Page 2 | Fiance feels it's best for me to abort

LunaMoonKitty · 2022-11-02T08:09:47+00:00

So i've just found out I'm pregnant and my husband feels it's best for me to abort. I'm 33(34 next month) DF is 32. I already have 1 beautiful DD

RudsyFarmer · 02/11/2022 08:53

My question would be how will your mental health be if you do abort?

Hoppinggreen · 02/11/2022 08:54

He makes some valid points, especially the ones around your MH.
Also, he is the only one earning any money so he may well feel the financial pressure more than you.
There is a possibility you could become very unwell and he is faced with looking after 3 of you while trying to support the family financially as well.

However, it’s your body so ultimately it has to be your choice

Rinatinabina · 02/11/2022 08:55

In this situation I personally think he’s right. But ultimately it is your choice whether to keep the baby or not. Also think about whether you could do it by yourself, kids are an immense strain on relationships in the first year.

SkylightSkylight · 02/11/2022 08:56

It's all very well listing pros & cons but it's not him having an abortion. What was he doing to prevent a pregnancy?

it's all very well saying 'we'll try again later, but how will you feel if you don't get pregnant? It's also harder on your body in your 40's.

Your DD will adjust to having a baby in the home.

as for DD not being an only. She'll be 5 (or near enough) by the time this baby arrives. Any bigger a gap & it'll be like having 2 singles.

your MH - that's just am
excuse. Why does he think it'll be better 'in a few years'? You're going to need MH support whether it's now or in the future.

Financially, I suppose it depends. If you're on the cusp of returning to work, working for a bit might give you some maternity pay depending on your contract, but that's a few 'ifs'.

CraftyCats · 02/11/2022 08:56

Not an easy one OP. Ultimately the decision is yours. But your DP has valid points and he’s already trying to support 2 people on his own and the financial pressure falls to him. Your mental health above all is the biggie here. How could you cope with a new baby, your DD, a seriously stressed unhappy partner on top of it all? He will need to work to support you all so the majority of the child rearing will fall to you.

astronewt · 02/11/2022 08:56

If what you've said is true then I think he's right. A theoretical "nice to have" sibling isn't a real advantage to a child with autism whose life will be both financially and in other ways impoverished by the strain another child will put on all of you.

It's your body and it's your life. But in your shoes, I'd put my head above my heart.

MamaToOscar · 02/11/2022 09:01

Suprima · 02/11/2022 08:39

You are saying he’s a very logical ‘pros and cons person’- but despite the pretty exhaustive list of cons in his eyes…your mental health, your autistic DD, his belief that being an only is best….you are apparently ok to try in a few years when the financial situation in the UK is better?

this makes no sense

It sounds like he doesn’t want a second child at all and just wants to bait you into an abortion with the promise of ‘trying again in a few years’ when timing is apparently better.

if you have an abortion you don’t want, your relationship is dead anyway.

Oh come on, he’s just trying to soften the blow. He’s trying to make the OP feel better about a horrible situation. I can’t blame him for trying to sweeten the pill 🤷🏻‍♀️

Rainbowpurple · 02/11/2022 09:01

I wouldn't bring another child yet. Focus on what you have, and revisit the idea in a couple of years when you three are more ready. 1 to 2 kids is a really different game, and with a huge support system, I have struggled in the first year. Good luck!

Ludwig1 · 02/11/2022 09:05

I had severe pnd to the point I was put in a mother and baby hospital and then sectioned. A few years later I got pregnant again and we decided to abort because we were so scared of it happening again. However 10 months later I fell pregnant again (contraceelption failures both times) and we decided to keep as I couldn't face another abortion. Because of previous experience I went straight under the perinatal team. I was also now on medication and had therapy and worked on myself in the few years since my dc who I suffered the pnd with. I had help every step of the way. My birth was fantastic and aftercare for the first year I had regular meetings/catchups as often as I needed, which really wasn't very much at all! It's worked out great and lo has completed our family. My dh has a great relationship with lo despite wanting us to abort again. He supported my decision and we're even stronger. I was very focused. Took my meds on time and engaged with services every step of the way. It can be done x

JanglyBeads · 02/11/2022 09:07

Are you on antidepressants? Did you take them during pregnancy (and breastfeeding, if you did that), with your DD?

CredibilityProblem · 02/11/2022 09:13

Do you have any other family support? In his position, based on my memory of that period, I'd be worried about losing my job due to constantly needing to dash home to cope with crises. If you have supportive parents and siblings nearby that might mitigate things a bit.

Flowersonthewall6 · 02/11/2022 09:18

Message the local termiation team at your hospital and ask for counselling / to speak to the perimental midwives. They will be able to tell
you what services and support they can provide.

If they said you could have sessions weekly while pregnant and post partum would this support make any difference to how you feel about continuing?

Its a big decision and support you either way, I would just make sure you have all the facts and what could be available to you support wise before deciding.

