I told him this morning that I think we should split up. Did I do the right thing?

[BrandNewWoodenFloors]

At the moment, he is being forced to choose between his friends who really don't like me anymore and me.

All I can see is that, going forward, either they will be making constant choices about whether to invite him to things either with me (as I'm his girlfriend) despite not wanting me there and comprehensively ignoring me, or worse, if I am or without me (as they'd prefer). And he will he making constant choices about whether to go (knowing why I'm not invited when everyone else there is part of a couple and i previously have been included) or whether to be loyal to me.

I'm not speculating about the ignoring or worse. It's already happened on two occasions. There's a bit of 'divide and conquer' going on and testing his loyalties which is unpleasant for both of us. More me than him because I'm the one directly impacted but it will impact on him when he continues to not be invited to things.

He didn't have an answer.

He knows I'm right. He's gone out now to do some stuff for his mum. All he had was, "I don't want to break up with you. I love you," but not a solution to the issue. Because he also knows that splitting up is the solution.

Splitting up isn't what either of us wants but he's already been excluded from a few things he'd otherwise have been invited to and i previously would have been too. I can't see a solution. If he goes without me, I will feel that he has chosen them. One of them actively tried to sabotage the relationship and she will always be part of it. If he chooses not to go, then everyone will know why and I'll be based for stopping him seeing his friends. And I dont want him to have to make that choice. I don't want the negative emotions surrounding it. I don't want the lack of peace and I don't want the drama. For me, him or the decent ones in the group tbh.

Being with me is potentially going to damage some very longstanding friendships and the relationship in the process anyway.

I think we need to split up and then he can continue to have the uncomplicated friendships and social life he previously enjoyed. And we can both avoid drama and unpleasantness.

I've done the right thing haven't I?

That doesn't make sense to me though. I suspect there is something else going on here too.

If she is not the one being ostracised by the wider group, it sounds like you were naive to think that (as a relative newcomer to the group) you could comment on this woman's behaviour and expect no comeback. IMHO, it would have been more sensible to keep your distance from her and only deal with her when absolutely necessary.

If your other half isn't dropping her like a hot cake, it sounds like he doesn't think she is the one being OTT either. If that's a problem to you then yes, you made the right decision to break up.

That's what I intended to do but, like I've said, I'm already being socially excluded both in person because they've (all) managed to comprehensively pretend I wasn't even in the same room as them and more widely by being removed from/uninvited to events I was previously invited to and he hasn't been invited to events in the past couple of weeks, since he announced we were leaving, that he previously would have been. As would I.

And I've had a couple of people confront me with a barage of insults and accusations publicly.

I think everyone has nailed their flags to the mast pretty clearly.

There are more events coming up - with birthdays and Christmas nights out etc.

I don't want to still be dealing with this shit over the coming months either.

He's spoken about us getting married in the future. I'm not entirely sure who we'd actually he able to invite any more! I can think of a couple of people who'd come to support him but I wouldn't much fancy being ignored at my own wedding...

I know that's a bit of a way down the line but that's the trajectory we're on.

Why do I expect this woman will find issue with any partner he has? So he's basically choosing to be single to keep part of the friendship group?

Why have the rest of the group excluded you?

I think you're being melodramatic about it.

He can't fix this now. He's not just plodding on. He just knows he can't fix it.

Such a storm in a teacup. Your declarations sound so wearying.

It's not like you're twenty and his parents hate you. You're old enough to decide if you love each other dearly.

I think you were both overly dependent on this friendship group for it to have become such a sticking point.

It all seems terribly bitchy and if your boyfriend won’t stand up for you, he’s not as much in love with you as he claims. Even if you’re completely in the wrong and deserving of being ostracised, he should either share your position or be clear with you that he also thinks you have mis-stepped. Basically you aren’t compatible.

We had this when we first go together, I stood up to my, now husbands, misogynistic friends and they turned against me.

He stood up for me and they told him they would be fiends with him, but not me. He told them that's not how it works and cut them out.

4 yrs down the line we are now married and have new friends.

If he loves you, then you can work it out and get new friends.

OP give it another couple of weeks at least. The friendship group might actually implode now. Annoying touchy flirter will have to find someone new to fondle once the attention from the scandal dies down. And either she’ll jump ship and find a new group or someone new will join and she’ll latch on to them. You messed up her supply of jealous attention.
Your bf’s friends will probably jump ship and follow him if he stays strong on the not getting the band back together line.

She's only been in the group for 6 months longer than me. I didn't expect anyone to ostracise her. I expected to be able to walk away with no backlash - as many other people have done over the years.

I didn't expect to be ignored by everyone. I don't expect to be shouted at publicly.

Personally I'd stay with DP, tell the other idiots to grow the hell up and stop acting like kids.

To the friends that are staying friendly tell them you understand the predicament they are in and to not worry about inviting you or DP to events, either you both get an invite or neither.

