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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I wait awhile to go get my stuff?

208 replies

ElderberrySuper8832 · 27/10/2022 23:19

I was seeing this guy we met on a dating app in July. We texted for a while and at the end of August, we went on our first date. After the first date (we met at Starbucks and then we went to a park and out to eat) I started going to his house on a weekly basis once a week. This went on for a month we cuddled and watched movies together and had sex. I brought him food and we cooked together once. And also brought him dinner once. At one point he even told me to forget about other men. And he was actually talking about how we were going to do things together. At the end of September, he told me he didn't want to date even though he thought he wanted to and that he doesn't have time for anything. And that he's busy and preoccupied with work. He said he was sorry and that he knew it wasn't fair to me. I went off on him because I was so upset. And I left his underwear on his porch. I did apologize to him via voicemail.

I was in a car accident last week and I called him because I was really scared. We talked and he told me I'd be fine (I was worried that something bad was going to happen) as long as I was ok. I told him I was going to pick up some things I left at his house. He said he left them on the porch I went over there to pick them up. But I couldn't do it so I just drove off.

I haven't talked to him since Sunday when I asked him if I could borrow one of his books. He said he doesn't let people borrow anything from him. I really wish we could at least be friends because talking to him helps me. I feel so comfortable with him and this is all difficult for me. I know we haven't known each other for that long though. I think if I hadn't of went off on him things wouldn't be like this. He's not my ex because we were never actually together.

Even though he doesn't want to date I would like for us to be friends. I've started talking to other men on FB dating. I have already apologized via voicemail.

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 28/10/2022 00:48

I think most people would be have a chat with someone if they approached them after an accident, unless there was serious bad blood. It really isn't anything but basic kindness. You're reading into meaningless expressions- 'no problem' doesn't infer any desire to stay in touch, just that he didn't mind speaking after your accident. As anyone wouldn't.

You're hoping for a relationship, be that romantic or friendship, based on one month's dating. People can get under our skin quickly and disproportionately. Its painful but essential to accept in these circumstances that we have got carried away and need to move on. He's ended the dating and shown no interest in friendship.

The stuff at his feels like an unsevered tie, but honestly? It isn't really. If I had dated someone a few times, and he left stuff at mine for longer than we had been seeing each other, I would probably just assume he didn't want it and chuck/ donate it. Do yourself a favour and move on.

Original poster
ElderberrySuper8832 · 28/10/2022 00:59

flutterbyfly · 28/10/2022 00:36

Why are you being so defensive?

You say you don't want to be with him, he obviously doesn't want to be with you either; it's over.

Don't embarrass yourself further.

Having a conversation with a person isn't embarrassing myself. You act like people can't talk or be civil just because things didn't work out between them. And you obviously missed the part where I said I'm talking to other men.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElderberrySuper8832 · 28/10/2022 01:01

hugefanofcheese · 28/10/2022 00:48

I think most people would be have a chat with someone if they approached them after an accident, unless there was serious bad blood. It really isn't anything but basic kindness. You're reading into meaningless expressions- 'no problem' doesn't infer any desire to stay in touch, just that he didn't mind speaking after your accident. As anyone wouldn't.

You're hoping for a relationship, be that romantic or friendship, based on one month's dating. People can get under our skin quickly and disproportionately. Its painful but essential to accept in these circumstances that we have got carried away and need to move on. He's ended the dating and shown no interest in friendship.

The stuff at his feels like an unsevered tie, but honestly? It isn't really. If I had dated someone a few times, and he left stuff at mine for longer than we had been seeing each other, I would probably just assume he didn't want it and chuck/ donate it. Do yourself a favour and move on.

The stuff I left can't be donated it's probably not appropriate for me to say on here.

OP posts:
flutterbyfly · 28/10/2022 01:20

Didn't miss the "part where you were talking to other men" it's just that that seems pretty desperate after starting a thread about this particular man.

It's no skin off my nose what you do, but for your own self preservation maybe don't embarrass yourself further.

ZekeZeke · 28/10/2022 04:06

Leave the guy alone! Block and move on.
Whatever belongings are at his house are obviously not essentials.

You sound way too intense and overly invested in what was basically a few weeks of dating that didn't work out. He isn't your friend he is an ex. Move on!

Rtmhwales · 28/10/2022 04:40

If you've lived without the stuff until now and don't want to pick it up when he's out, I'd just let it go. You really don't need it.

OzziePopPop · 28/10/2022 04:54

You’re clinging to someone who’s been very clear with you that they’re not interested.

This isn’t attractive behaviour.

If you back off totally you will retain your self esteem.

If you cling further you’ll become more of an annoyance.

You cannot force a conversation or friendship.

Oh and pick up your knickers and sex toys asap or he’ll likely bin them, he’s in no way obliged to keep them for you.

Sandman100 · 28/10/2022 04:55

Just move on. He has said his not interested, find someone who is. The more you keep getting in touch the more he is going to blank you. Date other men you will soon get over him and unless your stuff means a lot or is expensive forget about it. Just put it down to a not so nice experience.

pocketvenuss · 28/10/2022 05:08

He spoke with you after your accident because you called him. Are you suggesting that this means that he still likes you? It doesn't. It's just normal when someone calls you, to answer them. That's all.
He said he would leave your stuff on the patio for you to collect. For the love of God woman, he doesn't even want to see you when you pick the stuff up. He want to leave it out and you just swing by and collect it without bothering him.

Sestriere · 28/10/2022 05:10

Yup, let it go. You sound desperate to keep in touch with a former FWB. Not sure why.

