Fiance feels it's best for me to abort

LunaMoonKitty · 2022-11-02T08:09:47+00:00

So i've just found out I'm pregnant and my husband feels it's best for me to abort. I'm 33(34 next month) DF is 32. I already have 1 beautiful DD

Original poster

LunaMoonKitty · 02/11/2022 08:10

Oops that posted too soon. Lemme finish

OP posts:

fallfallfall · 02/11/2022 08:25

Personally it’s your body and your choice. Consider all options. WHY does he think you should not continue the pregnancy? Is there a significant risk to your physical or mental health? Or the health of the baby?

Original poster

LunaMoonKitty · 02/11/2022 08:29

I already have 1 DD (4) who is the light of our lives and we love to bits.

I've always kinda wanted a second child because I remember growing up an only child was kinda miserable for me, but fiance says that growing up with siblings is no better.

Now he wants me to abort for a multitude of reasons and tbf he has very good points with them all.

First is finances, we are STRUGGLING with a capital S, the cost of living crisis rising bills and stuff has been putting a lot of strain on my DF as he is the only one of us who works because of my mental health.

Which brings onto the second point, my mental health. I have severe anxiety and depression, and when I was last pregnant with my DD I suffered even worse with really bad depression and bad post natal depression. As much as I want to believe i'll handle it better this time around the reality is I probably won't.

And last is our DD we don't know how she'll react to a second child. She has really bad sensory issues with sound(crying babies really upset her), and some autistic traits that make interacting with other children difficult for her.

I understand where he's coming from they are true points, but my mummy broody feelings have already kicked in and I really don't want to abort. He's taken a very methodical pro and con stance to it (that's just want kinda person he is ^^;) and there are certainly more cons to pros. He's even said that we can try again for another baby in a few more years once the financial situation in the UK has settled. I just... Don't know what to say to him anymore in regards to still wanting to keep it.

OP posts:

Original poster

LunaMoonKitty · 02/11/2022 08:32

Yeah sorry i somehow accidentally hit the 'post' button too soon my above comment has all the things he's addressed

OP posts:

fallfallfall · 02/11/2022 08:33

His points are valid, as is his approach.it doesn’t sound like he’s pressuring you.

Mardyface · 02/11/2022 08:35

The one that matters is your mental health. Everything else can be worked out. I am sympathetic to him for feeling scared about your mental health - it is really tricky when someone you love is struggling - but maybe you can start investigating support now to reassure him? The second time around you know to expect from a baby but also from yourself so it should be easier to put things in place.

You can't abort a baby you want but if you are serious about having it showing your fiance that you are serious about being properly supported this time will really help.

As an aside if you are not working you really should get married before the baby is born.

Pashazade · 02/11/2022 08:35

I think you need to have a very hard think about how being severely depressed would work with having to take care of a four year old and then a distressed four year old plus a new born. The strain this would put on your relationship even without financial difficulties would be considerable. There is a very real chance it wouldn't all just work out and whilst I utterly support your body your decision this sounds like you need to be brutally honest with yourself.

A580Hojas · 02/11/2022 08:36

That's very sad for you and of course you feel an attachment to this potential baby - but I think he has very good points and I really do urge you to listen to him. He knows you better than any of us.

pumpkinscoop · 02/11/2022 08:37

His reasons sound valid but ultimately only you can make the decision. I think I'd be concerned about the impact on your DD and on your mental health. If you do have bad PND again, it's going to put a lot of pressure on your DF, working and conceivably having to care for you, a small child and a baby.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 02/11/2022 08:39

I agree with your OH. You not working im means he's already under pressure to pay for everything, you're struggling, you cant afford another child.

Mmmmdanone · 02/11/2022 08:39

How do you think you'll feel if you abort?

Suprima · 02/11/2022 08:39

You are saying he’s a very logical ‘pros and cons person’- but despite the pretty exhaustive list of cons in his eyes…your mental health, your autistic DD, his belief that being an only is best….you are apparently ok to try in a few years when the financial situation in the UK is better?

this makes no sense

It sounds like he doesn’t want a second child at all and just wants to bait you into an abortion with the promise of ‘trying again in a few years’ when timing is apparently better.

if you have an abortion you don’t want, your relationship is dead anyway.

