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Original poster

Would you keep an expensive beautiful necklace from a guy..?

201 replies

Curi · 02/11/2022 11:00

...that a few days later you told you never wanted to see again and not to contact you any more - although he'd never done anything to hurt you and had only been nice and gentle? Clearly it meant a lot to him and he wouldn't have given it to you in the first place if he wasn't crazy about you.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/11/2022 14:44

PollyAmour · 02/11/2022 14:42

Morally and ethically, I couldn't keep a gift like this, and I wouldn't want to wear it either. As for selling it - that's appalling.

Morally and ethically? the bloke's trying to buy his way into a relationship that the woman doesn't want and has told him so.

YouOKHun · 02/11/2022 14:45

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind its acceptance and use

Its very simple @Curi. She doesn’t want any kind of relationship with you and is trying to manage her personal boundary politely. You sound as if you are not listening to her clear message that she does not want any relationship with you on any level.

Unfortunately you appear to have misread her politeness as a green light and you appear to be searching for meaning behind acceptance of the jewellery. She should not have accepted the gift really as it’s clearly confused you.

The only psychology you have a duty to understand is your own. You need to change your behaviour and get some help to do so if you can’t see the problem here (have a look at the BACP website). Attempts to win her over and even further attempts to contact her socially at all when she’s told you “no” are likely to be regarded as harassment by her and others even if you believe your intentions are good.

there is nothing to analyse here beyond why you are not accepting her “no”.

Melonapplepear · 02/11/2022 14:48

Getting really fed up with guys like you tbh. She wants nothing to do with you. Why aren't you embarrassed? Leave her alone.

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 02/11/2022 14:52

Well if he is a creepy, stalking fucker she should absolutely give it back.

SammyScrounge · 02/11/2022 14:52

Return it. You obviously had breakup on your mind when he unexpectedly gave you the necklace. You were too taken aback to break up with him there and then.But you should not keep a valuable gift when you know you were not committed to him.

ReneBumsWombats · 02/11/2022 14:55

Why did she tell you not to contact her again?

Melonapplepear · 02/11/2022 14:58

SammyScrounge · 02/11/2022 14:52

Return it. You obviously had breakup on your mind when he unexpectedly gave you the necklace. You were too taken aback to break up with him there and then.But you should not keep a valuable gift when you know you were not committed to him.

OP is a man. Seems he forced on her even though she wasn't interested.

DecayedStrumpet · 02/11/2022 15:00

FWIW, OP, next time you want to express love with a gift I'd go with something cheap but perfectly chosen to fit their likes and personality.
If you don't know them well enough to do that, then you don't know them well enough to be in love with them.

Throwing money at a sparkly thing is just going to embarrass the recipient and make stuff awkward (esp if there's a big difference in disposable cash between you)

Disclaimer - a minority of women will accept/expect the expensive sparkly things but you'll be forever running to keep up if you end in a relationship.

PollyAmour · 02/11/2022 15:03

I've changed my mind, having read the rest of the posts from the Nice Guy™ - if I was the woman, I would sell the necklace and donate the money to a women's refuge, or simply return it.

OP you sound anything but nice and gentle. You are trying to bribe this woman into being part of your life when she's made it absolutely clear she wants nothing to do with you.

Stalker alert.

TomTraubertsBlues · 02/11/2022 15:16

Nice Guy™

This phrase sums it up tbh.

mam0918 · 02/11/2022 15:23

The only ex before my DH (been together since 18) who ever bought me a gift it was a pretty necklace (£20 from argos) for xmas and we split like a week later (just after new year) because he was a complete alcoholic, we had dated about 2 months and I was tired of being a carer more than a girlfriend and I didnt give it back but never wore it.

To be honestly Im amazed he was ever lucid for a long enough time to have bought the gift (he was fairly sober the day he gave it so I assume he bought it on the way) but it was very rare that he wasnt black out level drunk by that point (I could probably count on 1 hand the amount of day in our relationship that he was sober).

A family member found it when I was moving a few year later and gushed over how beautiful it was, I told her the story and she asked if she could have it since I wasnt using it and I said yes.

In my case though it was a xmas gift from a boyfriend, I also bought him a gift so I didnt really feel like I 'stole' anything. I would feel like a theif if I accepted a gift from a guy who fancied me who I had no intentions of being with though (I have turned down a few gifts like that before).

ReneBumsWombats · 02/11/2022 15:26

I guess we'll never know why she told the nice, gentle guy never to contact her again.

