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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex trying to blackmail me

159 replies

ellie09 · 03/11/2022 12:31

Looking for some advice on what to do

My ex came across some pictures of me after he factory reset my old phone (it was previously locked as LO had it to play with). He then took photos of these pictures and kept them on his phone even after I told him to delete them. Some of these are varying levels of kink (nothing illegal or anything like that)

I contacted CSA about lack of payments from him. They obviously contacted him so he rang me and gave me abuse down the phone. He is also trying to buy a house at the moment so wants a divorce.

Basically after calling me every name under the sun, He's threatened me with showing these pictures to my family, to his solicitor, to the social workers (even though it doesn't involve our son) and ruin my life by "ruining my character" if I don't give him half the money for the divorce and drop the CSA case.

What do I do? I was thinking about calling the police to put a stop to it but I have no idea what they can do?

At the same time I don't want to not do anything as he's incredibly abusive and manipulative so I wouldn't put it past him to actually do something.

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 03/11/2022 12:34

Tell him the photos may embarrass you but nothing about their existence is a crime. However, revenge porn and blackmail are crimes and you recorded his threats and will go to the police if you have to.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/11/2022 12:36

They are incredibly embarrassing, nothing you would want people seeing but there's nothing criminal about it.
The thing is anytime I even say to him about keeping a record, ill be reporting etc it seems to fuel him more and the abuse escalates

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 03/11/2022 12:37

Then don't just threaten it, do it!

IncompleteSenten · 03/11/2022 12:38

That's because he thinks by bullying you, you won't take it further.

Report him.

GinIronic · 03/11/2022 12:40

Tell the police. Blackmail is a crime.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/11/2022 12:40

So report him now. Right now. Today.
Then he has absolutely nothing in you.
And he may be arrested. See if the fucker is so smug then.

Eviebeans · 03/11/2022 12:41

If you let him see that you are willing to bow to pressure from him there will be no end to it.

SpinningFloppa · 03/11/2022 12:43

Police

CrushedPistachios · 03/11/2022 12:43

Honestly, go to the police.

did he send messages with these threats, or was it done verbally?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 03/11/2022 12:43

www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/threats-to-disclose-private-sexual-photographs-and-films
It's illegal. Dont delete his texts etc. Report to police.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/11/2022 12:43

and ruin my life by "ruining my character"

Where did you find him, in a Victorian novel? no-one's character is going to be ruined by some lowlife posting revenge porn, people are much more likely to feel sorry for you and think he's an absolute arsehole.

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/11/2022 12:45

I would tell the police immediately. I wouldn't warn him or anything like that, just report it and say you want them to deal with it.

Obviously it would be embarrassing if those photos were shown to other people - they weren't intended for them to be seen. You've done nothing wrong, though. He, on the other hand, is blackmailing you, which is a serious criminal offence.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/11/2022 12:45

And what everyone else said about reporting it. Blackmail is a crime, as is posting revenge pics.

HappyHamsters · 03/11/2022 12:46

Blackmail and revenge porn are a crime so you contact the police and tell your solicitor. Why would he think his solicitor would want to see them or your family who just need to block him. Stop answering his calls, block him, dont engage or threaten him with action. Let your solicitor deal with his.

PeekAtYou · 03/11/2022 12:47

Revenge porn is a crime. I think we all know that he will use this threat forever if you cave.

Penguinsmum · 03/11/2022 12:47

Tell the police immediately. They will take this seriously. Show them the texts he's sent etc. You have don't nothing wrong. Stand up for yourself and show this low life who's boss.

oobeedoobee · 03/11/2022 12:51

Have you got this on text or email ? If not, then I'd advise you to only contact him through these so that you can obtain written proof of the threats.

Then you have 2 choices really.

You can ignore him totally, and hope he doesn't show people these pics. (But if I were you, I'd be telling the people he may send them to what he's threatening to do, especially his damn solicitor !!)
or you go and tell the police that he's threatening you with this, and show them the written proof.