Let everyone else deal with it as their childish brains sees fit

I've read your previous threads too and I think it was doomed to failure from the start - whatever this group is, it's too important in your boyfriend's life for it to have ever been a good idea to start dating one of the members.

I also think he should have acted more decisively as soon as she started the strange behaviour.

I can't see how you can have any respect for him what with all these strange dynamics and his bizarre loyalty to these weird people.

Ugh, it's so bloody juvenile...

He was with someone else when we all first met and she liked his previous partner. So it isn't the case a tall that she would dislike anyone hebwent out with.

She told me, after knowing me for a year or so, that when she first met me, she didn't like because she'd, essentially, weighed herself up against all the other women in the group (her friends!) and all the other wives and decided that she was the most attractive out of all of them.

Apparently, I came along and she felt I threatened that position. When my boyfriend and I got together, he and I think she felt that threat all over again and she spent the best part of the year making an utter nuisance of herself because of it.

God I hate when people say this but honestly…

you sound like hard work.

This is just bonkers, playground stuff. Who cares? Not everyone is going to like you. The whole thing with flirty woman would have been over and done with if you’d just laughed at her. You’ve given her far far too much room in your head and created a whole melodrama.

These people really aren’t thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. This is 90% in your own head, I promise.

Three reasons I think.

1. She has launched an effective smear campaign.

1. They blame me for him leaving the group. Largely reinforced by 1.

1. None of them want to be on the receiving end.

And I've had a couple of people confront me with a barage of insults and accusations publicly

What did they say - what are they insulting you about and accusing you of?

What about your friends OP? Can you socialise as a couple with those more? And your DP sees his friends independently to take the pressure off? You probably need to let go of caring about his friends at all if your relationship is going to work.

It sounds like being passive isn't in your nature, but if your relationship is as good as you suggest (and worth saving), you need to let these people go. Not ideal, but then none of the other solutions are either.

I agree with you.

You are right to end the relationship as nobody needs this level of drama.

Can you find another performance group to join? There are so many choirs, music groups, folk groups, operatic societies, orchestras etc in every area of the UK. I’m sure you’ll be happier to leave this lot behind and move on.

Don’t stay with a man who allows another woman and his friends to be so disrespectful and unkind towards you.

'I stood up for myself/us over a situation that had been going on for months (caused by one person) that was ultimately intended to sabotage the relationship and was incredibly disrespectful towards us both.'

I was in this exact situation years ago with my ex. His brothers girlfriend was a very toxic person and hated that I was fairly new on the scene. We got a slightly better room than she did at an air bnb and she went balistic and turned it into a personal attack on me. We had been together about a year and 3 months by the time it all blew up, but in the end I knew she was never leaving, and unless I wanted to deal with the constant drama I had to leave.

My partner and I stayed together for another 3 months. Christmas was so awkward, I dreaded it for weeks and then his brother didn't go to Christmas Dinner because his gf didn't want to see me/us and I was like nah, this isn't life. We broke up and now I couldn't be happier with my DH. Everyone gets along, just as it should be.

If you've not got a relationship with those near and dear to him, and it's affecting your relationship with each other, is it worth it?

This is 90% in your own head, I promise.

Well not that I wish to disagree with the wisdom of a complete stranger who doesn't know the people involved and hasnt witnessed any of it but that is simply not the case.

Because being ignored for 4-6 hours by everyone on the two most recent occasions wasn't in my head.

Having a couple of people round on me with insults and accusations wasn't in my head.

Being uninvited and removed from events isn't in my head.

Being the only person who has left the group who has received this treatment (including him) isn't in my head.

Us as a couple not being invited to events that a couple of months ago we would have been isn't in my head...

I will accept that there are somethings I might have interpreted differently to someone else because that's just different people and different experiences.

But in my head? No.

Accusing me of forcing him to leave when he obviously (to them) didn't want to. Telling me what "my problem" was. Saying that everyone knows X, Y, and Z but they just put up with it and I thought I was better than everyone else because I wouldn't. That kind of stuff. I walked away before either said much more because I tried defending my position and they just doubled down on theirs. So it was pointless.

I've already joined another one. It doesn't resolve the relationship issue though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t stay with a man who allows another woman and his friends to be so disrespectful and unkind towards you

I think this is the bottom line.

He thinks he has stood by me by walking away because he didn't anticipate the backlash against me.

I told him.when he told that I'd be blamed amd he disagreed with me because it was his decision.

I said that wouldn't stop then blaming me and I was right.

What are the insults and accusations? That doesn’t really make sense in this context. What are they saying you’ve done?

I am wondering a bit (I’ve read the past threads as well) whether you are overreacting to this woman’s behaviour, demanding your BF drop her based on not very much, and the group think you’re a bit of a drama llama.

What has she actually done wrong other than hug him and laugh at his jokes?

Me too.