Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

*in the real world

I fear he’ll get very very angry, he’s a bit like a spoilt toddler or things build up then he flies off the handle. He doesn’t show emotion very easily.

Tbh op, this on top of knowing you've been led/pushed into a completely fetish dominated sex life around his fetish..... I worry you're in an abusive relationship.

To answer the Q about fetishes: the appeal of a woman having sex with a man with a strap on, isn't because she's "like a man". It's because a) it feels good physically for the men and b) it's humiliating and submissive. It's not about simulating a man so much as power roles.

As for common - some people are strictly dominant or strictly submissive, some people make it a 24/7 lifestyle and some only incorporate mild elements and everything in-between. DH and I are switches, which means we can do either role depending on how we feel at the time, but it's not uncommon for someone to be a pure submissive and only want that

Oh for goodness sake. @LemonDrop22 you have completely dominated this thread (ironically) and gone off on a tirade whenever someone has held a different point of view to you, even accusing posters of gaslighting (which completely minimises what ACTUAL gaslighting is, and the victims of it, by the way). Suggesting that they OP is in an abusive relationship because her husband is emotionally immature/conflict avoidant is a step too far, in my opinion.

I also really resent that people on here seem to think they can medically diagnose narcissism because they reads couple of articles on it online 🙄

With that rant out the way…

OP, I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, but I do think that advice that you’ve received to “LTB” before even having a conversation is completely absurd.

It sounds as if you’re processing trauma and doing a deep-dive into how you “got here” (in an unfulfilling marriage and life circumstances that don’t serve you or bring you happiness), and whilst it can be easy to immediately place a lot of blame on our spouse, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to do that when you have taken time to go to therapy to understand yourself, whereas he hasn’t, so is in a totally different place emotionally and mentally in understanding why he has certain kinks, what may have caused them, whether or not they serve him or his relationship positively or negatively, etc and so on.

I personally don’t believe that kinks are rigid and immovable, they are often a response to our childhoods (not always, but often) and/or processing difficult feelings that we’re having in that ‘season’ of our lives and can also be a trauma coping mechanism. This isn’t the case for everyone, but certainly seems that way for the people who I love who have spoken to me about theirs.

You are currently going to therapy and healing through that process, and clearly feel ready to move on from being a domme, but he is stuck emotionally and mentally. You say that you don’t want anyone but him, so my advice is to speak to him about the work that you have been doing and how it has made you feel about your sex life, how he meets your emotional needs (or in this case, doesn’t meet them) and I’d strongly encourage him to go to therapy himself.

You both need to be ‘doing the work’ for this to work, as when one spouse does the work and the other doesn’t, it can leave the one who hasn’t stuck in the same space mentally, whereas the one in therapy grows and develops far and away from the other one. Good luck 💐

Thank you 🙏🏽

OP, I also just wanted to add that you’re clearly doing excellent work in therapy, which is why you have uncovered so much about yourself, so well done to you, I hope you’re bloody proud of yourself and treat yourself to a nice bath/drink/chocolate after each knackering session.

Growth can be bloody painful, but it’s always worth it in the end.

Thank you @Milkandhoneybees I am working hard and journaling my journey.

I am working on soo much stuff.

i feel stronger each day. I know I’ll work through this and really grateful for everyone’s comments and opinions. It’s amazing people are taking their time for a stranger.

Hi, I've read all your responses on the thread but not all the posts. I think he has a paraphilia, it's more than a "kink" and means he can't enjoy sex without the paraphilia involved. Have a Google and see if it fits.

I would suspect he's got some online outlet for it.

It is him not you, you aren't wrong to feel like this. What I didn't understand is sex with someone like this always feels disconnected and lonely. It's all about them and their fetish, not about mutual pleasure.

You aren't wrong to be unsatisfied and you didn't cause this. You have been trying to make the marriage work. But it's like he has an addiction- you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Just read the last couple of pages and I totally agree with lemondrop. He's being sexually coercive, withholding sex if you don't indulge his fetishes and doing things you don't want to do, and that is abuse.
It doesn't matter whether or not it's common. It matters whether or not you want it. You don't, but you take it because its the only option on the table.

Please don't feel there's something wrong with you for not wanting this kind of sex all the time.

❤️❤️ sending you all the very best

Thanks for your enlightening reply It sounds like you and your husband are well suited in regards to S and M!

I still think ops husband is highly unusual in being a man that can only have satisfactory sex with his wife if he fantasises about men? She has said he can only climax if she describes men having sex with him.
I'd feel like a vehicle for my husband's masturbatory fantasies rather than a partner in that situation.

Op I wish you strength with your self awakening. As others have said therapy can be very difficult and painful. Give yourself time to process what's brought up and allow yourself time before making any big decisions.

It's ok to feel conflicted and unsure x

How so?

