I told him this morning that I think we should split up. Did I do the right thing?

[BrandNewWoodenFloors]

At the moment, he is being forced to choose between his friends who really don't like me anymore and me.

All I can see is that, going forward, either they will be making constant choices about whether to invite him to things either with me (as I'm his girlfriend) despite not wanting me there and comprehensively ignoring me, or worse, if I am or without me (as they'd prefer). And he will he making constant choices about whether to go (knowing why I'm not invited when everyone else there is part of a couple and i previously have been included) or whether to be loyal to me.

I'm not speculating about the ignoring or worse. It's already happened on two occasions. There's a bit of 'divide and conquer' going on and testing his loyalties which is unpleasant for both of us. More me than him because I'm the one directly impacted but it will impact on him when he continues to not be invited to things.

He didn't have an answer.

He knows I'm right. He's gone out now to do some stuff for his mum. All he had was, "I don't want to break up with you. I love you," but not a solution to the issue. Because he also knows that splitting up is the solution.

Splitting up isn't what either of us wants but he's already been excluded from a few things he'd otherwise have been invited to and i previously would have been too. I can't see a solution. If he goes without me, I will feel that he has chosen them. One of them actively tried to sabotage the relationship and she will always be part of it. If he chooses not to go, then everyone will know why and I'll be based for stopping him seeing his friends. And I dont want him to have to make that choice. I don't want the negative emotions surrounding it. I don't want the lack of peace and I don't want the drama. For me, him or the decent ones in the group tbh.

Being with me is potentially going to damage some very longstanding friendships and the relationship in the process anyway.

I think we need to split up and then he can continue to have the uncomplicated friendships and social life he previously enjoyed. And we can both avoid drama and unpleasantness.

I've done the right thing haven't I?

Ok...obvious question here.

Why do his friends dislike you? Did you do something?

It’s impossible to comment without knowing what has caused this huge divide between you and his friends. It seems like it must be something pretty significant for a whole group of adults to be making such a stand against one woman? And if it’s nothing significant then that whole friendship group is very, very toxic!!

Not really...

I stood up for myself/us over a situation that had been going on for months (caused by one person) that was ultimately intended to sabotage the relationship and was incredibly disrespectful towards us both. He backed me up because he agreed with me and effectively (and in their eyes) chose me over them. We both stepped back from the group. It was his choice - I didn't ask him to.

I'm being blamed for him stepping back. Obviously, as a man, he isn't capable.of making his own decisions.

I think he thought we'd be allowed to go peacefully. That's not the case.

Certain members are upping the ante on trying to keep him and exclude me. Some have had a go at me publicly. Some, I suspect, are trying to keep a low profile and hope it all blows over eventually.

It's just become an incredibly toxic situation and I want out of it completely but that's not fair on him.

I'm being blamed for him stepping back

By whom? I agree that if he keeps hanging out with them then your relationship is effectively over anyway. It's up to him whether he wants to go for that or not.

If he cut ties with them would you want to stay with him? Have you made that clear to him?

A bit of a clique has emerged in the group which means that the woman concerned is protected and pretty much untouchable.

We're not really sure why that's arisen - we will be the third couple to have exited the group because of this woman and her husband and no one has actually said we are wrong.

The expectation is that we would just put up with it like everyone else does.

But we didnt, which has caused the issue.

The woman concerned is spearheading a bit of smear campaign against me which has caused a couple of people who have no skin in the game either way to turn against me.

It's just become thoroughly unpleasant tbh.

His 'friends' sound awful.

It all sounds a bit schoolyard.

Does he want to stil hang out with the ringleaders? If so, you're right to break things off.

Does he want to hang out with the others, without the ringleaders? (assuming they're up for that). Are they fine with you? Are you fine with them?

Certain members are upping the ante on trying to keep him and exclude me.

He needs to tell them to fuck off - that it’s both of your or neither of you.

You’ve highlighted that it seems they think he cannot make his own decisions, and that you must be the driving force. I’m leaving him and refusing to let him make the choice, you are doing the same.

If he wants to be with you, and he doesn’t want to be friends with them anymore that is a perfectly valid choice.

Can’t you just spend time as a couple with the other outcasts from the group?

*in leaving him.

This sounds familiar, is this a continuation of the group where a woman was being over familiar/touching? He was the musical director and you a soloist (or equivalent for whatever type of group it is)

Obviously his friends will be annoyed he has left the group if it can’t continue without him, not sure why you are getting the blame.

Can’t you just carry on with your relationship, and it’s up to him what he does about his friends?

If he cut ties with them would you want to stay with him? Have you made that clear to him?

I don't want to ask him to do that. One of the men is one of his oldest and closest friends - 30+ years.

