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Original poster

Fiance feels it's best for me to abort

163 replies

LunaMoonKitty · 02/11/2022 08:09

So i've just found out I'm pregnant and my husband feels it's best for me to abort. I'm 33(34 next month) DF is 32. I already have 1 beautiful DD

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 04/11/2022 13:48

Are you seeking treatment for your mental health? You don't have to live your life absolutely dominated by it. Work often actually helps people alleviate their feelings of depression.

I don't know you and your situation well obviously, but from what you've said, no, you probably shouldn't have another child until you're in a better place, health-wise and financially.

Have you thought about getting a part time job?

OldFan · 04/11/2022 22:26

Lots of people don't.

Some people don't, but if someone already has a relationship with services then that can be a great powerhouse to draw on (if they follow their advice.)

Don't get me wrong, I've had good and bad mental health practitioners etc. I had to switch around.

But I've come back from some grim places in life, so I know I can do it again.

I have confidence in you @LunaMoonKitty x

Bunnyfuller · 04/11/2022 22:28

Fiancé or husband? You switch between them? @MNHQ have a look please!

OldFan · 04/11/2022 22:31

^You don't have to live your life absolutely dominated by it. Work often actually helps people alleviate their feelings of depression. I don't know you and your situation well obviously, but from what you've said, no, you probably shouldn't have another child until you're in a better place, health-wise and financially.
Have you thought about getting a part time job?^

This wouldn'tve worked for me BTW.😂 My life isn't dominated by my mental health but work is something that didn't really suit me. But that doesn't mean that there isn't a lot of things I can do, helping people etc, being a good family member and friend. Just because OP maybe doesn't get on with the world of work doesn't mean she's incapable as a person.

Spookypig · 05/11/2022 03:53

Ekátn · 04/11/2022 06:08

So your mental health was that bad you can’t work. Your first child had a high possibility of some sort of ND, that somehow seemed to get better with having a sibling? You were already on the breadline at a time when costs will only get higher and higher? Op also believe her husband is almost certainly ASD ans struggles with sensory overload.

and the 2nd child magically fixed it all. Apart from the money situation?

I might believe it if you hadn’t have started a thread that showed your thoughts on abortion already.

No one pushes abortion. But many posters are pro choice. Pro choice means just that. That you have the choice I. Any circumstances. They were asked for their opinion and gave it.

Show quote history

As you can see if you really did read my other threads, I mention several times in various places that I suffer with an anxiety disorder, depression and ADHD. My first child DOES have very similar issues to what OP described her daughter to have (not going to be too outing and specify but no, the issues haven’t magically vanished but having his sibling has changed his life. He couldn’t engage with other children before to the point where i was crying worrying about him on a regular basis, worrying about how lonely he would he and how difficult life would be for him. Now he has his sibling … he has his sibling. It’s as simple as that. He adores his sibling. His sibling is his best friend when I worried he’d never have any friends. His sibling has taught him how to engage with other children and now he’s much, much better around other children. His sibling has quite literally improved all of our lives. My greatest joy in life is to see them together.

And I still suffer with the same issues that I did but it’s not at all linked to my child’s birth (my first son triggered massive anxiety and PND but my second child seemed a breeze as I’d done it all before. For some reason it didn’t trigger anything. If anything it helped because I felt weirdly confident and competent and content in a way I hadn’t before - I felt like I was actually doing a great job which actually helped my mental health a lot.) I’m not saying this will definitely happen to OP. But I AM saying that it’s not fair for people to insist that having mental health issues means you won’t cope with any pregnancy and baby. You can have mental health issues and be a bloody good mum.

And yes, as you can see from my other thread, I am very, very cautious about abortion and feel very negatively about unnecessary and unwanted abortions because I nearly had one. If I had, it would have ruined my life and my child’s life would have been less than it now is. It would have shattered my already poor mental health. This experience has totally and forever changed my opinion on abortion and I will ALWAYS support and encourage women to not be pressured into abortion just because they feel everything needs to be perfect before they can have their baby. It doesn’t. Sorry you disagree but I will never tell a woman she needs to abort if she doesn’t want to. To me, that’s supporting women - not bullying them and pressuring them into something they don’t want.

Mumsnet is almost aggressively pro abortion to the point where they’re telling OP that she’s basically out of order in this situation if she DOESNT get one. That’s disgusting and totally immoral.

QueenCamilla · 05/11/2022 04:11

I'm glad I'm a woman. I have one child. I most definitely do not want another one. It's comforting to know I can't be forced into becoming a parent to a child I don't want.

