Dating Thread 235... Gird those loins for November

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

SortingItOut

doesn’t sound like a pickle to me either !
sounds like fun
you have been BUSY

like the sound of the 35 year old too

Why does social want exclusivity ?

Slothmomma

when’s your next Sex tryst with medic ?
sounds like the sparkle is wearing off there a bit ?

Blimey @Slothmomma you are a dating legend. Sounds less of a pickle and more of a good load of opportunities to me.

Thanks for wording advice.
I can't recall what I said @Horses4

Love that I have lower than low expectations of date with MrUnion. This is way better than an almighty build up then the horrible damp squib disappointment when the actual fails to marry up with the textuals.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Mr Social wants exclusivity because that's societies normal...he believes in dating one at a time and doesn't do ONS.

I was chatting to VGD and she reminded me that exclusivity and dating one at a time is the norm and its only some of us who have FB/FWB/casual sex that think differently.

I'm worried my thinking is skewed because I'm 4.5 years out of an abusive marriage and for all that time I've been emotionally unavailable and happy to have just FWB or FB and now I've had counselling and looking for a relationship I need to change my mindset which is difficult sometimes.

Life is busy enough without a relationship so they have to be pretty special for me to make time.

SortingItOut

fair enough . I totally get monogamy
one of my friends is trying to keep her distance from a chap she is very smitten with , but he’s not 100% into monogamy …they are discussing it

in was more curious why he bought it up after so few dates more

its early days no ?

but yeah sexual monogamy is not an unreasonable ask

i see your point however
it’s hard to see the wood for the trees after divorce then counselling etc
your brains all over the place (well mine is !)

keep taking it one step at a time ! I think if you are honest and keep to your values it will be ok whatever happens

Feeling really sad and need to offload / a virtual hug - prob come to the wrong place for that!

Met a guy OLD. Messaged a lot, chatted everyday and met up for about 8 dates or so.
He's separated and going through the divorce process. Big red flag I know and I should have heeded the warnings.

Last couple of weeks he's been withdrawing. It's made me stressed and upset. Last night we talked and it's clear he doesn't have time or space for a relationship. I'm obviously not surprised but I'm terribly upset. Feel like an idiot and really exposed.

I've been on my own with my kids for years and I'm at a different stage and really want to meet someone and move forwards. It just sucks. We're so well matched in so many ways but the timing is shit and part of me thinks if he was really into me then he'd find the time and the space :(

I know the answers. I just needed to vent.

Mumtolittleorange

🤗
that’s a shame
but he’s the first one you liked after your divorce right ?
so always the most bruising

don’t think this means you won’t meet anyone else

i think best to avoid anyone mid divorce (ha!) it’s just super stressful for any soul
baggage ++++

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss not me that's the dating legend - that's sorting who has the pickle I can only dream of 😄

@Thisisworsethananticpated our sleepover is Friday night. I think it will really depend how that goes as to whether it continues or not

Re talking about exes: my last LTR talked ALOT about his crazy ex on our first date. I ignored the 🚩 at my peril as I'm sure he's talking about me in the same way now. My issue, on reflection, is that he never acknowledged his behaviour could have impacted their marriagebreakdown. It is often both, to a lesser or greater extent (even with my abusive ex).

In other news, have 2 irons, both wish to meet. I'm taking it slowly as not sure my head is in right place to be strong and boundaried, which I think it needs to be...

@Thisisworsethananticpated - thanks for your kind reply. I'm so emotional today I couldn't cope with any I told you so's or you should have known betters!!

Just read some other posts and people are referencing a book on emotional unavailability. What's it called? Any other recommendations?

I need to harden up and stop overthinking. He's not the first person I've liked / dated since my divorce but the only one that I've had a relationship with. I've been single for about eight years! I thought I was ready. I've been working on myself a lot but when I meet someone I like it all seems to go to pot!!

Mumtolittleorange

the books called ‘mr unavailable and the falllback girl’

these unavailable types can be GREAT for casual FWB
but not If looking for ❤️

if it’s any consolation my my first relationship after divorce was an overseas guy , all messaging and photos etc
never met him !
when we split up after 6 months i cried

And who says your not ready ? It’s ok to be sad when something nice ends
all these scars do is teach us what we like and don’t like

Thanks @Thisisworsethananticpated ☀️

Sorry @Slothmomma and @SortingItOut

i hereby solemnly promise to not post a single thing again sans spectacles. It never ends well.