My concern is that this friend in particular will be put in a position of having to choose to invite both me and him to things (knowing no one else wants me there); inviting him without me (which would put me and boyfriend in a difficult position); or not inviting him to avoid the situation altogether.

This man knows everything that has happened and understands but he is also in an impossible situation. I don't know what his feelings are towards me personally but I messaged him about something a couple of days ago and he hasn't responded so I can guess...

If I were regarded neutrally, it wouldn't matter but I'm not.

It's not even just this man. There are satellite friendship groups that would also (and have already been) affected by it. Or rather, my boyfriend hasn't been invited to things he otherwise would have been (because hebhas been previously) if it weren't for me.

My boyfriend has lived in the same area his whole life. He and these people have many mutual friends and some lifelong friendships. The impact for him will be far reaching. Most of them won't even know, just that when someone suggests including him, someone else will just not do it because of me.

You said earlier he's an adult man who can make his own decisions. So give him the information to allow him to do that.

He may not take you up on it but that's that.

So you're dumping him for his own good? So you think he can't make up as well?

Make up his own mind.

Sadly, yes...

Not really. They tend to socialise in big couple groups rather than one to one nowadays. He and this man go out for drinks but not very often. They've both agreed they need to do it more often but it's things like, it's this other man's birthday coming up. He always does something as a group with both people from this group and his/my boyfriend's and his wider friendship group.

The woman who caused the trouble will be there as will others who have turned against me.

He'll have to make the choice between inviting both of us, just him or neither of us. I do want him to be in that position. I ex0laijed this to my boyfirned this morning as part of my reasoning and he made it clear that, if he were invited alone, he would he going because they've been friends for such a long time.

I can't really argue against that. I don't want him to feel he has to choose between me and them but he would.

I know I wouldn't be happy with him going knowing both that she'd be there and the reason I wasn't.

In that case i don't think you should break up with him, actually your BF should be standing with you and distancing himself from those "friends" of his

We're not really sure why that's arisen - we will be the third couple to have exited the group because of this woman and her husband and no one has actually said we are wrong.

Initially could you and your partner not just continue a friendship group with the 3 other exiled couples?

It may be that other members of the ‘main’ group would actually like to spend time with the ‘new’ group and a new set up would sort of naturally evolve / Co-exist.

People don’t like change and if it’s not effecting them directly at that moment say nothing. Given an easy alternative, such as also socialising with an alternative group, a new status quo could gently arise without any battle or argument.

Christ who could be bothered with ‘friends’ like that. Life’s too short!

Sounds like your partner needs to break away from this weird toxic little group anyway and grow up a bit
people who only hang out with their old school/teenage friend group haven't fully matured and that's what's happening here. I'm sure your DP is trying to rise above but it's such a toxic weird dynamic that if he doesn't make a stand he's going to be in thrall to his teenage friend group all his life which is sad.
ultimately he needs to see the light himself and impose some boundaries otherwise you're right, your relationship needs to end but it will be his choice not yours.

Because he won't act. He'll just bury his head and hopes it all goes away.

He sees things in isolation. He doesn't want to make difficult decisions and so he doesn't.

Which is, tbh, why we are where we are where we are in the first place. He thought he could ignore a situation and it would go away without him doing anything and, instead, it's just blown up.

Well this is a totally different issue all together. Are there other areas of his life where he is conflict/decision avoidant?

Sounds like the friends situation is a symptom rather than the problem.

I remember your other thread. I'm sorry but not surprised that it has come to this. Take care.

Well...look, are you totally in love and getting married stage and all that stuff? If so, sack the friends. You can make new ones!

This exact thing happened to us, we walked away from them all, a year later we'd forgotten they ever existed.

Different story if he won't sack the friends though...

In his head, he's sacked off the people who caused the problem. But that wouldn't stop him from socialising with them if he were invited even though he acknowledges that I wouldn't he included.

It's not really fair on him to sack off friends he's had for 30-50 years because of this situation. The problem person is pretty much involved in everything.

The only way of removing her/them from my life completely is to walk away from him.

I know that he would return to the group if I weren't here because it's the path of least resistance and, whatever he might say to the contrary, it wouldn't take long for him to resume the friendship with her/them (even superficially, because he doesn't like conflict and unpleasantness.

I'm pretty confident that, by now, he sees me as the issue anyway because I'm the one who's upset the applecart by being the one to stand up to the problem.

We're spending the week together. I'm fully expecting him to return from his mum's and say that I'm the one who is continuing the drama because I'm not letting it go. But that's because he's not considering the wider implications of what is happening because he doesn't want to.

I can't really argue against that. I don't want him to feel he has to choose between me and them but he would.

And he does - you've made that clear by suggesting you break up (and I)

The shying away from difficult conversations/decisions is exhausting and I can see why you'd want to be shot of that to be honest.