CharliesFallenAngel · 05/11/2022 04:32

@Spookypig Mumsnet is almost aggressively pro abortion to the point where they’re telling OP that she’s basically out of order in this situation if she DOESNT get one. That’s disgusting and totally immoral.

I agree.

However, I am amazed at the number of parents that don't discuss issues like this before they choose to have kids.

Some airheaded women seem to think that babies are little darlings who are going to coo, gurgle, sleep and the father is going to fund their existence without question.

They need a reality check.

Ekátn · 05/11/2022 04:50

Spookypig · 05/11/2022 03:53

As you can see if you really did read my other threads, I mention several times in various places that I suffer with an anxiety disorder, depression and ADHD. My first child DOES have very similar issues to what OP described her daughter to have (not going to be too outing and specify but no, the issues haven’t magically vanished but having his sibling has changed his life. He couldn’t engage with other children before to the point where i was crying worrying about him on a regular basis, worrying about how lonely he would he and how difficult life would be for him. Now he has his sibling … he has his sibling. It’s as simple as that. He adores his sibling. His sibling is his best friend when I worried he’d never have any friends. His sibling has taught him how to engage with other children and now he’s much, much better around other children. His sibling has quite literally improved all of our lives. My greatest joy in life is to see them together.

And I still suffer with the same issues that I did but it’s not at all linked to my child’s birth (my first son triggered massive anxiety and PND but my second child seemed a breeze as I’d done it all before. For some reason it didn’t trigger anything. If anything it helped because I felt weirdly confident and competent and content in a way I hadn’t before - I felt like I was actually doing a great job which actually helped my mental health a lot.) I’m not saying this will definitely happen to OP. But I AM saying that it’s not fair for people to insist that having mental health issues means you won’t cope with any pregnancy and baby. You can have mental health issues and be a bloody good mum.

And yes, as you can see from my other thread, I am very, very cautious about abortion and feel very negatively about unnecessary and unwanted abortions because I nearly had one. If I had, it would have ruined my life and my child’s life would have been less than it now is. It would have shattered my already poor mental health. This experience has totally and forever changed my opinion on abortion and I will ALWAYS support and encourage women to not be pressured into abortion just because they feel everything needs to be perfect before they can have their baby. It doesn’t. Sorry you disagree but I will never tell a woman she needs to abort if she doesn’t want to. To me, that’s supporting women - not bullying them and pressuring them into something they don’t want.

Mumsnet is almost aggressively pro abortion to the point where they’re telling OP that she’s basically out of order in this situation if she DOESNT get one. That’s disgusting and totally immoral.

Show quote history

I did read all your other threads. I remember you from that one. The one you started about abortion. Where you wanted to discuss why you weren’t pro choice and the restrictions you believe there should be. Oddly, you didn’t mention contemplating abortion on that thread at all.

It was clear on there you believe women use it as contraception and don’t think women should be allowed them, except in circumstances you deem acceptable.

Since you mentioned your other threads, I have had a look and (according to AS) you have mentioned adhd and anxiety as a child once. Not sure it’s relevant really.

and no, I don’t believe your second child has all of sudden was the resolved lots of issues. If it did, great for you. Not sure I agree it’s a moral choice to bring a 2nd child into the world in dire circumstance in the hope they solve the problems tbh.

But that’s not really the point. The point is that it’s entirely immoral, to try and pretend that because it worked out for you it will work out for everyone else. It’s ridiculous to pretend 2nd children, magically resolve lots of problems that their older siblings have.

You won’t be there to help Op if her and husband can not cope. You won’t be there if Ops mental health takes a huge dive. You won’t be there to support the kids and the Op. You won’t be there if her ND husband, doesn’t cope and can’t work himself.

The choice is entirely the Ops, however, the probability of a 2nd child fixing a lot of problems is tiny. Pretending it’s high is ridiculous. Babies are born into families that can not cope all the time. What do you think becomes of them?

You can simultaneously want something but also know overall it’s not right thing at that time. I would like to move house. Living here does impact my MH. But in the current climate, it’s likely to bring financial ruin on me and my kids. It would also make my kids lives harder and have a negative impact on them. As an example.

Having a child can not only be an emotional decision. Disregarding the practicalities is a recipe for disaster. Pretending it’s not is entirely (imo) is immoral and disgusting.

Suzi888 · 05/11/2022 04:50

If you haven’t already I would see a G.P and talk things through with them- no one here can assist you💐good luck with whatever you decide. I wouldn’t take any notice of the replies you get on here from random strangers on the net!

