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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I wait awhile to go get my stuff?

208 replies

ElderberrySuper8832 · 27/10/2022 23:19

I was seeing this guy we met on a dating app in July. We texted for a while and at the end of August, we went on our first date. After the first date (we met at Starbucks and then we went to a park and out to eat) I started going to his house on a weekly basis once a week. This went on for a month we cuddled and watched movies together and had sex. I brought him food and we cooked together once. And also brought him dinner once. At one point he even told me to forget about other men. And he was actually talking about how we were going to do things together. At the end of September, he told me he didn't want to date even though he thought he wanted to and that he doesn't have time for anything. And that he's busy and preoccupied with work. He said he was sorry and that he knew it wasn't fair to me. I went off on him because I was so upset. And I left his underwear on his porch. I did apologize to him via voicemail.

I was in a car accident last week and I called him because I was really scared. We talked and he told me I'd be fine (I was worried that something bad was going to happen) as long as I was ok. I told him I was going to pick up some things I left at his house. He said he left them on the porch I went over there to pick them up. But I couldn't do it so I just drove off.

I haven't talked to him since Sunday when I asked him if I could borrow one of his books. He said he doesn't let people borrow anything from him. I really wish we could at least be friends because talking to him helps me. I feel so comfortable with him and this is all difficult for me. I know we haven't known each other for that long though. I think if I hadn't of went off on him things wouldn't be like this. He's not my ex because we were never actually together.

Even though he doesn't want to date I would like for us to be friends. I've started talking to other men on FB dating. I have already apologized via voicemail.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:22

AuntieStella · 04/11/2022 18:20

He left the door open for me to come in. What was I supposed to do just stand outside?

Yes, or just inside the door. Whilst he got your stuff.

If you keep throwing yourself at him, he'll go along with it.

Are you putting anywhere near as much effort into talking to other men as you're putting into this dead end?

Tell us about them

He told me I could sit down does that sound like he was leaving it open for me to get my things?

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:23

The fact that you are asking me if I'm talking to other men. Just shows you aren't reading anything. I've already said three times that I'm going on a date with another guy.

OP posts:
J0CASTA · 04/11/2022 18:26

@ElderberrySuper8832 you say you have school and work. How old are you ?

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:27

Natty13 · 04/11/2022 18:07

Sounds perfect then so what is your issue and why are you posting?

I don't think there is anything wrong it's the people who are on here bashing me.

OP posts:
Halffacts · 04/11/2022 18:31

He doesn’t want a relationship with you. This upset you (at least initially). You didn’t want to get your things from his because you didn’t want to see him. You wrote you’d like to be friends. He then asked you to come over. Despite talking to another guy who’s asked you on a date, you went over, to start cleaning his house watched a film and fucked him.

You say I have a lot going on and I have to focus on other things like work and school but almost seek addicted to the drama.

I’m guessing he’s quite a bit older than you.

Why have you left things in a guys house you’ve known mere weeks?

Name99 · 04/11/2022 18:32

I predict what will happen here is that he is going to hold you back meeting anyone else

You are very keen on him, he has sensed this.

He wants sex only, you think that you can make him develop feelings, if you just wanted a FWB situation you wouldn't be cleaning his house, starting threads about him, messing about waiting to get your stuff back from him.

He will keep you dangling, saying he's just not quite ready for a relationship, breadcrumbing you. You will fall more in love with him, you will put your life on hold not wanting to meet anyone else, then one day he will bin you off when he meets someone he wants to be in a relationship with and you will be heartbroken.

That's your future for the next few years if you keep hanging on for him
Its not the romantic film plot you're imagining
You sound quite young and emotionally immature, protect yourself while you still can

TossieFleacake · 04/11/2022 18:33

Gather up the remains of your self respect and walk away from this user.

You called round to his house to collect your belongings but you ended up cleaning his house and shagging him.

You're a fool.

AuntieDickhead · 04/11/2022 18:33

mothertrucking · 04/11/2022 18:10

Shag him and the other guy.

At the same time? Wink

mothertrucking · 04/11/2022 18:35

@AuntieDickhead most definitely at the same time Wink

Cw112 · 04/11/2022 18:44

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:52

Why is wanting to be friends with benefits wrong? He said he didn't have a problem talking to me when I called him after being in an accident. And yesterday he said he was ok with talking to me when I'm going through things. I know a lot of people are judgemental about casual sex. And that's ok it's not for everyone. Some people like it and some don't but that doesn't make it wrong.

I didn't say fwb is wrong- it works just fine for plenty of people. What I'm saying is that it doesn't appear to be what he wants which means you are both on two different pages. And fwb usually only works when both people are 100%on the same page otherwise 1 person usually ends up getting hurt. I'm not sure how you got that I woke think fwb is wrong from what I wrote...

