I think DH is cheating

[Greengrassbrokenglass]

I think DH might be cheating on me...I've noticed some weird things this last few days.
When we were at a formal event for his work last week, all my stuff didn't fit in my clutch bag so he put some of my makeup in his suit jacket pocket. A couple of days ago, I went in his wardrobe and got it out and found a little cut up strip of viagra - no big deal, he's only ever worn that suit when he's been with me...maybe he's having issues that he doesn't want to talk about. He's older than me and has been having health issues, so could be linked.

On Wednesday I was upstairs and needed a pen to write something down - his work bag was sitting in the room so I put my hand in and grabbed a pen, along with 3 condoms. I bought him this bag for Christmas last year - we don't use condoms (once or twice in the early days but these were a different brand than the one and only pack we had) and he had the snip in February. He didn't start using the bag regularly until March/April.

So I went digging. On Thursday I found a stash of viagra with a prescription date of 4th October, plus loads of empty packs in his suitcase. There were 3 left in one of the packs. I put it all back in his bag. We didn't have sex Thursday night as he has a whopping cold and went to bed earlier than me.
He went working last night, so I had a look in the suitcase again...the remaining pack was gone but all the empties still there.
None of this is conclusive evidence but pretty damning. What do I do? I don't want to confront him until I have something irrefutable.

He isn't acting strangely, he's his normal, affectionate self and our sex life is good - sex at least twice a week. He worships me.
This is second marriage for both of us and we both have DS from previous marriage. I have 50/50 with ex, so we fit our sex life around DS being at his dad's...but do have spontaneous sex when he's asleep.

He has been promoting a young woman through his work, which has helped her achieve many accolades and much exposure in a very short space of time...I can't explain further as its VERY identifying. I've met her, she's lovely and absolutely do not believe she would be interested in DH romantically, but I suppose it's not beyonce the bounds of reason that this might be an arrangement to further her success.

DH physically caught his ex wife cheating, so is very vocal against infedility...so it just seems so out of character.

The thought had crossed my mind but it's my understanding that escorts usually supply the condoms.

I just desperately want to be wrong. I don't want to go digging in his phone but I think I will have to.

You need to get your hands on his phone.

Do you have a joint account or you check his bank statement?

I'm sorry, OP, there are bits of this story that feel too familiar to me...the mentionitis, the condoms, the viagra. I guess the one bit of silver lining is that he's given some thought to his (and indirectly your) sexual health. Sometimes it's the ones who seem least likely.

As for leaving wrappers etc...could be an unconscious wish for you to find out.

Unfortunately, we don't have any joint accounts and neither of us has paper copies of statements for our accounts- the joys of online banking!

I don't think you should put any focus on the woman you think it is, whether she was there or not. He could have easily found someone online (married hook up sites) or even adult work. Anything.
What you do know is it's likely he is having sex elsewhere.

The churning in my stomach on reading this...I know it must be true but I'm clutching at any straws I can find.

When would he have time to cheat? Is he out more than usual or staying back at work more often?

Very difficult.
I would be pretty confident he is cheating but it would be very hard to prove based on what you've said, if he's using escorts. If it's a full on affair you may find evidence as he falls in love and makes mistakes.
Can you get his phone and look at phone records (Google numbers for escorts) and search history/photos?
Otherwise you are a bit stuck - knowing he is unfaithful but also knowing he will deny it. You could still confront him though

I'm not focusing on who, as such, she just seems simultaneously the least and most likely candidate in trying to make sense of it. Whoever she turns out to be, she is not the one who made wedding vows to me. I know that.
My focus is firmly on him. On why. And how.

I'll try and take a look when he goes for his next shower.

It seems they’re all at it from recent posts. Been there it hurts like hell wouldn’t wish it on anyone but I wouldn’t bury my head on this either x

Not sure why you think you need more evidence, you have enough already.
Sorry this is happening.

You're going to be fine...knowing the truth is way better than living with all the lies that grow up around a situation like this. I lived with the lies for 10 years and it deeply affected me and the DCs...I ended up thinking I was the problem, and the DCs had problems. You have much more strength than you realise and knowing the truth will help you tap into that.

Get as full a picture of the finances before deciding what action to take, though. My DH was full of remorse, which helped me to get a full picture even after confronting him. If he'd remained in denial it could have been very difficult for me.

Also - having therapy really helped (I was in therapy already when everything fell apart). In the beginning, just having someone else think through things with me was a lifesaver...it meant I could spot the inconsistencies in the story and push on to get the whole truth about the situation.

Here for a hand hold and spine stiffener whenever you need.

Thank you all so much.
I need to stop deluding myself that any man can be as perfect as the pedestal I have placed DH upon.
I will do some more digging. I don't know how I can be normal around him when I'm in absolute turmoil...but I need something he can't bullshit his way out of, and that - i feel- will only be found on his phone.

I would guess prostitutes.

That, for me, would be worse than an affair with an emotional connection.
To know how little a man respects women that he is happy to buy consent is something which will never sit right with me.

As others have said, I really do think there's only one answer here unfortunately. I do think the evidence you have already is enough to confront him with but definitely try to get to the phone. Good luck! X

Sorry OP this must be a horrible shock.

I can't really imagine why he'd have these two things with him unless he's covering for a colleague or something?

It would make me question the story about his ex wife cheating on him, though. Are you 100% on that?

If it turns out to be the case of prostitutes, be prepared for your view to be challenged. He will no doubt say that he considers it to be 'just sex' and that's not as 'bad' as an affair. It might not come to any of this though so best of luck and positive thoughts @Greengrassbrokenglass

I'm so sorry, but unfortunately I know for a fact, not all escorts use condoms. So your DH would have to provide them.

What I did, as awful as it sounds, was buy a apple tag, put it in his bag. And drive to where he was.

This is so similar to what I went through, but I was gaslit into believing I was crazy, that was until I used the AirTag.

He works from home mostly, as do I. He does work out of the home at the weekend at night but not many colleagues and, without being too identifying, definitely limited scope for an affair there.

I don't doubt him about ex wife's affair - it was common knowledge at the time...although, it's not implausible that it was a reaction to shenanigans such as I seem to find myself in now.

Sorry you are going through this op.
I terms of logistics where and when could he be having an affair? Youve mentioned he works from home... Does he ever not come home at night from nights out witb friends etc? Have you noticed he's been going out with more frequency recently or you've struggled to get hold of him ever?

I’d say escorts are more likely than a good looking young woman, why would she want to have sex with him?

If you even think he’s capable of exploiting his seniority to get sexual favours surely that’s a dumpable offence quite apart from the cheating angle.

I don't want to confront him until I have something irrefutable.

I think condoms are concrete evidence.

I would try not to focus on this colleague as you could miss potential clues - eg he can’t be cheating with her as this colleague is on holiday abroad, therefore he’s not cheating.

Prostitutes was my first thought too - which is why the condoms are kept in his bag instead of workplace or at her home and why he’s taken the empty packets with him and not disposed of them at her house.
I would assume he’s using the car to have sex and therefore puts the condoms in his bag.

Many men who use prostitutes say that they don’t see that as cheating.
So yes he could be against infidelity but not put paying for sex into that category.

I would firstly be thinking about when he has the opportunity to cheat - is he late home from the office, does he have a hobby, does he get a text and makes an excuse to leave etc.