I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

Is he using cocaine (or another drug) on the sly? I only ask as I am reminded of my own antics before I cleaned myself up.

Honestly, if this is really how it is, then you should get the hell out of this marriage.

It's not making you happy.

Being with a man who appears to be ashamed of you for whatever reason is not way to live.

If he won't end it, you need to.

Sorry.

I have not read everything but wanted to add. I sometimes find it hard when DH comes to work events with me. I feel I have to stick with him all evening. His anxious in social situations and finds meeting new people hard. I am the opposite and will chat to anyone and love a party. When it's my company stuff, I find it less enjoyable when I'm worrying about how he is coping. However, he does still come to some things, especially the big thing like the work charity balls, and family days.
I hope you get it sorted but wondering if this is why his reluctant to take you?

I doesn't matter what the reasons are, he could be gay, he could be a serial bigamist, a coke head, an adulterer...

For one night of the year he is not prepared to suck up whatever his reluctance is to take her to an event he has puposely lied about to keep her from going, and then dug in after his lies were exposed and still will not take her.

One night, in a year.
No love, it's wrong and don't let him convince you otherwise.

I think you're right a frank discussion does need to be had and alot of the comments on here have given me important things to ask, not only him but myself. I really struggle with trust as I value honesty above everything, he has told white lies in the past which I really struggled with and it made rebuilding trust hard. He knows I don't lie because I'm so awful at it, it's written all over my face when I fib.
I just want tolve forward but can't see a way how to at the moment. We still have not spoken at this point, he tried to brush it all under the carpet and make jokes this morning but I did not respond xxx

I hope not, I don't see any evidence of drug use although I'm not very knowledgeable on drugs, I know some of his friends use heavily. He does earn alot of money that does seem to be all gone by the end of the month. However he is a fitness fanatic, this is why he doesn't really drink, he likes to live 'clean' so drugs wouldn't really fit in with this. Well done for getting clean! Wish I had your will power and strength xxx

Don't be sorry, all opinions and view points are valued and welcome.
I genuinely hope it doesn't come to this, I love him with all my heart, I want to fix this as it's the only bump (all be it quite a big one) we've come across. Xx

Initially I thought he was having an affair then I thought maybe it’s a multiple personalities situation. His home personality and his work personality, maybe he’s completely different at work and he doesn’t want you to see that side of him... or doesn’t want his collegues to see his home life.
I have a few people like that at work.
just a thought..

Totally agree. I used to hate going to my DH's work dos.

I had a boss who was besotted with his wife. Talked about her endlessly in the office. He never brought her to a work event, because he wanted to get shit faced and chat crap with colleagues.

He could be ever so slightly flirty but only in terms in banter. No touching, kissing, or anything like that.

He adored his family, his children and his work and he saw his work events as a chance to let his hair down.

No affair, he wasn't gay, he wasn't ashamed of her, and he always went back to her at the end of the night. Come Monday morning he would have a story to tell about what they did the rest of the weekend.

She was/is the love of his life.

I did meet her a couple of times but not at work events. He had a house warming party and she was a plus one at a wedding we were both invited to.

I don't know if that helps or not but I've definitely seen a totally besotted family guy still prefer to have a damn good night out without his wife and the only thing it meant was he could get pretty drunk, be a bit stupid and not have to 'babysit' nor deal with any eye rolling.

When anyone would say 'oh are you bringing your wife to the Christmas party?' His response was always 'hell no! It's my night to get leathered'.

Maybe a difference though, his wife was equally the same and he'd often have to rush home because 'wife's on a night out tonight and I have to get back for the kids'.

Anyway, there you go. I've seen it on the flip side :-) and there was no big secret to it.

Thank you for this and I wish it was this way, when I first brought it up he said he wished I could see the truth as he talks about me non stop to them and I know he posts about me on his socials and always says wonderful things.

The only issue is the "boys night" lie, I will admit sometimes he does panick and lie, I know that sounds odd but I've caught him out on it before, it's an odd almost child like thing he does. His dad lies constantly about everything so I think it's just cos he's witnessed it so much. Cheers for the positive spin xx

@staciea31 such kind words, thank you so much! Sending love back x

You are so welcome sweetheart sending all my love and remember your a fierce woman and should be shown off you deserve the world xxx

Yes he's hiding something from you definately

It does seem very odd. I wonder whether the solution is possibly the other way round, that is he doesn't want you going to office parties because he is afraid someone will try to pick you up?

