Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

[Alexkit1980]

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

All the best op

thinking of you today

I hope it goes well. You've done the right thing.

How did it go

Hope you got on ok and you can put it all behind you now.

He's had a head start.

If you tell his wife it's possible she will be ready to believe whatever lies he has told her about you and will bite your face off.

You'll be the angry, obsessed co-worker, or the girl he knew in university who was a bit unhinged even then...

Do it if you have photos. But I would make him sweat a bit. Do it in a few weeks.

I would also be very inclined to tell his superior officers how concerned he was that you not tell his wife.

Nothing as bad as a police officer with a secret that he doesn't want told.

Yes, his comment , "what can I do to stop you telling my wife"

Sounds like a threat.

I got told by the ow. It was definitely done as she realised he wasn't going to leave me for her. She tried to make out it was because she felt bad for me but that's just bullshit. I left him straight away. Now she has him . Lucky her!

I'm wondering what's happened and which of them is buried under the patio?

The OP?
The Wife?
The H?

The cheating husband is a police officer so it’s very possibly the OP is lying buried under the carpet (hence the reason thread hasn’t been updated).

I would of told you don't tell her because she will end up becoming vile to you. Even believing him and thinking it's all you.
It does depend on the sort of woman your dealing with too. I had a very bad experience.

Yes you may not the first but sorry to say these women just have not proof suspect and turn a blind eye sometimes not wanting to accept their DH cheating and some really do pin blame on OW.

I would of just blocked him like you did carry on moving forward as there always going to be OW he obviously not happy with his wife and would of found out in time.
Most men are broken from whatever they dealing with at home acting out. If he was fine with her he wouldn't be cheating with you. If they now sort it out as threatened with taking kids away taking him for every penny with divorced he will pursuade her or try to try again.
Then really he forced to stay and that cycle will start again once he gained her trust back but he more clever and still cheat

I hope it went as well as possible

Wow @Ithurtbad

All these awful wives 'she will end up becoming vile to you' 'on the sort of woman your dealing with too' 'these women'

Poor sausage men 'he obviously not happy with his wife' 'Most men are broken from whatever they dealing with at home' 'threatened' 'taking him for every penny' 'forced to stay'

Your post is pretty much the most backward piece of reading I've read in a long time. Totally victim blaming nonsense. Just proves there's always a woman ready to take the place as affair partner and save these poor men from their supposedly hellish lives.

I'm glad you are telling her. I'd want to know too

😂

Very odd of her not to come back after leaving it on a cliff hanger.

@Crazypaving22

Some men are NOT but happy doesn't mean it's the wife fault all the time. Lack of sex because wife busy with children all sorts of reasons. Some men just get bored and want to get their leg over. There are deep rooted issues in a marriage why a man or woman cheats. But lying and making a play for OW/OM messing with their feelings is not good. It's not fair to the OW/OM so one sets out to destroy a marriage. Misleading them to believe things and once that person develops feelings or falls in love it's very hard to walk away. Some OW/OM like unavailable people and some don't care the wife/husband or the children involved.

Not at all saying it's the wife fault but from experience of MM they the worst.

Telling the wife doesn't alway get you off the hook. As she may believe him when he puts the blame onto the OW. You like the homewrecker when really this man chased you and been cheating a long time. That why I said walk away because some of these men tell lies.
Once it all goes well with the wife it's I am making a go of it with my wife. Leave them to it.

My last point is yes some Men don't want say they want a divorce because of being taken to the cleaners. Who knows what situation this man in to seek out the OP.

It will be interesting what the wife said to the OP.

@Ithurtbad

Not at all saying it's the wife fault but from experience of MM they the worst.

If you've got enough experience of married men to make a generalisation like this, you might have a pretty big issue to work through tbh.

Your post is pretty much the most backward piece of reading I've read in a long time. Totally victim blaming nonsense. Just proves there's always a woman ready to take the place as affair partner and save these poor men from their supposedly hellish lives.

@Crazypaving22

No every OW wants to become the wife to man that cheats. Or save the poor man from his situation he got to face that himself. You walk away wash your hands clean of the mess.

I just hope for the OP she made the right decision telling the wife.

@monsteramunch

I have overcome the MM situations and your learn from the person you once was.

You don't know me either so look at yourself.

I think you need to take steps to protect your safety. We've sadly heard too many stories lately about policemen and their conduct... though it sort of was rumoured how they might act in their love lives (allegedly)

I haven't personally ever been with a MM so on the MM front no, I don't need to look at myself.

I said you being with MM was an issue to work through and you've acknowledged yes it was and that you have done.

We're on the same page that it was an issue you needed to work through.

I don't know you so couldn't have known you've done that work already 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gosh I've just seen this
news.sky.com/story/married-police-officer-jailed-for-10-years-for-killing-his-lover-12116765

He used you like you were a netflix show. No acknowledgement of your feeling's.
I'd tell her, but kindly and succinctly.

So we don't know each other so we judge.

I post for the OP not for people to jump on my comments. If you not been in situation hard for people to comment they won't understand.
Most people like tell the wife because their married. It's not always that easy either. You could be dealing with an unstable woman. She might come for your blood.
If she finds out then you can tell her your side because the man tells lies.

I hope everything is okay with the OP.

Hope she is able to move on with dragged into their drama even more. That's sometimes best to walk away from this you won't get a pat on the back for confessing what their man did with you.