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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex trying to blackmail me

159 replies

ellie09 · 03/11/2022 12:31

Looking for some advice on what to do

My ex came across some pictures of me after he factory reset my old phone (it was previously locked as LO had it to play with). He then took photos of these pictures and kept them on his phone even after I told him to delete them. Some of these are varying levels of kink (nothing illegal or anything like that)

I contacted CSA about lack of payments from him. They obviously contacted him so he rang me and gave me abuse down the phone. He is also trying to buy a house at the moment so wants a divorce.

Basically after calling me every name under the sun, He's threatened me with showing these pictures to my family, to his solicitor, to the social workers (even though it doesn't involve our son) and ruin my life by "ruining my character" if I don't give him half the money for the divorce and drop the CSA case.

What do I do? I was thinking about calling the police to put a stop to it but I have no idea what they can do?

At the same time I don't want to not do anything as he's incredibly abusive and manipulative so I wouldn't put it past him to actually do something.

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/11/2022 22:41

Absolutely the right thing to do.

You are so brave.

It is being treated very seriously because it is a disgusting crime only committed by the lowest of the low of either sex.

Sandra1984 · 03/11/2022 22:53

Taking sexy pictures is not a crime but revenge porn and blackmail
are two serious crimes so if someone is doomed that is going to be him, not you. Record all his threats and gather evidence of his blackmail. He’s toasted.

Pinkbonbon · 03/11/2022 23:31

That's interesting that it falls under 'sextortion'.

I know of someone who was sent to jail for sextorting several women. He got 9 years. He had actually managed to successfully blackmail them though. Slightly different to your predicament but there's actually very little out there about how long prison sentences are for sextortion so at least that's some idea of punishment for it. I'd imagine the conviction rate isn't very high though. But you never know.

Good on you for reporting. Scum like him should be known to the police.

Penguinsmum · 04/11/2022 03:38

Good for you. You are very brave. I really hope he gets what's coming to him. We are all behind you.

ThreeLocusts · 04/11/2022 06:15

'Sextortion'? I've learned a new word!

OP it's understandable that you dread discussing this with anyone and having social services involved must feel intrusive too. But you did the right thing. Hope the conversations go well.

I'm counting myself lucky that the ex who ended up with explicit photos of me never did anything with them, despite blowing all sorts of fuses when we split. People are unpredictable, sorry you're dealing with this prick.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/11/2022 06:33

You are a warrior OP. So proud of you.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 04/11/2022 06:39

Well done, OP. Very brave.

Name99 · 04/11/2022 10:05

Social services wong be interested about how this affects your parenting which is what your ex wanted you to be worried about, that you will look like a bad mum.
My ex tried the same thing with SS threats
It's backfired on him because it will be on file with them that he is abusive. They will contact you to have a chat to see if you are OK. Please tell them anything else ge has done either in the relationship or after because I bet this isn't the first time he's displayed coercive control towards you.

Wiluli · 04/11/2022 10:18

Try not to worry about SS , their concern will be that he is abusive and that you no longer accept him . They will see you are trying to stay away from him and it will simply backfire on him as he may end up with a criminal record . If he is even slightly inteligente he will delete any images , apologise and pay what he needs to pay . If he doesn’t the police can help you keep him away from you .

LanternGhost · 04/11/2022 12:38

Keep your chin up. You've done everything right, and it's all documented. What he's threatening to do is illegal. You've been very brave in going to the police! Social services are going to be concerned about his behavior, not yours.

Original poster
ellie09 · 04/11/2022 17:15

Just an update

After taking my statement, they had to locate him immediately. He was arrested and taken for interview. No details of what was said but they have seized his phone and bailed him. Bail condition is not to contact me directly or directly

Feeling relieved, but its all so frightening at the same time as his behaviour is unpredictable. I have a family member collecting our LO from his house today as I don't want to be anywhere near it. I have appointed my mum to be the mediator between us to sort out any childcare in the meantime

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 04/11/2022 17:24

Well done op, you have been incredibly brave.

