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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think DH is cheating

232 replies

Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:17

I think DH might be cheating on me...I've noticed some weird things this last few days.
When we were at a formal event for his work last week, all my stuff didn't fit in my clutch bag so he put some of my makeup in his suit jacket pocket. A couple of days ago, I went in his wardrobe and got it out and found a little cut up strip of viagra - no big deal, he's only ever worn that suit when he's been with me...maybe he's having issues that he doesn't want to talk about. He's older than me and has been having health issues, so could be linked.

On Wednesday I was upstairs and needed a pen to write something down - his work bag was sitting in the room so I put my hand in and grabbed a pen, along with 3 condoms. I bought him this bag for Christmas last year - we don't use condoms (once or twice in the early days but these were a different brand than the one and only pack we had) and he had the snip in February. He didn't start using the bag regularly until March/April.

So I went digging. On Thursday I found a stash of viagra with a prescription date of 4th October, plus loads of empty packs in his suitcase. There were 3 left in one of the packs. I put it all back in his bag. We didn't have sex Thursday night as he has a whopping cold and went to bed earlier than me.
He went working last night, so I had a look in the suitcase again...the remaining pack was gone but all the empties still there.
None of this is conclusive evidence but pretty damning. What do I do? I don't want to confront him until I have something irrefutable.

He isn't acting strangely, he's his normal, affectionate self and our sex life is good - sex at least twice a week. He worships me.
This is second marriage for both of us and we both have DS from previous marriage. I have 50/50 with ex, so we fit our sex life around DS being at his dad's...but do have spontaneous sex when he's asleep.

He has been promoting a young woman through his work, which has helped her achieve many accolades and much exposure in a very short space of time...I can't explain further as its VERY identifying. I've met her, she's lovely and absolutely do not believe she would be interested in DH romantically, but I suppose it's not beyonce the bounds of reason that this might be an arrangement to further her success.

DH physically caught his ex wife cheating, so is very vocal against infedility...so it just seems so out of character.

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Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:19

Long time user...have namechanged for this post

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AlwaysFoldingWashing · 05/11/2022 11:26

Hmm not looking great to be honest, the condoms more so that the viagra. Could you just sit down and tell him the truth, that you were looking for something else and found them in his work bag? See what he says.

I'm really sorry, this sounds awful, but I'd speak to him now before your kind goes into overdrive and you drive yourself nuts

SheWoreYellow · 05/11/2022 11:28

I don’t know. If you speak to him now, then if he is up to something, he’ll lie and be more careful in future. If he isn’t then you’ve wrecked the relationship by accusing him.

Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:32

That's kind of where I am in my thinking at present.

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Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:33

I don't want to draw attention until I have something more concrete, at the risk of damaging the relationship.
I just have to try and be normal and see if I notice any further irregularities.

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LeMoo · 05/11/2022 11:34

DH physically caught his ex wife cheating, so is very vocal against infedility...so it just seems so out of character.

From personal experience, this doesn't mean anything. If someone wants to cheat, they will and they'll just find a way to justify it.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 05/11/2022 11:35

If he's had the snip then the conforms are to protect against STDs presumably so I think that in itself is enough to have the conversation. I don't know why he would keep empty viagra packs unless he is hoping to get caught so he can take the pressure off from having an affair...

SaintVal · 05/11/2022 11:37

Personally, I wouldn't say anything just yet but I would certainly be doing a bit more digging. How is he with his phone? Keeping it close?

bingotime · 05/11/2022 11:38

Not sure what other evidence you need?!

Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:39

SaintVal · 05/11/2022 11:37

Personally, I wouldn't say anything just yet but I would certainly be doing a bit more digging. How is he with his phone? Keeping it close?

No closer than usual...he has the same phone for work and personal so he always has it about him - not unusual for him.

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Buildingthefuture · 05/11/2022 11:40

Can you dig a bit more? Bank statements, phone bill, text messages, emails etc?
You need to ask him, but, if he is up to no good, as pps said, he will lie, so, forewarned is forearmed……

Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:40

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 05/11/2022 11:35

If he's had the snip then the conforms are to protect against STDs presumably so I think that in itself is enough to have the conversation. I don't know why he would keep empty viagra packs unless he is hoping to get caught so he can take the pressure off from having an affair...

This is possible...but I do think he'd be horrified if I said anything.

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Nap1983 · 05/11/2022 11:41

Sounds pretty conclusive however why would he leave condom wrappers where they would be easily found. Surely he’d be far more careful than that… I’d take pics of viagra and ask him outright

FatToFitPart3 · 05/11/2022 11:41

How old is his DS op? Could he have a few condoms around to give him if he’s going on a night out and doesn’t have any?

SheWoreYellow · 05/11/2022 11:41

bingotime · 05/11/2022 11:38

Not sure what other evidence you need?!

Well yes. If he’s used a viagara and you didn’t have sex then it seems fairly conclusive I’m afraid.

TheDuchessOfMN · 05/11/2022 11:42

You and him don’t use condoms, he’s had a vasectomy?
But yet you’ve found condoms in a suitcase that he started using last March? Unless I have misunderstood, then I don’t think there is any possible explanation for that other than he has been unfaithful

So sorry 😞

Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:42

Nap1983 · 05/11/2022 11:41

Sounds pretty conclusive however why would he leave condom wrappers where they would be easily found. Surely he’d be far more careful than that… I’d take pics of viagra and ask him outright

I've taken photos of everything...the condoms were unused but not in box.

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Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:42

FatToFitPart3 · 05/11/2022 11:41

How old is his DS op? Could he have a few condoms around to give him if he’s going on a night out and doesn’t have any?

He's only 10 and doesn't live with us.

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Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:44

TheDuchessOfMN · 05/11/2022 11:42

You and him don’t use condoms, he’s had a vasectomy?
But yet you’ve found condoms in a suitcase that he started using last March? Unless I have misunderstood, then I don’t think there is any possible explanation for that other than he has been unfaithful

So sorry 😞

I fear there is unlikely to be a reasonable excuse, that's true.

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xPeaceX · 05/11/2022 11:46

Via grant could be for himself and he may not have wanted to admit that to you, but the condoms, not sure that looks good.

I'd say he has a crush on the woman he's promoting and was hoping/fantasising about something happening there....

Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:47

xPeaceX · 05/11/2022 11:46

Via grant could be for himself and he may not have wanted to admit that to you, but the condoms, not sure that looks good.

I'd say he has a crush on the woman he's promoting and was hoping/fantasising about something happening there....

This seems possible...although there's no outward signs of limerance towards her...that I've noticed.

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Otterock · 05/11/2022 11:57

My first thought was if he could be using escorts?

Annabananna1 · 05/11/2022 11:57

I don't actually think you need any more evidence. This is conclusive. Affair / having sex elsewhere.

You don't use condoms but he has been using them. Viagra gone when you haven't had sex...

Get that phone of his and look for hidden messaging apps.

brandonflowersmushtash · 05/11/2022 11:58

Not looking good, sorry OP.
In regards to the condoms, the first thing I thought of was prostitutes.
I really hope not and there is another explination for this.

Greengrassbrokenglass · 05/11/2022 11:59

Annabananna1 · 05/11/2022 11:57

I don't actually think you need any more evidence. This is conclusive. Affair / having sex elsewhere.

You don't use condoms but he has been using them. Viagra gone when you haven't had sex...

Get that phone of his and look for hidden messaging apps.

To clarify, I don't know that the remaining viagra has been used, only that it have been removed from the suitcase either on Thursday night or yesterday daytime.
The woman in question wouldn't have been at his workplace last night...and it's not the sort of place you could get up to anything.

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