Whataretheodds · 02/11/2022 08:39

OP what treatment are you having for your depression?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/11/2022 08:40

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 02/11/2022 08:39

I agree with your OH. You not working im means he's already under pressure to pay for everything, you're struggling, you cant afford another child.

Agree. He's already supporting two people.

Chomolungma · 02/11/2022 08:40

He's made some very good points and I think you need to think very carefully about this. At the end of the day you should not abort if you really don't want to, but I think you owe it to your partner to listen to his perspective too.

SlagathaChristie · 02/11/2022 08:41

Pros and cons are all well and good, but how you really feel about it, and how you will feel afterwards matter more. If you want to keep your baby, you should. Best of luck to you, whatever you do.

Ekateri · 02/11/2022 08:45

It is and can only be your choice. That said, from what you have listed it sounds like it will be very tough.
Is this the life you want for the potentially 4 of you? What would be your plans if he left because he couldn't cope. Could you cope as a single parent with one dc possibly on the austism spectrum, a newborn/ toddler ?

These are all things you need to consider when you make your decision

Sarrah1 · 02/11/2022 08:46

Only you can decide, and it’s such a tough decision 🌸 Trying again a few years later does make sense imo, by then your first DD will be in school and you could take some time to prepare yourself…working on your mental health if possible, and maybe even put some savings aside (easier said than done currently but here’s hope that the financial situation will improve again).

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2022 08:48

Suprima · 02/11/2022 08:39

You are saying he’s a very logical ‘pros and cons person’- but despite the pretty exhaustive list of cons in his eyes…your mental health, your autistic DD, his belief that being an only is best….you are apparently ok to try in a few years when the financial situation in the UK is better?

this makes no sense

It sounds like he doesn’t want a second child at all and just wants to bait you into an abortion with the promise of ‘trying again in a few years’ when timing is apparently better.

if you have an abortion you don’t want, your relationship is dead anyway.

I don’t think that’s fair at all. In a few years loads can change. If she’s seeking proper support with her MH she could be in a much better place, she might be well enough to work and he won’t be carrying the full financial burden. DD will be older and they’ll be more aware of any additional needs. If they plan a pregnancy they can be proactive about managing her depression and get advice on mitigating PND.

He’s not trying to bait her into anything. He’s probably terrified of torpedoing their finances which are already under major stress, OP being incapacitated by depression, DD struggling with huge upheaval and a potentially very poorly mum and him having to try and keep it all together plus keeping them securely housed and fed.

MyOnlyDays · 02/11/2022 08:49

I'd abort. I think the cons are too powerful and too big to overcome. I don't like it when posters say that there is always a way around some problems when it's not true. It sounds like the best thing to do for all of you is to have an abortion. It's sad but this way you can concentrate on your 4 year old and you mental health.
It's not possible to know your husbands motivation but he sounds like he is approaching this as well as possible.

Nisha93 · 02/11/2022 08:51

If you’re in such a bad place with your mental health that you can’t work at all then you are at very high risk of these worsening during and post pregnancy.

MintyFreshOne · 02/11/2022 08:51

Suprima · 02/11/2022 08:39

You are saying he’s a very logical ‘pros and cons person’- but despite the pretty exhaustive list of cons in his eyes…your mental health, your autistic DD, his belief that being an only is best….you are apparently ok to try in a few years when the financial situation in the UK is better?

this makes no sense

It sounds like he doesn’t want a second child at all and just wants to bait you into an abortion with the promise of ‘trying again in a few years’ when timing is apparently better.

if you have an abortion you don’t want, your relationship is dead anyway.

I thought this too …

Violettaa · 02/11/2022 08:52

Having a baby you can’t afford is immensely selfish, never mind all the other reasons he cites.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 02/11/2022 08:52

Please do not have a baby you cannot afford to support, both financially and emotionally.

elephantseal · 02/11/2022 08:53

It doesn't sound like your h is being at all unreasonable. How will you cope with another baby? If your MH is so bad that you can't work, and it was affected by being pg and then PND, that will put a massive strain on your h.

You're going to have to be brutally honest with yourself here, I'm afraid. It's a difficult situation. 💐