Ex trying to blackmail me

[ellie09]

Looking for some advice on what to do

My ex came across some pictures of me after he factory reset my old phone (it was previously locked as LO had it to play with). He then took photos of these pictures and kept them on his phone even after I told him to delete them. Some of these are varying levels of kink (nothing illegal or anything like that)

I contacted CSA about lack of payments from him. They obviously contacted him so he rang me and gave me abuse down the phone. He is also trying to buy a house at the moment so wants a divorce.

Basically after calling me every name under the sun, He's threatened me with showing these pictures to my family, to his solicitor, to the social workers (even though it doesn't involve our son) and ruin my life by "ruining my character" if I don't give him half the money for the divorce and drop the CSA case.

What do I do? I was thinking about calling the police to put a stop to it but I have no idea what they can do?

At the same time I don't want to not do anything as he's incredibly abusive and manipulative so I wouldn't put it past him to actually do something.

Any advice would be appreciated

Only just read this, but well done op, absolutely good for you. It must be such a relief.

Good!
My ex was like this, it was worse after we split, it was like he needed to tell teacher all the time on me. Silly reports to social services, telling the school, my mum I was a bad mum and horrible person etc.

When he was told to stop by police and SS he was like a little boy who had been told off, he needed a "grown up" to tell him it was unacceptable and wrong.

He thought that he should be able to still control me and had the right to trash my name as I ended the relationship until someone in authority (police SS) told him to stop
I wish I'd had evidence he shared pics of me online and to women he has sexting.
The police believed me but without the evidence couldn't do anything.

Did your mum tell you what he said?

Apparently nothing about it all but that he couldn't getaway fast enough and he looked like he was going to cry

Good! I hope its sinking in with him

Well done for standing up to your bully OP.

What strength you have.... never doubt yourself.

Not surprise at all to read this OP.
These bully types feed off the perceived fear of their victims.

They don't expect push back.

Above all they hate the police knowing who and what they are.

They hate the spotlight on them.
They hate knowing that they are now known for who they really are.

It really frightens thems to know that they have been exposed.

He never expected you to report him.

He is likely genuinely frightened because he knows there is every possibility you have told them all that he has done to you and how it all looks to an outsider.

Don't let any of that sway you. If you said you'd like it dropped because you're sure he wouldn't have done it really (and the threat alone, even without intent IS a crime in itself, anyhow), he'll be straight back to abusing you again, only with things like malicious anonymous social services, RSPCA, benefit fraud, false police reports, complaints to employers, etc.

At least now he knows you have no problem getting the law involved when he tries anything like that. Often it's the only way to scare his lot off. They're cowards deep down.

Luckily the guy is very understanding and has ordered me takeaway to my house

He sounds lovely.

With the internet and social media freedom no one bats an eyelash at anything like that as ling as it doesn't involve something illegal. Tell him to go ahead and show to whomever he would like. He won't do it. He knows if he does it will make him look way worse that you will look.

Interesting suggestion @momtoboys

I'd also be interested to know how much of the thread you have read.

Be prepared for it to be 9-12 months before they look at his phone. It's not a quick process

Yep fully aware it's going to take a longgggg time! I was at the therapist today as well which gave me a lot of additional reassurance. It interesting how he's essentially had these photos for years, and has bullied/harassed me for years but 6 weeks into therapy, i finally had the courage to actually do something about it.

I often wonder if therapy works, but clearly it does as I seem to be putting myself first and foremost which I hadn't for so long!

Nobody really wants their ex in prison if they have kids with each other, lets face it. If they are able to locate the photos and delete them, and he gets some form of punishment, I would be happy enough in this case

As LO gets older he may or may not hear about this, so I certainly want to set the example that this behaviour isn't tolerated seeing as his dad can't be a role model

Are you saying he has been threatening you about this for 6 YEARS?

If so, that surely makes it even a more serious crime.

He's had the pictures for around 2 years! Hoping they'll be able to see the messages and screenshots taken with the date etc

He's been threatening and abusive since pregnant with LO so about 6 years in total, just a range of different things

How long has he been making threats about the photos?

Tbh prison would be the best place for him whilst your kid grows up. Best to keep his influence as far away from him as possible.
Be on your guard for similar behaviour from your child (towards you or others) hopefully he won't turn out anything like his dad.

But I'd be reading up on things like the childhood origin of narcissism to do all I could to prevent him taking after his father. That and never be slow to talk with him about his feelings. And how his dads behaviour is not acceptable because it hurts you and in turn, everyone around you. Really focus on encouraging and nurturing empathy. And respect for women.

Tell the police, it's revenge porn and blackmail, what a little tosser he is.

Our child has a real nasty temper that he gets from his dad!

He's been almost backing away from us. He's refused any type of visitation over the next two weeks, which he wouldn't normally and to be honest, I'm not even mad about it

Might be worthwhile getting your kid some therapy if possible. He has probably been witness to lots more than he has let on over the years. Don't just brush bad behaviour or rages under the carpet. If you think he is difficult now he'll be much worse when he is a teen. Then you'll be risking iving in the house with another abusive man. So see about getting him the help he needs now before it's too late.

This is a crime, OP. Go to your local police station and book an appointment for them to take a statement. They’ll talk about what to do from there.

He gets therapy already due to his upcoming autism/ADHD assessments. He has some complex needs but is well socialised etc

That was probably fake and him thinking your mum will tell you how very sad he is and then you'll withdraw your complaint.

I would bet anything it's a different style of manipulation rather that actually being upset.

Any upset is fear for himself.

This will take time to be processed and he is now in the spotlight.

I bet he is going over in his mind just how nasty he has been.

This is clearly not a one off moment of madness, but a sustained campaign of abuse and intimidation for the last 6 years.

OP you need to spell it out to the police the full extent of his abuse.

I hope he's sweating.
He should be.

Well done on getting the courage to call the police and happy that they were responsive and kind. That makes a world of difference.

Regardless of what happens to him through the courts, he won't be bullying and threatening you anymore!

Something about the cops showing up, being handcuffed, and hauled off knocks the arrogance, bully, entitlement right out of many of these 'men'.

Good that your DS is in therapy too. He's likely witnessed and copying the shit behaviour from his father. Therapy really will help.