Fiance feels it's best for me to abort

[LunaMoonKitty]

So i've just found out I'm pregnant and my husband feels it's best for me to abort. I'm 33(34 next month) DF is 32. I already have 1 beautiful DD

I agree with your DF.
Personally I would abort and focus on getting myself mentally well so I could start working and take some of the pressure off him.
Maybe after a couple of years of you both working a baby would be financially viable?

Please read @Ludwig1 and @Flowersonthewall6 posts before you make a decision OP. I sympathise with your H but this is your body and choice and things may well be different with better support. I don't have an opinion either way but being mentally unwell shouldn't rule you out of having children (and the support of my sibling as my mentally ill parent has got older has been invaluable).

This.

I speak from personal experience when I say that having an abortion can have an enormous impact on your mental health. I was pressured into it for similar reasons to you, but I didn't want one. When I was pregnant the second time with DS I used to cry myself to sleep over my first pregnancy. I had PND after I had DS, that was transitory. My abortion will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, quite honestly. If you want a second child don't let anyone pressure you otherwise.

“We are heading into extremely precarious times as a country, both financially and socially. Think very very hard about your next moves. Now is a time for hard-headed practicality, not dewy-eyed naive optimism.”

This.

As for PP referring to transient experiences of PND, OP’s MH issues are ongoing and have prevented her from working for the last 4 years. OP has made clear that they are already struggling financially and their daughter has traits of autism and may well struggle to adjust.

OP - this is a difficult and painful situation for you and I very much hope your MH issues improve in the future but your partner is already carrying a very heavy load indeed and is entitled to say that he would really struggle with extending his responsibilities at the moment. In doing so, he’s prioritising the needs of your existing family unit.

Your DD need not suffer socially from not having siblings - she can still experience a rich social life. I know a number of very content, well-adjusted only children.

I really don't want to abort.

This is the only thing that matters from your post. This is your baby, growing in your body, and you get to decide.

Just because you had bad pnd the first time doesn't mean you will again. You'll know what to look for this time do can get straight on with treatment. I was much better second time around.

I don't know about sensory issues but I'm sure this is something that you could get some specialist advice about, helping your dd to adapt. Crying babies are temporary and in the long run it might be beneficial for her to have a friend and playmate in the house.

If you do have the baby and absolutely can't manage any more dc, suggest for him to get the snip asap.

See a counsellor and talk it through, don't take advice on such a serious and personal issue from a bunch of randoms on the internet. you are more important than that. Mumsnet is a great resource but some posters can be very glib about other people's lives.

I think your DH is right .

Slightly different as I have two. But my MH plummeted after the birth of my second. I became depressed and very anxious. He’s 15m now and I’m still struggling - though have sought help. He is an angel child too so absolutely nothing to do with him.

I know, if I were to fall pregnancy accidentally (I am using the depo shot so minimal risk) I would likely abort. I just don’t think I could mentally handle 3, I really think it would break me.

BUT - that comes very much from me and not my DH.

I think only you know how you feel about keeping the baby, your gut will be telling you.

Completely agree with this - this is too important to not do right.

I don't agree sorry. I think being "struggling with a capital S" as it is and with OP being even less likely to be able to work with 2 small children (practicalities of that rather than MH reasons) it is a very important factor.

I look after children whose parents can't afford to feed and house them to an acceptable standard all the time and I am sick to my back teeth of holding bony toddlers in my arms or having ehole households sick from overcrowding and damp.

Love is not all a child needs and frankly I think more people should consider the life their child will be born into rather than selfishly deciding to have more because simply they want to.

I feel really uncomfortable about this thread. I'm absolutely pro choice and saying 'in your position I would' is one thing but I think implying the OP is selfish, irresponsible or aligning themselves with 'team DH' is both forgetting that he had an equal responsibility to prevent this pregnancy and denying what the reality of aborting a wanted child is likely to feel like for a pregnant woman. Referring to some mythical 'right time' in the future is also fantastical.

Maybe the OP will decide that now is not the time for a baby and that is her right as it should be, but as a pp said people do talk about people's lives very blithely on here. I hope you are getting professional advice OP.

You absolutely shouldn't abort if you don't want to. Your fiancé is looking at it as though you have a time machine and can make it like it never happened. That's impossible, and your relationship will be over if he fails to understand that. Being pressured into a termination is not the solution to anyone's mental health struggles. Just because he pays the bills doesn't mean he gets to decide this.

Listen to your dp concerns but make decision based on your feelings. We often see threads on MN about women who have had an abortion just to please their partner when they wanted the baby and they don't end well. Could you agree to sort out support for you through pregnancy to try to avoid ppd?

He has made very valid, considered & sensible points. I would listen to him.

I was ready to say it’s got to be your decision and you have to feel comfortable with it, but in your circumstances, I don’t see how you can go ahead and think it would be for the best. It would be massively unfair on your husband and daughter. You can’t expect him to financially and emotionally be capable of supporting you and another child against his will, especially when he has very valid reasons for saying no.