Ellie1015 · 02/11/2022 09:18

Do you think you will manage with a baby and dd? Think of the school run with baby /toddler? The food shop, housework everything you do day to day. Can you manage this with baby/toddler too?

I only ask because mental health is so important, and you don't want to take on more than you can manage. It must be difficult as you can't work, be careful not to take on too much.

RandomMusings7 · 02/11/2022 09:19

I don't know how to phrase it as kindly as possible, but objectively it would be very unkind to bring an innocent baby into a situation where

One of the parents has very poor mental health. Parenting is a huuuge commitment and you can't be fully present and attuned to a baby's needs where you are severely anxious and depressed. It's unfair, but it's true

The other parent doesn't want the baby

Financial circumstances are dire and the kids will have to go without and forgo many opportunities

I'm on your husband's team.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/11/2022 09:21

Rinatinabina · 02/11/2022 08:55

In this situation I personally think he’s right. But ultimately it is your choice whether to keep the baby or not. Also think about whether you could do it by yourself, kids are an immense strain on relationships in the first year.

Agree. If he decides to throw in the towel, how would OP support herself. That is concerning.

Notsandwiches · 02/11/2022 09:24

How do you think having an abortion will impact your MH? Not judging btw but you need to consider it.

2022again · 02/11/2022 09:25

OP ,as @Flowersonthewall6 has expressed really well, please go and ask for some counselling ,you could also try your GP to refer you or there are likely to be some local charities. I understand why people come on mumsnet for opinions but this is a huge decision for you and we can't truly know what it's like for you and whichever way it goes, it sounds like some professional support would help you.

Goldbar · 02/11/2022 09:27

It's ultimately your choice whether to abort or not, but how would you cope if the pressure got too much for your fiance and he left? Your decision has consequences for him as well as for you, and if you're relying on him to step up financially (perhaps working extra hours), practically (doing more childcare at home) and emotionally, then I think you need to listen to him carefully if actually he's saying 'Look, I'm not sure I can do this'.

RandomMusings7 · 02/11/2022 09:29

Notsandwiches · 02/11/2022 09:24

How do you think having an abortion will impact your MH? Not judging btw but you need to consider it.

Having an abortion will most likely negatively impact her MH. Having another baby is equally likely to do the same. Except having the baby means additional stress and pressure on the husband who supports them all and who will have to pick up the work when OP is too unwell with postnatal depression to care for her kids. It also means disrupting DD's routine and taking away time and money from her.

While it's ultimately her decision, her life is not the only one who will be impacted. Her husband and daughter also need to have their interests considered.

PinkSyCo · 02/11/2022 09:32

Obviously it’s your body and ultimately your choice, but I’m very much on your husband’s side. I think for all the reasons he’s cited it would be quite selfish for you to go ahead with this pregnancy. I understand that terminating the pregnancy might not be easy for you but I think you have to put the needs of your DD first.

Original poster

LunaMoonKitty · 02/11/2022 09:34

Thank you everyone, I'm honestly glad so many of you guys agree with my fiance (most of the time these posts are mum biased). I guess I was worried it was another one of those situations of SO pushing for abortion for all the wrong reasons. The two lines two of you said that made me stop and take a look from further back were, "you need to be brutally honest with yourself" and "He knows you better than any of us."

Thank you so much everyone.

OP posts:

growinggreyer · 02/11/2022 09:45

Please get counselling for yourself before you make any decisions. These people blithely saying to abort should not be adding pressure to you. It is not up to them to tell you that you are being selfish etc. They are judging you in a way they would not accept for themselves. Ask for support at your GPs. Be kind to yourself, lovely.

beachcitygirl · 02/11/2022 09:54

His points are valid.

He is entitled to not want another child. He's not entitled to pressure you, which it doesn't seem like he's doing to be fair.

You need to figure if he decides to end the relationship if you go ahead with the pregnancy which is his right, could you cope, emotionally & financially.

In other words you need to be prepared to do this alone if you're determined (which is your absolute right) to go ahead.

astronewt · 02/11/2022 09:59

growinggreyer · 02/11/2022 09:45

Please get counselling for yourself before you make any decisions. These people blithely saying to abort should not be adding pressure to you. It is not up to them to tell you that you are being selfish etc. They are judging you in a way they would not accept for themselves. Ask for support at your GPs. Be kind to yourself, lovely.

Better that than people blithely saying "It'll work out, it'll all be fine." Sometimes it just "works out", and sometimes it really really doesn't. In an ugly way in which those who suffer most are the children concerned, but nobody likes to talk about that because a baby can't be un-had and it's uncomfortable to confront the impact of selfish adult decisions.

MissWired · 02/11/2022 10:09

Autism is strongly heritable. If you have one child with autism, you are more likely to end up with two children with autism.

What then?

We are heading into extremely precarious times as a country, both financially and socially. Think very very hard about your next moves. Now is a time for hard-headed practicality, not dewy-eyed naiive optimism.