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Original poster

Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

293 replies

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 08:25

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 31/10/2022 11:03

How much does he earn? Have you calculated how much he would have to pay you in CM if you separated and kicked him out?

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:04

That’s true, that’s what I say to him when he says I have money too. I worked and worked very hard for it…

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 31/10/2022 11:05

You need to put a stop to this or tell him to leave as it will just get worse with her demanding more and more.
this is all kinds of weird and it seems you, your dc, and future baby are the bottom of his priorities. It’s completely bizarre and just not on.
His mum just doesn’t want to work but is perfectly capable of working. Damn if we could all just decide that what would happen! Get your DH to stop giving her that money right away and to focus it on his wife and children and your future. The lazy MIL needs to start working. Just an insanely odd situation.

RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 11:06

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 31/10/2022 11:02

OP Are you actually reading the responses or are you a troll because you do not appear to understand, while at the same time encouraging responses. Baffled !

I’m wondering this.

TippyToesKnows · 31/10/2022 11:08

My DH used to be exactly like this. Their family all paid for each other which was fine and good but nothing was coming into "our" family. It was like he saw them as his "real" family rather than us.

Ultimately I think it's a not having properly grown up thing. And some entitlement from his family.

But after many many arguments - it was v rocky for a while - things did improve hugely. He now sees WE are his priority financially. If your DH can't see that, I'd seriously consider if you see a future with him.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 11:08

There seem to be a lot of people angry that he isn't a traditionalist who pays for everything for his wife.
Nonsense. He isn't paying his OWN costs. OP is paying hers.

So many on the fainting couch here over a woman contributing financially and not being taken care of by her husband.
OP is contributing financially. Where do you get the notion that she is not?

Aren't we past the men = financial provider and woman = childcare and domestic work?
Have you not read the thread @musingsinmidlife ? OP works! Her H doesn't even pay toward household bills, won't pay toward childcare, thinks all his money belongs to him, & OP should live off her savings when she is on maternity leave.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 31/10/2022 11:09

But she's not even reading is she? She sticks with a narrative like a record going round and round and round......................

xPeaceX · 31/10/2022 11:12

I don't see the point talking to him. He is comfortable with a situation where he contributes to his mother having 600 pm spending money but he wants you to be content with 50?

There is nothing more to be said. And your parents RENT? And they're elderly!
That makes him even more of a cocklodger.

Arayes · 31/10/2022 11:13

musingsinmidlife · 31/10/2022 10:54

Do you have your own finances and you each pay your own expenses and contribute to joint expenses.

There seem to be a lot of people angry that he isn't a traditionalist who pays for everything for his wife. So many on the fainting couch here over a woman contributing financially and not being taken care of by her husband. Aren't we past the men = financial provider and woman = childcare and domestic work?

If your finances are separate, then he can spend his extra as he seems fit. Many people help out their parents. It sounds like you give time to your parents to help them - that is time away for him and your family. Should he begrudge you for it?

This relationship sounds like a mess but the issue isn't that he isn't being a 'real man' by not being the provider for his family and for letting his wife contribute money towards expenses.

How high do you have to be for this to be yor take? Put down the crack pipe lady.

Kennykenkencat · 31/10/2022 11:18

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 10:37

Because they’ll be paying their own bills/mortgage etc. so assuming the amount they pay will reduce, and they’ll have to distribute it again some how.

im just fed up. Surely I should be able to talk to him without him getting annoyed about our finances?

So why isn’t he paying his own bills, his own rent etc

You moved into your parents house to save money. Not so he could send money to his mother. If he isn’t going to save and just take on more debt then you are not and will never be on the same page and you need to rip this plaster off now and tell him to go.

