Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

[Alexkit1980]

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

She doesn't know yet op does she ?

Have you maybe sent a message telling her to contact you.
Do you think he could have intercepted this, he is police, easy for him to put spyware on her phone and yours !
Or maybe he's citing wrong number, no idea who you are.
Could be saying you're a crazy colleague etc and having it dealt with.

Threre are so many resons why she may not have the full facts but if you have given her a smidgen of truth, not disclosing or elaborating further is cruel.

More cruel than never saying anything at all, for now she must be being tormented by this gaslighting shit.

Remember if he's still trying to draw you in, he thinks he's back in control, he's treating you like a mug, along with his wife.

He is in control he always will be.
it’s what he does

maybe I shouldn’t have ever sent that first mail. But I do things without thinking( if I did think I wouldn’t be in this mess)

i want her to know. I want her to be able to make up her own mind what she does with the information but deep down there’s thoughts that I could be making this very worse for both of us.

Oh so you haven't fucking told her

That makes a lot more sense as to why she hasn't contacted you

So you don't think she deserves to know now?

I understand op.

Are you frightened of him ?

Do you not trust his reactions?

I can understand that, better to admit and we could advise you better, do you think he has narcissistic traits.

I am drawn to people with narcissistic traits. I only got out a mentally abusive marriage 2.5 years ago which I was in for 11 years.

hence why I was pulled in so deeply by someone I thought I trusted.

I don’t want to think he would do anything. But the behaviour he has shown me is that it could be a possibility .

Has he been aggressive or violent.

Does he have a temper ?

He just likes to be in control.

I don’t want to say anymore on a public post.

So there's a good chance he's abusing his wife, in more ways than one.

Poor woman.

I don’t know. I don’t want to think that. But I don’t know.

im a fucked up mess that’s no good to anyone

OP, please don’t talk about yourself like that. You’ve made a horrible choice in life, but that’s not your total sum as a person, no one is all good or all bad. I really think some therapy might help you.

From what I remember, you messaged her saying you'd slept with her husband and she messaged back that she wanted more info from you and she'd be in touch. You haven't heard from her. Am I right?

So if I remember right and you specifically told her about the affair, then your part in this is done. You told her and the rest is up to her. Maybe she's changed her mind about 'more info' and they're in the midst of a breakup. Maybe she's decided to stay despite the cheating and wants to know no more. Maybe he's fed her a line of shit and has convinced her you're lying. Regardless of what's happening on 'their end', your involvement is at an end.

If you messaged her something vague like "I have some information you should know about" then, yes, I think you should tell her specifically that you had an affair with her husband. Once that's done, again, your part is done. She can message you if she wants more.

You aren't a 'fucked up mess'. But if you feel that you want to change the way you think or the choices you make, that's fair enough. Wanting to change doesn't mean the way we are now is 'fucked up'. It just means we aren't making choices that are in our best interests. If you want to change, seek counseling. It can make a world of difference in the way you see things and the choices you make.

I had counselling , did the freedom program and other courses after my separation. Maybe it’s something I have to look at again.

She is choosing to ignore you, fact is she's being probably doing that with all the women he's cheated on. She doesn't want to know because the truth is inconvenient. let it go and move on. Work on yourself raise the bar when the next guy comes along. Do keep in mind you really dodge a bullet, imagine you had been the wife and having a cheating man like this as partner.

Yes, do it again. Your circumstances are different now, right? The counseling we get to survive a marital separation might be different that you'd get now.

After my divorce from an abuser and a disastrous rebound relationship I went to a counselor and when she asked me what I wanted to accomplish I said "Why do I pick such horrible men and how do I stop!?!". Took me 18 months, but I got there!

Yes they are different. I was such a good place after I did it the first time, felt strong and in control.

untill he came along and sucked me right back in. Making me feel weak and vulnerable again, not believing in myself.

he knew so much of my past, made me believe his last relationship ended because he was being abused. The lies he told me put me right back to feeling useless and not worthy so I clung on when I knew things were wrong.

I know I need to go back and have more counselling, I know that, it’s just been a hard realisation I let myself fall for someone that promised me the world after knowing everything I’d been through. But I guess that’s why he did it because he knew I’d do anything he wanted

feel like such a fool

Honestly I'd just leave it and continue working on yourself. Very noble to objectively tell you that she ought to know, but you're the one who will be left with a whole can of worms to deal with. It would most likely be a shitshow and you'll be left feeling like you need to prove everything, there will be endless questions etc etc etc You're already not in a very good place (no offence intended). Class this one as 'not your business' and focus on yourself.

No offence taken!

i know im not in good place.

Reminds me an old neighbour in the 70's.

He was police, murdered his wife and dumped her body in the sea.
Went to prison, not for too long though.

Make sure you don't get back with him.

I can guarantee I won’t be going back there.
that I can promise.

Please, please stop 'downing' yourself. You aren't a 'fool' or any other pejorative term you may think. It's counterproductive and can actually stop you from moving forward because it makes you think you aren't 'worth it' or 'can't change'. You ARE and you CAN.

What you are is human. With human needs and human 'blind spots'. We all have them.

And you are WORTHY. Worthy of being happy, on your own or with the right person. So, seek to change. Not because there's anything 'wrong' with you, but because you deserve to change in order to find your happiness.

The wonderful Bobby Kennedy said "Some people look at the world as it is and say 'why?'. I look at the world as it should be and say 'why not?"'. The same applies to our lives. So don't look at your life now and say 'why'?. Imagine your life as you wish it to be and say 'why not'?. Then seek the tools to make it so.

I agree with you too, @Cheeseandlobster.

Thankyou.

No - your comments come from a place you have no understanding of...
I let his partner know...turned my back and walked away to start again. They made the choices left to them. I'm not going to pretend an emotion I don't feel for them. Nor am I going to feel bad about my life going from strength to strength. If anyone sounds bitter - it's you.

OP be careful.

People literally murder over affairs. If your deemed as a threat in some way by him or his wife to their family/life. Don’t be surprised at how far either of them could go.

It’s why I’m biting my tongue. I know he has a VERY dominant side.
mad much as I still hurt and I still believe his wife should know what a manipulative shit he is. I imagine she already has an idea. And for everyone’s safety especially mine and my kids i should leave it