Page 9 | Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

Kardelen · 2022-10-31T08:25:57+00:00

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries. Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work. so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in. he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save. when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved. am I being unreasonable?

Ragwort · 31/10/2022 11:42

Why are you still with him?

He is clearly a loser and mean with his money ... and I assume he is unlikely to be sharing the chores at your DP's home and normal parenting duties.

Tell him to leave, you have a home with your DPs so you will not be homeless and pursue him for CM ... just stop being so enmeshed in his and his family's life .. it will never get better..

BadNomad · 31/10/2022 11:44

Let him go live with his mother. See how far £200 gets him there.

Original poster

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:44

I just feel so overwhelmed at this point. He said how his mother is helpless and how I don’t care or understand. And that I said it’s unfair for my dad to be paying for bills, means I might bring stuff up in the future if we do get a property together.

OP posts:

MakingNBaking · 31/10/2022 11:48

I think I would firstly move all my savings into my parents name (and write a letter to my parents explaining that this is my share of housekeeping back paid).
Then I'd send my 'd'h home to live with what he sees as his real family. Swiftly followed by divorce proceedings. And CMS letter.
You will always play second fiddle to the mother and siblings. And in turn, your children will play third and fourth fiddle. And through all this, your parents are being disrespected and, let's face it, financially abused by your dh.
Protect your savings, lose the twat and live a peaceful three-generation life with your parents.

PollyAmour · 31/10/2022 11:50

Let this dismal prick go and live with his mum. She sounds like she needs a kick up the arse too. Lots of people would love to stay at home all day and be given spending money, but life's not like that. If she's been found fit to work, then her children need to withdraw financial support, and invest their time in helping her get back to work.

MakingNBaking · 31/10/2022 11:50

You've married into a rotten family. Shame on your mil, and shame on the siblings. Get out with what you can, as soon as you can cos some things never change.

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 11:53

MakingNBaking · 31/10/2022 11:48

I think I would firstly move all my savings into my parents name (and write a letter to my parents explaining that this is my share of housekeeping back paid).
Then I'd send my 'd'h home to live with what he sees as his real family. Swiftly followed by divorce proceedings. And CMS letter.
You will always play second fiddle to the mother and siblings. And in turn, your children will play third and fourth fiddle. And through all this, your parents are being disrespected and, let's face it, financially abused by your dh.
Protect your savings, lose the twat and live a peaceful three-generation life with your parents.

This is excellent advice OP.
You'd be foolish not to listen to it.

He. Won't. Change.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 11:56

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:44

I just feel so overwhelmed at this point. He said how his mother is helpless and how I don’t care or understand. And that I said it’s unfair for my dad to be paying for bills, means I might bring stuff up in the future if we do get a property together.

Say "no I don't care about your mother because she's young enough to get herself a job and fund her own lifestyle. I, on the other hand, am pregnant with your child, working to support our family, and am being expect to let my elderly parents pay for our childrens upbringings while you support your lazy mom"

SafferUpNorth · 31/10/2022 11:57

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:44

I just feel so overwhelmed at this point. He said how his mother is helpless and how I don’t care or understand. And that I said it’s unfair for my dad to be paying for bills, means I might bring stuff up in the future if we do get a property together.

OP... yes, it's overwhelming. You have been gaslit by your DH and family. You and your children are not his priority - that will never change. Plus there are cultural issues here which I think are so ingrained as to be insurmountable.

For the sake of your kids, you need to get a grip fast and be rid of this cocklodger. PLEASE tell your parents EVERYTHING so that they can support you.

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 31/10/2022 11:59

Do your parents own their own home OP?

If so you need to kick this cocklodging bastard out before anything happens to them and you inherit.

He will be entitled to half of it.

Just think on that for a second......All his family living free courtesy of your parents,

Why are you not raging angry at your situation?

Beefcurtains79 · 31/10/2022 12:00

This can’t be real. What’s wrong with you? What an utter doormat you sound, are you this desperate for a man? Your poor parents and children! He’s taking food out of their mouths to give to his own mum and his working siblings! I’m agog.

Limer · 31/10/2022 12:05

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:44

I just feel so overwhelmed at this point. He said how his mother is helpless and how I don’t care or understand. And that I said it’s unfair for my dad to be paying for bills, means I might bring stuff up in the future if we do get a property together.

Just cut your losses now. Kick him out, make a CMS claim and start divorce proceedings. Otherwise you'll be subsidising him and his freeloading mother for ever.

He withdrew the joint money to frighten you, to scare you into not questioning him. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about his children's welfare.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 31/10/2022 12:11

My husband is from another country. All the time we were married he told me that as his father was dead he was regarded the head of the family and they sent regular begging letters for money for help with bills and weddings and anything else they could think of.
He sent money from our savings and at first I was as keen as he to do the right thing.
We both worked and saved for our future. Even when we had children he still sent money back home for school books and for his siters to go to Mecca.
We paid for his brother's wedding. The girl he married was from a very poor family and so we paid for all the outfits thy both wore and the wedding itself.
When his brother was ill and needed a lifesaving operation we paid for a surgeon to be flown in from South Africa and paid for the operation.
No word of thanks for any of it ever.
Then part of the roof and the kitchen were damaged badly in a hurricane.
We paid for the building work.
We paid his mother's hospital bill and for her funeral
Then it got silly with people asking for motorbikes and leather jackets.
I had had enough by now. I wanted home improvements and my husband said we could not afford it.
In the end my husband of nearly thirty years took a one way ticket home and never returned. He had already transferred all of our money from savings and investments into accounts overseas.

