I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

And… there we have it.
Hes nota massive fan of your best friend.
Is your usernames what you are allowed to do? Gym, tan, laundry?

Honestly? I wouldn't bring my shy awkward partner to a work do. I'm not having an affair, I'm not secretly gay. I'd just find it hard work on a night I want to be enjoying myself without worrying about another person.

You’ve been really open and engaged on this thread, OP, and as a previous poster said, you sound very self-aware. Trust is really important to you, and you’ve always felt in a safe space with your DH. By talking it out here, and listening to everyone’s considered views, hopefully you have gathered the words and thoughts to articulate to him how upsetting you find this. You mention that he occasionally panics into a lie, and that could be a red flag, but lots of people do that when they feel cornered. Similarly the ‘enraged’ reaction. That being said, you seem to have a fairly solid foundation as a couple to start a calm conversation and see where it takes you both. You HAVE to be heard (and seen.) Being hidden from sight will continue to isolate you. Have courage.

Something is weird with this, sorry, it's a bit like what others have said about potentially them not knowing about you, there being another women or him making out to the lads his home life is terrible and him not wanting you to find out / them to find out you're actually perfectly normal and in a happy relationship.
How did you find out it was WAGs as well if you don't know any of them? Also only meeting one friend when you're married seems really strange. I dont see my partners friends often but I do know most of them and have socialised with them over the duration of our relationship.
I'm sorry but I've had one longish term relationship with someone who was like this. It turned out he had made out to all his colleagues that I was a jealous psycho, that he didn't love me etc. Was bizarre that he did this and heartbreaking but glad I found out. The colleagues of his weren't real friends, and outside of work he had nobody other than me.
I think you need to work on your confidence and approach the subject with him again. Only other thought is they head off to a strip club after for lads time, but then that doesn't explain the other wags going.
You deserve better than to be persuaded / told not to go. It is not as if you are joined at the hip and do everything together.

Twice you questioned him and twice he got angry, to shit you up. Not good. Not an acceptable response to being questioned. LTB for that. Even if you were the most hideous and socially inept person on the planet who was rude to everyone and embarrassed him, it still wouldn't give him the right to get angry at being questioned/caught out in his lies. You're never going to have good self esteem when he's constantly putting you down like this. You don't deserve to be a secret wife. He doesn't love you as much as you think or he wouldn't treat you like this.

*shut you up

But would you lie to them about why they couldn't come? And would you get angry if they suspected/found out you'd lied and started asking questions? OP's DH's reasons aren't necessarily an issue for the marriage (depending on what they are) but his disrespectful behaviour towards OP is.

But when everybody elses partner is there ?

You would rather offend your partner ? with them knowing they were the only partner not invited.

He's excluding her and she apparently has to accept it.

I think you are in a very abusive relationship.

I think you know this.

Understandably you are scared.

Where does all his money go?

She will never believe this though, he is so loving towards her, not until 10/20/30 years down the line and her 'assets' are gone.

Only then will she realise the isolation tactics will have enabled him to build up his network of secret people to move on.
Women like this end up having few friends and support when they desparately need help.

Sorry op, I don't mean to frighten you but there are older women on here who can see the begginings of abuse, if at least you can read some of the red flags that can be spotted, we don't have crystal balls but this particular situation is clearly more worrying to us than it is to you.

You sound extremely lovely and trusting in nature, many young women are, and not for one moment could any of them believe their partners would ever not have their best interests at heart BUT some people are wolves in sheeps clothing.

“id be inclined to dress up and go in a taxi to the do, wherever it is happening and perhaps put a wig on and some very tall heels.”

😂😂😂 I love this thread so much. Op, we are all kind of invested now, please go incognito to this shindig because we want to know what your husband is up to.