Has he been married before? I wonder whether there is an ex around and he doesn't want the two of you to meet?

You could say you'd like to go to the Christmas party because you want to be there to support him and meet the other WAGs. Alternatively, you could say nothing and just appear (unless you need a security pass to get in).

Talking of "security", if he is working in an area where there are clandestine activities, it's possible that he doesn't want you dragged into that, either for your protection, or he might feel that it is risky.

There are so many unknowns. You need to decide what you want, what you are content with, and what you would be happy with... these could be very different things from what you have now. Good luck. Don't get taken for granted.

God this is so so sad; this man lies to you, doesn’t want to be seen in public with you and here you are giving it but I love him and he treats me like a queen. No , sweetie, treating you like a queen is not lying to you and not wishing to be seen in public with you.

it’s been years. And he’s still lying. Still not wanting to socialise with you, he seen with you. He’s gaslighting you and trying to say it is your fault, in your head. It’s not.you know it’s not. But you’re trying to make it your fault and posting like a love sick teen, honestly it’s so disturbing to read.

People are defensive when they are hiding something.

we can’t know what he’s hiding because he’s determined you shouldn’t find out.

it could be nothing but it could be something.

id be inclined to dress up and go in a taxi to the do, wherever it is happening and perhaps put a wig on and some very tall heels. You want to observe him freely while not being seen yourself.

or just hire a private investigator. Or get a friend to go along and sit in a car outside and watch and then accidentally gate crash and observe him for a few mins.

as I always say on here, trust your instinct. Something is up and you need to know the truth.

not sure there’s much point cornering him further. It sounds like he’s a serial liar like his dad.

Sorry if this has already been asked but you said he encourages you to spend your days off with your dad. Does that mean days when he is then on his own and free to do his own thing?

If so it could be he is freeing up time for something you’re not aware of.

You sound like such a lovely person, your responses here are a credit to you OP.

Interesting OP you mentioned his friends use drugs heavy and your husband doesn’t have much money at the end of the month. Would you have a problem if your husband did use drugs at parties? You say he drives but maybe he’s doesn’t drink but he does drugs or maybe it’s your eating disorder however he shouldn’t lie and I am not sure why you are so scared to ask why did you lie?

Hi @ToFindNewWays thank you, reading my responses I think I sound quite weak and it's embarrassing to realise all your own faults.

If we have a day off together, we spend it together, often doing mundane things like the gym and shopping, we wouldn't go out for an evening out together though and we wouldn't meet up with other people.

If im off and he's working he likes me to try and get out, often encouraging me to go to the gym or visit my father. He's not a massive fan of my best friend, he thinks she's quite patronising towards me, which to be honest she is but she has a good heart and means well x

You don’t sound weak. You sound like you’ve such low self esteem you’d take it just to be with him. that you’re unable to have an equal relationship with him. You will sit hidden in the shadows. Not push top hard. Let him lie to your face and you know it. And try to pretend he isn’t. Like if you tell yourself enough maybe , just maybe, it will be true, that he doesn’t treat you terribly. That you can pretend to yourself it’s ok.

Im not really against drugs, if we went out and he wanted to take something then that's his choice, he's an adult. I think though he has seen alot of his friends casual use spiral into something more problematic and this puts him off. I don't use or take anything as you can tell with my ED Ive got enough on my plate without adding that to the mix.

I'm scared to ask for two reasons mainly-

1. He's very good at talking himself out of a tight spot and I don't want him to pull the wool over my eyes and me to just forgive him and go back to the way things were.

1. If I push him or question him he can get angry, never physical or violent but he goes on the verbal attack and will blame everything on my ED, Im avoiding the huge argument, I tend to cry and shut down and go silent. He says I can be very cold.

Xxx

Op I know you are ignoring the posts telling you he is abusive and controlling. But you are scared to talk to him, you know he lies and manipulates you, and he will verbally attack you when he wants to shut you down - using your vulnerability as a weapon against you. And then when you freeze (a perfectly normal response to being attacked) he accuses you of being cold.

This isn't good OP. He's not a good person.

Yeah, you got yourself an abusive one. With your vulnerabilities, you were an easy target.

Don’t forget that he doesn’t like her best / only friend and encourages OP to do ‘approved’ activities rather than see her on her days off.

This is really chilling, OP. You are terribly vulnerable and he does not sound like a good man.