Get rid of your savings to your parents and divorce. Buy your own place.
At least then you know you will get CM from him
Make sure he has his own place with separate bed rooms for dc. Other wise he will go for shared care and his mother will end up looking after the dc for 1/2 the week and having an excuse to stay at home (wouldn’t put it past her to start claiming benefits on behalf of the children)

You deserve someone who is in this marriage with you. Not someone who is still mentally paying keep and prioritising his siblings and mother over his wife and children

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:19

I spoke to him about contributing to bills etc. now he said he doesn’t want to save for a property anymore. And will take all his money from the joint account to his. And no point saving for one we can rent out all our lives.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 31/10/2022 11:21

get your own money out of the account now.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 11:22

Take your money out first - so he can't take what's yours - and buy alone. Tell him to fuck off back to his moms.

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:22

No I’m reading. I told him to contribute and now he saying he doesn’t want to save for property anymore and withdrew his contributions to his own account

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 31/10/2022 11:24

Why are you still with this selfish person? He has an obligation to support your joint household. If you split, he would have to support your joint children properly! So why not now?

Chippy1234 · 31/10/2022 11:30

Your life sounds a horrible mess. Do you want to live with your parents despite having another child that clearly no one is taking an account of.

What do your parents think about having a new born in the house and who is going to look after it when you go back to work?

Beautiful3 · 31/10/2022 11:30

Just read your update. He's a bit of a loser isn't he? He doesn't want to save to move out, he's clearly taking advantage of you and your parental. Get rid, and save up for your own place.

AdviceOnLife · 31/10/2022 11:30

Take all your money out of the joint account before he gets a chance to take it all.
Ask him to move to his mums house. Legally separate and claim maintenance once baby gets here.
He is treating you and your parents shockingly.

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2022 11:33

He's using you.

Oh dear OP. I'd use the time you live at home to finish with him. Meet someone who DOES see you as an equal

pinkyredrose · 31/10/2022 11:33

He's a dead weight. Get rid.

Westendbuoys · 31/10/2022 11:35

I don't understand how you've got into this mess, you're not 18 and clueless about the world (with apologies to clued up 18yos, past and present).

Both you and H are taking the piss out of your parents who are old and in poor health. Your H is a grade A cocklodger and you'd be best off getting rid. I'd like to spaff all my wages on shoes and bars of fruit & nut but I'm an adult with responsibilities so no, he doesn't get to spend what he earns. Have you never had a proper chat about money? How much have got saved, and would that be a suitable deposit in today's market? I feel sorry for both your parents and your kids.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/10/2022 11:36

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:19

I spoke to him about contributing to bills etc. now he said he doesn’t want to save for a property anymore. And will take all his money from the joint account to his. And no point saving for one we can rent out all our lives.

If you have been compromising your earning capacity to provide childcare then its not his money its jointly yours and his after costs. Or he can contribute half the cost of childcare and you can go back full time. Ultimately he has created a family, he has responsibilities to the family he created. Let him go back to his mother and pay child support - it will cost him more.

How old is his mother that she thinks its ok to sit at home and let her kids pay for her? Are we talking about a pensioner or a woman in her 50s/early 60s? I assume she is widowed or divorced with a house which can accommodate DH?

Kennykenkencat · 31/10/2022 11:37

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 11:22

No I’m reading. I told him to contribute and now he saying he doesn’t want to save for property anymore and withdrew his contributions to his own account

As I said above
You are not on the same page

Get rid now. It will only end in penury and heart ache.

He is telling you loud and clear who he is and what he wants.

Stop everything and listen to him. Listen to what he is actually saying and look at his actions.

Do you really want to buy a house, raise your family have a nice life or are you married to the idea of drama and martyrdom
If the former then grow a back bone and do what needs to be done and divorce both him and the drama and martyrdom persona

Do it for your parents, do it for your children and most of all, do it for yourself.

When you have this baby make sure you are divorcing and don’t put his name on the birth certificate for this child’s protection.

starfishmummy · 31/10/2022 11:39

I dont think you are unreasonable to institute a discussion from the pov that your income is about to be reduced - obviously the mil thing will come up but don't mention her from the outset!!

Also if you have savings then I think you need to make sure they are safe and that he isn't and can't dip into them to subsidise his mum

GardenMind · 31/10/2022 11:40

Are you fearful of your situation? Change is good, you will be much more happier if you make the change? You just have to dig deep and find the courage .

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