Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

I said mainstream kink.

And some things that used to be regarded as kink are quite mainstream these day.

Ikr

I think @LemonDrop22 needs to get out more.

Men have been enjoying a cheeky finger up the bum for yeeeears. Pegging is just a progression of that. It feels good, therefore they do it. The only reason it's not talked about more is because of the stigma of it being "gay".

This isn’t my experience. I’d say I’ve had a higher number of sexual partners than average and probably about 50% were into bum stuff, the other 50% weren’t but weren’t actively appalled by it. I know of several straight male friends or acquaintances who have been pegged or are into it. I too would say it’s on the pretty mild end of the kink scale and doesn’t make someone gay. I don’t think there’s anything disgusting or deviant about someone enjoying a sexual practice that’s a bit outside the norm, I’m not sure why so many people are desperate to moralise it or insinuate it must mean negative things about someone as a person.

That aside though, if you don’t like it then you shouldn’t be doing it or feel pressured into it, and there’s clearly a huge sexual incompatibility in this relationship and a lot of bottled-up resentment. OP did say though that at times she’d even enjoyed it so I can’t help wondering if she feels shame at this, because of other peoples judgement and her own internalised ideas of what’s normal or not? I don’t think it’s helpful to anyone to say “this is what normal sex involves and if anyone wants something outside of that they’re a horrid freak”. Normal is whatever a consenting couple wants it to be. I will reiterate though that I’m not saying OP should accept or do anything she doesn’t like and clearly she needs a serious chat with her husband about the fact this kind of sex is not for her.

I don’t think many women would feel loved or desired by a man who won’t come near them unless they instigate dominant sex and he has to whisper fantasies about men fucking him in order to climax.

Thats the “negative” people are pointing out. Sex is on his terms and he has to go into fantasy land in his head to feel aroused. He’s not in the moment, his wife begins to assume he’s not turned on by her or her body.

Most women would start to feel unattractive, disrespected or even used by this behaviour.

Theres a difference between indulging each other’s kinks and this isn’t there?

Nailed it.

Everyone else on this thread has stated their opinions and experiences without lowering themselves to personal attacks.

Says a lot about you that you're the first to make one.

On lunch. I’ve caught up.

I do it, I do the story telling. I have made this situation as he can’t come in any other way. If I go silent it goes on and on, I need to tell him what to do then it’s done. I need to tell him to go down on me, I tell him what position - I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t. He is completely silent during sex unless I’m dominating and he’s responding.

Ive fucked it all up and sent it in this direction. I can’t get my head round when it all got like this very very early on when we were in the first year. He showed me she male porn for the first time etc he wanted me to tie him up, he bought the strap on. I just went a long cos I was from a fucked up family and he offered me security. And now we’ve built this life.

I screwed it al up.

Some men.

Some men hate it.

It's due to women like you blankly assuming they do that some men are horrified and quite violated by women doing it with no warning or invite during sex and oral sex.

I know at least two who said that happened to them.

Ive fucked it all up and sent it in this direction.

But you've only done what he's wanted and what he responds to.

You're saying he doesn't intiate a d it would be silence etc.

I can’t get my head round when it all got like this very very early on when we were in the first year. He showed me she male porn for the first time etc he wanted me to tie him up, he bought the strap on. I just went a long cos I was from a fucked up family and he offered me security.

Well you have got your head around it.

He pushed things in that direction and you went along with it.

Bit it's not really making you happy or satisfied, you're not reallynok with it.

It's a good thing that you're finally acknowledging that.

It's a good thing you're discussing it on here.

I doubt many women would be happy or satisfied with your sex life and sexual dynamic to be honest.

They'd be a minority fetish group.

He's taken advantage of your background and subsequent desperation for security and continuity to push a sexual dynamic and sex life that very few women would be happy with.

I think most would have exited stage left sooner or later, and I think he's aware of that.

I have to agree.

I felt this way when commenting yesterday too. "Taken advantage" are the exact words I was thinking.

I don’t think he knows he’s taken advantage. It’s like we’ve both gone along with it and it’s become the norm.

Just following on from Lemondrop's comment, I know you've shared that you were abused as a child, and orally raped.

In these situations, you were unable to say no, not your fault.
I feel that knowing what you weren't through and my last sentence that he took advantage of what you have shared, and created the exact same situation, though different. Same, as in you've said here, you weren't along with it etc.

This is vile. And he is a vile, vile man.

The only way this would be an even remotely satisfying, fair, two way sex life was if dominating and degrading your sexual partner pretty much every time was what got you off.

But it's not

And you're in the majority in that.

So it's a shit, one sided sex life, aside from the whole side show sexuality debate.

To me, even if he wasn't taking advantage consciously or purposefully, he has taken advantage of your ba kground and subsequent issues to pursue/set up a fetish driven, one sided sex life that he would not have gotten easily or at all otherwise.

He would had to have found a pretty needle in a hay stack type woman, or met one whom he could have a successful relationship with from the fetish community.

You didn't say no or leave him when most other women would have. Your boundaries weren't healthy. That's how I see him taking advantage.

(You seem to have finally cracked now, after years of having them manipulated, eroded and trampling them).

It's a one sided sex life, he wouldn't have gotten it with someone who hadn't had such a traumatic past and who was going along with it to stay in that relationship.

I don’t think he knows he’s taken advantage. It’s like we’ve both gone along with it and it’s become the norm

Sorry I misread this as "I don't think he's taken advantage..." and answered according to that.

As to whether he knows .. .. who's to say.

He must be aware you were desperate for love and security.

He must be aware, unless he's too far down the rabbit hole and caught up in fetishes, that what he wants is not common among hetero relationships. You mentioned exes probably didn't want to do it.

He must be aware he's doing apparently sweet FA to you/for you.

I suppose some people do think if the other person does something they must want to do it and enjoy doing it. They can't conceive of them not wanting to displease, or disappoint, not being assertive, not having strong boundaries, not wanting to risk their relationship ending if they don't make their partner happy/satisfied. Lacking confidence they'll get into a other one that's as good or better etc.

Seriously? Are you actually accusing @BadNomad of sexual assault? Bizarre.

Eh? Suggesting you widen your horizons is a personal attack?

Unlike you who basically accused a poster of sexually assaulting men.