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:46

Name99 · 04/11/2022 18:32

I predict what will happen here is that he is going to hold you back meeting anyone else

You are very keen on him, he has sensed this.

He wants sex only, you think that you can make him develop feelings, if you just wanted a FWB situation you wouldn't be cleaning his house, starting threads about him, messing about waiting to get your stuff back from him.

He will keep you dangling, saying he's just not quite ready for a relationship, breadcrumbing you. You will fall more in love with him, you will put your life on hold not wanting to meet anyone else, then one day he will bin you off when he meets someone he wants to be in a relationship with and you will be heartbroken.

That's your future for the next few years if you keep hanging on for him
Its not the romantic film plot you're imagining
You sound quite young and emotionally immature, protect yourself while you still can

He said he did not want to date even though he thought he did. And that he doesn't have time for anything. Because he's preoccupied with work. When I apologized to him he told me he wasn't lying when he said he didn't want to date.
This is information that he volunteered I didn't ask him.

I said I like being friends with benefits with him. And yet you are saying that I want a relationship with him. That I think I can change his feelings. When really this isn't the case at all. If that were true why would I be going out on a date with a completely different guy? I wouldn't be talking to someone else who is interested in going out on a date. If I were hoping that this guy would change his mind. I know I can't change his mind and I know he's not going to change his mind. I wouldn't be engaging with another guy if I were hoping this one would change his mind.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:49

The guy that asked me out on a date says he is a hopeless romantic. He said that he's looking for love. Why would I be going out on a date with him. If I wanted this guy to change his mind about being in a relationship? I wouldn't be going out with the new guy if that's the case. But ok thanks, everyone.

OP posts:
flutterbyfly · 04/11/2022 19:02

How old are you?

Cleaning his house, FFS, where is your self-respect?!

lechatnoir · 04/11/2022 19:03

Christ op I've read this entire thread and without exception every single person has told you to pick up your stuff from his porch and move on. You aren't listening to a word anyone has said so I honestly don't know why you bothered posting. He's not interested. Don't call him. Block his number and have some self respect before he calls the police on you

levitybrevity · 04/11/2022 19:05

Why are you even posting? It's not relevant to your OP? You've seen him. You've established a fwb situation which you say suits you both. Why are you still correcting posters and defending your situation. Move on.

Name99 · 04/11/2022 19:05

So if this other guy has asked you on a date why aren't you making arrangements to do this.
Why are you back on mumsnet posting about this guy?

CPL593H · 04/11/2022 19:07

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:27

I don't think there is anything wrong it's the people who are on here bashing me.

OP, you restarted this thread after no one had posted for a week with a short, cryptic comment that you'd seen him again. Why did you do that and what did you expect people to say?

Halffacts · 04/11/2022 19:09

The guy that asked me out on a date says he is a hopeless romantic. He said that he's looking for love

sounds like a great addition to the FWB situation then.

monsteramunch · 04/11/2022 19:11

The guy that asked me out on a date says he is a hopeless romantic. He said that he's looking for love

Don't you think it's pretty harsh to date him then, considering you say:

I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I have a lot going on and I have to focus on other things like work and school. If I can have a fwb situation then I'm ok with that.

Skinnybluebody · 04/11/2022 19:16

CPL593H · 04/11/2022 19:07

OP, you restarted this thread after no one had posted for a week with a short, cryptic comment that you'd seen him again. Why did you do that and what did you expect people to say?

This! Just go on your date quietly and have some self respect. If you were less rude in your retorts, there'd likely have been less bashing!

Goldengoosey · 04/11/2022 20:19

What a complete pile of shite

AlternativelyWired · 04/11/2022 20:20

Good Lord, this is cringeable and I was once just like you. Gather up your dignity and self-respect and get some therapy rather than dating. You're not ready to date.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 22:39

lechatnoir · 04/11/2022 19:03

Christ op I've read this entire thread and without exception every single person has told you to pick up your stuff from his porch and move on. You aren't listening to a word anyone has said so I honestly don't know why you bothered posting. He's not interested. Don't call him. Block his number and have some self respect before he calls the police on you

He's going to call the police on me. After he left the door open for me to come in? Yeah, that makes sense.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/11/2022 22:49

Ha, knew it would be a booty call when you said you'd seen him again.

It's entirely up to you what you do and if you want to go round clean up after him, shag him and be at his disposal, knock yourself out.

But it doesn't scream of self-respect.

It was a vibrator, right?

AuntieStella · 04/11/2022 23:04

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:22

He told me I could sit down does that sound like he was leaving it open for me to get my things?

Just because he said you could, it doesn't mean you should.

You have agency - you can simply say "I'm here to get my things"