Fiance feels it's best for me to abort

[LunaMoonKitty]

So i've just found out I'm pregnant and my husband feels it's best for me to abort. I'm 33(34 next month) DF is 32. I already have 1 beautiful DD

So your mental health was that bad you can’t work. Your first child had a high possibility of some sort of ND, that somehow seemed to get better with having a sibling? You were already on the breadline at a time when costs will only get higher and higher? Op also believe her husband is almost certainly ASD ans struggles with sensory overload.

and the 2nd child magically fixed it all. Apart from the money situation?

I might believe it if you hadn’t have started a thread that showed your thoughts on abortion already.

No one pushes abortion. But many posters are pro choice. Pro choice means just that. That you have the choice I. Any circumstances. They were asked for their opinion and gave it.

This . You need to think, could I cope as a single mum. If you couldn't then maybe you do seriously need to consider abortion..if your dd does have SEN, the impact of a second child could make your lives a lot harder. Think of all the posts where the older child with autism is dominating the lives of their younger siblings.
Having said all that, if you really can't face abortion you have time to think how you can manage your pregnancy and new baby, to get help from your midwife about PND from the start.

The thing I don't think everyone pushing her towards abortion because she knew deep down herself what her DH said was right as much as she wants this baby she knew abortion could be right for them.

I am not someone who really for abortions but over time everyone has a choice.

She has mental health issues a child with issues. Her DP staid they couldn't afford another child.

We are not the OP DP who may have watched her struggle whom may still struggle.

The decision is what's best and like I said not for abortions really but if her MH not great it's a concern if she does or doesn't. It's tough but agree no one shouldn't push people to abortions.

If she was a woman whom had affair with married man would be like no don't for him. But some situations like OP has serious concerns which she needs to discuss with counsellor or doctor.

Like I said OP knows what's best in her own mind even without her DP saying anything..

The key phrase here is "...and I really don't want to abort". If you don't want to give up this pregnancy OP, then don't. You sound as if you're parroting his "logic" without actually feeling that it's the right thing to do. If you were convinced that termination was the way to go, you wouldn't have posted here asking a bunch of strangers to decide for you. Please get some professional support and counselling before making any decision!

Op I think you’ve got some anti choicers posting Worth considering that some people posting won’t reveal their stances, as they know they will be discounted, as they are not able to consider both sides due to personal views.

you are in a very difficult situation , no one can advise you either way on here, but severe mental health issues, another mouth to feed when finances are so tight and one child who may need additional support are very difficult circumstances to manage and actually live through.

Ensuring you can both cope. Understanding rhe impact on your daughter, your relationship, your actual day to day life, are all key elements to think through in your decision making process.

Op I think you’ve got some anti choicers posting Worth considering that some people posting won’t reveal their stances, as they know they will be discounted, as they are not able to consider both sides due to personal views.

They're always obvious.

I would abort him, the partner. Abortion is awful for women´s mental health. where there is a will there will be a way like we have done, like our parents did like our grandparents did. It should only be considered in the most dire of situations. And this doesn´t sound like it. If your mental health is sensitive abortion is the last thing you should be considering.

Hi Op, babies grown into children who grow into adults. It's important to separate that out from your own desires and think long term.

Your mum feelings and body shouldn't be stronger than the quality of life you can give your child - and I don't mean money. I mean mental health, time, and of course a life where you're not constantly struggling to make ends meet to the detriment of your family. If you're not working, it means your fiancé is supporting you all, and that will take a toll on his mental and physical health. He won't get to enjoy quality time with his children and that's not fair either.

I think if you can manage to get treatment for your depression and start working again, having a second child will be more comfortable for you and the children and him. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do, but equally you are entirely financially dependent on him atm - if he got sick or died, what then?

Something to think about.

Not for every woman.

Op has a very tough choice to make and I don't envy her.

Either way it's going to be horrible, she wants to keep the baby, but there are so many factors against this.

What most decent posters are doing here is being brutally honest.
Would they be this honest in real life? Well if asked in exactly the same way then yes I think they would.

Also - having children means it's not just about you and what you want anymore. We tell men constantly to not think with their bodies and focus on what's right for their families. I think the same applies to women.

Always do what's best for your current child and future child, not just what's best for you. Think of their mental health as well as yours.

@SVRT19674 you're being ridiculous. Abortion is not bad for women's mental health - the research shows 99% of women don't regret it 5 years after the fact.

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0277953619306999?via%3Dihub

We tell men constantly to not think with their bodies and focus on what's right for their families.

Do we? How?

Don't be a sex pest

Get a vasectomy for the good of the family even though you feel conflicted about giving up your fertility

Stuff like that

And going through with a pregnancy in dire circumstances like Ops could also be and for their mental health. Ops situation is dire, imo. Abortion can not be only available in the most dire situations. Who judges what is dire?