BMW6 · 04/11/2022 17:39

Well done OP Flowers

TheArtfulStodger · 04/11/2022 17:44

Well done. And thank you for doing this. It sends a clear message to all arseholes who try this.

weathervane1 · 04/11/2022 18:35

It would have been very interesting to be a fly on the wall during the chat between him and the police!

Daleksatemyshed · 04/11/2022 18:46

Really well done Op, you have done absolutely the right thing! He thought he could shame you into doing as he wanted but you've shown him how wrong he is. I'd have loved to see his face when the Police turned up.

gingertoast · 04/11/2022 18:48

Oh OP well done. Hopefully the little weasel will get his comeuppance now

Original poster
ellie09 · 04/11/2022 18:56

Is it bad that I am actually worried he will do something stupid? He attempted suicide when I left him so I have a strange feeling it might come up again

Its a very strange feeling you have when you have children together

I have a therapist I have been seeing around 6 weeks now which has majorly helped with confidence levels in actually reporting this. He has had a hold on me for years. Will make for an interesting therapy session on Wednesday, if anything lol

OP posts:
RangerHamzaHasTheRangeDarling · 04/11/2022 18:56

Bloody well done. Am sickened by some of the male toxicity atm and jaded by the Andrew Tate acolytes, so the fact that the police responded so quickly has reaffirmed that we do not need to put up with shit like this. Good on you x

Original poster
ellie09 · 04/11/2022 18:58

RangerHamzaHasTheRangeDarling · 04/11/2022 18:56

Bloody well done. Am sickened by some of the male toxicity atm and jaded by the Andrew Tate acolytes, so the fact that the police responded so quickly has reaffirmed that we do not need to put up with shit like this. Good on you x

The police have been brilliant. I had a bad experience with them and the PPS regarding a previous rape I had reported and paperwork was neglected but they have been so responsive and helpful this time around!

Im in Northern Ireland as well so we have a much smaller police force

They seem to be taking it super serious

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 04/11/2022 19:03

If he does try to take his own life then that is his choice @ellie09 , not your fault, not your responsibility. If he had been made more effort to make your relationship a happy one you would not have felt the need to leave him.
I know it's hard to step away but you can't worry about him anymore, you need to worry about yourself and your DC. If he still cared for you he wouldn't try and blackmail you into leaving your DC without the financial support they deserve

FinallyHere · 04/11/2022 19:16

Bldy well done @ellie09 You are an inspiration to us all.

have a strange feeling it might come up again

It's good to prepare yourself for any stunts that he might pull. The fact that he is still around to unsettle you ...

Might help to remind you that these are just stunts.

billy1966 · 04/11/2022 19:22

Please report immediately any hint from him or anyone belong to him that he will self harm, with an immediate call to the police and a request for a welfare check.

This is ALL on HIM.

Nothing to do with you.

Name99 · 04/11/2022 19:31

Well done OP.
I wish I'd been as brave as you. He has brought this all on himself, you are a strong woman and should be very proud of yourself, don't be worried about SS they see nasty abusers all the time, you have shown that you won't allow anyone to mess you around.

How serious was his suicide attempt? do you only have his word for it, to me it sounds like the classic emotional abuser suicide attempt/ threat

If he does anything silly that is 100% not on you. He broke the law and was called out on it that was all HIS choice
Hes an adult, none of this is your fault

Stay strong x

Byfleet · 04/11/2022 19:35

OP I have been supporting someone at work in a very similar situation to this. She approached me initially because she had become so anxious about the photos and her ex’s blackmail threats (to the point of wanting her life to end) over time that she couldn’t function properly. The sad thing was that she saw it as a situation that she was partly responsible for, having allowed someone to take the photos in the first place.

She was really surprised about my suggestion to contact the police as she didn’t think they would care, and had a lingering feeling it was her fault. We did contact the police, and they were amazing. There was no doubt that her ex was at fault, not her and the support she got was incredible. They were great with her and left the ex in no doubt that he had to stop. He stopped.

The world has changed (thank goodness) if the photos are not of anything illegal then you have no reason to be worried, or even ashamed or embarrassed. The person who should be feeling ashamed, and who has broken the law is your ex. Not you.

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