Just a thought but could there be something going on at his work that he's embarrassed by? Like a potential redundancy he hasn't told you about or maybe he feels like he's not doing as good a job at work as you imagine he would be doing or that people don't get on with him in work and he doesn't want you to see him in that light? It might not be anything to do with you at all but when your self esteem isn't great that's naturally what you'll assume. The only bit that concerns me is when you say "I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him." I don't like the idea of him being enraged. It does sound a bit gaslighty and intimidating. I think you need to come back to him at a later point and say I've noticed these things and honestly it's making me feel paranoid and I'm questioning myself as a result so I need you to be honest with me and just tell me even just briefly why you don't seem to want me involved with your work social life. I get anxious when bringing different groups of people together because I want it to go smoothly and everyone to get on to the point I'm a nervous wreck by the gathering, could this be where he's at?

The more I think about it, the more I think he is the Big I Am whom it suits to have a devoted and darling wife at home.

Exactly. This is the material point. I am also wondering if it suits him to have you at home and not at these dos. Does he encourage you to see friends and family? Does he show an interest in things you like? If you decided to get counselling or therapy to help you, would he be ok with this? Would he be supportive of you if you attended in person or online workshops for your ED and/or anxiety? How does he see your future together?

You see, you have repeatedly said you don’t confront, don’t rock the boat. Then now you have, he’s become really angry with you. Is this something, which has happened before and if it is, is this the reason you never challenge him?

Personally, I couldn’t live in a relationship like this. I’d be completely squashed and subservient and I think people are fearing the same is happening to you. Only you know if this is true or not in your heart. However, I really do feel you should talk to someone about this irl. Maybe your best friend, a trusted family member or some therapy. The latter could gain you a neutral perspective and give you some tools to change what you don’t like about your life.

Right, so let's summarise here -

When you first met your DH, you had an ED, not many friends, very socially awkward, and didn't go out much.

These issues have continued.

Your DH can talk his way out of anything, pull the wool over your eyes, and gets angry and defensive whenever you question his poor behaviour or discover him in a lie.

He earns lots of money and it always disappears by the end of the month - you don't know where it goes.

He lies to you in order to encourage you to stay at home while he goes out.

OP. You are being abused. I can spot it a mile off because I was in your shoes, once. It was a long time ago and I managed to get away, but I didn't see it when I was in the middle of it. It's so much easier for people on outside to spot it.

You are being kept secret. If you accept this, you are enabling him to lead a double life.

He could have another woman from
outside of work that he takes along!

OP you said he became 'enraged' and said it's all in your head. That is classic gaslighting. Classic, classic gaslighting. The fact is, he has LIED to you, many times. Said they are lads only, when they are ever so clearly not. He lies to you and he gaslights you. You're so afraid of even communicating with him that I don't know how to ask him without him going on the defense .

Your ED is a red herring and has absolutely nothing to do with this. I'd bet 10 years worth of my salary and my house on top of that, that neither your ED nor your introvertedness has absolutely nothing to do with why he excludes you from his work and personal life. The fact is, he lies to your face so he can exclude you from his life; work life and personal/lads life.

He is hiding something. He "earns a lot money" but it's almost all gone at the end of the month, yet he doesn't drink, SO.... where is the money going? That money is your money also, as it's family money. You're a married couple. A family. It's your (collectively) money; savings, retirement etc. And he is spending it all on himself, spending it somewhere. I think you have a lot of relationship issues, you having no idea/control of what he is wasting your relationship money on. He lies to you to exclude you from his life and keep you separate from his work and personal life. I would not be happy about that and I would be asking him to leave and/or seek marriage counselling, I would tell him your marriage is at stake unless he starts explaining why he lies to keep you separate from his life. You're his wife, his 'half', you come as a package deal especially with things where wives are invited to. He is systematically keeping you separate to live a separate life. He sounds dodgy as fuck, especially when he earns a lot and goes through it all. Where is it going? You have a right to know.

