I told him this morning that I think we should split up. Did I do the right thing?

[BrandNewWoodenFloors]

At the moment, he is being forced to choose between his friends who really don't like me anymore and me.

All I can see is that, going forward, either they will be making constant choices about whether to invite him to things either with me (as I'm his girlfriend) despite not wanting me there and comprehensively ignoring me, or worse, if I am or without me (as they'd prefer). And he will he making constant choices about whether to go (knowing why I'm not invited when everyone else there is part of a couple and i previously have been included) or whether to be loyal to me.

I'm not speculating about the ignoring or worse. It's already happened on two occasions. There's a bit of 'divide and conquer' going on and testing his loyalties which is unpleasant for both of us. More me than him because I'm the one directly impacted but it will impact on him when he continues to not be invited to things.

He didn't have an answer.

He knows I'm right. He's gone out now to do some stuff for his mum. All he had was, "I don't want to break up with you. I love you," but not a solution to the issue. Because he also knows that splitting up is the solution.

Splitting up isn't what either of us wants but he's already been excluded from a few things he'd otherwise have been invited to and i previously would have been too. I can't see a solution. If he goes without me, I will feel that he has chosen them. One of them actively tried to sabotage the relationship and she will always be part of it. If he chooses not to go, then everyone will know why and I'll be based for stopping him seeing his friends. And I dont want him to have to make that choice. I don't want the negative emotions surrounding it. I don't want the lack of peace and I don't want the drama. For me, him or the decent ones in the group tbh.

Being with me is potentially going to damage some very longstanding friendships and the relationship in the process anyway.

I think we need to split up and then he can continue to have the uncomplicated friendships and social life he previously enjoyed. And we can both avoid drama and unpleasantness.

I've done the right thing haven't I?

The new group is smaller and only comprises of married men who are older than me. There isn't so much of a social element to it. I have been out for a drink a couple of times with one and I've met his wife but the whole set up is different.

I didn't ask him to walk away from the group. I anticipated a backlash against me. He didn't and when I warned him it was likely to happen, he denied that it would. And then it did.

Splitting up just seems to me to be the simplest answer.

He's not happy because he's walked away from a group when he didn't really want to.

I'm not happy because I know that's what he did and it hasn't actually improved things for me anyway.

So it was futile.

I didn't know he was going to walk away. He didn't tell me until after he'd made the decision and announced it. It hadn't been discussed. It hadnt even been mooted as an idea and rejected. The seed of the idea hadn't even been sown. It was as much a shock to me as it was to the others.

And yet the others all believe I've been working away behind the scenes, encouraging, manipulating; 'forcing' him to do it because they know as well as I do that he wouldn't have left if it weren't for me stepping back.

Yes, you did the right thing. Split up, walk away, meet some normal people. Presumably you either live somewhere quite small and rural or, worse are deliberately choosing to associate only with oddbods.

gawd grow up all of you - launching a smear campaign cos you are prettier than her? Can you hear yourself?

Yes I can. Although yours is rather a cut and shut take on the situation. That was where it started (I'm not prettier than her. I don't really give a shit tbh but, for some reason she thought so and it was enough for her to admit it was a problem for her) but it certainly isn't where we are now.

I can't control what other people are doing. I'm not ignoring myself, I'm not shouting at myself in public, I'm not removing myself from events and uninviting myself from them.

I turned up to everything I said I would so as not to drop them in the shit, even after all this came to a head. I behaved professionally and did my best. I didn't cause a scene. I haven't badmouthed anyone. I've been as quiet and dignified as I could throughout the whole thing.

When she contacted me to speak about it, I was as respectful and factual as I could be.

Ive been open and honest with him and assumed he'd been similarly with me.

Other than just pretend I was happy with being treated like a fool and disrespected, there isn't really anything else I could have done.

Op sorry but this sounds like some Eastenders trash drama all I'm picturing is a fat Phil Mitchell and his equally trash bag of a wife.

Why are they untouchable are they drug dealers or something like gangsters 🤷‍♀️

Sorry but I would have long walked away from a toxic bunch like these lot sounds as though non of them have grown up and still act like the playground bullies life is far too short leave don't look back with a bit of luck maybe a building will fall down on the lot of them.