Unlike many of the men in these scenario’s, your fiancé does not appear to be having an irrational and unfair reaction. This is a difficult situation.

whether you proceed with this pregnancy or not, I am concerned about the fact that he risked getting you pregnant when he had worries about the impact of the scenario on your mental health.

Has he been making sure to use condoms every time. Are the two of you also using a second method? I know with mental health issues hormonal birth control is likely not a good choice, but there are other options for a second layer.

To be honest he has very very good reasons

Id your mental health is bad now

how’s it going to be with less money , unhappy husband , stressed child and even less money ?

im so sorry though
it’s ducking sad 😞

I would be concerned about your mental health if you go through with an abortion that you're not 100% sure about.

Some of these responses are horrible and are frankly vile.
It is quite clear that the OP does want this baby, but is lacking the support of her partner. It seems that people on here are intent on goading her just as much as her unsupportive partner into having an unwanted abortion.
I have known women that have been in your situation, and relentlessly gave into their partner's demands. Years later they are still haunted by grief and one beautiful lady in particular is struggling to conceive after her husband promised her a baby in a few years time. Well that baby may not come, but this one is here right now. You can't predict the future, you have no way of knowing if you are definitely able to conceive again, and even if you did, you won't ever be able to forget this baby. But give it time and one day you may just be able to forget your partner.

IMO you need to put your DD first. It's sounds like she'd be massively impacted by this, not just because of the autism but also because you're already struggling financially and you are likely to get PND.

Agree with PP, get counselling.

Also as an aside, if you're not actually legally married and your DP decides to leave you you would not be entitled to any of his possessions etc (other than child maintenance). You don't work. You're in a very vulnerable position.

Decisions based on "feelings" ? How about based on facts, like the fact that OP already is struggling, the DH clearly is feeling overwhelmed with his present responsibilities, the existing toddler has needs, the family finances are stretched and we are entering a horrible economic period.

"Feelings" don't pay the bills.

OP I feel for you. I had an unplanned third pregnancy that I wanted to keep and my DH wanted to abort. Let's just say it was a mess.

The reasons against continuing the pregnancy are big ones. But as PPs said, if the situation was so clearcut to your partner, how did the pregnancy ever happen?

The gut feeling of wanting to protect what is growing in your womb is a difficult thing to negotiate with. If you repress it to go along with your partner's pragmatic reasoning, the fallout for your relationship is likely to be massive.

Set your partner's views to one side, get info on available MH support for yourself and ASD support for your daughter, consider what economies if any you can still make, if you've any way to earn despite the baby, and make the decision based on what you think is right for your existing daughter and yourself.

If you abort, it has to be a decision you can own, rather than you giving in to your partner's oh so sensible arguments. He has to get out of your hair while you consider your options.

All the best.

I don't see this as a situation where the partner is being unsupportive.

His reasons for not continuing with the pregnancy are very rational and are also based on compassion regarding the impact of having another baby on the OP and their DD.

Unfortunately, being supportive doesn't always mean agreeing with someone or enabling poor decisions.

It's an awful situation for the OP and my heart goes out to her.

It's a very difficult decision to make, even if your head knows it's the best decision for yourself and your family.

I'm very much a believer that the woman has the final say in such a situation, but ignoring the consequences and expecting everything will be ok is unwise.

Just as women pressured into termination can suffer for years after with guilt and (potential relationship ending levels of) resentment the same is also true in reverse for a partner pressured into accepting an unwanted pregnancy.

As pp's have said, feeling and wishes don't pay the bills or support the pressure on a partner trying to hold a family together with their wife potentially being very ill post partum , two young children (one with additional needs) and hold down a job to keep the finances coming in.

There is truth in the saying it's never the right time to have a baby, but the fact is that there are also some times/circumstances when it's a really bad idea to have a baby and sadly in this case the OP's partner makes some very valid points.

Op posted here, she wanted to talk about how she feels and look for advice. She has been very honest about her struggles, and being anonymous allows more truthful answers than "that's OK hun, you'll be fine when bubs gets here"

It will be fucking hard for all of them, the odds are really high that she will be a single parent if she continues.

But nearly all the replies are very strong on pointing out that its her decision

Deciding to have a child involves consideration of several factors, among them do you want a child, will you love the child, are you capable of providing adequate financial support for the child, are you capable of providing sufficient physical and emotional support for the child. How significant is it that the person who is currently providing the sole source of financial support for the family is saying that he is struggling and cannot support yet another child? Should something happen to him or your relationship, can you contribute to the financial support of your children?

Only you know the answers to these questions, and yet both you and possibly 2 children may have to live with the impact of your decision.

Not an easy position to be in, but one that requires a lot of honest evaluation and serious thought . Sadly, life does not always provide easy or simple solutions.