Dating Thread 235... Gird those loins for November

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks very much @Mila14 , @Thisisworsethananticpated and @Justatoe2. Great advice. I will definitely use it. I will report back to the mothership!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …I think you know deep down probably you love MrM but the fact he has never said “I love you” to you speaks volumes. I have huge admiration for you and how you have handled yourself openly with an FWB and a boyfriend. Will you go exclusive with Mr N and are you guys likely to be in love? If it’s open relationship with MrN …how is he not another FWB. has he said he loves you? I think it’s really difficult to keep all the right boundaries and proper tone. I’m a bloody dinosaur and very old fashioned I think.

Please tell me what you all think.. aggressive ex wife and then he tells me his fantasy is sex with drug use and pegging.. He apologised but I’m out. Jeezus. He’s angry as I clearly didn’t listen to his apology and am not the person he thought I was. Well.. no I’m not into ramming plastic bananas up your butt, taking drugs or listening to your ex wife contemptuously demanding to know about a new girlfriend. Another swerve I think.

Why wouldn't you want to meet them in person? Surely you want to know as soon as possible if they are who they say they are and not lying, and also whether you're attracted to them?

I’m not sure it’s about love @Mila14 - MrM has never told anyone he is in love with them 😳 - but it quite probably is about me repeating a pattern where I think I can convert someone by dint of being super brilliant - ie that relationships are about being “good enough”. What I have with MrN is someone who is absolutely lovely and not about that, and I do love him. I think this is the universe really making it plain to me that it’s time to turn my back on men who can’t meet my needs and focus my attention on the very lovely ones who can. It’s an embarrassingly hard lesson to be learning aged 52!

bingo46

gosh ! Why do people share this stuff so fast

dysfunctional exes abound , and I dont (try not to !) judge sexual kinks

but to go in so fast with this data shows a basic lack of emotional intelligence , and delicacy

oy vey

Sorry, this sounds horrendous. Run away.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs - does it make you feel better if I tell you I'm 55 and I'm still learning about repeating patterns of behaviour.
We are on a learning curve.

@bingo46 jeez - wow!

Can I just say something that people might get cross about but I get really fed up with the 'mad ex' stories from new men. My last one told me how demanding his ex wife was and how she bled him dry. Also issues with his grown up kids. Afterwards I realised that he had behaved in a very similar way to my ex and he thought he had no responsibility towards anyone, it was a mistake, get over it.

Repeating patterns of attraction again Deffy 🤦‍♀️

I am probably (definitely) being painted in that light to all and sundry. That's why I told people exactly what happened. I did that to my kids too. Honesty is very important to me. I'm not saying I was always a peach to live with but lots of other things were total crap.

Does that make sense??

I think most exes male and female are viewed as mad

let’s face it divorce and splits are brutal and hurtful for everyone

I can just imagine my ex on a date and the things he’d maybe blurt about me.

and he’s salty as I have the kids

yeah I’m knackered , but I have them with me
and his heart ❤️ on some level is broken

the question is have you made peace with it ?

and I think women make peace with it better than men do , as we talk and have therapy

@Shwingbada I feel upset for you that he didn’t reply. If I sent that to a partner and they didn’t reply apart from ‘good night’ I’d consider ending it to be honest, unless there was a really really good reason.

A huge NO for me…but then I’m a prude!!! I think this is very uncomfortable talk and weird guy to start with these issues. If you were looking for just sex or a fuck buddy perhaps ok but if you are after a relationship this is not the way

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …don’t worry about embarrassments and learning late. We are all pretty much like you. But it’s true…we can’t change a person. If he loves us brilliant but if he doesn’t…he will never do.
It’s looking increasingly real that MrN is the person you are going to focus on. Perhaps it will be the time to do completely exclusive and see how that works?
I think Mr N is worth investing emotionally in. He makes you very happy 😊

It is tricky with bad XHs having (often sketchy) involvement with kids so you end up having to mention them
(Eg a date pencilled in for MrCars and I got stood down as XH couldn't be arsed to drive to see his kids last minute) plus when you are a few dates in you do want to know more about their life and vice versa. I initially say 'we grew apart' then move to 'he was a complicated character' and save the 'he was abusive to me and two of the kids' for wayyyyyyyyyyy later (learned this the hard way) but do reveal that I was responsible for the lions share of parenting from the start due to 'his work' (dire mental health)

ramming plastic bananas up your butt

I don’t mind the odd banana, full of potassium and all that, but I normally put them in different opening…

😂😂😂😂

I'm still swiping for additional irons to stop myself getting too invested in this ridiculous 31 year old Mr Boxer situation.

Re-read the thread rules. They are so helpful!

Need to spread the risk so I don't have a single point of failure, haha!

@5thWisdom …I totally agree with your strategy…on must not get over invested…but who are we kidding here…your sexy boxer is keeping you thinking 🤔😊..have you arrange to meet him yet?

Haha! Yes.

He has mentioned wanting to meet a couple of times, his work schedule means he's closer to me geographically for longer this week. We would need to work around my child commitment and his work. I will leave up to him to chase and lock that down! (Just my personal preference not to chase that first date although clearly if he doesn't take decisive action within next few days - and his actions match his words - I'll be feeling ambivalent towards him. I don't want a pen pal with the odd phone call thrown in. I'm also keen to meet earlier rather than later in this process.

When will you see Mr Ex again - is it this weekend?

Just to loop back to the tattoo discussion early, was out with NoShow in a trendy (expensive) eating place at the weekend, noticed that lots of young and trendy staff ( of both genders) almost all were inked.
is getting lots of Tats a thing for trendy young women these days ?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs ..it's all learning! I'm 58 and still fucking up and trying to change how I deal with stuff.

Currently struggling as ex's new relationship is on FB (he's blocked but have a workaround 🙄). Trying to process why I'm bothered as I have a huge list of reasons I left. I'm taking my outward indifference as a positive and that this shall too pass.

Yes Justie , Sunday…night. Unfortunately he’s off to NY while im child free…bugger. But I’m happy with video calls and meeting him around h his schedule. We have weekend after too 😈😈😈 sexathon is in order , going out and overall good fun. I’m not yet fully acknowledging we are all sorted though. Takes time for me to see how we get on. But of course we are exclusive and not dating anyone.

I totally get getting triggered by ex husband’s new partner… we are a lot happier without them but I also mourn my stupid years being a doormat while he’s giving his new girlfriend luxury holidays and the life of Riley. I could never have proper holidays as we were too busy and blah blah, kids, blah blah. Sex was shite too. MrEx’s is heavenly though and he spoils me like no one has ever.

@5thWisdom …have you arranged with him that he is to find time and schedule date? Otherwise he might be thinking you have the upper word? I mean he’s got his kids and you have yours?? It really is a 2 way operation this dating malarkey 😊. When we are available, sometimes they aren’t and viceversa

He doesn't have children.

He's raised the suggestion of meeting a few times so I'll let him take the initiative. We shall see.

He's been a lot quieter on messaging today so this may just fizzle out!

Oh wise ones - how do you delete a blocked contact on WhatsApp?!!

@5thWisdom …if he’s got no kids, potentially he’s got a lot more opportunities than you to meet up. Shouldn’t it be you organising as you need to arrange for childcare or your kids dad to have them? I don’t understand 😝🤪