I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

The very fact that he tried gaslighting you (I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him) makes me believe he's not at all a kind, honest or pleasant man.

No decent guy would "become enraged" when his wife was so upset and insecure that she cried.

I'm afraid I think it's got nothing at all to do with preferring to go on his own - why the heck did he marry you then??

I think he's either got the mistress that has been mentioned in a previous post, or he hasn't told anyone he's married to you - maybe he's still legally married to someone else and is a bigamist? Sounds so far fetched, but it's not actually uncommon if we believe the MSM.

Whatever the reason if he actually loved you he'd be moving heaven & earth to help you overcome your shyness and social insecurities.

I don't often say this, but LTB.

I don't know how to ask him without him going on the defense... I just want the truth but don't know how to get it.

This is the problem, I think. He told you about his work holiday party suddenly going no guests and became angry when you questioned it. You found that the party really did include partners as usual, so you asked him about it. Instead of discussing, he "became enraged" and told you the problem was your imagining things and projecting.

If there's a legitimate explanation, why is he lying/refusing to elaborate/blaming you and what's he so angry about? I don't think there's any option except for the two of you to talk this through honestly and calmly, starting with his explaining what's going on, and give each other a chance to get everything out there. Will he really not do that if you ask? I don't see how it's possible to restore trust or for you to have peace of mind if he doesn't.

Even if he's done what he has for a reason he thinks is a genuinely good one, like sparing you a social occasion he doesn't think you'd enjoy but might agree to for his sake, it's not OK for him to decide that for you and keep things from you. I don't see how a frank discussion could be WORSE than all the things running through your head now; if there is nothing seriously wrong it can even make your relationship stronger.

I think this.

Completely agree with this.

I think the only way to see the truth in this is to tell him that you are going, no further discussion needed. Gauge his reaction. Will he then not go himself? Will he 'forget' to RSVP for you? Will he flat out refuse to bring you? If any of these happen then you have a bigger problem than you may think. If you do end up going, just keep your eyes and ears open to any and all possibilities.

I know you say he doesn't have time or opportunity to cheat. I hope this is true. But how many people completely believe the same only to find that cheating can actually take very, very little time or effort.

My DH also worked in a 'male' environment. One of the men he worked with routinely used prostitutes. No wining and dining, and only around 30 minutes to be 'serviced'. It was done by appointment via the internet. His wife had no idea and probably would have been one to say that he 'had no time'.

@Mirabai you are genuinely such a good friend, I have had my best friend for 29 years and my issue hangs between us unspoken, she's know and I know she knows but it's never discussed. Friends like you are incredible and sometimes the only lifeline people have to hold on to, but yes I can imagine that's an incredible amount of weight and pressure to carry around.

My DH is brilliant but everytime he tries to take me task on my ED I get defensive and close off completely, I shut him out, I am truly horrible for this and I see it but my ED is like a part of me almost like a twin and any attempt to separate us causes me to get angry. I know that's hard to explain because my ED is my enemy also but that's how it feels, that's how it ingrains itself. I turn to it in all situations and that makes me an incredibly difficult person I know. It also makes me very insecure and self conscious so I'm broken by this situation at the moment, torn between blaming him and blaming myself. Thanks again xx

Can I ask if you socialise with friends outside of the family or mutual friends? Has he ever tried to discourage you from seeing friends you had before your relationship? If you received an invite to a social event, would he discourage you from going?

The reason that I am asking is that the issue might not be that he is embarrassed of you, but more that he is insecure or could not handle it if you were to get male attention. His behaviour then makes sense that he trusts when you are with family, and with friends who are also in relationships, like his best man, but not outside of this. He calls, and texts when he is out because he needs the reassurance that you are his. He encourages you to see your dad, because he can then relax that you are not in an environment with other men.

I may have it totally wrong, but the lying, discouraging you (rather than encouraging and supporting you to make progress with your social anxiety), and the anger / dismissing / defensiveness are red flags that need to be addressed to move forward. The book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr John Gottman - or even just visiting the Gottman website, is really helpful at explaining why these things lead to disconnection in relationships.

I hope your husband can feel safe enough to engage in a vulnerable conversation about what the fears are that are causing this behaviour - he might not be aware of it himself. Relationships are hard, I hope it works out well for you both xx

You speak a lot about how he is gorgeous, you probably are too!

To me it’s fairly obvious from your thread that the reason you weren’t invited to the big Christmas party is the eating. If it’s a sit down meal and you have to sit there at a table and not eat for three courses then he probably thinks it will be awkward. Realistically, it will be. Which is sad as people should be more open and understanding about eating disorders. This is his place of work and he probably doesn’t want to be a topic of conversation. Which because that is not nice is why he didn’t tell you.

