my shoulders. I think that being in a stable happy relationship has highlighted to me how much everyone deserves that and I don't think it's fair that this woman has to live a lie like this.

No judgement please, I already judge myself.

He texts you stroking your ego and you respond with a thumbs up emoji?

You are loving the connection still. You want to keep him on the side. You adore the drama.

If you were really sorry you'd delete his number and never respond in any way to any messages from him.

Telling his wife now is just another way of involving him in your sphere of influence again.

I'm amazed your bf isn't seeing this. I hope he does twig and dumps you sharpish.

Fuck off and try to grow up.

I think you've had some harsh responses here OP and I am not one to side with affair partner! You did a terrible thing and for what it's worth, as someone who has seen people realise just how awful their behaviour was during an affair and feel absolutely devastated about it, I think it's easily possible that your guilt and shame is eating away at you.

The fact is that you colluded with this man for four years. I can't help but feel irritated that this nasty piece of work who has robbed his wife of her choices for four long years, will 'get away with it'. He's not remorseful, he's not changed he's still living with his wife while texting you sweet nothings. This sounds like a man who has done zero self reflection.

In those circumstances he's unsafe for his wife that is not a place I'd want to be.

If your were happy, you’d have out this behind you and not be asking about it. Personally I think you’re selfish to tell the wife now, but next time he contacts you, tell him if he does again you’ll tell the wife.

Sorry rain but that makes you one compete doormat

to stay with a man who had an affair of 4 years!!!! A man who was dumped no less.

i will never read a ‘leave the bastard’ thread on here again as so many posters have proven yourselves to be spineless!

what you’re all really saying is you’d rather have your fingers in your ears shouting lalala..”I don’t want to know if my dh has had an affair, best I don’t know, gotta keep up appearances” etc

you should be ashamed of both lack of personal standards and the image you present as women and to your dc

the op reasons are selfish yes but to not give the wife the choice - in any affair situation is shit. If I got wind of any affair of anyone I know I would 100% pass that on and let them decide

god talk about having no respect for yourselves

op is being disingenuous in her reasons I expect but as a wife I wouldn’t give two hoots why she told me I’d just want to know- those who don’t clearly are the type of wallflower wives who are cheated on

Perhaps the reason so many men have and get away with affairs is because about 90% turn a blind eye

Leave it alone No good will come of telling her

Leave it . Your guilt is your punishment as his is . He would only deny your affair and paint you as a crazy lady .

Stop trying to make yourself feel better and leave his wife alone. You sound cruel wanting to tell her after 2 years but didn’t give a shit fucking her husband for 4.

Some of these comments on here are truly awful! Calling the OP scummy and repulsive, I bet none of you have ever made a mistake! God, I bet you are all holier than thou, probably just paranoid your husband will run off with someone much hotter and not dull as ditchwater!

Its not actually relevant to the wife why OP is doing it. Guilt, revenge, smugness. Thats on OP. The question is, does the wife have a right to know or not? It wasn't a one off, it went on for years, this isnt a one night accident. Id like to know who im married to. Some women would rather not and it leaves them with a torturous choice to make. Impossible to say which one his wife is

Ah behave yourself.

Shagging someone for 4 years is a ‘mistake’.

Sitting on the information for 2 years isn’t a ‘mistake’

Deciding to use the wife in your own little games isn’t a ‘mistake’

Of course people have made mistakes, no one claims to be perfect. Even those calling op scummy etc. But what op did and is continuing to do, isn’t a mistake. It’s a series of choices.

And I am not even married. So no fear of a husband running off. I don’t want to get married, again, because I don’t like the idea of promising a romantic relationship will last forever. Your argument women must be scared of their husband running off with another woman makes as much sense as me assuming you are an OW and afraid this is what people think of you? or that you are the Op that’s name changed and realised that not everyone will believe you are a victim and extremely brave and wonderfully for tell the wife. Or that people have got to close to seeing exactly what game you are playing.

Also agree with a pp. Using terms like repulsive and scum for OP is not on. For a start it appears OP was very young at the time of the affair, some basic awareness of how immature we all were at that age wouldn't go amiss

@TheSorceress2

OP is disgusting and trying to sound like she’s trying to help the wife out by letting her know her husbands a cheating wanker. Pity she didn’t keep her legs crossed then she wouldn’t be in this dilemma. Also it’s a pity she’s waited 2 years before deciding that now is a good time , if she was truly remorseful she’d have spoken up sooner surely?
Fuck no, I’m not holier than thou, I’ve made some fuck off massive mistakes in my time. But, never , NEVER have I fucked another woman’s husband, I just couldn’t sink that low.
You have a great deal of empathy for a cheat, I wonder why that might be 🤔

The irony is outstanding

all calling op fit to burn but happy to let the dh get away with it by telling her to keep quiet 🙈

this isn’t about her reasons - see past that. A wife should always know. Always.

This is quite easily solvable. Remove his number/block.
You don't get to think you have higher ground just because you're in a different place right now.

So you ease your "guilt" by telling the wife, but you're forgetting they have children together. Why should the family suffer as a whilr because of the fathers actions. That's not your call to make.

If you truly was sorry, (which I doubt you are as you're still engaging in contact with him), you'd delete his number. Not try to play the dutiful ex mistress role now, when you was happy to play the dutiful mistress role then for years.

Then keep your mouth shut and stop trying to offload your guilt on her. The time to tell her was when you were opening your legs for her husband. Don't you get it? This turmoil you feel now is your penance for the shitty thing you did then. This is what you have to live with when you shag other people's husbands. And you know the best bit? It won't even stop after you do tell her because you'll still feel crap about it. Stop trying to make out you care about her and want to do her a favour to help her. Get on with your own life and move on. If you do tell her, hopefully he's right and she'll make your life hell.

Legs crossed? It was more of the man's responsibility to keep his pork sword in his trousers being the married one! So much hate for the OP and yet the man is being given a hall pass to get off scot free with his wife none the wiser!

Do you think if you told her she would be like oh Thankyou for telling me I’m so pleased you are happy in life blah blah, trust me as the wife of someone who had an affair when I found out I was gunning for the other woman aswell as my husband (ex).

you are worried she might come after you? Yes she probably will and most likely make your life a living hell

On the contrary I think people are just questioning her motives for waiting 7 years to suddenly play the grieving wronged woman who just wants to do the wife a favour. She didn't give a toss about his wife's feelings when she was being an easy lay.

Completely agree

As a DW I’d want to know. Even if it was years ago. 4 years of deceit, what a vile man he is.

Every so often he will text me and remind me that I'm the only person he's ever really been able to talk to. I just normally respond with a thumbs up emoji and not engage in conversation.

If you really were that happy, that over it and didn't enjoy the drama and ego stroking interacting with him provides... you wouldn't reply at all.

You're getting something out of it. I think you like feeling like his 'one that got away' and now you enjoy feeling like your current partner and this bloke both have you on a pedestal.

Stop replying, grow up and move on.

I think if you were going to tell her it should have been years ago. You would only be doing so now for selfish reasons whatever you tell yourself.