Spookypig · 05/11/2022 12:17

Ekátn · 05/11/2022 04:50

I did read all your other threads. I remember you from that one. The one you started about abortion. Where you wanted to discuss why you weren’t pro choice and the restrictions you believe there should be. Oddly, you didn’t mention contemplating abortion on that thread at all.

It was clear on there you believe women use it as contraception and don’t think women should be allowed them, except in circumstances you deem acceptable.

Since you mentioned your other threads, I have had a look and (according to AS) you have mentioned adhd and anxiety as a child once. Not sure it’s relevant really.

and no, I don’t believe your second child has all of sudden was the resolved lots of issues. If it did, great for you. Not sure I agree it’s a moral choice to bring a 2nd child into the world in dire circumstance in the hope they solve the problems tbh.

But that’s not really the point. The point is that it’s entirely immoral, to try and pretend that because it worked out for you it will work out for everyone else. It’s ridiculous to pretend 2nd children, magically resolve lots of problems that their older siblings have.

You won’t be there to help Op if her and husband can not cope. You won’t be there if Ops mental health takes a huge dive. You won’t be there to support the kids and the Op. You won’t be there if her ND husband, doesn’t cope and can’t work himself.

The choice is entirely the Ops, however, the probability of a 2nd child fixing a lot of problems is tiny. Pretending it’s high is ridiculous. Babies are born into families that can not cope all the time. What do you think becomes of them?

You can simultaneously want something but also know overall it’s not right thing at that time. I would like to move house. Living here does impact my MH. But in the current climate, it’s likely to bring financial ruin on me and my kids. It would also make my kids lives harder and have a negative impact on them. As an example.

Having a child can not only be an emotional decision. Disregarding the practicalities is a recipe for disaster. Pretending it’s not is entirely (imo) is immoral and disgusting.

Show quote history

You are just proving my point about how rabidly pro abortion Mumsnet is. Let’s turn the tables. If another poster was saying ‘Get an abortion! I considered one once but didn’t do it - I wish I had !’ and had been very pro abortion on another thread, you wouldn’t accuse them of being a liar. You’d never have said ‘I bet you never considered an abortion. You’re just making that up because you’re so pro abortion.’ You’d never have questioned it!

I started a thread asking, out of interest, whether it was common in the UK for people to be anti abortion FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS. This was a discussion about how in other countries, including the one in which I currently reside, religious people are very vocally anti abortion for religious reasons, and it’s assumed that all religious people are anti abortion. I was interested about how this doesn’t seem to be the case with people of the same religion in the UK and wondered why. It was in no way relevant to the discussion that I personally had once considered abortion? I didn’t get one and this is in no way linked to the religious discussion? Haven’t most women, at some point, considered abortion?

I very regularly mention my struggles with ADHD and anxiety and depression on my posts and threads. I do name change often because this is obviously very personal so perhaps I haven’t discussed it regularly enough on this, my newest username, for your liking but it is clear that I have mentioned it before coming on this thread and before this thread was ever posted that I’ve not just made it up for the sake of the thread. And yes, this is very relevant because mental health is one of the main reasons people are trying to pressure OP into aborting.

As for your not believing that my child’s life improved because of having his new sibling - well, I can’t prove that, and I really don’t care whether you believe me as you are a stranger on the internet. It is the truth, and I have no reason to lie. My first child, because of his issues, found socialising and interacting with others extremely difficult prior to having his sibling. As I have said multiple times, his daily interaction with his sibling has massively improved his ability and willingness to interact with others. Without his sibling I have no doubt that he would not be thriving like he currently is, despite his difficulties.

As for me not being there for OP personally - well, no. I won’t. Will you be there if she aborts her wanted baby and suffers crippling MH repercussions as a result? Will you be there personally for her if the resentment towards her partner for pressuring her into this destroys her relationship? None of us will be there for her personally as this is an anonymous forum. So I think this is a very weak argument of yours.

I know about the practicalities of having a child as I too am a mother and I am not saying that anything needs to be disregarded. But when you are already pregnant, it’s okay to say ‘Okay, this isn’t my dream scenario, but I can make this work.’ Because a lot of the time we can make things work and we do and we are so, so grateful that we didn’t give up because things weren’t quite perfect. And quite often things turn out better than we ever could have imagined.