Sorry you are feeling so down, I am sure you can have a conversation with him and get it in the open.

Sorry, I'm going to be blunt I'm guessing you guys don't have a sex life?

If you can't eat in front of people then I guess you can't get undressed in front of someone?

OP, he lied to you, gaslit you, and then used anger and aggression to silence you.

He's not a great guy if that's the way he treats you.

He is controlling and abusive. He makes you think there's something wrong with you, when clearly it's his own flaws and weaknesses that are the problem.

Exactly!!!! Thank you, yes I'm bothered by the lie and reason and how to get a straight answer. Thanks for taking the time to read it all.

You should have an agony aunt column lol x

You mentioned that you were married abroad… is your marriage definitely legal in the uk? You have a uk marriage certificate?

Could he be ashamed of your ED, you are a size 6/8 how tall are you? Could it be very obvious to
outsiders that you have a ED?

sometimes it is obvious when people are very thin

have you ever sought help for it?

He’s either having it off with someone or because you are socially awkward he feels he would need to baby sit you. Either way you aren’t happy and need to make a decision

Hi, sorry so many questions to answer!
Yes we have a UK marriage certificate and it's all legal etc.
Yes we have a good sex life, I think like most men he would want more but they always do. I am very self conscious and try and hide my body lots but he's used to it.
I'm very short, 5ft to be exact.
I have sought help in the past but nothing ever helped and to keep getting your hopes up only to be crushed is exhausting and soul destroying.

Thank you once again to everyone sharing their stories and insight. Hope you are all well and sending thanks and love x

Yeah, just go back and tell him again that you really would like to go this year.
You might have a bloody great night out and meet some lovely people.
Let us know how it goes!

I haven't read the full thread but am sure there are lots of good tips. One thing I would add is that perhaps he enjoys that one night of socializing he does as an individual. He might resent you wanting to be there especially if you don't do any socializing independently of him or offer any events he could join in with. And yes, to be brutal, he might want a night off from worrying about your ed but be too kind to tell you or possibly to admit it to himself. It sounds as though you love each other. Ask him to talk honestly to you..and mean it when you ask him. Good luck

Good point mamajay

if he doesn’t have friends he can see often he might love the time away from his wife and to be one of the boys

This.

There is something about this post that doesn't sit right, that's why it's attracting so many comments.

I don't believe you're punching, I've go this feeling you're quite the stunner, a super stunner in fact. Your confidence in his love for you shines through, his apparent lack of needing to go out and keep you both indoors together, sounds like romantic bliss on one hand, he treats you like a queen.

Yet this strange incongruence of not wanting you to attend social events with him. Yes it could be his insecurites, or something more devious such as other women but I don't think so at this stage in his life.
I know you wish to excuse this on your ED, something which excuses him yet still wrapping this up as care, but I think it is more of a control situation.

You may think this rude but I think he is a controlling manipulative man, you won't believe this at this young age but this is prime behaviour for the insiduous training of an empath, the golden period where you are cherished. These sorts of men like to sabotage your life, your dreams, your hopes, your friendships, your independance so you remain tied to them and be dependant.

I don't think he is thinking about your welfare at all.

This is NOT normal . He is ashamed of you or your lack of social comfort, or he’s lied to colleagues / friends about you , and / or is having an affair. I can’t think of any other reason so it would be a deal-breaker for me. How can you carry on now you’ve realised what’s going on ??

OP, is your DH in the Armed Forces?

if he is, and it’s a mess function you’re talking about, you would find it very difficult with an ED. He’s probably trying to protect you, it’s not necessarily an easy environment to be in if you’re of a sensitive disposition.

You say you used to enjoy going out, when did this start to stop?

What would happen if you just said I’d love a good night out, I’m coming along? I think the answer would be telling.

There does seem to be a strange dynamic going on here. I too get the impression that he’s not better looking than you - I think you’re beautiful too, but it’s the same distorted mirror that’s telling you a size 6-8 is overweight.

There's some weird stuff going on in your posts @Gymtanlaundry

How can you be married to someone so handsome if you feel inferior?
What I mean is, you've been married for 7 years yet you feel you don't deserve him. 'Out of your league' you say. How does that make you feel say to day?

Why do you call the other women Wags?
Are they all married to footballers ?

And after 7 years together you've met only one of his friends.

Really?

You've put up with being sidelined all that time?

Unless it is the same woman turning up with him

My god darling you are worth so much more than that believe in yourself he should want to have you on his arm and be proud of you you deserve more big hugs sweetie xxx