No maintenance for our children. No monetary help of any kind.
The day he left was one of the best in my life. There were other things going on which I won't mention as it is in a memory bank I do not like to open.
Suffice to say we were never his family and it was always in his plan to return back home.
Now when he has spent everything he complains to my children that he is broke and his family are greedy grabbing horrible people.

OP do not let this be you

simplyme83 · 31/10/2022 12:13

i'm not sure this post is real. esp since you are not taking note of anyones advice, and just repeatedly saying the same stuff. but if it is real- just tell him to go back to his mums. be easier financially and emotionally if he wasnt there.

Mummyofmaniacs · 31/10/2022 12:14

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 11:53

This is excellent advice OP.
You'd be foolish not to listen to it.

He. Won't. Change.

Show quote history

The best advice on here. Its up to you if you take it, but if you don't, you know you will regret it later

Blueberrycreampie · 31/10/2022 12:16

I honestly don't know why you're even questioning this set up. His priority is not and never will be you. I'm sorry but he won't change. Just kick him out now and get on with the rest of your life and enjoy your baby. You'll be better off!

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 12:18

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:44

I just feel so overwhelmed at this point. He said how his mother is helpless and how I don’t care or understand. And that I said it’s unfair for my dad to be paying for bills, means I might bring stuff up in the future if we do get a property together.

OP I am trying hard not to lose patience with you in case you are for real.

Why are you still deluding yourself that you are going to be buying a property with this loser? He has just told you he does not want to & is not going to.

He has also removed half the money from the savings account, I have a feeling this is YOUR savings. The money you earned & saved while he spaffed his away.
When are you going to get angry & start acting for yourself, your DC & your parents ... & stop enabling this miserly man?

If you stay with him, how do you see your life panning out?
Even if you finally saved enough (I doubt you will, because he is financially crippling you) to drag him with you when you buy a property, what will you do when he refuses to pay the mortgage? Refuses to pay the bills? The childcare fees? You realise you would have shackled yourself to him because he would own half your house, yes?

Why are you still contemplating this madness?

SwaffhamCurious · 31/10/2022 12:20

This is a total mess. His feelings aren’t facts. He can feel self-righteous and entitled and aggrieved til the cows come home, but those feelings of his don’t mean your parents have any obligation to subsidise him (and his siblings & mother).

If he feels his first and only loyalty is to his mother, and he’d rather his wife and children lived in insecure rented accommodation their entire lives than deprive his mother of spending money, then staying with this man is going to create a world of pain for you and your kids. It will ruin your life.

No matter how many conversations you have with him, he will not see it your way. He can’t - he has been groomed by his family of origin and is terrified of disappointing his mother. You can’t save him from this but you can save yourself and your kids. Transfer your savings to your parents. Kick him out. Divorce the shit out of him. Do not let him have shared custody, or you’ll get his awful family making your kids feel as crazy as he’s made you feel.

Blueberrycreampie · 31/10/2022 12:23

Oh and before you kick him out, make sure you take all the money plus interest you've put in. Otherwise he may take the lot and hive it to his precious mother!

emptythelitterbox · 31/10/2022 12:30

He sounds terrible!

How much has he actually saved anything for a house?

He seems very much like his mother. Selfish and entitled.

You'd be much better off without this anchor dragging you down.

Blueberrycreampie · 31/10/2022 12:30

Do you have any other family members who can support you in getting rid of him. You are coming across as quite vulnerable and don't seem to be heeding the advice on here. You have nothing to gain from continuing with this relationship, please do allow yourself to move on. Maybe in time you can buy a property and your parents can live with you and support you financially since they will no longer be paying rent?

bewarethetides · 31/10/2022 12:39

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:19

I spoke to him about contributing to bills etc. now he said he doesn’t want to save for a property anymore. And will take all his money from the joint account to his. And no point saving for one we can rent out all our lives.

It's not his money to take; it's family money.

Get a good solicitor and get him out; send him to his mother's. File for CMS, that will be more than the ridiculous amount he offered you, especially in comparison to the money he's giving his mother who should be working. Like you!

MoriaRoseForever · 31/10/2022 12:44

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 09:57

Do you think it’s because he thinks as he’s earning it he can do whatever with it?
this thought also makes me think and makes me think like I can’t tell him not to etc. but just feels like he’s being mugged off to pay their bills, and we are being mugged off here to pay our bills. Bills he is supposed to be paying too

He isn't being mugged off, you are.

Sounds like you think he is the one being taken advantage of . He isn't . He is taking the piss and you and the children are bottom of his priorities.
I presume the children are his ? So his financial responsibility.

Of course he should use his money, and not just £50, to support the family (you, him and children) when you are on maternity leave.
You are taking a pay cut to look after his child, not just yours.

He will drain your savings, probably got his eye on any money your parents leave, and you will keep subsiding him and his mother and siblings.

Leave now or just keep living this life of no respect.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/10/2022 12:49

DO NOT GET A PROPERTY with this loser. He will bleed you dry.

How dare he think it's fine to live under your parents' roof and not contribute a penny?

I'm really sorry you have children with this deadbeat. You're tied to him and his family forever now.

I really think divorce is your best option as then you can get child maintenance and access properly sorted out. He's just using you and your family at the moment.

dreamingofsun · 31/10/2022 12:54

wow. sorry read 4 pages. i think you need to think carefully about what you want and then if you get flustered explaining it/he gets grumpy write it down and send it to him. keep it simple. keep in mind that you may not have a LT future with him and you need to protect your money for you and your children.