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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I wait awhile to go get my stuff?

208 replies

ElderberrySuper8832 · 27/10/2022 23:19

I was seeing this guy we met on a dating app in July. We texted for a while and at the end of August, we went on our first date. After the first date (we met at Starbucks and then we went to a park and out to eat) I started going to his house on a weekly basis once a week. This went on for a month we cuddled and watched movies together and had sex. I brought him food and we cooked together once. And also brought him dinner once. At one point he even told me to forget about other men. And he was actually talking about how we were going to do things together. At the end of September, he told me he didn't want to date even though he thought he wanted to and that he doesn't have time for anything. And that he's busy and preoccupied with work. He said he was sorry and that he knew it wasn't fair to me. I went off on him because I was so upset. And I left his underwear on his porch. I did apologize to him via voicemail.

I was in a car accident last week and I called him because I was really scared. We talked and he told me I'd be fine (I was worried that something bad was going to happen) as long as I was ok. I told him I was going to pick up some things I left at his house. He said he left them on the porch I went over there to pick them up. But I couldn't do it so I just drove off.

I haven't talked to him since Sunday when I asked him if I could borrow one of his books. He said he doesn't let people borrow anything from him. I really wish we could at least be friends because talking to him helps me. I feel so comfortable with him and this is all difficult for me. I know we haven't known each other for that long though. I think if I hadn't of went off on him things wouldn't be like this. He's not my ex because we were never actually together.

Even though he doesn't want to date I would like for us to be friends. I've started talking to other men on FB dating. I have already apologized via voicemail.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 04/11/2022 17:33

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:21

I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I have a lot going on and I have to focus on other things like work and school. If I can have a fwb situation then I'm ok with that. Yes, initially I was upset because he acted as if he wanted to be in a relationship. And I just wish he would have told me upfront that he wasn't looking for that. I'm not sure why people here keep saying he doesn't want a relationship like I don't understand that. I mean I'm not illiterate I get it he doesn't want a relationship.

He's been married before for three years and ended up getting a divorce. I can understand why he may not want to be in a relationship after going through that. But as I've already mentioned I am currently talking to a different guy who has asked me out on a date.

You say you want nothing from him other than being friends... but then you say you would like to be fwb and I think that's where people are thinking you are still a little invested. To be honest op I think you're prolonging the hurt and let down of this much longer than you need to and that can't feel nice for you at all. If he wanted to be your friend he would say that he wants to be your friend and he would have done it within the last month, but he won't lend you anything and has asked you to take your stuff from his porch which are very clear signs that he would like to move on without friendship. He wasn't even for meeting you to give things to you. If it were me, I'd cut my losses and get a friend to go collect my box of things from his porch if I couldn't face it and just leave it alone. Its clear from this thread that it's not really serving you to continue this and you mentioned earlier that you find talking to him helps you? Can I ask in what way? It sounds a bit like you need to find that help from somewhere else like a good friend or family member who's going to stick around and be consistent for you because you deserve to be with and around people who want to be with and around you.

HappyToSmile · 04/11/2022 17:37

Go out on a date with the other guy.
Forget about the first chap. If you want your stuff back, ask him to leave it out and just pick it up. He does not want to be friends with you, he has made that quite clear.

Gazelda · 04/11/2022 17:38

OP, I really hope you click with this other guy. Or the next. Or you decide to have some single time.

But whatever you do, I urge you to forget about this one. He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want FWB. He doesn't want friendship.

And you deserve to feel wanted.

This isn't the one for you.

TheOtherWoman2 · 04/11/2022 17:39

get your stuff and forget him

Name99 · 04/11/2022 17:40

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:05

Again who cares about him not wanting to date? I'm not talking about us dating. I don't understand why people are still on that.

So he wanted a shag?

OutDamnedSpot · 04/11/2022 17:47

How did it go when you saw him today? Did you get your stuff?

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:52

Cw112 · 04/11/2022 17:33

You say you want nothing from him other than being friends... but then you say you would like to be fwb and I think that's where people are thinking you are still a little invested. To be honest op I think you're prolonging the hurt and let down of this much longer than you need to and that can't feel nice for you at all. If he wanted to be your friend he would say that he wants to be your friend and he would have done it within the last month, but he won't lend you anything and has asked you to take your stuff from his porch which are very clear signs that he would like to move on without friendship. He wasn't even for meeting you to give things to you. If it were me, I'd cut my losses and get a friend to go collect my box of things from his porch if I couldn't face it and just leave it alone. Its clear from this thread that it's not really serving you to continue this and you mentioned earlier that you find talking to him helps you? Can I ask in what way? It sounds a bit like you need to find that help from somewhere else like a good friend or family member who's going to stick around and be consistent for you because you deserve to be with and around people who want to be with and around you.

Why is wanting to be friends with benefits wrong? He said he didn't have a problem talking to me when I called him after being in an accident. And yesterday he said he was ok with talking to me when I'm going through things. I know a lot of people are judgemental about casual sex. And that's ok it's not for everyone. Some people like it and some don't but that doesn't make it wrong.

OP posts:
Donepaying · 04/11/2022 17:56

OP I say this with kindness - are you ready to be dating anyone ? You seem to have a skewed view of relationships/ dating / talking/ sex and not reading his very obvious message to you

Do you come across quite intense when first chatting online ? Do you have other interests / hobbies /

You don't seem to like some of the responses you have had and are quite defensive? Is that how you come across IRL?

Maybe take some time off the apps , concentrate on you 💐

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:58

OutDamnedSpot · 04/11/2022 17:47

How did it go when you saw him today? Did you get your stuff?

