Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

[Kardelen]

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

So he won’t even pay for his own children but will pay for his work shy lazy and nasty mother?
Send him back to her and tell him you will take him to court for maintenance

Because they’ll be paying their own bills/mortgage etc. so assuming the amount they pay will reduce, and they’ll have to distribute it again some how.

im just fed up. Surely I should be able to talk to him without him getting annoyed about our finances?

Oh, and please take care of yourself emotionally at this time. You are vulnerable due to pregnancy etc.

You haven't said much about his behaviour otherwise, but be prepared for him to react badly when you assert yourself. Watch your safety and that of your children. He seems like a guy for whom honour and status matter above respect and care, and sometimes these situations end in tragedy.
Not trying to scare you, but appearances mean everything to this guy and if he's seen as unable to manage his own family, he may react explosively.

So your elderly parents who don't even own a home are subsidising you and this waster🙄

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable that you need it explained to you how wrong this is.

Your poor parents.

as he is earning the money he gives his mum, I won’t be reasonable to say not to give it right? As I think he thinks this way.

You keep saying this. He is WRONG to think this way and you need to tell him. Whose money is he currently living off? Not his - yours. Plus your parents' goodwill. He's a class A cocklodger.

Unfortunately the baby was unplanned, and did happen because of failed contraception.

FFS sort your contraception out after this one - two babies is plenty with a father like he is.

I suspected there was more to this, so went back and read your previous threads. OP, are you happy for this to be your life? Decades of taking nonsense from this awful man and his family, leeching off your parents until they die, setting a bizarre and terrible standard for your children? Is this your plan?

You should sit with him and go through your finances, your outgoings and what you want to save. Then you each get spending money to do as you wish. He can use that to pay his mum.

Why are you with him? Tell him to leave.

Grow a backbone and some self respect.

You do realise that woman ( MIL) could live for another 40 years, don't you? How could you possibly set a good example to your children by being a doormat to your husband and his lazy mother?
Your parents deserve better than for you to collude in his financial abuse of them.
Pack him off to his Mum’s. Ignore his calls for a while, spend some e time organising your priorities without his insidious coercion clouding your judgement. You owe it to yourself, your children and your parents. You owe his mother nothing, you owe him nothing.

The siblings at home should be paying their mother rent to live in her home. She should have tons of money then.

Your husband should not be paying her anything as he does not live there. He is financially abusing you. Tell him to move back in with her and claim child maintenance. You’d probably get more than you do now anyway. This is no relationship!

DO NOT buy property together. Buy something in your own name if you have to.

Do you have your own finances and you each pay your own expenses and contribute to joint expenses.

There seem to be a lot of people angry that he isn't a traditionalist who pays for everything for his wife. So many on the fainting couch here over a woman contributing financially and not being taken care of by her husband. Aren't we past the men = financial provider and woman = childcare and domestic work?

If your finances are separate, then he can spend his extra as he seems fit. Many people help out their parents. It sounds like you give time to your parents to help them - that is time away for him and your family. Should he begrudge you for it?

This relationship sounds like a mess but the issue isn't that he isn't being a 'real man' by not being the provider for his family and for letting his wife contribute money towards expenses.

Sorry you are married. Half your savings will be now his anyway.

It reads to me as if your husband is using both you and your parents and does not consider you to be 'family'.
His family is with his mother.
It will never change and probably only get worse.
What will his family do when the really bad bills start coming in for energy?

You and your parents will be paying that.
Your man is a cocklodger and he does not care for you at all.
Kick the bugger out.

Yup proposed to him to contribute to bills now. Messaged him, because feel like I can’t talk face to face as we both get upset/triggered. And also said he will need to help me when I am on mat leave. He said like last time- but I said last time we halved as I wasn’t struggling. But this time as I am PT mat leave income will be even lower

Why post here (multiple times) if you’re not going to listen to what anyone is saying to you?

I am sorry to sound harsh but why on earth are you having another baby bearing in mind your current circumstances? How do you see things panning out in the future for your family.

he's be gone out of my parents house immediately tbh he can move back in with his mum! sounds like you'd be in much better position without him

That's not what's happening here. The husband is not contributing enough to the family finances, to the point the OP is having to look at dipping into her savings, to slow him to continue giving more money to his mother than he contributes to his own family.

Yes, if there's genuine money left over he can do what he likes with it. But given they live in her parents rented accommodation, he could have been saving that £200 a month to put a deposit down on a house instead.

He shouldn't be 'helping' you - it's his responsibility and duty to contribute to the family costs!
Has your MIL ever worked? If not I can kind of understand why she's reluctant to start now, but she can't rely on her children to support her. Where's FIL?

But you are married.

All this my money your money should have stopped when you married

It is your (plural) money

I would be getting rid of your savings out of your name. Pay it as rent to your parents who can open up a savings account to put it in.
Then go for divorce.

I get the impression he thinks if he pays his keep to cover his food and personal bills and if he gives you a little bit to cover child related stuff then his conscience and income is clear to do what he wants with his money

I think this is a case of him not wanting to hear the financial reality of the situation he is in and he is choosing to ignore the reason you live with your parents
Has he ever sat down and looked at the list of bills you have each month. Looked at the list of bills you would have if you bought a house together.

He can’t afford to pay his mother £200 per month. But if he chooses to then he can’t afford to live with you.

I would get rid now. He isn’t going to change and the bills will start to get more and more extortionate.
If she ever goes into care do you think she would take the council care home or demand and cry that she wants the £2000 per week one. Paid for by her children

You have savings because you WORKED from a young age.
So, according to yoru husband, only YOU get to decide what to do with those savings, because you earned them.

The fact of you having some money saved has nothing to do with the fact that he needs to be paying his own bills & child costs.

Are you seeing the pattern yet OP?
His money is HIS. Your parents' money is his (he allows them to pay his bills & food ffs!) Your money is his - he wants you to deplete your savings so he doesn;t need to contribute to his own & his DC's costs.

OP Are you actually reading the responses or are you a troll because you do not appear to understand, while at the same time encouraging responses. Baffled !

Hi again OP. I've gone back and read some of your previous threads regarding your MIL and attitude of your DH. I can see they're Bengali and you're English, so there is clearly an insurmountable cultural issue here.

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas post above is spot-on when they say "It reads to me as if your husband is using both you and your parents and does not consider you to be 'family'. His family is with his mother. It will never change and probably only get worse."

The best thing you can do for your children and yourself is to get him out of your life ASAP. Tell your parents everything - I'm sure they'll support you. He is currently a lodger in their house, so they can simply kick him out. Divorce him ASAP. You know you cannot live your life like this.