Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

[Kardelen]

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

You need to dump this guy, I don't know if it is a cultural thing, but he is putting his lazy mum above you and his own kids. Why can she not get a job like everybody else? Where is her husband? So many red flags here.

Suggest he stays at home with the baby (after mat leave), and you give him £50 / mth (or his Mum can give it him... obv she'd have to go back to work).

Why does he think your Dad should work to give you money to live on, but his Mum shouldn't work at all?

Wow! If this is real because I’ll be honest I can’t believe it make sure by the end of the day every belonging of his in YOUR parents home is out in the front garden or even better the street. No mother and wife should be treated like that, you’ll be better off on your own or better yet finding a real man who can support you more

I can't believe any woman is this naive 🙄
The next thread will be 'my parents have died and he's taken half of my inheritance and ran back to his mum'

If I could get a load of mugs to subsidise my lazy lifestyle then I think I too could feign 'helplessness'.

Keep him. Buy a house that you have worked hard for. Eventually wake up to this fool. Have to sell the house when you divorce to give him his share.

Wake up now. Kick him back to his precious mummy. Divorce him. Save up and buy your house. Thus providing a stable environment for the dc’s.

Do this whilst you are part time. Doing it after you go full time you also risk having to give him a financial settlement.

This is absolutely stellar advice! You really should do all of this.

Sadly, I think you're just going to stay with him and he is going to continue to sponge off you and your parents 🫤 it's them I feel sorry for, effectively, your parents are paying for your MIL not to work.

Is this really what you want for your children? They could turn out just like him. He’s very domineering. He will take your savings and drag you down. The longer you stay married, the more likelihood of him being able to do this.

To put this into context, if you split and presuming he is paid £9.50 for 35 hours a week, he would be liable to pay you just under £230 a month for 2 children, presuming no overnights with him. IE you’d probably be better off without him once you factored in the benefits you will be entitled to.

It seems a lot would be resolved if his lazy mum who isn't entitled to benefits got off her backside and got a job rather than expecting her children to pay her expenses, depriving her own grandchildren of income that could be spent on them. Isn't she even embarrassed about that? Does the woman have any shame?

Just take small steps .... Read what everyone has written. Try not to take it personally. You have the support on here. Human beings are amazing creatures and we are strong, look at all the women across the globe that suffer unnecessarily. You have an opportunity to make a change in your life for you and your children. Be open with you're parents, they are your parents... they are your structure .... be strong. They will understand.... they want to make sure your ok....Take a few steps back and breathe ...let go of this person. Its hard, but your children need to be protected and have the best opportunity in life and they need a happy mummy.... 😊 everything happens for a reason... you can heal from all of this .... have a plan and each week you should check in on mumsnet, we will all be here .

He's taking the piss and your letting him. He's also wronging your parents while his family live it up. Tell him to start paying £200 for your parents explain the situation to them and if they don't want the money suggest they save it for your children's future home as your oh doesn't save.
If he doesn't like it he's proved he's a user and can go live with his family....who are also taking the piss unless he's lying about what they all pay.

He said as my parents are pensioners they get money coming in and it’s their choice to pay or not. Whereas with his mum, he’s saying she has no income so he needs to pay her. He said, when she gets to pension age he won’t pay her as she will have money coming in.
He said it’s his money and he decides what to do with it.

it’s been a really tough day for me. Fighting with messages. being pregnant doesn’t help either with all these emotions.

This man contributes nothing and when you rightly challenge him he says he will live at his mum’s. I’d send him packing to his mum’s, he won’t be much of loss.

Finish with him op. You can’t live with someone like that. You’re better off without him. He doesn’t care about your or your children’s well-being and is willing to leave you and go back to his mother’s if you don’t agree with him??

If that's the case then I suggest you do your parents a favour and move out. Let him pay for your rent money. But do it politely. It's shameful that your parents are paying for someone else's son to live at their house whilst he's paying for his own family. You can help with your parents appointment's etc even after moving out. You don't have to live with them.

Also stop sharing your savings with him. He needs to grow up and be a man and provide for his family i.e you and your kids. Do everything politely. Avoid arguments since you're pregnant. I suggest you complain to him about lack of space in your parents house and say you need to rent. Once you start renting then you can save. Because at this rate you'll be sponging off your parents pensions/benefits whatever and he'll be happy giving money to his mother.

If he's withdrawn his savings from the joint account then that's fine. It's scare tactics. Please move out and start renting. He needs to be taught a lesson. Otherwise you'll be forking out for everything till the day you die and so will your parents.

Why do you think this cocklodger would put his hand in his pocket to pay rent with OP?

More importantly - why on EARTH are you encouraging OP to leave the security of her home with her parents? She needs to ditch Mr Tightwad, stay with her folks, save like crazy, & buy her own home one day. Belonging solely to herself & her DC.

He's sponging off pensioners?

Why are you fighting with messages - are they not what you wanted to hear? Everyone on this thread is looking out for you and can see that you need to get rid! Sorry but it's true!

Your parents worked for their pensions, paying their NI and putting into pension schemes. They didn't do that to support your MIL.
There is another thread running on MN at the moment, it's title is something like 50/50 only the house or something. The OP's situation on that thread is nothing like your own, but as the thread develops, you can read some of the stories of women who have been financially abused at the hands of partners and husbands, living on pennies, losing everything, never recovering to a decent standard of living. I couldn't face putting my own mum's story on there but I well remember her desperation to make ends meet whilst he was playing the big 'I am' in front of his family.
I say again, protect your savings, divorce your husband and get child maintenance in place, and treasure your relationship with your loving parents. Who will probably sigh in relief at your decision.

Your poor parents.

What must they think, you bringing this loser into their lives and him now living off them as they try and support you?

God help them.

I could no more have ever seen my parents, pensioners, who don't even own their own home, used in this way.

Quite shameful.🙄

This is one of the most awful things I’ve read in a long time. Your elderly parents are letting you live with them practically free to help you. Your freeloading husband is giving money to his mother so she doesn’t have to go out to work - tell him he has to leave. He’s a bully who will always put his mother and family first - he’s disgusting.

Are you OK? Stay strong . Just think about what everyone has suggested . Life can be overwhelming... but you have got. Don't loose faith. Lovely people care on here ❤️ have a good evening. Listen to some music , make some good food , watch a good movie, remember love yourself. Your parents love you very much you got good family around you. Remember life is not a dress rehearsal this is it. There is nothing wrong with being emotional just go with it... you will make the right decision. That is why put the thread up ...

I'm 56 and work full time!
I can't believe this thread.
Let him go to his parents.
If you are married then just bloody divorce him. Be better on your own and then you could get some child support.
One of the oddest threads I've read on here.

Your MIL is like a lot of people on benefits... they just don't want to work. Not everyone on benefits falls in this category, however a good number do.

My friend works for DWP as a work coach and sees people on UC... she said it's so obvious the ones that don't want to work..they're absolutely not interested in getting a job.

She hears excuse after excuse for why they won't attend job interviews.