Dacadactyl · 28/10/2022 05:20

This is not how a decent man would treat you.

I wouldn't try to be friends with him.

You are coming across as far too full on.

He probably answered the phone after your accident cos he thought you were ringing him to hook up.

If you don't go and get your stuff soon, I suspect he might throw it out (that is what I would do)

Don't let men use you for sex.

Annabananna1 · 28/10/2022 05:21

Rejection is hard to take.
We hate the feeling and want answers or to change their mind.

But you can't. And there's no point trying to stay in touch.

Even though it was only a few weeks it can still hurt. Look after yourself, keep busy, don't dwell on it. You'll move on quicker than you think.

pompomdaisy · 28/10/2022 05:34

It's a recognised pathway to get women on their side when they want sex. He got sex. He then moved on. You need to move on too.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/10/2022 05:44

He doesn't want any sort of relationship with you. Thats why the stuff was left outside.

He has moved on.. no idea what isn't appropriate on mn i have read it all. If it is sex related you went in far too soon.

WokingOrNot · 28/10/2022 05:54

OP, rejection is really hard and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It'll get better. Please listen to everyone and let him go. Don't even bother with the stuff unless they're valuable; it's not worth reopening that wound.
He's not interested in having a relationship or a friendship. He picked up the phone because he wanted to be nice, nothing more. But he didn't want to lend you a book, that's a clear sign he wants to cut ties with you. Do the same, delete his number and forget about him. Contact your other friends or family.

And you're clearly looking for more than FWB, so be clear about that from the start. Don't even consider a second date with anyone who's not looking for a relationship. You're just wasting your time and overinvesting in something that is doomed from the start. Wait a few dates before staying over - not because there's anything wrong with that, but this way you get rid of the guys who'll tell you what you want to hear just to have sex.
Good luck!

emptythelitterbox · 28/10/2022 06:04

I think you just need to go get your things off the porch and forget about him.
When you had the accident, are there not other friends or family members you could call? People that really know you and care about you.

I suggest reading some rad fam dating advice to increase your confidence and self esteem. You seemed to have been bowled over far too easily by a few platitudes spoken by this guy who barely made an effort.

pinkfondu · 28/10/2022 06:26

He's not interested in you. You are dragging out some sort of hope by leaving your sex related items there. Pick them or tell him to throw them away. Delete his number and wait and see how long it takes for him to proactively contact you. Hint he won't!

Aprilx · 28/10/2022 06:52

ElderberrySuper8832 · 28/10/2022 00:20

Did I say anything about him wanting to be with me?

Show quote history

Yes sort of. Everybody reading this can see that you want a relationship with him. If you didn’t you wouldn’t need to talk to him face to face or looking for reasons to engage with him. You need to leave him alone now, I expect he things this is tiresome. I’d be inclined to forget about picking your things up, but if you really need them either ask him to post / drop off in your porch or you pick up from outside his at an agreed time.

alwaysmovingforwards · 28/10/2022 07:03

You had a moment, but that moment has now passed. Move in.

alwaysmovingforwards · 28/10/2022 07:03

I mean move on!

😂

britneyisfree · 28/10/2022 07:11

alwaysmovingforwards · 28/10/2022 07:03

You had a moment, but that moment has now passed. Move in.

Think that's her secret plan

dudsville · 28/10/2022 07:15

You're really not seeing this clearly. You're misreading him.

Remona · 28/10/2022 07:28

ElderberrySuper8832 · 27/10/2022 23:31

No, I am not hoping that he will change his mind.

Show quote history

Yes, you are. It’s clear to us all. It’s absolutely apparent in everything you’ve written.

We’ve all been there. It hurts to be rejected. You cling onto every bit of hope. It’s rubbish, it really is, but please listen to what people are trying to tell you and don’t set yourself up for more hurt.

The leaving your stuff in the porch, the refusal to lend you the book, they show he doesn’t want to see you. You didn’t want to pick your stuff up because you knew that by doing so you had no more excuses to go round.

Set the bar higher next time. Go out for dates. Have fun. Get to know them. Don’t just go round with food and sleep with them and think that it will miraculously turn into a great love story. Believe me, you will look back on this in a few years and absolutely cringe.

Dery · 28/10/2022 07:43

“We’ve all been there. It hurts to be rejected. You cling onto every bit of hope. It’s rubbish, it really is, but please listen to what people are trying to tell you and don’t set yourself up for more hurt.

The leaving your stuff in the porch, the refusal to lend you the book, they show he doesn’t want to see you. You didn’t want to pick your stuff up because you knew that by doing so you had no more excuses to go round.

Set the bar higher next time. Go out for dates. Have fun. Get to know them. Don’t just go round with food and sleep with them and think that it will miraculously turn into a great love story. Believe me, you will look back on this in a few years and absolutely cringe.”

This with bells on. He said what he needed to say to make you feel okay about going round to his for sex rather than going out and properly dating. It would have been fine if you were happy with a FWB arrangement but you clearly wanted more and he was happy to let you think it could be more while it suited him.

Also, you sound a bit vulnerable: was there no-one else you could have called when you had your car accident? Do you have family and friends you can spend time with? At the moment, it doesn’t sound like rushing into something with another guy is necessarily the best course of action.

Name99 · 28/10/2022 09:27

He left your stuff on his porch - he doesn't want to see you
He refused to loan you a book- he doesn't want to see you or be your friend.
Honestly just let it go

Leaving apologies on his voicemail is not good.
It's fizzled out, he doesn't want to be in contact, stop embarrassing yourself OP.