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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I wait awhile to go get my stuff?

208 replies

ElderberrySuper8832 · 27/10/2022 23:19

I was seeing this guy we met on a dating app in July. We texted for a while and at the end of August, we went on our first date. After the first date (we met at Starbucks and then we went to a park and out to eat) I started going to his house on a weekly basis once a week. This went on for a month we cuddled and watched movies together and had sex. I brought him food and we cooked together once. And also brought him dinner once. At one point he even told me to forget about other men. And he was actually talking about how we were going to do things together. At the end of September, he told me he didn't want to date even though he thought he wanted to and that he doesn't have time for anything. And that he's busy and preoccupied with work. He said he was sorry and that he knew it wasn't fair to me. I went off on him because I was so upset. And I left his underwear on his porch. I did apologize to him via voicemail.

I was in a car accident last week and I called him because I was really scared. We talked and he told me I'd be fine (I was worried that something bad was going to happen) as long as I was ok. I told him I was going to pick up some things I left at his house. He said he left them on the porch I went over there to pick them up. But I couldn't do it so I just drove off.

I haven't talked to him since Sunday when I asked him if I could borrow one of his books. He said he doesn't let people borrow anything from him. I really wish we could at least be friends because talking to him helps me. I feel so comfortable with him and this is all difficult for me. I know we haven't known each other for that long though. I think if I hadn't of went off on him things wouldn't be like this. He's not my ex because we were never actually together.

Even though he doesn't want to date I would like for us to be friends. I've started talking to other men on FB dating. I have already apologized via voicemail.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/11/2022 13:42

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:30

He doesn't know if I'm going to have sex with him or not. We usually sit on opposite ends of the couch. And if I want him to touch me I initiate it. He never forces himself on me. We also talk about his health issues. I just don't get why everyone is bashing me about this situation. Yeah, ok I shouldn't clean that was only a one-time thing. Because the house was messy. But if I like his company and I see an issue with me seeing him. Especially when I am not talking to a new guy. I am going out with him next weekend and see how things go.

Yeah, right, how many times have you gone over (since you've started having sex with him) and not had sex with him? Of course he knows he's going to get laid when you come over.

category12 · 06/11/2022 13:44

He even said that he would never reject me.

But he did reject you, he said he doesn't want to date you.

You started off wanting to date the guy, and now you're just going round for sex.

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2022 13:46

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:58

When I went over there he didn't say anything about me taking my stuff. The door was open and I walked in and started cleaning up because the house was messy. We talked he told me about how things were going for him at work. We talked about him going to the doctor to get a checkup due to medical reasons. Because he hasn't been in years. We watched a movie, and yes we did have sex. I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Hence the reason why I am now talking to other men. But just because I go out on a date with another guy doesn't mean I can't still talk to this guy.

OFGS.

Perfect opportunity to get your stuff.
What the hell did you think you were doing tidying up his place?

And if you want casual sex then you do you. But your whole OP was clear that you want more than he does.

Also, if you're not even going to pretend to listen to people, stop wasting their time

LifeExperience · 06/11/2022 13:51

The only relationship he wants with you is occasional, no-strings sex. He doesn't want to date you and he doesn't want to be friends with you. It doesn't matter that you want to be friends. It takes two people to establish and maintain a friendship, and he has made it abundantly clear by his actions that he's not interested. Move on. Obsessing about a man who isn't interested in you isn't good for your mental health.

viques · 06/11/2022 13:53

Just pick up your stuff. Stop being such a precious princess.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 14:01

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2022 13:46

OFGS.

Perfect opportunity to get your stuff.
What the hell did you think you were doing tidying up his place?

And if you want casual sex then you do you. But your whole OP was clear that you want more than he does.

Also, if you're not even going to pretend to listen to people, stop wasting their time

All I did was sweep why is that a big deal? The house was a mess.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 14:10

Should I meet up with the new guy? He said he has high hopes for us. And that he thinks he and I will have a good connection in person.

OP posts:
Donepaying · 06/11/2022 14:14

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 14:10

Should I meet up with the new guy? He said he has high hopes for us. And that he thinks he and I will have a good connection in person.

Yip , go meet him , shag his brains out , live happy ever after , end of story , end of thread hopefully

JorisBonson · 06/11/2022 14:16

I've stopped believing this is real now.

category12 · 06/11/2022 14:17

Yes, go on a date with the new guy, but don't buy into the over the top stuff he's saying.

You haven't even met yet, so high hopes of a connection is just tosh.

It's one date, and however much you've talked online, you don't know each other.

