Fiance feels it's best for me to abort

[LunaMoonKitty]

So i've just found out I'm pregnant and my husband feels it's best for me to abort. I'm 33(34 next month) DF is 32. I already have 1 beautiful DD

Op, none of us are qualified to know the answer, this huge answer, I feel extremely sorry for you, to be on the one hand elated at the prospect of another child only to have to be sensible and think of the variables you cannot control.

Money, how likely is that going to be any better in 4 years, I'd take a punt on things possibly becoming worse.
Your mental health, you will always suffer, whether with PND you don't know, or the coping after an abortion.
Such hard choices, the only thing I could suggest is councelling to help you cope with any decision and maybe a CA trip to see if there could possibly be any financial help you could recieve if you both decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Agree with this.

@Natty13 I'm with you in the sense that if the question were "should I TTC in these circumstances" I would say it's probably best to wait. But that ship has sailed. OP is already pregnant. You see why I also made mention of getting permanent contraception in place to avoid a repeat.

I think it could be devastating to terminate a wanted child because of temporary practical problems, or less than ideal situation, to then TTC again after a couple of years. I think OP's partner doesn't really understand the emotions involved in a life that already exists and can't just be replaced in a couple of years with another baby.

. I think OP's partner doesn't really understand the emotions involved in a life that already exists and can't just be replaced in a couple of years with another baby.

Maybe. But he understands they cannot afford this child and are struggling with the one they have. He does get a right to express his feelings. If they're already struggling, bringing a baby in would like force them into poverty. Of course OP can decide, but the person who pays for everything absolutely can say his thoughts.

Please don’t abort unless you are certain, especially as you suffer from anxiety and depression. An unwanted abortion could really have a negative impact on your mental health. Everyone is struggling with money at the moment - I have 2 and honestly 2 is not much more expensive than 1! I always wonder why people make out like it is a big price increase because it really isn’t in my experience.

Re: your daughters issues, I had similar concerns about my first child (a son) that you have about your daughter (similar issues). But you daughter might adore her sibling and they might help her learn to engage with other children better, your daughters sibling might be the best friend that she needs! This is exactly what happened with my son who I was worried about - his baby sibling became the absolute light of his life and his best friend when I’d been worried about him being lonely before, due to his issues. He’s never lonely now.

There’s a good reason - or several good reasons - to end every pregnancy, the timing and situation is never perfect. It’s not been for anyone I know, anyway. Or me! It’s always money/relationship/career/home issues. A baby might make these things more difficult or put you in a less than perfect situation for a while but that’s life, things will improve. And you’ll have another child who you’ll love just as much as the first who will definitely be worth the temporary inconvenience and the struggle.

FWIW I also suffer from anxiety/depression/ADHD and I was worried about my transition from being a mum of 1 to a mum of 2! Honestly, I was SO surprised by how easy it was. Baby number 2 is a breeze compared to baby number 1 (anxiety wise) because you’ve done it all before and you know how tough they are and they just sort of slot into your life - you just do what you did before but with a pram or a sling! And when baby is older it’s even better because the two can play/entertain each other.

MN is always so ‘yes you should abort’ whenever there is a thread like this, and I’m just wanting to come on here to show that I too was in a very similar situation and I’m so glad I didn’t abort.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Your decision matters most so don’t be pressured if it isn’t what you want 💐

I think it could be devastating to terminate a wanted child because of temporary practical problems, or less than ideal situation, to then TTC again after a couple of years.

I agree 100% with this. Especially finding yourself unable to conceive after aborting a wanted pregnancy - that would be heartbreaking.

If OP has been unable to work for years because of MH issues, these are not temporary, practical problems. Someone has to pay for all the children's needs.

I agree that pinning hopes on some mythical future child isn’t good. In an ideal world no child would go hungry, there would be decent support for OP’s child with additional needs and they wouldn’t be struggling. But in this world, they are already struggling. That’s not to say OP shouldn’t make the decision she wants, but it doesn’t mean her partner is wrong or bad for thinking about how to support his family.

Your 4 year old will have a sibling not too far away in age. Another child like your daughter whom you love. You want to keep your baby. The depression from aborting could very well be worse, there is no way to know for sure. I had euphoria when I was pregnant. Can’t really predict. I wish you and your child the best, go with your gut instinct.

