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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I wait awhile to go get my stuff?

208 replies

ElderberrySuper8832 · 27/10/2022 23:19

I was seeing this guy we met on a dating app in July. We texted for a while and at the end of August, we went on our first date. After the first date (we met at Starbucks and then we went to a park and out to eat) I started going to his house on a weekly basis once a week. This went on for a month we cuddled and watched movies together and had sex. I brought him food and we cooked together once. And also brought him dinner once. At one point he even told me to forget about other men. And he was actually talking about how we were going to do things together. At the end of September, he told me he didn't want to date even though he thought he wanted to and that he doesn't have time for anything. And that he's busy and preoccupied with work. He said he was sorry and that he knew it wasn't fair to me. I went off on him because I was so upset. And I left his underwear on his porch. I did apologize to him via voicemail.

I was in a car accident last week and I called him because I was really scared. We talked and he told me I'd be fine (I was worried that something bad was going to happen) as long as I was ok. I told him I was going to pick up some things I left at his house. He said he left them on the porch I went over there to pick them up. But I couldn't do it so I just drove off.

I haven't talked to him since Sunday when I asked him if I could borrow one of his books. He said he doesn't let people borrow anything from him. I really wish we could at least be friends because talking to him helps me. I feel so comfortable with him and this is all difficult for me. I know we haven't known each other for that long though. I think if I hadn't of went off on him things wouldn't be like this. He's not my ex because we were never actually together.

Even though he doesn't want to date I would like for us to be friends. I've started talking to other men on FB dating. I have already apologized via voicemail.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 28/10/2022 09:44

Name99 · 28/10/2022 09:27

He left your stuff on his porch - he doesn't want to see you
He refused to loan you a book- he doesn't want to see you or be your friend.
Honestly just let it go

Leaving apologies on his voicemail is not good.
It's fizzled out, he doesn't want to be in contact, stop embarrassing yourself OP.

This. Of course people can remain friends, but not in this instance. Just get your stuff and leave him alone.

Frostine · 28/10/2022 09:53

Having your stuff at his house is probably an inconvenience for him. Go pick it up.
Leave him alone for a couple of weeks , then maybe ask him if he fancies a coffee , meet up as friends ( don't mention the past ) just be bright and breezy . If there is a chance of a relationship he might see it and suggest another meet up . If not , you have your answer.

Dacadactyl · 28/10/2022 12:54

Frostine · 28/10/2022 09:53

Having your stuff at his house is probably an inconvenience for him. Go pick it up.
Leave him alone for a couple of weeks , then maybe ask him if he fancies a coffee , meet up as friends ( don't mention the past ) just be bright and breezy . If there is a chance of a relationship he might see it and suggest another meet up . If not , you have your answer.

Don't contact him ever again would be my advice. You are still hung up on him and will end up back in his bed, but not on his arm where you want to be.

I really wouldnt contact him again.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/10/2022 14:29

Leave him alone, he's told you he's not interested and you're making any excuse to contact him, can't believe you asked him to borrow a book?!

Just leave him alone, he's made himself clear

Medoca · 28/10/2022 15:23

I think you’re being manipulative. You were ok to see him when you wanted to borrow a book, but he said no, so you’re having a strop and not collecting your things. It’s no skin off his nose if you don’t collect them, he’ll probably bin them soon.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 15:07

I saw him again a couple of days ago.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/11/2022 15:22

He's not interested in friendship, if he were he'd have handed over your stuff himself and had a chat, not left it on the porch.

And you wouldn't have felt unable to go and get it off the porch if you didn't know what it meant. He's treating you like a nuisance or stalker-ex.

Yes, he might have spoken nicely to you when you had a car accident, but that's just because in that situation only really vile people wouldn't be a bit kind.

You can't expect him to hold onto your things forever, it's getting to the stage where I'd bin them if I were him.

RoseAndRose · 04/11/2022 15:27

I'm going to wait a while to get my things I don't want to see him right now

Good idea not to see him.

Have a friend pick up your stuff

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 15:44

category12 · 04/11/2022 15:22

He's not interested in friendship, if he were he'd have handed over your stuff himself and had a chat, not left it on the porch.

And you wouldn't have felt unable to go and get it off the porch if you didn't know what it meant. He's treating you like a nuisance or stalker-ex.

Yes, he might have spoken nicely to you when you had a car accident, but that's just because in that situation only really vile people wouldn't be a bit kind.

You can't expect him to hold onto your things forever, it's getting to the stage where I'd bin them if I were him.

He's treating me like a nuisance ex-stalker? I guess that's why he asked me to come over. Ok.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/11/2022 15:47

Oh sorry, thought your OP was more recent.

Horny, is he?

StarCourt · 04/11/2022 15:54

op you're not going to 'win' on here, at the end of the day you'll do what you do regardless of advice on here.

flutterbyfly · 04/11/2022 15:58

So you contacted him, he asked you over for sex and you jumped at the chance?!

