I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

Why? Doesn't he trust her?

Agreed, she's being abused imo and he uses her ED as a cruel and spiteful weapon to hurt her with anytime she questions him. Very spiteful and nasty. She says: he puts in effort on the day to day, helps with household chores, picks up presents or treats for me when he's out, messages and calls me lots, cares for me if I'm unwell and I do the same back for him - to me, that just seems the bare minimum (with perhaps the presents/treats) in a relationship. The bare minimum. My DH also helps with house chores, messages, looks after me when I'm unwell (in sickness and in health, lol), yet I don't say he treats me like a queen or me vice versa when I do all these things for him. Most couples are like this. It's standard and how marriage is supposed to be.
I think OP considers the bare minimum to be treating her like a queen, and that is worrying. And even him doing this, doesn't mean he can't possibly be abusive in another way/form, and he clearly is because lying and deceiving your wife is surely abusive. Abusers are abusive 100% of the time, OP, they can be really lovely 95% of the time and still be abusive.

And with the ED, I think there are many WAGs at these events that eat very little, so I think she'd blend in. It also depends if the 'do' is just like, crisps and nibblies and wine and just sitting around/walking around socialising, or an actual sit-down dinner. Easy to walk around and dodge the crisps, crackers etc if it's that type of casual setting, so it wouldn't even be an issue. Even with sit down dinners a lot of women sort of push their food around their plate, OP would not be the only thin wife/girlfriend that 'eats like a bird', so I fail to see how the ED is an issue. Even if it was a formal sit-down dinner this time, that doesn't explain all the other gatherings he excludes her from, including drinks in the pub where food wouldn't really be part of it. So I don't buy it's the ED, if it was he would have said. The only time he apparently blames the ED is when he is being called on something and he hurls it out as a weapon to hurt her, an excuse. To upset her enough and hurt her enough she shuts up and stops challenging him. OP even says he thinks people "don't notice" her not eating, which is further proof imo it never has been about the ED.

Good luck for today @Gymtanlaundry 💐

*Abusers are not abusive 100% of the time , that should read.

He's lying to you about something and he's trying to control you by gaslighting you and by "encouraging" you to see your father in your spare time rather than finding other activities and new friends.

He can tell his colleagues you have another commitment so cant make the dinner but you'd like to join them for drinks afterwards. You could already be meeting a friend for dinner/ putting your elderly dad to bed/ have special dietary needs so rather not - anything really. No need to feel embarrassed if you dont eat the meal, you still get to part of it.

My ex was like this - I think for him it's because he was embarrassed by me (believe me, he had no reason to be!) and wanted to misbehave.
It could be several things. He's having an affair or fancies a colleague, he's embarrassed by you or maybe he just feels more relaxed without you there. Maybe he wants to get drunk, be silly, stay out late and thinks you'd cramp his style? I have a group of friends I prefer to see without DH - simply because they're pretty decadent and drink a lot and my DH is painfully sensible. It's just not a good match.

I'm not saying he's a narcissist but sounds like he at least has narcissistic tendencies. My ex is one and his father before him. My ex's parents have no friends as his dad has slowly isolated them both. His mother surrendered. Please read this and slowly go through the points and see if they could apply. At first I said 'no way!' As my ex doesn't fit the impression I had of what a narcissist is. But there are many many variations. They involve a self belief they are better than others, rage at the idea of them doing anything wrong, gaslighting, belittling. All to make themselves feel better because at the core there is deep shame because they were made to feel they were not good enough and they need to cover this up.

Don't show him this thread but watch if he gets angry when you bring this office party up again, which you must. Do you sometimes walk on eggshells? Are you frightened of making him angry so avoid saying stuff? Big red flag 🚩

Take care, get real life support.

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist

Sorry to post again I know you said you need to get on with your day... xx

Just another thought, are you both the same ethnic background? If not could he be concerned they won't accept you?

Good morning OP!

I don't want this to sound harsh but you're not owed a night out with your husband's work colleagues, he's not obliged to take you if he doesn't want to and might just simply be because he wants to let his hair down and chat rubbish without having to consider if you're having a nice time, if you're feeling awkward for any reason (ED, being introverted, etc.) Taking your partner changes the dynamic, changes how he acts & feels and maybe he just CBA - I know that's not very nice if it is the case but I do feel like that with my DH socially too sometimes.

Plus you say he / you both don't go out very often, he can just want to go out without you. You sound like you have a very nice marriage otherwise, spend lots of time together, but not much time apart (other than work) so maybe he just wants this time away from you (I mean it nicely)

I know you're hurt that he's lied about it, but sometimes a lie is just to stop us hurting someone's feelings.

I was thinking the same. She can turn up after the dinner and say that she was at some family event ( nieces 18th , uncles 70th birthday meal etc ).

As long as you float around with a glass in your hand ( could be sparkling water with a slice of lemon ) no one knows or questions anything IME.

@CrystalCoco No, read all the OP's posts. The husband is lying to his wife and deceiving her, and that is absolutely not on in a marriage. This is also not a 'white lie'. He is keeping her secret and hidden from his work life and outside life. He is gaslighting her using her ED as a weapon against her. He is leading a double life. There is never a justification to lie to your other half like this, she DOES has an expectation to invited to these things; she is his wife, his other half, he can't act like a bachelor.

Op please ignore posters who infer that if you’re shy/ anxious/ he just wants to have fun with work friends…

That is all a bunch of rubbish. Everyone else is bringing their partners - every person there will have some sort of issue. Bob from x department just talks about football, Steve’s wife drinks too much and then cries, Peter and Fred have history and never sit by each other, George is a terrible dancer but still goes for it ( everyone giggles about it, but they like him). That is just the way it is in a group. Your eating disorder probably wouldn’t be noticed, nor you being quiet.
Please don’t think you don’t deserve to be there- being quiet is not worthy of the punishment he is doling out- nor is having an eating disorder.