Take all the soft words with a pinch of salt and judge them on their actions.

Motnight · 06/11/2022 14:18

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:02

Yeah, I guess that's why he asked me to come over.

Op. He asked you to come over to have sex with you. The fact that you cleaned up as well is a bonus.

You need to get some self respect. You are worth more.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 14:28

category12 · 06/11/2022 14:17

Yes, go on a date with the new guy, but don't buy into the over the top stuff he's saying.

You haven't even met yet, so high hopes of a connection is just tosh.

It's one date, and however much you've talked online, you don't know each other.

Take all the soft words with a pinch of salt and judge them on their actions.

He said he wants to have a long-term relationship and that he doesn't do one-night stands. But how am I supposed to believe him?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 06/11/2022 14:34

He said he wants to have a long-term relationship and that he doesn't do one-night stands. But how am I supposed to believe him?

Why are you going in a date with a man who you already do not trust?
A man who is banging on about what he wants out of a relationship before he's even met you?
Have you not heard of Future Faking & Love Bombing?
Why is your inner alarm system not ringing bells?

He's a fantasist or a player - "high hopes" indeed! How can he have high hopes or know anything about what kind of "connection" you might establish? HE. DOES. NOT. KNOW. YOU.

Do you have a high need for male validation? Is this why you become so over-invested & intense about men you have had a few dates with, or are going on a date with?

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2022 15:03

Just curious - how old are you?

category12 · 06/11/2022 15:24

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 14:28

He said he wants to have a long-term relationship and that he doesn't do one-night stands. But how am I supposed to believe him?

You're not supposed to believe him. Why would you believe a stranger?

What you do, is you go out with him, get to know him, watch how he treats you, watch how he treats others, avoid rushing into sex if you're the sort of person who gets overly invested too soon (you are that sort of person if this thread is to be believed), pay attention to the way he talks about women and exes.

Trust is something you grow over time. you don't just go "oh he said he wants a long-term relationship, so he must mean now, with me" on the basis of some soft-soaping chit-chat.

AuntieStella · 06/11/2022 16:10

He said he wants to have a long-term relationship and that he doesn't do one-night stands. But how am I supposed to believe him?

a) maybe he does want a proper relationship. But he's giving no sign whatsoever that he wants that to be with you (and that's based on your account, the one that's most likely to be slanted the way you want to see things)

b) he's not happy with one night stands, no reason to doubt his word on that

He might pass a bit of time with you, but he's not building a relationship.

Put you focus on to the other irons you have in the fire. This man is not the one for you.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 16:20

AuntieStella · 06/11/2022 16:10

He said he wants to have a long-term relationship and that he doesn't do one-night stands. But how am I supposed to believe him?

a) maybe he does want a proper relationship. But he's giving no sign whatsoever that he wants that to be with you (and that's based on your account, the one that's most likely to be slanted the way you want to see things)

b) he's not happy with one night stands, no reason to doubt his word on that

He might pass a bit of time with you, but he's not building a relationship.

Put you focus on to the other irons you have in the fire. This man is not the one for you.

I'm talking about a different guy.

OP posts:
Athenaa · 06/11/2022 17:10

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 16:20

I'm talking about a different guy.

No you don’t seem emotionally mature enough to date anyone, and you said you were busy 🙄

drpet49 · 06/11/2022 17:13

JorisBonson · 27/10/2022 23:34

You sound full on. He's not interested.

This. He told you he isn’t interested. Then you keep playing games to keep in touch with him. Just get your stuff and leave him alone.

Athenaa · 06/11/2022 17:24

I’m finding any of this hard to believe. Unless the OP is an inexperienced early 20s-something who’s never had any relationship experience. Even then it’s bizarre.

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 06/11/2022 18:01

You are nuts OP - end of.

mayaknew · 08/11/2022 13:32

OP how old are you both ?

I'm sorry but you were definitely a booty call that last time. He definitely knew you would have sex if you went over.

CousinKrispy · 08/11/2022 13:51

OP, are you happy?

Why have you started (and continued) a thread on here? It suggests to me that you're not happy with the situation. If you felt happy and confident about it, you'd just be getting on with it instead of posting about it on relationships advice board.

momtoboys · 08/11/2022 14:39

I'm so glad I came back to read some more of the comments. This is a wind up or that mind of a mentally unstable person. Kind of sad, actually.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 09/11/2022 15:13

drpet49 · 06/11/2022 17:13

This. He told you he isn’t interested. Then you keep playing games to keep in touch with him. Just get your stuff and leave him alone.

Yeah and then he asked me to come over.

OP posts: