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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I wait awhile to go get my stuff?

208 replies

ElderberrySuper8832 · 27/10/2022 23:19

I was seeing this guy we met on a dating app in July. We texted for a while and at the end of August, we went on our first date. After the first date (we met at Starbucks and then we went to a park and out to eat) I started going to his house on a weekly basis once a week. This went on for a month we cuddled and watched movies together and had sex. I brought him food and we cooked together once. And also brought him dinner once. At one point he even told me to forget about other men. And he was actually talking about how we were going to do things together. At the end of September, he told me he didn't want to date even though he thought he wanted to and that he doesn't have time for anything. And that he's busy and preoccupied with work. He said he was sorry and that he knew it wasn't fair to me. I went off on him because I was so upset. And I left his underwear on his porch. I did apologize to him via voicemail.

I was in a car accident last week and I called him because I was really scared. We talked and he told me I'd be fine (I was worried that something bad was going to happen) as long as I was ok. I told him I was going to pick up some things I left at his house. He said he left them on the porch I went over there to pick them up. But I couldn't do it so I just drove off.

I haven't talked to him since Sunday when I asked him if I could borrow one of his books. He said he doesn't let people borrow anything from him. I really wish we could at least be friends because talking to him helps me. I feel so comfortable with him and this is all difficult for me. I know we haven't known each other for that long though. I think if I hadn't of went off on him things wouldn't be like this. He's not my ex because we were never actually together.

Even though he doesn't want to date I would like for us to be friends. I've started talking to other men on FB dating. I have already apologized via voicemail.

OP posts:
NormaTheWife · 04/11/2022 23:08

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:27

I don't think there is anything wrong it's the people who are on here bashing me.

Same thought from me. If all is hunky dory why are you here telling us that?

Opentooffers · 04/11/2022 23:32

It's aparent that if you are resistant to letting go of the friendship side, and he (being an ex) was the person you thought to ring for support after your car accident, you don't have any or enough supportive people you know in your life. Maybe work on that, build platonic friendships, reconnect with family if you can.
Whatever you do, don't seek sole support from a man you are dating, it leaves you on thin ice and you will get poor quality, very conditional help, plus its going to hurt all the more whenever you lose the friendship side along with the relationship.
Any reason he couldn't have come to you? You described this 'thing' as you doing everything, he just needed to be in at home once a week - too easy.
I think you need the friend, rather than any benefit - in fact you need separate people to fulfill each role.
For a thing that lasted a month, bout time it became history.

flutterbyfly · 04/11/2022 23:59

If nothing is wrong then why the desperation and defensive attitude?!

Knock yourself out cleaning up his house and providing no-strings sex!

BigCheeseSandwich · 05/11/2022 00:37

Move on. You need to take a big step back from this man. And please don’t go on a date with the “hopeless romantic” guy, you’re not in a good place, it’s not fair on him.

Aprilx · 05/11/2022 06:25

It is degrading that you went round to clean and for sex, I find it very sad that you value yourself so little and even worse you don’t even see it. What you have with this person isn’t even FWB because he is not your friend, you are a booty call, nothing else..

If you were happy with being a booty call, you wouldn’t have started the thread and you wouldn’t have resurrected it after a week of no activity. It is patently obvious to everybody that you are hoping for a romantic ending to this and will do whatever it takes to get there. One day you are going to look back and be mortified by how you dealt with this.

NormaTheWife · 05/11/2022 06:41

Surely no one can be this desperate?

AlternativelyWired · 05/11/2022 09:15

Considering this is a first post I'm suspicious. It has all the hallmarks.

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 05/11/2022 16:46

What is with all of the unhinged OPs at the moment?

itsatavern · 05/11/2022 23:40

he doesn’t want you. As friends or partners. Leave him alone, you’re being weirdly intense and making a fool of yourself

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:02

itsatavern · 05/11/2022 23:40

he doesn’t want you. As friends or partners. Leave him alone, you’re being weirdly intense and making a fool of yourself

Yeah, I guess that's why he asked me to come over.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:03

Aprilx · 05/11/2022 06:25

It is degrading that you went round to clean and for sex, I find it very sad that you value yourself so little and even worse you don’t even see it. What you have with this person isn’t even FWB because he is not your friend, you are a booty call, nothing else..

If you were happy with being a booty call, you wouldn’t have started the thread and you wouldn’t have resurrected it after a week of no activity. It is patently obvious to everybody that you are hoping for a romantic ending to this and will do whatever it takes to get there. One day you are going to look back and be mortified by how you dealt with this.

I guess that's why he said he had no problem talking to me when I'm having a difficult time.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:11

category12 · 04/11/2022 22:49

Ha, knew it would be a booty call when you said you'd seen him again.

It's entirely up to you what you do and if you want to go round clean up after him, shag him and be at his disposal, knock yourself out.

But it doesn't scream of self-respect.

It was a vibrator, right?

People, who are friends with benefits don't have any self-respect? I guess this applies to billions of other people in the world.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:12

BigCheeseSandwich · 05/11/2022 00:37

Move on. You need to take a big step back from this man. And please don’t go on a date with the “hopeless romantic” guy, you’re not in a good place, it’s not fair on him.

Yes, I'm going to go out with the other guy soon. I want to meet the other guy in person.

OP posts:
AlternativelyWired · 06/11/2022 13:12

He invited you over knowing that he'd get sex. Bonus for him that you cleaned for him. He's using you and knows that by being nice to you and chatting on the phone etc that he'll get what he wants. Free sex, free cleaning. He's got it made. Or should that be maid?

OutDamnedSpot · 06/11/2022 13:21

Why are you twisting what posters say? It’s really bizarre.

No one has said it’s wrong to have ‘friends with benefits’. No one.

We have said that this relationship doesn’t sound healthy. He has told you he’s not interested. By pursuing him, you’re ignoring his wishes, and putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

itsatavern · 06/11/2022 13:24

I’m so embarrassed for you 🤦🏾‍♀️

KettrickenSmiled · 06/11/2022 13:29

ElderberrySuper8832 · 27/10/2022 23:52

He's the one who was telling me to forget about other men.

& that didn't strike you as a giant red flag?
Just reading that phrase gives me the shudders. So controlling, so bossy, so arrogant. Really NOT the way to introduce the 'exclusive?' talk.

He was also the one who sat back while you did all the running.
Going to his house, bringing him food ... did he ever take you out on a date?
YOU thought you were dating. HE was treating you as a booty call. Who also fed him.

He's not your friend - he's a user.
Forget about him, & please do some work on your boundaries. Men who don't make any effort for you are never a good bet.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:30

AlternativelyWired · 06/11/2022 13:12

He invited you over knowing that he'd get sex. Bonus for him that you cleaned for him. He's using you and knows that by being nice to you and chatting on the phone etc that he'll get what he wants. Free sex, free cleaning. He's got it made. Or should that be maid?

He doesn't know if I'm going to have sex with him or not. We usually sit on opposite ends of the couch. And if I want him to touch me I initiate it. He never forces himself on me. We also talk about his health issues. I just don't get why everyone is bashing me about this situation. Yeah, ok I shouldn't clean that was only a one-time thing. Because the house was messy. But if I like his company and I see an issue with me seeing him. Especially when I am not talking to a new guy. I am going out with him next weekend and see how things go.

OP posts:
blisstwins · 06/11/2022 13:31

People are not being unkind to you. You did not go into this wanting to be friends with benefits. You have just shown you are willing to settle for anything and give sex, food, and cleaning services. It’s a bad deal for yiu and you cannot see it. I think posters are being kind in wanting more for yiu than you want for yourself.

KettrickenSmiled · 06/11/2022 13:32

He didn't seem to have an issue with me calling him when I was in the accident. Why was it wrong that I called him? I really don't see why that was a problem. I even thanked him for talking to me and he said no problem.

You really can't see this?
You chose to ring a man you'd known for a few weeks, who had already finished with you, as your first port of call? Why? Why would you not phone a friend or relative?

KettrickenSmiled · 06/11/2022 13:33

And I left his underwear on his porch.

WTF? 😂😂😂
Is this a Thing? Will I see it in Urban Dictionary?

KettrickenSmiled · 06/11/2022 13:36

He's treating me like a nuisance ex-stalker? I guess that's why he asked me to come over. Ok.

He asked you to come over because he knows - from past experience - that you will meekly respond to his booty call & he need offer zero effort in return.
Did you bring him food this time too?

Name99 · 06/11/2022 13:39

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:30

He doesn't know if I'm going to have sex with him or not. We usually sit on opposite ends of the couch. And if I want him to touch me I initiate it. He never forces himself on me. We also talk about his health issues. I just don't get why everyone is bashing me about this situation. Yeah, ok I shouldn't clean that was only a one-time thing. Because the house was messy. But if I like his company and I see an issue with me seeing him. Especially when I am not talking to a new guy. I am going out with him next weekend and see how things go.

He never forces himself on you, apart from the time he was feeling you up and you pushed him off
Ok then

KettrickenSmiled · 06/11/2022 13:41

He said he did not want to date even though he thought he did. And that he doesn't have time for anything. Because he's preoccupied with work. When I apologized to him he told me he wasn't lying when he said he didn't want to date.
This is information that he volunteered I didn't ask him.

I said I like being friends with benefits with him. And yet you are saying that I want a relationship with him. That I think I can change his feelings. When really this isn't the case at all. If that were true why would I be going out on a date with a completely different guy? I wouldn't be talking to someone else who is interested in going out on a date. If I were hoping that this guy would change his mind. I know I can't change his mind and I know he's not going to change his mind. I wouldn't be engaging with another guy if I were hoping this one would change his mind.

Well everything has worked out perfectly for you then hasn't it?
Remind us all again why you were posting?

ElderberrySuper8832 · 06/11/2022 13:41

blisstwins · 06/11/2022 13:31

People are not being unkind to you. You did not go into this wanting to be friends with benefits. You have just shown you are willing to settle for anything and give sex, food, and cleaning services. It’s a bad deal for yiu and you cannot see it. I think posters are being kind in wanting more for yiu than you want for yourself.

This isn't true I actually told him that I liked the friendly dynamic between us. And when I told him about the situation I had with other men in the past. He was telling me to forget about those other men. And was saying how he and I were going to do certain things together in the future. He even said that he would never reject me.

OP posts: