Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

@LemonDrop22

I agree.

He's aware. We give men too much of a pass in society. He is aware.
No more excuses should be made for this man. I know he's your husband, but no more.

@Mirabai

Stop the derailing and nonsense.

Try helping the op.

You didn’t screw anything up. He took advantage and screwed you up.

@IsHeGay2023

I screwed it al up

You haven’t screwed anything up OP. You’ve both got difficult issues in your backgrounds and you’ve gone along with something for a long time for the sake of security that just doesn’t work for you at all.

The great thing is you’re recognising and talking about it now.

From the poster who just made 13 posts on one page…

He probably doesn’t realise quite how much you hate it. Because he’s not one to go along with stuff sexually that he doesn’t fancy. It’s all about his tastes.

If he was less self-centred he might have figured it out.

I don’t think it’s helpful to keep saying things like “no woman would want this”, “he’s in a minority with his extreme fetish” etc. there’s nothing inherently wrong with the things he’s into, they’re not a moral issue, plenty of hetero couples do some or all of the things mentioned, whether that’s things up the bum, domination, role play, dressing up, dirty talk. We’re not talking about him wanting someone to shit in his mouth while putting crocodile clips on his balls, that’s what I’d call the extreme end of the spectrum!

OP, even if you felt you couldn’t vocalise that you didn’t enjoy this stuff and have an open conversation about it, you said it happened in the first year you were together so I’m struggling with how you went on to marry and have children with someone you were so turned off by. You could’ve ended the relationship without actually saying anything about the sex. I understand you had your boundaries eroded by your childhood experiences and I do understand that, and I’m sorry it happened to you, and it is great you’ve finally found your voice and want to advocate for yourself, but I don’t think it’s fair for others to immediately label him an abuser when he presumably has had no idea of your real feelings since the very beginning of the relationship.

I also think by moralising it could only serve to make the OP feel worse and more ashamed at having participated in this. I’m getting the impression from her posts she feels tainted from it and is making that about the sexual acts themselves, when really they are neutral, and the issue is her self image, the effects of childhood abuse, and the fact she repressed her feelings for so long. OP you have nothing to be ashamed of, but I don’t think the husband does either.

This is no place for you to develop a vendetta against other posters who disagree with you.

Just ..... Stop.

plenty of hetero couples do some or all of the things mentioned

The problem is he makes these things absolutely dominate their sex life, pretty much all the time.

As op, in her words, said they've "made love" ie non fetish sex a tiny number of times.

It is that, alongside the fetishes, that is the issue.

But above it is that it is one sided. It is all about him.

It is not what op wants her sex life to be.

I agree that it is one sided and that’s obviously not right, fulfilling it satisfying for OP, nor should she (or anyone) feel pressured to do things they don’t want to do. I just think we can’t expect him to be a mind reader if she’s never communicated to him that she doesn’t like it, or what she does want. I agree that it is self centred of him never to ask or check in with her, though.

Totally agree. This is a very good post.

It’s not the sexual interests themselves that are the issue, there’s nothing wrong with having special interests sexually as long as everything is fully consensual. The problem is that OP has gone along with, for such a long time, stuff that doesn’t work for her at all. And she actually finds upsetting.

And acknowledging that he has fetishes and makes their sex life all about those fetishes .... Is not shaming in any way.

Making out they're really common is more likely to make op feel like she has to continue to tolerate them. That she might leave him to encounter it again, when the likelihood of that is actually low.

Two things can be true. OP doesn't have to stay with a man she's sexually incompatible with. The guys fetishes also aren't really that out there, at least not in several posters experience including mine.

It's okay to not be into a fetish or not be compatible with someone who has it, the fetish doesn't need to be weird for that.

?? You make accusations, one of which is particularly nasty, & when anyone responds you play the victim and claim a vendetta.

I’m not sure you are helping the OP tbh you seem to just want to promote your own ideas of sexuality. Not responding to you further.

Quite right

Exactly.

And that's fine but if she doesn't tell him how is he even going to know?

We all have different standards. I cringed a bit when I read "made love" for example but OP obviously sees that as the goal, whereas her Hs fetish doesn't seem weird to me in the slightest but to her it is. Both of these stances are FINE but the problem is if she's never told him he can't be expected to just automatically know.

I do get the vibe from a few posts here that people are basically saying anyone into kink is some sort of perverted freak, which is a bit harsh.

No one is saying she has to tolerate it or that she should. She absolutely should speak up about how she’s been feeling. But the key to a healthy relationship - if the OP were to leave and want to seek another relationship in future - is learning to clearly communicate what you want/don’t want, what you enjoy, what you expect from a partner, and to develop the self confidence and boundaries to be able to do this. It isn’t just silently hoping she never meets another man with these desires.