There is some reason he is desperate to keep you away from the works do, and you need to find out why. Also I do not believe it's 100% mens' workplace. There is no female admin assistant/receptionist/phone answerer, or PA to the Manager? Not one female? Not even a female cleaner? Sorry I don't believe it. I just don't believe that, at all. What's the bet that a woman who works there also is part of his friendship group that he goes out with? So many women on this site have said 'I 100% thought he'd never have the time for an affair, but somehow he did'. Don't assume he isn't because he comes home straight away and is home most nights. Relationships section is littered with women who were so incredibly sure their partner had no spare time for an affair and were wrong.

Bottom line is, he lies to your face, you, his wife. A serious infraction as it is. He gaslights you and tells you 'it's all in your head' when you find out women go to these things. He gets enraged and defensive. And he goes through all the money by the end of the month. SOMETHING is going on, whatever that is. And I'd honestly tell him to leave for a few days because you are upset and the deception and you won't have it in your marriage. A marriage is supposed to be based on honesty; not keeping you a hidden secret and lying and deceiving.

Also this, OP. Tell him you are both going and that's that.

However, what I forgot to say last time is that next time you speak to him and he gets defensive or enraged, tell him "don't you dare get angry with me. You have no right to be angry with me, after what you've done. I am the wronged person here, you lied to me, you're the one who has lied and deceived and kept me hidden. You're the the one who has been doing the wrong thing; ONLY ONE of us has a right to be angry here, and that's ME!"

Hi guys, thanks for all the further opinions. @JennyNotFromTheBlock thank you especially with regards to what to say when addressing the situation, this is very helpful.

It will have to get sorted today I genuinely can't do another day like yesterday.

DH would very much support treatment and counseling, he has encouraged it in the past, I'm the culprit here who stops any progression.

Deffo 0 women in the work place but as many of you have said that doesn't rule out an affair.

I don't feel abused or like a victim of gaslighting, DH does alot for me and I'm happy but I know alot of people will say I'm wrong and I'm naive.
I think it's simpler than this, it's embarrassment and its not wanting to babysit. Either way I'm asking and asserting myself today, thank you for all the positive inspiration and helping me to be a bit bolder and finally thank you for all listening and guiding when I had no one xxx

You said in a precious post @Gymtanlaundry that he doesn't wear his wedding ring for work as it's not allowed (and neither do you.)

I'm wondering what kind of work you both do that doesn't allow wedding rings?

I'd assume if it was a hygiene issue, surgical gloves would be worn.

Do you both work with machinery of some sort?

It's another red flag for me- his taking off his ring for work.

Deffo 0 women in the work place but as many of you have said that doesn't rule out an affair.

How do you know for sure?

I wonder what work he does where there are zero women.
And he's not allowed to wear a wedding ring.

<scratches head>

I think it's very sad that you can't see you are being abused.

Let's re-cap on what he has done.

He' s in an all male workplace, doing 12 hour shifts, as women who could be 'crew' can't hack it ( fire service maybe? SAS , LOL)

He's not allowed to wear his wedding ring for the above work.

He doesn't approve of your best friend of 29 years and tries to discourage you seeing or talking to her.

He doesn't allow you to meet any of his friends or work colleagues.

He does do stuff with you at weekends, (but maybe that's his guilty conscience?)

He spends money and you aren't sure what on.

He has lads' nights out every 2-3 months but lied about that.

At home, he is the perfect husband, looking after your every need.

DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc ?

It doesn't add up to a great relationship.

It doesn't add up at all.

I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks

But you have said that you have an ED and can't eat a meal in public.

How could you go to the meal?

Perhaps he is jealous and worried and the op is highly attractive and he wants to keep her all to himself

You've said that when you have a day off, he encourages you to get out of the house and do your own 'thing'.

Do you think this might be because he wants rid of you so he can do whatever he wants?

He's obsessive about keeping fit, spends his money on whatever (you don't know what), made out that you were the confused one when he 'forget' to tell you he was off on a lad's night out.

You also said that IF he met someone else, despite really loving you, he'd be off, as he is the sort of man who goes for what he wants.

There is a huge load of stuff in your posts - a real drip-feed- and (sadly) if you are trying to convey a picture of a very dysfunctional marriage, you've done that.

Are you being honest with you?