You can't just go around moaning about comments without any explanation. I'm not sure why someone is so outraged at people suggesting that a man having sexual fantasies and desires for men is gay. They are categorically homosexual fantasies. That's not a moral judgement.

Sex with someone like this always feels disconnected and lonely

That's what I would think and probably sums up Op's feelings. A sex life devoid of intimacy and affection really, with a man who gets lost in his own head, imagining a scenario that's far removed from what is actually happening?

Despite quite angry defensive retorts that the dh isn't gay, he could be. Some men refuse to come out for multiple complex reasons, and live a lie.

What are you talking about. "Some men" are still men, and I have never done anything to anyone without their permission. It's due to women like you that SOME men keep this stuff quiet out of fear of being accused of being gay. I know many.

I really think that your focus needs to be on building a better future for yourself OP, not on trying to work out exactly what is going on with your husband….I don’t think he will ever be able to offer what you need. I think talk to your therapist about this feeling that you only want him to want you, despite the fact that he so clearly can’t be the kind of partner you want. Take good care of yourself and I wish you luck finding your way forward.

I dont think he sounds gay from what youve said. You've been together for 20 years, things in your relationship change in that period.

He either has a low sex drive, has a lower amount of interest in sleeping with you or just has particular sexual desires that don't match your own.

I'd recommend speaking to him about it directly.

It sounds like he's only turned on by his kink, not by you. That's lonely and very different to having a mutual kink that you both enjoy together. He doesn't sound overly fussed by your sexual needs. Feeling undesired is horrible.

I imagine you hoped he saw you in all of this, rather than just being a prop. It sounds like you can't convince yourself that's the case anymore. I don't think you are doing yourself any favours by looking back and thinking it's all down to you because you went along with it. You hoped, maybe thought it was OK to compromise your needs as everything else was alright. It's good that you've realised it doesn't work for you and is doing you harm.

He did provide an environment for you to feel safe enough to grow more confidence and heal a bit from your past. But you've realised you can't heal any further with this relationship the way it is. That's fine, good and healthy. Also painful, but you are continuing to progress and move forwards. That's a good thing.

What an insightful and reasonable post.

I've read the thread and at this point it doesn't seem like it's worth continuing th marriage.
I don't think he's gay. I think he has these kinks that are all about him and you're just the vehicle he gets to go along with it.

As others have said, the most entangled wealthy people have managed to divorce so there is no reason you can't either.

You haven't mentioned any type of connection or caring from him towards you at all in a non sexual way.

We can’t take the hit on running two houses that’s the problem.

I can’t sleep third night in a row I just spend hours awake in the night. Angry. Trying to work and look after kids is hard on little sleep.

H is very good around the house, good with the kids in general. He pulls his weight in that sense. He’ll always get me nice gifts on my birthday or Christmas.

he won’t organise meals out for us, I’ve asked him to but he can organise a weekend away with his siblings and be the proactive one.

important dates are always remembered, he booked us a long weekend away after 10 years of marriage. Etc

big presents on milestone birthdays.

If I want cuddles I can go to him and get them. He won’t push me away. He’s very independent- I genuinely feel if he didn’t get any cuddles he wouldn’t be bothered. He gives the kids lots of love and affection. They adore him, they are always sitting with him.

This may have been the last twenty years of your life but it doesn’t have to be the next twenty. Him being Gay or Bi doesn’t change the fact that this where you are. You need to understand why you’ve accepted a situation that you’ve been unhappy about for so long.

You are not trapped, you have options but you have had adopted a certain mindset for such a long time that it seems impossible to extricate yourself from.

Keep working with your therapist and hopefully with the right support, you will free yourself from the prison of wanting someone to be someone they’re not.

I felt trapped for 10 years for kids and finances. It all worked out, you just cut your cloth. You just can't imagine a new different life yet

Don't pressure yourself to make life decisions now. You can choose to continue therapy and process your feelings for months before you might feel strong enough to make life changes.

Taking your 7 and 11 year-old out of private school is an option should you divorce.
I understand its daunting to contemplate.

Absolutely that would have to to happen but could be detrimental as they’ve thrived. I know it’s a privilege but due to my background it wasn’t one I ever thought I could provide my children. I’m first to go to Uni, my parents are/were illiterate but they really wanted a different life for me. My mum is very intuitive she can see there is something going on she’s noticed it for years. Out of the blue she has said to me you can come ‘home’

That broke my heart to be honest.

As AgentJohnson says, You are not trapped, you have options. Daunting as it may be, you do have power to make changes. And that doesnt need to be separation. Can you tell him any of what youve said here? My sexual situation with my partner was not so extreme (similar timescale though), but I eventually told him how unhappy I was and things have changed for the better. I was so scared I'd be rejected that I held it all in. He had to work on himself too though, which he did. So it's possible if your H is receptive to it.