Your lookout, but I don't think he is as into you as you are into him. He's using you and you're letting him, actually chasing it. So, Godspeed, I guess.

Name99 · 04/11/2022 15:59

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 15:44

He's treating me like a nuisance ex-stalker? I guess that's why he asked me to come over. Ok.

Did he declare his undying love and insist he made a mistake in not wanting to date you ?

cestlavielife · 04/11/2022 16:00

Forget your stuff.what is it anyway?
Replace with new stuff.
Move on.

category12 · 04/11/2022 16:03

The stuff I left can't be donated it's probably not appropriate for me to say on here.

Vibrator?

TossieFleacake · 04/11/2022 16:14

@ElderberrySuper8832

Why are you posting this on Mumsnet?
What are you hoping to gain from these posts?
You have asked for people's opinions yet when they are given to you, you get very defensive and quite rude.

What do you want to hear?

This guy isn't interested in a relationship with you. He isn't playing games, or being evasive. He told you outright that he does not want to be with you.
Walk away from him with your head held high and some self respect and go find a man who would like to get to know you.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:04

TossieFleacake · 04/11/2022 16:14

@ElderberrySuper8832

Why are you posting this on Mumsnet?
What are you hoping to gain from these posts?
You have asked for people's opinions yet when they are given to you, you get very defensive and quite rude.

What do you want to hear?

This guy isn't interested in a relationship with you. He isn't playing games, or being evasive. He told you outright that he does not want to be with you.
Walk away from him with your head held high and some self respect and go find a man who would like to get to know you.

He said he doesn't want to date what's wrong with that? Who said he was playing games? I didn't know there was an issue with a person not wanting to be in a relationship.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:05

Name99 · 04/11/2022 15:59

Did he declare his undying love and insist he made a mistake in not wanting to date you ?

Again who cares about him not wanting to date? I'm not talking about us dating. I don't understand why people are still on that.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:06

StarCourt · 04/11/2022 15:54

op you're not going to 'win' on here, at the end of the day you'll do what you do regardless of advice on here.

I'm not going to "win" here? Who said anything about trying to win anything? It seems like people here just like putting words in people's mouths and assuming things.

OP posts:
ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:09

Who said I wasn't talking to any other men? I guess that's what you people assume just because I asked a question about this particular guy. I've been talking to someone else who wants to go on a date. So again please stop making up stuff and assuming things about me just because it's what you 'think".

OP posts:
Gazelda · 04/11/2022 17:14

OP, your posts give the impression that you'd like more from this man. That you hope you can have a relationship with him, but will 'settle' for friendship because it's comfortable with him.

Readers of your posts can see that he doesn't want a relationship. He wants you to move on.

From all you have posted, it looks inevitable that you will end up hurt.

I don't know why he called and asked you over recently, but i really don't think you have a future with him and for your own dignity I think you should wish him well and then block.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:21

Gazelda · 04/11/2022 17:14

OP, your posts give the impression that you'd like more from this man. That you hope you can have a relationship with him, but will 'settle' for friendship because it's comfortable with him.

Readers of your posts can see that he doesn't want a relationship. He wants you to move on.

From all you have posted, it looks inevitable that you will end up hurt.

I don't know why he called and asked you over recently, but i really don't think you have a future with him and for your own dignity I think you should wish him well and then block.

I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I have a lot going on and I have to focus on other things like work and school. If I can have a fwb situation then I'm ok with that. Yes, initially I was upset because he acted as if he wanted to be in a relationship. And I just wish he would have told me upfront that he wasn't looking for that. I'm not sure why people here keep saying he doesn't want a relationship like I don't understand that. I mean I'm not illiterate I get it he doesn't want a relationship.

He's been married before for three years and ended up getting a divorce. I can understand why he may not want to be in a relationship after going through that. But as I've already mentioned I am currently talking to a different guy who has asked me out on a date.

OP posts:
TossieFleacake · 04/11/2022 17:22

@ElderberrySuper8832

You are not reading anyone's posts properly.
It seems as though you are twisting the words of other posters and getting yourself in a bit of a tizz over them.

The resounding advice on this thread is that this man doesn't want a relationship, that it would be difficult to maintain a friendship with him and that you would probably be best to walk away from him.

I don't understand why you are getting so angry with the posters who are patiently responding to you.

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:23

And what about the fact that I've already said twice that I am talking to another guy? Who has asked me out on a date?

OP posts:
flutterbyfly · 04/11/2022 17:32

ElderberrySuper8832 · 04/11/2022 17:23

And what about the fact that I've already said twice that I am talking to another guy? Who has asked me out on a date?

So then why bother starting a thread and arguing with strangers about this guy?

You're protesting too much, and getting unnecessarily aggressive. It's your life, you can do what you like, but you asked for opinions and the majority think you are hurt by this guy's disinterest and trying to keep a connection going.

Have you told him you're "talking to another man" by any chance? It seems like your main point in bringing that up is to prove you're "over" this guy.