Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

It’s really not how he’s wired not after all these years. Even if he changed for someone else - I’m in that place now.

Im not even sure what I want. I just want to be loved and desired, I just haven’t valued myself enough. I know I am attractive, I know other men would want me but I don’t want other men. I want him to love me. Oh I need to focus today so will take a break now guys. I am all puffy eyed and about to go on a video call. I look like I’ve been crying a lot even with make up. Terrible.

Oh I totally agree, OP isn't comfortable with the sex she's having and that's not fair at all.

I just focused on the "is he gay" and I know men with the kink and have seen it spoken about alot so I do think it just sounds like a degradation kink. I would take a guess that he would also want her to tell him how much bigger and better the other man is.

You're on to cuckold fetish.

Unless I've missed it op has not said her h has a cuckold fetish.

That would be about another man fucking her, whereas he is fantasizing during sex (and has op talking through the fantasy during sex) of him being fucked by a man. Not her.

So, unless Ive missed something, he doesn't have a cuckold fetish.

Personally op I think he's using you as a substitute for having submissive gay sex.

He had turned your sex life into a shit show.

There are very very few women who would be happy with it

You want him to love you ... Maybe he does (as much as he is capable of loving someone) but you also want him to have a sex life with you that is more average for hetero couples ..... And he can't/won't. Because he is wired this way sexually.

As I said I don't know if it's gatmy, bi, or fairly extreme fetish for submission& degradation of some combo.

But the bottom line is that is who he is, that is how he is wired and him loving you or not, doesn't change that.

He is what he is and he (highly likely) will never change.

What I think is more important is not him loving you, but whether you love him as he is and whether you are happy. You love him but not entirely as he is (and very few women would), you naturally wish he didn't have this significant sexual fetish which dominates, no pun intended,your sex life, and excludes a more normal, average hetero sex life.

So (no criticism of you) you don't actually love him as he is.... Nor would many women.

Are you happy with him .... Apparently not entirely, due to his sexual fetish/es ..... And again, that's entirely understandable.

You are not at fault here. And it's not about your loveability.

He is what he is. He cannot change. He cannot change even out of love for you.

Personally I think you need to leave him to his fetishes, recover, and find a more average/typucal heterosexual relationship.

You've wasted enough of your life in this fucked up situation.

And I think your background is what had led you to tolerate it, rather than leave long before now.

I generally agree that if they're sexually incompatible, you either accept it as it is or leave, but I don't think pegging and domination/submission are that out there for hetero couples. Some of the posts here are acting like its the weirdest thing ever.

Don't fall for the trap of familiarity, habit etc or the trap of sunken costs.

Familiarity, emotional intimacy, history, habit can and will be built with someone else.

Someone else you could be having a more normal sex life with.

You've been with him since quite young, I think.

I've had probably an above average no. of sexual partners (I'm hetero) and I have quite honestly never encountered anything even remotely verging on any of this shit. Most hetero men would not, in a month of Sundays, be suggesting you do the sort of shit he does. In fact most I have experience of would be appalled and deeply turned off.

Pegging and submission are not that common outside of fetlife circles ime.

But anyway it's the narrative, involving him being fucked by men, during the submission that I find most significant.

Honesty this thread is like a much more extreme and serious version of the piss take scene in one of those spoof moved with the guy who's pretending he's not gay (to himself as well as everyone else) getting his girlfriend to dress up in American football clothes and even helmet for foreplay and sex, and act out bro stuff.

There's a line on a forum I frequent they regularly use that comes to mind; "Tell me you're gay without telling me you're gay".

*spoof movies

I mean I've pegged and dominated men, including DH, but then we're openly into (monogamous) kink so perhaps it's not that common. I honestly thought it was one of the tamer fetishes, barely above handcuffs and back ticklers but I could be wrong.

I think she clarified later he thinks about men fucking his wife and cumming on him which to me sounds like it's about being degraded rather than being gay.

But if OP isn't about that life and isn't into domination and submission then I agree she needs to either decide if she can live with it or just leave, because it's just how some people are.

I think she clarified later he thinks about men fucking his wife and cumming on him which to me sounds like it's about being degraded rather than being gay.

If that is what op has said then very possibly, but then I'm v confused about this statement;

he likes me to talk about other men taking him

So he doesn't actually get op to talk about men "taking" him, only about fucking her and then ejaculating on him?

Ejaculating on after fucking someone else is a very strange interpretation of "taking".

*Ejaculating on him after fucking someone else is a very strange interpretation of "taking".

Sounds like you really need to speak to hubby about 'aftercare'. No matter what type of sex you have, not having proper aftercare will leave you feeling drained and lonely. Even if your dom, doesn't mean you don't need love and caring. Sending you love and hoping you will find a way through x

but then we're openly into (monogamous) kink so perhaps it's not that common

Yeah, I'd say so ime.

I can't think of one sexual partner I've have who - if I suggested pegging them (which I wouldn't anyway but just for the sake of discussion) wouldn't run like Usain Bolt in the other direction.

@LemonDrop22 this is the post I saw, which is why I think it's cuckolding and submission rather than him being gay

But op doesn't want to be a dominant with a severely sexually submissive male partner.

So aftercare is not the issue. It's like saying to someone who doesn't want to gave anal sex 99 er cent of the time but who's partner is insisting on it that they should do an enens or use a butt plug or use savlon after.

You're completely missing the point.

The sex life he's dragged her into and wants 99 per cent of the time is the issue.

He's not got her full consent and enjoyment, dar from it. She wants to have a more typical, non fetish sex life.

Fair enough, I really didn't think it was that unusual but there you go. Running like Usain Bolt 🤣

"it might be" (while op gives an example of his fantasies) doesn't exclude what op says earlier in the thread about one of his fantasiss/one of the narratives he gets her to go along with.

@AMorningstar

I generally agree that if they're sexually incompatible, you either accept it as it is or leave, but I don't think pegging and domination/submission are that out there for hetero couples. Some of the posts here are acting like its the weirdest thing ever.

It all seems to me quite mainstream as kinks go.

*whose, not who's

Male submission and pegging is not mainstream.

Doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of other men you haven’t met who like anal stimulation due to their gspot, whatever the size of the object.

And men who are bi, straight turned gay/bi, gay turned straight/bi etc.

I thought so. Its one of the more well known or normal kinks isn't it?! There's far far weirder than pegging.