He’s telling you he can’t possibly afford another child.
He’s telling you he can’t cope with the strain of finances especially as you are currently unable to work.
He’s telling you how impossible he feels it would be for you to cope with your health problems and with a child with sensory needs and a new born.

Unless you can counter any of those points, then you must listen to him and think about how you would cope as a single mum in your position.

He is also telling you that when things improve financially and when your health improves, he is prepared to plan properly ahead for a second child as this definitely isn’t the right time.

You have alot to think about OP. It’s a terrible dilemma on which to make a decision and I feel for you.
But your fiancée sounds like a keeper - hard working, caring and very sensible.

Could you consider concentrating on getting yourself as well as possible so that you can contribute a little bit to finances before planning a much wanted second child ?
Good luck.

If you don’t want to abort ,and you do ….
don’t underestimate to huge impact that will have on your mental health,and most probably your relationship as you will blame him

I empathise with your partner. It must be terrifying knowing there's another baby coming along which both you and your existing child may likely struggle with, and that he HAS to be at work because his is the only income that will support both children.

Your mental health must be quite bad if you can't do any work at all.

What can you do to reassure him that this will actually work out? Can you build a support network that isn't just him?

What a difficult situation OP. I think it's one of those where there is nor 'right answer, it's more a case of what is least bad. Only you can decide that.

The only thing I would add, is that if your dd is autistic, there is a genetic component, so I think you might be wise to consider how you would cope if the next child had additional needs too. Sounds like life is quite a struggle as it is, so it's worth considering.

Good luck, whatever decision you make 💐

And I know people in similar situations that aren’t destroyed by it. They know it was the right choice at that time. Despite them preferring to keep the baby if the situation was different. Yes, there potentially an impact on Ops mental health either way.

Op could be equally destroyed by another child. We don’t know. They could win the lottery on Friday.

Trying to pretend her partner does not have valid points and is trying to goad her, is really manipulative. He has concerns. Huge concerns and is allowed to express them as well. There’s 4 people to consider. While the choice is ultimately the ops, she won’t be the only person impacted whatever she choose and to pretend non of that matters, isn’t going to benefit the op.

Too many people are siding with the husband here, purely based on finance Unless paying for child care, the early years does not cost much more for two than it does for one.

And then what? They dump the child on the street when it's out of the early years and too expensive?

OP said they are Struggling already anyway. Babies might be cheaper than older children but they're not free.

This seems like a totally clear situation of it not being the right time for a baby however tempting it may be to distract yourself from your existing problems with something potentially exciting and life changing.

The reality is it will make things much harder not easier.

Only if the OP is able to care for both the children. If they don't have local family support it sounds as if there's a real risk that she won't be able to.

Are nappies free then? Thats a huge cost in itself. What happens after2? The OP doesn't work now, I doubt she will if there were 2 kids.

Oh he can say his thoughts, but it's not his decision to make. Men who don't want children need to use effective contraception.

And how’s op going to cope if her husband buckles under the stress
And worst case walks ….

that’s going to be worse than the stress of an abortion
way worse

im astounded with the ‘your body and heart knows best’ shit here

given her poor body’s given her anxiety so bad she can’t work … she needs healing ❤️‍🩹 not another child

Good job he’s not making a decision then, just offering his thoughts. And you don’t know he wasn’t using contraception. He’s not wrong about the many serious obstacles to OP continuing the pregnancy, not least to OP herself, just because he’s a man.

No based on the whole situation.

Which does include finances. Early years can cost a huge amount. Especially if ops mental health does get worse? Or her oldest needs lots of specialist care where it’s not appropriate to take a baby and toddler?

and what happens then after early years?

Oh he can say his thoughts, but it's not his decision to make. Men who don't want children need to use effective contraception.

But he's not making the decision. He's giving his thoughts and not sugar coating the situation, which is the right way to go about it. Contraception can also fail.

Not just the finances though, is it? His partner has mental health issues serious enough to prevent her working, previous PND which if repeated could render her unable to care for 4 year old and new born, 4 year old with possible ASD. And don't dismiss the impact of the stress of being the only financial support to a family of four. What happens if it becomes too much for him and he becomes unwell and can't work?

Based on finances and OPs mental health and her child’s possible additional needs