My ex h did something similar.
He was an amazing husband- would do anything for me and the kids, and was just known as a nice guy. His friends often held social events, and he told me that the invitation wasn’t extended to me. Like you, I could be a bit anxious, so I just accepted it. I was so very hurt, but I accepted it. I was so confused and ended up convincing myself of all sorts of utter tripe.

I won’t go into all the details but it all came to a head when we all went out ( me, him, friends, and their wider social group). He was hideous to me, and it was clear that he was peacocking for one of the women attached to the group.
I was so confused. How could he be so devoted, yet do that?

It took me a long time to realise that 1)it is wrong if your partner is evaluating you through other peoples eyes, and sees only faults. I suspect there is probably about a thousand things he could be proud of

2. Some behaviour in a relationship is just window dressing. Non of it is worth anything if your partner isn’t honest. It’s impossible to respect someone if you are not honest.

That was really hard to learn. I tried to tell myself that because he complimented me, seemed to support me, seemed so devoted, then surely it was ok if he slipped up now and again? He was only human, after all. I even thought that because I was having trouble forgiving him, I was a horrible person, who needed to work on myself, and my ability to love. By the way, the girl at the dinner was tip if the iceberg stuff.

Don’t believe the voices in your head who tell you that you are somehow to blame for him lying and excluding you. This isn’t your fault.

Some people don't like mixing the people in their lives. I'm probably one of them. My work team is having a Christmas lunch and spouses are welcome. I'd say around 40 percent are bringing partners. I don't want to bring DH. I'm not embarrassed by him (I'm proud of him!), I don't fancy anyone else at work. It's simply that, for me, it feels a bit odd having my husband at a work thing, mingling with my boss and my colleagues! I know not everyone feels like that but some people do. It just changes the dynamic somehow. I also have friends that me and DH see together, but other friends I prefer to see without DH, again because the dynamic would be different. Don't get me wrong - it would be fine if he came. No problem. It's just certain things I prefer to do as me, rather than as a couple. If DH was upset about this I'd definitely reassure him and bring him along a couple of times so he could see there was nothing to worry about.
Maybe your DH is a different person at work, a jack the lad or something, and would just feel a bit uncomfortable having his wife there. It doesn't have to be anything sinister!

completely off the wall here and aside from your original post Op... do you think he could be taking steroids?

you say he is a gym bunny, he works in a very male orientated environment, he doesn't drink, (steroid takers don't) he can get short with you in terms of temper, he doesn't have much money left at the end of the month? does he take vitamins or shakes to drink, anything ticking any boxes there?

Maybe he wants to keep work and relationship separate. Honestly I'd feel weird bringing my husband to mine because I act so differently at work.

I don't think he's cheating or is gay as had been suggested here.

I think it's around your ED and you being introverted. It will stifle his enjoyment and he doesn't want to hurt you by saying that.

I recently went to a colleagues birthday party, but decided to take my sister as my plus one instead of my husband. I didn't tell him I was going with my sister...quite simply I knew I'd have a better time with my sister than with him.

I know in the same situation he would take me. I'm quite social and can talk to strangers easily.

When I took him to another friend's wedding... she was my friend, but his. Me and a couple of other friends went to take photo with the bride... my DH and another husband were at the table when we went out. We came back and they were both on their phones... not said a word to each other.

When he takes me to events with his friends, I get talking to people pretty quickly. It's not that DH is introverted, but I'd say my social skills are much better than his.

I would never say this to him, because it would just seem unnecessarily mean.

Its the fact that he lied that bothers me-then said he never said it was just the workers which he clearly did

if it was just your ED why did he lie

and why cant you go o9ut for drinks on the other occasions

I hope you have that frank discussion today and you are confident you get to the truth.

We still have not spoken, the house is just awkward silence, I feel sick and utterly miserable, my pride won't let me the first one to break the silence, he's in the wrong!

Just state - you need to have a honest discussion with me this isn't going to get brushed under the carpet and leave him to stew on it.

Take a deep breath and sit him down. He will never broach the problem as he a) doesn't think there is one and/or b) has something he'd rather not admit to.

Take control, be strong and know your self-worth OP. Good luck 💐

You need to understand that the one breaking the silence is the person with the most pride, and the most courage. Pride in the fact that you are a person worthy of respect and being treated well. And the courage to speak up and demand it.

Would you find it easier to write him a letter with all you want to say?

The upside is that you choose and frame your words until they are said as facts, without a lot of emotion for the other person to point at and say how 'overly emotional' you're being. It also gives you a chance to really review your feelings and 'sort the wheat from the chaff' so to speak, to get to the real crux of the matter.

The downside is that the written word is a permanent record that can be shared with others. That's why one must be careful not only in choice of words, but what one reveals. And you must be able to trust your partner to give it back to you or to keep it private.

It was a marriage counselor who suggested letter writing to us. But her proviso was that the letter belonged to the writer and must be given back to them, not taken away to be 'studied' or kept.

And you still think he’s lovely and kind?

Sounds like you are being punished for questioning him and his behaviour.

I mean it very kindly OP but I do not think this relationship is in any way healthy or normal.

Lying, DARVO, gaslighting, all the hall marks of an emotionally abusive relationship.

Look up DARVO to see if it registers.

His lack of money is strange.

I would suggest a credit check of both your names.

Where there are so many lies, there is usually another narrative at play.

I am so sorry.

Have you friends or family to support you?