When I went over there he didn't say anything about me taking my stuff. The door was open and I walked in and started cleaning up because the house was messy. We talked he told me about how things were going for him at work. We talked about him going to the doctor to get a checkup due to medical reasons. Because he hasn't been in years. We watched a movie, and yes we did have sex. I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Hence the reason why I am now talking to other men. But just because I go out on a date with another guy doesn't mean I can't still talk to this guy.

OP posts:
brd20 · 04/11/2022 18:05

Do you have other friends (particularly nearby)? Where do most of your close friends live?

I think it may be better for you if you focused more on your other friends for the time being. If the reason you want to be friends with him is that you dont have any other friends, I'd suggest getting involved in acitivities where you could make friends.

If I was in his shoes I would find it weird if someone I saw casually for a very brief time called me after an accident and not their parents or other friends. I'd then also think them wanting to borrow a book was just an excuse and what you really wanted was a shag or to get back together. Obviously you are saying thats not what you want, but thats how it may come across to him. I'd also find it extremely odd if they asked for their things back but then didnt pick them up outside my house. If I insisted on leaving them out rather than seeing them in person, there'd be a reason for that too, i.e. I didnt want to see them.

TossieFleacake · 04/11/2022 18:07

@ElderberrySuper8832

  1. No-one on this whole thread has been judgemental about casual sex ... posters have expressed concern about becoming fwb with this particular man because it seems like he could hurt you.

  2. You say that you 'walked into his house and started cleaning up because it was messy' ... why would you do this to a man you barely know and who IS NOT INTERESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

  3. Set some personal boundaries... if you don't understand what I mean by this, get some personal therapy.

  4. Tone down your aggression. You posted on a public forum asking for advice and you have been rude to the posters who are trying to help. If you are this aggressive in real life then I should imagine that finding a long term partner will become a long term project for you.

ladydimitrescu · 04/11/2022 18:07

What a mess.

Natty13 · 04/11/2022 18:07

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:58

When I went over there he didn't say anything about me taking my stuff. The door was open and I walked in and started cleaning up because the house was messy. We talked he told me about how things were going for him at work. We talked about him going to the doctor to get a checkup due to medical reasons. Because he hasn't been in years. We watched a movie, and yes we did have sex. I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Hence the reason why I am now talking to other men. But just because I go out on a date with another guy doesn't mean I can't still talk to this guy.

Sounds perfect then so what is your issue and why are you posting?

OutDamnedSpot · 04/11/2022 18:09

I don’t think anyone is questioning whether it’s okay to have sex outside a relationship. We’re more querying why you’re pushing for a relationship (or even a friendship) with someone who’s said they don’t want one with you.

Sex outside relationship = fine.
Pressuring someone into a relationship = not fine.
Taking advantage of someone vulnerable = not fine.

mothertrucking · 04/11/2022 18:10

Shag him and the other guy.

40andfit · 04/11/2022 18:11

He doesn’t want a relationship with you that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a relationship with someone else.

Why were you tidying up his house?

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:13

TossieFleacake · 04/11/2022 18:07

@ElderberrySuper8832

  1. No-one on this whole thread has been judgemental about casual sex ... posters have expressed concern about becoming fwb with this particular man because it seems like he could hurt you.

  2. You say that you 'walked into his house and started cleaning up because it was messy' ... why would you do this to a man you barely know and who IS NOT INTERESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

  3. Set some personal boundaries... if you don't understand what I mean by this, get some personal therapy.

  4. Tone down your aggression. You posted on a public forum asking for advice and you have been rude to the posters who are trying to help. If you are this aggressive in real life then I should imagine that finding a long term partner will become a long term project for you.

He left the door open for me to come in. What was I supposed to do just stand outside? The house was a complete mess there was stuff everywhere all over the floor. What does his not wanting to be in a relationship have to do with me helping him clean?

He works a lot and doesn't really feel like cleaning when he gets home. He was washing the dishes and I helped him clean. I would do the same thing for a friend. Like really?

OP posts:
CPL593H · 04/11/2022 18:14

Put simply OP, having strings free sex (on his terms) with someone who you want to be in a relationship with is a very bad idea and the only person who will get hurt is you.

flutterbyfly · 04/11/2022 18:15

How often do you clean your female friends' houses then?!

He's making a mug out of you.

CPL593H · 04/11/2022 18:16

I've just seen the cleaning up after him post. Respect yourself more than he does. It wouldn't be hard.

momtoboys · 04/11/2022 18:18

Don't worry about seeming desperate. Soon enough he will completely cut you off. He won't answer your calls, invite you over to clean and be his friend.

DeliberatelyObtuse · 04/11/2022 18:19

He's playing you, I guarantee it

Walk away from this mess taking your dignity with you

He's a head fuck

This will not end well for you

AuntieStella · 04/11/2022 18:20

He left the door open for me to come in. What was I supposed to do just stand outside?

Yes, or just inside the door. Whilst he got your stuff.

If you keep throwing yourself at him, he'll go along with it.

Are you putting anywhere near as much effort into talking to other men as you're putting into this dead end?

Tell us about them

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 18:21

momtoboys · 04/11/2022 18:18

Don't worry about seeming desperate. Soon enough he will completely cut you off. He won't answer your calls, invite you over to clean and be his friend.

I didn't know you were a psychic and could tell the future. How do you know what he will do? Do you know him personally?

OP posts:
Halffacts · 04/11/2022 18:22

OP how old are you? Are you quite young?