A healthy situation would be having an open discussion about desires and turn-ons when it gets to the sex stage, and making your red lines and turn offs clear. Even if her hypothetical new boyfriend did like pegging and she-male porn, she would tell him loud and clear that she didn’t, and he would either accept it was off the menu or decide to find someone else who did like it. Good, fulfilling, healthy sex is all about communication. My sex life hasn’t been the same with every partner I’ve had, because they weren’t all into the same things. Some of them liked things I wasn’t into and accepted that while they were with me we wouldn’t be doing those things, and it wasn’t an issue. Sometimes I liked something they’d never tried and they were willing to give it a go, only to find out they didn’t like it. Sometimes I found I liked things with a particular person, but not with someone else. I think before OP even thinks about embarking on a new relationship she needs to continue therapy to get to a place where she feels comfortable with her own needs and desires and ability to voice them - she hasn’t managed to have this discussion with her husband yet so it’s a bit premature to be thinking about future partners.

Thanks for the insights. I’m dipping in and out between calls.

Im trying to think where I’ve actually said No. and apart from No to strap ons (which then we stopped) that’s it. I think I will talk through with my counsellor and I will take on board what I’ve learnt here for my next session.

I am very much still wanting to focus on myself. Fill my life so it’s not just him and the kids. I need to be stronger then I can talk through it with him. I fear he’ll get very very angry, he’s a bit like a spoilt toddler or things build up then he flies off the handle. He doesn’t show emotion very easily.

Exactly this

Anyone into kink (anyone reputable anyway) will stress the importance of clear boundaries, expectations, and safe words to be able to stop if one of you becomes uncomfortable. I feel like these are really useful things even for vanilla folks because so many issues seem to stem from sexual incompatibility or miscommunication that no one ever talks about.

OP, if I were you - I'd make a yes no maybe list. Basically write all the things you definitely want out of your sex life on the yes side, write the things you definitely do not want on the no (hard limits) and put things you're curious about or unsure but willing to give a go on the maybe.

I don't think you have 'screwed it all up'. He's the one who did that, who took your power away. It sounds to me as if he 'seduced' you into the sexual relationship he wanted instead of sitting you down before you became truly emotionally involved and discussing his kinks and allowing you to make a more, shall we say, rational decision. If he had, you might very well have said 'No, that's not for me' and ended the relationship. I know I would have. Instead he hid the real reason for his ED and let you think, as a 'good partner', that you needed to 'do it his way' so he could get off. Did he repay you in kind with the loving and tender sex you needed? No. Or at least not enough that you felt it was a 'fair deal'. Instead, he's made you feel as if you are responsible for keeping him 'satisfied' to the neglect of your own well being. And to make you feel guilty if you resent it.

Discuss it with your therapist, but at this point I think you need to STOP talking to him about his kinks and your desires, and that any physical contact is off the table, for now. All it's going to do is confuse you and allow him to gaslight you or play on your emotions. Instead, I think you need to concentrate (with your therapist) on truly understanding that you have an absolute right to what YOU need physically and emotionally. And that you also have an absolute right NOT to do anything that does not leave you feeling loved and respected. That you are NOT responsible for his satisfaction at the expense of your well being. That sex in the context of a relationship is not a 'transaction'. It's not 'you must do this first and then I'll do that'. It is supposed to be a joyous and unselfish coming together in mutual love and respect. And that is NOT what you have.

I also think it wouldn't hurt for you to see a divorce solicitor. Not to start anything. But you say things are 'too entwined' to divorce. Unless and until you have laid your finances (or whatever it is that makes you say that) on the table and allowed a solicitor to advise you as to exactly how you would be able to 'dis-entwine' and what you might end up with, can you truly say that. I think it's fear that is holding you back. At the very least, you will then be making a decision in knowledge and not out of fear.

You've lived with this shit far too long and I think he's done a great deal to make you feel you need to cater to his kinks. You don't. And he'll never make you feel loved and valued, physically, in the way you want to feel.

His anger is not your responsibility any more than his sexual tastes are. You’re not the cause of it, it’s the situation.

If he gets very angry you can say - I can see this stuff is emotive for you so I will give you some space to process it - walk away and discuss it when he’s calmer.

I think you are martyring yourself quite a bit. You can both go to a couples counsellor or psychosexual counsellor and work this all out instead of losing sleep over it. It does seem massively OTT as I read your thread that you seem avoidant in discussing with him but will happily be lead down any road your therapist chooses. A problem for sure but you both solve it together.

TedMulllins you’ve given some excellent advice about boundaries and op expressing her needs.

However…

im not going to pretend I have much experience of fetishes.
For those that have, surely it’s not common for a man to only want sex with a woman if she is essentially pretending to be a man, ideally with a cock? A man that can only get aroused if he’s told stories about men screwing him and ejaculating on him?
A man who doesn’t get aroused by the thought of sex with a woman?

I can’t see how that would ever be satisfying unless you were a woman who only got turned on by the idea of men having sex.

The guys fetishes also aren't really that out there, at least not in several posters experience including mine.

They're not out, there but they're not common.

Op can find a partner without this fetish of she leaves him.

Also these threads tend to have a confirmation bias in terms of who answers them.

MN has a very vocal kink/fetish contingent and a contingent with views on sexuality that can be so "woke" as to verge on gas lighting at times.

So the proportion of posters on here arguing sonething is common may not be reflected on the real world.