Again, what does what our grandparents did have anything to do with it? It like people think that previous generations all had idyllic childhoods and everything worked out ok. But what about all the kids it didn’t work out ok for?

I'm on the fence. I had postpartum psychosis after dc1 followed by severe pnd and other issues. I couldn't work or function. However dh has a good job and family money so financially we were fine. I did have a second child and that time I only had baby blues much to the amazement of my psychiatrist so it's not guaranteed you'd have the exact same issues. My eldest does also have additional needs and whilst noise is a trigger, he wasn't bothered by dd crying (she didn't cry much). Now he and dd are very much a team but again that's not a guaranteed outcome.

However the financial side would bother me plus the fact that your dh thinks abortion is the way forward. You both need to be on the same page. My mother told me to abort dc2 for similar reasons to the ones your dh gave. The main reason I didn't was that I had the unwavering support of dh and his parents. I think if I hadn't, as hard as it would have been I would have chosen abortion (I'm pro choice but have always struggled with the idea on a personal level, I.e. me having one).

Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

@Spookypig
Everyone is struggling with money at the moment - I have 2 and honestly 2 is not much more expensive than 1! I always wonder why people make out like it is a big price increase because it really isn’t in my experience.

I'm guessing your children are very young. You won't be 'wondering' any more once they are at school/college.

Oops, the mask slipped there.

Don't think with your dick. Fight your biological urge to spread your seed. Don't push for sex. Don't watch porn. Etc etc

And I'm a woman. Completely agree with holding men to account for rising above primitive, biological urges for the greater good of their partners, kids, society. We need to expect the same of women. Not just have kids because it's our biological urge and right but think about what's best for them and our partners too.

Well said, @ganvough

I did see this ganvough. I didn't want to engage with you because I think the argument is spurious but don't particularly think it's helpful to the OP to debate it.

I don't think men are told what to do with their bodies even a fraction as much as women are. Women are legislated against when it comes to body autonomy (and not pushing for sex is not about bodily autonomy for men it's about other people's right to engage in sex or not too). Women are given all sorts of advice and orders about what abortion means and whether or not a collection of cells is sacred, a burden on society, your responsibility or somebody else's property. So I am not buying the 'poor men' in comparison at all.

That said, I'm sure the OP is thinking about all sorts of things when she's thinking about whether to terminate her pregnancy or not. Hopefully she and her partner can come to an agreement of some kind.

If you abort a child feeling the way you already do about this one, that would negatively effect your mental health.

Any issues you have with your mental health during and after pregnancy @LunaMoonKitty , just turn to services. I have bipolar and by turning to services and following their advice re medication, I know I will come out the other side of anything.

@Mardyface

This has nothing to do with legislation and everything to do with the child and the family unit. Women can't control what legislation exists or what society expects - and that is truly tragic, but they can control the quality of life and care they provide for a child.

That child doesn't care what legislation exists - they do care about a mother and father who doesn't have the mental, physical and financial resources to look after them. There are so many adults dealing with childhood trauma, so many children who have to grow up too soon to be adults in place of their parents, children who grow up in poverty with risks to life, safety, and health, children who become their parents's emotional support and carers. And while this can happen anyway to anyone at anytime, bringing them into a world where you already know you can't give them a good life is not in their best interests.

People wouldn't bring home a puppy if they didn't have the time, space, patience or money to look after it properly. Yet we do it so unthinkingly with human babies.

I raised the point because OP's only rationale for having the child was her body's urges and own emotional need for it. Did not see any planning, suggestions or consideration for how they would manage. It is her fiancé thinking about that and their family life. Women alone bring children into the world and should be considering a lot more when making that decision than just, 'but I really want one'.

@ganvough I agree with most of what you say. I just don't think that men are more constantly told what to do with their bodies than women are at all.

I also think that although the OP should be thinking about her family's quality of life, her H is not automatically correct in this situation (& not automatically wrong either). I think telling people not to have children because they are mentally ill is dangerous and wrong. I don't think it's ever as simple as 'get your mental health sorted and then try' except in very limited cases. I think a sibling is a great thing to have throughout adult life, especially if your parent is likely to be tricky as they get older. And I don't think that the H being the earner gives him more right to choose.

On top of all that I think that the emotional reality of choosing not to get pregnant in theory is quite different from choosing to terminate a pregnancy when you don't want to and I don't think that should be discounted.

Ultimately I think we agree - and actually I sympathise with the H as I said about 3 posts into this thread - but I really think posters should be careful about making forceful recommendations either way. Not saying you did.

Lots of people don't.

Agreed. Tbf I actually don't think poor mental or physical health is a reason to not have kids.

It was the mental health and the impact on her first child with special needs and the impact on finances and impact on her fiancés health supporting them all as she doesn't work - it was all of that combined.

And just trying to explain to OP that having a child is a lot more than than just what the woman wants. The same way she wouldn't be ok with her fiancé telling her his body wanted him to shag about.