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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

251 replies

Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 14:02

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

OP posts:
xPeaceX · 04/11/2022 11:55

I certainly would not want to kick the opin the head. He reeled her in. She was vulnerable. Just his type. He's the one I'd kick in the c0jones and head

Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 04/11/2022 12:50

We haven’t managed to speak yet.
he’s been trying to get in contact with me, sending me gifts.
she still wants to talk but it’s proving difficult, I think he knows something is up and he always seems to be around.
i kinda wish I’d kept my mouth shut but feel I’m in too deep not to tell her everything now. I do fear things may turn horrid but it’s my own fault.

OP posts:
SucreSalty · 04/11/2022 13:37

Even though it's morally right to tell the wife, it wasn't in the op's best interest to tell the wife of a policeman about his cheating.
This is why I wouldn't knowingly go out with someone in the police (or military). Their training hardens them too much.

BetterBeCarefulBoysYouJustMightSetTheWorldOnFire · 04/11/2022 13:48

MsDogLady · 30/10/2022 14:44

He stole her choices and consent. In your shoes, I would return them to her.

Doesn’t she deserve to have agency over her own life….just as you do?

This. Beautifully put. Currently he has something of hers that she should have returned. You can return it.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/11/2022 13:48

I'd return the gifts, or refuse delivery of them. If neither is a possibility, toss or donate them. Is there some way for him to find out that you're throwing them away? Maybe that would stop him.

When you say 'he always seems to be around' what do you mean? Around whom? His wife? If she's having difficulty in arranging private time to speak to you, that's her issue to deal with, not yours. At this point, you just back away and try to stop thinking about it. If she calls, she calls. If she's sending you constant updates about not being able to call tell her they aren't needed and to just call you when she can.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/11/2022 15:38

This is why the ‘tell her I’d want to know ‘ post fuxk me off
as do the ‘you have a moral duty’
fuck that shit
it’s so risky

op you can step back here you know that right ?

you can block him and send a cease and desist
if he even scares you one iota report to police

you can send wife an email

sorry for dumping this on you
think it’s best we dont speak but here are basics
met xx
ended xx
Wishing you the best , you deserve better

protect yourself and be very proactive

LyndaLovelace · 04/11/2022 15:48

Alexkit1980 · 04/11/2022 12:50

We haven’t managed to speak yet.
he’s been trying to get in contact with me, sending me gifts.
she still wants to talk but it’s proving difficult, I think he knows something is up and he always seems to be around.
i kinda wish I’d kept my mouth shut but feel I’m in too deep not to tell her everything now. I do fear things may turn horrid but it’s my own fault.

Really?

But you said it was all set up for the talk about 4 days ago now.

What's the issue?

If I was her I'd be moving heaven and earth to talk to you!

I don't get this.

ViolinPin · 04/11/2022 15:59

I don't understand, have you actually told her, or have you just said you need to speak with her ?

Sounds like you are dangling the truth over both of them.

Ithurtbad · 04/11/2022 17:02

Alexkit1980 · 04/11/2022 12:50

We haven’t managed to speak yet.
he’s been trying to get in contact with me, sending me gifts.
she still wants to talk but it’s proving difficult, I think he knows something is up and he always seems to be around.
i kinda wish I’d kept my mouth shut but feel I’m in too deep not to tell her everything now. I do fear things may turn horrid but it’s my own fault.

I actually think she should have. It's obvious she not going to do nothing and just carry on.
I would just let her contact you now. Ignore him but not sure how you both contact each this why I wouldn't of said nothing.
He might know something up but now you told him wife he will never speak to you again..
Unless the wife planning something the conversation should have been had.

Ithurtbad · 04/11/2022 17:03

@Alexkit1980
Shouldn't have said anything

LyndaLovelace · 04/11/2022 17:27

she still wants to talk but it’s proving difficult, I think he knows something is up and he always seems to be around

But he works.

How can't she find a quiet time somewhere over the last 4 days?

She could do it in the loo or while she's having a 'long bath' :)

CambsAlways · 04/11/2022 17:31

Provide proof poor lady , of course she should be told

LyndaLovelace · 06/11/2022 16:13

@Alexkit1980 Did you manage to talk to her?

I know you don't have to come back to your thread, but it was such a big deal for you that it's odd you haven't updated everyone who tried to help.

PicaNewName · 06/11/2022 16:29

OP, don't worry about telling her, it WILL make you feel better. I've been there, done that. Yes, I wanted him to suffer, I wanted her to know the truth. She first didn't believe me... like many wives don't. They stayed together but that was her decision I guess, and by telling her I might have stopped this guy cheating on her again. Or not but that's not my business any more.

ViolentDelightsxox · 07/11/2022 13:26

You need to send her one message with screenshots of messages as evidence. Anything else that will make her believe you - details about him or his body. Anything that casts doubt on his upcoming denial.
Tell her you're willing to talk to her about it if she wants and that you are deeply sorry for the pain you've allowed him to cause.
Then leave her with the information.
If she wants more information from you, she will ask for it. The wife absolutely deserves to know.

ViolinPin · 07/11/2022 14:02

She hasn't told him, just thrown in enough threats to blackmail him into continuing seeing her.

Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 07/11/2022 17:16

ViolinPin · 07/11/2022 14:02

She hasn't told him, just thrown in enough threats to blackmail him into continuing seeing her.

Yes cause that’s exactly what I want….. I may have acted like a complete shit but that doesn’t mean I want to carry on doing so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 07/11/2022 17:19

I haven’t updated the thread because yes I am having second thoughts about telling her the whole truth. And I’ve been throwing myself into work to try and get myself over it. I want to tell her cause yes I still want to hurt him but to heal myself I need to forget and move on and try and be a better person and for something like this to never happen again on my part

OP posts:
NCgoingdry · 07/11/2022 17:22

You can't really drop a bomb on her like that and not follow through with telling her the truth. She's probably in turmoil.

dontputitthere · 07/11/2022 17:23

Alexkit1980 · 07/11/2022 17:19

I haven’t updated the thread because yes I am having second thoughts about telling her the whole truth. And I’ve been throwing myself into work to try and get myself over it. I want to tell her cause yes I still want to hurt him but to heal myself I need to forget and move on and try and be a better person and for something like this to never happen again on my part

What about what she deserves?

Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 07/11/2022 17:24

dontputitthere · 07/11/2022 17:23

What about what she deserves?

Show quote history

What am I meant to do. She has my number. I can’t force her to phone me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 07/11/2022 17:26

NCgoingdry · 07/11/2022 17:22

You can't really drop a bomb on her like that and not follow through with telling her the truth. She's probably in turmoil.

She has my number. What else do I do.

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 07/11/2022 17:29

You said you're having second thoughts about telling her

What have you actually told her?

NCgoingdry · 07/11/2022 17:30

Do you have her number?

I don't know it's tough, I won't berate you for your part you've hated on yourself enough. But looking at it purely objectively now - she's been told that he's unfaithful, but then no evidence has come out.

If that were me I would be in knots. Unless she's choosing not to know 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 07/11/2022 17:36

NCgoingdry · 07/11/2022 17:30

Do you have her number?

I don't know it's tough, I won't berate you for your part you've hated on yourself enough. But looking at it purely objectively now - she's been told that he's unfaithful, but then no evidence has come out.

If that were me I would be in knots. Unless she's choosing not to know 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes I have her number.
maybe she is choosing to ignore it I don’t know. I imagine if shes mentioned it to him he’s talked his way out of it.

OP posts:
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