There are enough people on this thread telling OP she HAS to abort and pressuring her into this decision. She deserves to hear some balanced viewpoints. Not everyone agrees - not everyone agrees with you. I hope you can learn to be okay with that.

glassfully · 05/11/2022 12:51

@spookypig that's a lot of words to say "I'd rather OP keeps the baby and attempts to raise it in poverty because I don't like abortions".

Ekátn · 05/11/2022 13:08

Spookypig · 05/11/2022 12:17

You are just proving my point about how rabidly pro abortion Mumsnet is. Let’s turn the tables. If another poster was saying ‘Get an abortion! I considered one once but didn’t do it - I wish I had !’ and had been very pro abortion on another thread, you wouldn’t accuse them of being a liar. You’d never have said ‘I bet you never considered an abortion. You’re just making that up because you’re so pro abortion.’ You’d never have questioned it!

I started a thread asking, out of interest, whether it was common in the UK for people to be anti abortion FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS. This was a discussion about how in other countries, including the one in which I currently reside, religious people are very vocally anti abortion for religious reasons, and it’s assumed that all religious people are anti abortion. I was interested about how this doesn’t seem to be the case with people of the same religion in the UK and wondered why. It was in no way relevant to the discussion that I personally had once considered abortion? I didn’t get one and this is in no way linked to the religious discussion? Haven’t most women, at some point, considered abortion?

I very regularly mention my struggles with ADHD and anxiety and depression on my posts and threads. I do name change often because this is obviously very personal so perhaps I haven’t discussed it regularly enough on this, my newest username, for your liking but it is clear that I have mentioned it before coming on this thread and before this thread was ever posted that I’ve not just made it up for the sake of the thread. And yes, this is very relevant because mental health is one of the main reasons people are trying to pressure OP into aborting.

As for your not believing that my child’s life improved because of having his new sibling - well, I can’t prove that, and I really don’t care whether you believe me as you are a stranger on the internet. It is the truth, and I have no reason to lie. My first child, because of his issues, found socialising and interacting with others extremely difficult prior to having his sibling. As I have said multiple times, his daily interaction with his sibling has massively improved his ability and willingness to interact with others. Without his sibling I have no doubt that he would not be thriving like he currently is, despite his difficulties.

As for me not being there for OP personally - well, no. I won’t. Will you be there if she aborts her wanted baby and suffers crippling MH repercussions as a result? Will you be there personally for her if the resentment towards her partner for pressuring her into this destroys her relationship? None of us will be there for her personally as this is an anonymous forum. So I think this is a very weak argument of yours.

I know about the practicalities of having a child as I too am a mother and I am not saying that anything needs to be disregarded. But when you are already pregnant, it’s okay to say ‘Okay, this isn’t my dream scenario, but I can make this work.’ Because a lot of the time we can make things work and we do and we are so, so grateful that we didn’t give up because things weren’t quite perfect. And quite often things turn out better than we ever could have imagined.

There are enough people on this thread telling OP she HAS to abort and pressuring her into this decision. She deserves to hear some balanced viewpoints. Not everyone agrees - not everyone agrees with you. I hope you can learn to be okay with that.

Show quote history

Actually I would telling a poster that their experience may not be the ops. That anyone talking in absolutes is wrong. In this situation we can only talk about probably outcomes.

I haven’t told the Op she must get an abortion. So I have no idea where you got it from.

I didn’t say I don’t believe your 2nd improved your life at all. I said I don’t believe they made everything ok and they clearly didn’t. And that’s not the most likely outcome.

You started a thread on abortion but didn’t mention you had seriously considered one? Really?

I won’t be there for Op if she has an abortion. But I am not the one telling her that my experience will be hers and how my life and mental health was made better by an abortion. You are telling and trying to reassure her a 2nd child will solve the problems. By presenting yourself as exactly the same as her, you are trying to sell her a story and an outcome that is very unlikely. That’s why I asked if you were going to be there to pick up pieces. I am not telling her how I had an abortion and life was great and it solved all as of issues for me.

Ops situation is far from the dream situation.

Where did I say I am not ok with people have a different opinion. Where have I said anyone can’t think she shouldn’t have an abortion? I haven’t.

My problem is the level of manipulation and lies you are peddling to convince Op it’s all fine, when you are simply anti abortion and don’t really give shit about the fall out after op makes her decision. It’s immoral.

Mardyface · 05/11/2022 13:46

Some airheaded women seem to think that babies are little darlings who are going to coo, gurgle, sleep and the father is going to fund their existence without question

It's a crying shame that men receive no education about what their sperm potentially does when shot into a woman's vagina isn't it? 🤔

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