I still have a bracelet that my ex fiance gave me. It's beautiful and doesn't have his face on it or anything so I still wear it.

Zezet · 02/11/2022 15:27

Gift was accepted in bad faith, therefore should be returned.

SicParvisMagna · 02/11/2022 15:34

Women are not vending machines that you put kindness coins in to, until sex falls out.

She's obviously trying to get you to leave her alone, and is probably very uncomfortable with you in her space. She's made her feelings clear. Leave her alone. Any man that has to say he is a "nice man" is not in fact a nice man.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2022 15:47

Curi · 02/11/2022 12:13

the gift represented the way I felt about her - no other context. And when she accepted it she initially told me 'it was too much' but also declared "I will wear it". It was bleeding obvious how I must have felt. I have no hard feelings about it and I want her to keep it but I'm trying to understand the psychology behind its acceptance and use.

Show quote history

My sister was in this position. The man in question told her the gift, worth 4 figures, was just because he 'wanted to make her happy' so she accepted it. She didn't end the relationship until about 8 months later when she realized he wasn't right for her. She kept the gift based on what she was told at the time he gave it her, that it was a gift 'free and clear'. But I think no matter what the reason for the gift, if she had felt at the time that she was close to ending the relationship she wouldn't have accepted it in the first place.

If you were HONEST with her, that the gift represented your feelings, then you need to accept it back if she wants to return it. If she accepted it, knowing that she was seriously thinking about ending the relationship, then she should return it. In either situation the gift was either offered, or accepted, under false pretenses.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 02/11/2022 15:51

Nope I'd return it. If it meant so much to the giver I would be uncomfortable keeping it and if I'd ended the relationship I would expect to return a very expensive gift.

Comedycook · 02/11/2022 15:52

I'd keep it I'd months had passed between him giving it and the break up. A couple of days? I'd offer it back to him.

knittingaddict · 02/11/2022 15:54

I would return it, not just offer it. I know I couldn't force him to accept, but I would post it or put it trhrough the letter box and not give an option. It would be pointless to keep it because I could never wear it without a stab of guilt. That's just me though.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/11/2022 15:56

This thread is giving me the heebie jeebies

Tillow4ever · 02/11/2022 15:57

Amazing how many posters haven't read the full thread to realise that this woman wasn't even in a relationship with him, that she has tried to discourage him but he seems infatuated with her to the point of stalker-ish behaviour, she didn't want to accept the jewellery but he insisted, and it has gotten to the point where she has had to explicitly tell him to stay away from her.

knittingaddict · 02/11/2022 15:57

Hang on a minute. Having read your posts op, I'm not clear if you were actually in a relationship with this this person. Were you?

If you weren't then I think you completely failed to read the room as it's a very romantic gift.

This scenario lacks a lot of context.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/11/2022 15:58

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/11/2022 15:56

This thread is giving me the heebie jeebies

It's giving me 'but I'm so NICE and GENTLE. I'd never hurt you and I'm kind and I've given you an expensive present, why won't you go out with me?' vibes.

LyndaLovelace · 02/11/2022 15:58

I think the psychology behind it is simple.

She thought it was excessive , considering her feelings for you.
Maybe she had already decided to end it- who knows?

But to spare your feelings, she said she'd wear it.

I'd say more context is needed.

You say 'expensive' - that for some men could be £50 or £100 if they are skint, or it could be £5K or even £50K.

If you spent more than you could afford, and it was a really big deal, then she would know that and should have returned it to you.

If it was a token gesture, then she's just about ok keeping it.

But I can't think of many women who would keep it as a reminder of a relationship they ended, unless the planned to sell it and keep the cash. Or they had no moral scruples.

knittingaddict · 02/11/2022 15:59

Tillow4ever · 02/11/2022 15:57

Amazing how many posters haven't read the full thread to realise that this woman wasn't even in a relationship with him, that she has tried to discourage him but he seems infatuated with her to the point of stalker-ish behaviour, she didn't want to accept the jewellery but he insisted, and it has gotten to the point where she has had to explicitly tell him to stay away from her.

Yes, I'm picking that up now. Terrible behaviour op. (If it's all true.)

I still think she should return it, but avoid any contact with you at all costs. Poor woman.

LyndaLovelace · 02/11/2022 16:00

The problem with this thread is that some posters have read the OP's other post (somewhere on the site) which tells them a lot more than this thread.

Which is a bit unfair really.