But whatever you do, don't stop your CSA case, and don't agree to give him anything money wise !

If he's going for a divorce, you'll need a solicitor at some point after he's filed divorce proceedings (which he may not do for a long time if he can't afford it), so make sure you inform them of all this too.

Keep all communication in writing. Refuse to answer verbally at all (Stick to 'I don't know' or 'I'll think about what you said' as standard responses if you see him in person) and set up a new email address for emailing him, so that you only need to go on it when you feel ready. Block him on your usual mobile and on any SM too. Buy a cheap PAYG mobile and send him the number, telling him this is your new number, then mute the ringer and never answer any calls from him, just texts.

lunar1 · 03/11/2022 12:52

I would go to the police, blackmail is a crime.

The pictures are embarrassing, but aren't a crime. Lots of people have things they would rather the world didn't know, and I think if he did share the pictures all the repercussions would be on him, not you.

TobyHouseMan · 03/11/2022 12:53

The thing about blackmail is it never ends. If you let this little shit get away with this now you'll be in the same position next year, and the following etc etc.

What he is doing would be a crime - to be specific it's revenge porn as defined in Section 33 of the Criminal Justice and Court Act 2015. The penalty for this is up to 2 years in jail and having to register on the sex offenders register.

But more importantly, what he IS doing now is a crime under section 21 of the 1968 theft act with a maximum prison term of 14 years. He is guilty of this as he's attempting to extort money off you. This is a serious offence.

He is in a whole world of trouble if he were to share these images.

I'd report him to the police. Most likely they'll interview him and at a minimum, he'll be told exactly where he stands. It will scare the be-jesus out of him no doubt.

And just to reassure you, you have every right to take private photographs of yourself doing whatever the hell you like without feeling guilty or embarrassed.

Good luck!

Topee · 03/11/2022 12:54

I agree, Police.

I would also say that if I was sent any images such as these (from
your description of them), my only judgment would be towards the person that sent them. I would also report them for sending them.

Cw112 · 03/11/2022 12:54

I would refuse to deal with him by phone text message or email only because then you have a record of everything said. I would be inclined to contact police and social services if he has contact with your kid because if he's abusing and threatening you like this then there's a huge question mark over how safe he is to be around your kid. Especially since he's trying to use your child as a weapon against you. Document everything. You've done absolutely nothing wrong here, he's absolutely in the wrong. I wouldn't give him any warning that you're going to report him just do it because he's counting on you being intimidated enough not to. If it continues to escalate there are other things you can do, police can red flag your address for rapid response should he turn up being aggressive, they can serve a pin notice on him and your solicitor can arrange for him to be served with a non mol. I'd also include your solicitor in this to see if they can send his solicitor a cease and desist notice or if they think it could be taken further still. Good luck op, he's a horrible person and you don't need to stand for any of this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/11/2022 12:54

Honestly? I'd let him do it - and then report him to the Police.

Why let him escape a criminal conviction by warning him it's against the law first?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/11/2022 12:56

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/11/2022 12:54

Honestly? I'd let him do it - and then report him to the Police.

Why let him escape a criminal conviction by warning him it's against the law first?

Probably because the thought of him actually following through his threat is causing the OP enough distress and embarrassment already.

purplewashbag · 03/11/2022 12:57

Tell the police vs an ex having power over you for life and also the possibility of blackmailing you then publishing the pictures out of spite anyway.

LeMoo · 03/11/2022 12:57

ellie09 · 03/11/2022 12:36

They are incredibly embarrassing, nothing you would want people seeing but there's nothing criminal about it.
The thing is anytime I even say to him about keeping a record, ill be reporting etc it seems to fuel him more and the abuse escalates

He's doubling down to scare you into not reporting him because he knows what he's doing is illegal. When you report him, he won't have a leg to stand on and he knows it.

Don't hesitate any longer, report him to the police love.