Am sitting on the sofa instead of working out what to wear for coffee date. Have run around all morning and wish I was staying in and cleaning the house now...

@Mumtolittleorange my heart breaks for you.

That's how I feel way earlier when I think there really into me and they're obviously not. I feel so embarrassed and foolish.

But we shouldn't. There are often mixed signals. The guy I met knew we lived 3 hours apart but still wanted to meet up then used it as an excuse not to meet again.

I was mortified and could feel myself going redder and redder but actually once I thought about it, on the drive home, I put it more into perspective.

It's the way they let you down IYSWIM? Like - oh I'm so sorry....

I felt it like a physical slap.

So sending you a massive hug 🤗

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

yeah tricky weather to date dress
keep us posted !

@Findingmeagain I am struggling, too. Never dated AT ALL. A few teenage ONS, met my husband in the wild at 17, and just… fell into a 19 relationship/marriage . Single for nine years. Have met the loveliest (so far) of men on Tinder and am utterly clueless about how this works. If it wasn’t for this thread, I’d be lost!

Mr2Pugs remains lovely. And platonic. On Tuesday we had a really wonderful little smooch, and I thought there was passion there, after all. Hurrah! Not so today. He came over for coffee, met my kiddo (briefly. She’s not generally interested in my friends) we had a lovely chat about all the things friends chat about and no proper kisses, because kids (totally fair enough). There isn’t the slightest hint he wants anything more. There’s no flirting, no cheeky comments, no innuendo, no compliments, barely any touching or lingering glances. It’s just like having coffee with your bestie. He can’t just want lunches and coffee, surely? He’s either impossible to read, terrified, impossibly gentlemanly or thinks I’m made of glass. I have no idea how, or even whether to bring it up. He’s SO lovely, and I WANT him dammit (but I don’t want to pressure him). And yet I’m getting no come on at all. Just chatty, friendly, lovely companion-ey stuff. Which is lovely, but sure there ought be at least hints of something more by now?

I’ve a horrible feeling he’s trying not to pressure me and I’m trying not pressure him. But one if us needs to advance things eventually, or we’ll be here until Christmas!

Oh just his age and that you are 49. My closest friend has been involved with a guy she met who has been on tinder. Likes women approaching 50 we now have 6 women he has been sleeping with for the past year. Living with 3 of them on different occasions. A complete predator.

I’m a bit like Mr Social,, - if someone wants to have a FWB/ FB kinda thing that’s fine, but if you want to move to relationship then you are moving into exclusive territory.

would you give up Mr 35, for Mr Relationship ( if let’s just say he is Mr 45 ? )

@Eeksteek This might sound weird, but you might have give him okay to make a move, I’m not saying shove your hands down his pants, but a longer touch on his hand, a touch on his arm / hand on his back, touch his bum, , something to say “Yes a touch is fine “. Without saying it.

I’m 43 and it’s definitely not him, thank goodness!

I’m uneasy about the 6.5 year gap, it would be a definitely no for me for someone 13 years younger!

So I posted a little while back about falling for the first guy I met (only twice) after starting this OLD, Mr Laidback. Contacted him during a drunken evening and then went to his the next day for great sex. Then nothing again. Which is okay, I think.

Have been dating a lot - all younger men. 10-15 years younger and one even younger than that. No one that I'm that interested in but I need the ego boost and I'm always honest and upfront with things

Anyway, the other day I matched with someone almost my age, Mr Skiier, and after just chatting for a few days, the vibe is totally different. So much better. He's currently out of the country but I hope to see him when he's back week after next... If he's real that is.

What do you clever people think? Could my "obsession" with younger men be because I find it easier to emotionally distance myself from them (I do find them more pleasing to the eye - yes, I know that that's superficial and a generalisation...) whilst I'm learning to enjoy my own company?

@Thisisworsethananticpated I think Mr Social wants exclusivity because I'm fabulous and he wants a relationship with me😂
We have only had 2 proper dates and some coffee dates but we have been friends for 4 months and been out with our group at least once a week so we know each other quite well, its not been like 2 strangers meeting off OLD.

@Slothmomma It's quite a stressful pickle to have and one I'm compartmentalising😂

@NoDatingForOldMen Ultimately Mr35 will have to go when I get into a relationship. I'm trying not to get too hung up on Mr Social's age....