This sounds really familiar op. I'm sure I read your other thread. Maybe a link would be helpful as I can't remember the details anymore.

But fwiw and I think I said it at the time it's a whole lot of drama for adults.

I could kind of handle this if my kids came to me with this sort of dilemma. But grown ass adults no.

And I wouldn't have any respect for an adult who didn't/couldn't see the situation for the childishness it is.

Spineless git. He needs to either shit or get off the pot.

And you need to say a heartfelt fuck off goodbye to the whole ruddy lot of them, boyfriend included.

OP the relationship is over....regardless if you walk away now or next year.

The damage has been done and you'll always be resentful towards your partner (can't say I'd blame you ) and eventually he'll feel the same towards you.

He was happy with this group and the female all over him...until you decided you couldn't cope (again I don't blame you )

For your own sanity walk away.

@BrandNewWoodenFloors

You aren't asking him to make a decision, you're making a decision for yourself. So don't take on yourself any 'guilt' or responsibility for his feelings or reaction. Those are on him.

I think it's really pretty simple. You need to take him, her, and the friendship group out of it and simply ask yourself "Is this relationship really making me happy? Is it adding to my life in a positive way? Is this what I want to deal with possibly the next 30 or 40 years?". It doesn't matter who, what, or why, all that matters is whether or not you are happy with things as they are.

Another thing to consider is that his inability to make a decision and stick to it or to be proactive in a conflict isn't going to be limited to this situation. In any situation in which the two of you face conflict or a difficult decision, you will be the one to have to tackle the issue and face any 'fallout'. And in marriage, in parenthood, in dealing with aging parents, there will be a million different issues that will have to be decided or situations that must be defused. Do you want an equal partner in this, or someone you have to drag behind you adding to your load?

You make the decision that works for you.

I completely agree with everything you have said.

In every other respect it foes makes happy. When it's just me and him, I am happy but we don't exist in a bubble devoid of other people. The whole relationship has been tainted by this.

We were supposed to be going out this evening. He's just messaged to say he'll pick me up at 6 like this morning's conversation didn't even happen.

And that's all its ever going to be. Avoidance. Avoid the difficult conversations; avoid the difficult actions; avoid the truth; avoid the decisions. Hope they go away. Do nothing and everything will be alright.

Yes. The damage has been done.

I can't answer, "What do you want me to do?" Because the answer is nothing now. It's too late. There's nothing to be done.

I'm off work this week because it's half term. I haven't got it in me to be thinking and processing and worrying when I'm at work. It's too full on. I need to end it now and give myself a few days before I go back to get my head straight.

I know he's going to be pissed off with me for not going this evening.

But I can't do it. I don't want to do this anymore.

Time to walk away OP. Life's far too short for this angst. He's not got your back.

In every other respect it foes makes happy. When it's just me and him, I am happy but we don't exist in a bubble devoid of other people. The whole relationship has been tainted by this.

But you can exist in a bubble devoid of other people! Or, at least, you can, and he can join you there if he wants to; or you can make new friends somewhere else, and he can join you there if he wants to.

I just don't see why, when it comes to the existing group, he can't continue to have both you and them. What difference does it make? He sees your point, isn't that enough? Friendship groups that have rolled for years often tolerate many quirks from each other, especially in the interests of a joint activity.

Why don’t you just end it completely and move on. All this time your spending prolonging the inevitable is time you could be spending healing from the breakup?

Because the level of disrespect involved was so great really.

He stood by and watched while someone behaved badly to me for months and was, essentially, complicit in it. I believed the words he said to me but what I didn't do was pay close enough attention to his actions otherwise.

It's my fault its still going on. But I believed it when he said he loved me. I believed him when he said he'd been in love with me for years. I believed the reassurances and the promises and the explanations. But what I didn't do was hold him to account.

It was her choice to do what she did. It was his choice to not deal with it and it was choice to not end it when I should have done to begin with.

It's not just a neutral group of his friends who I don't really know. They were mutual friends. In the main as much my friends as his. In some cases more.

What you're suggesting is that I kiss him goodbye and tell him to go and have a good time with people who were previously my friends too. With people, one of whom deliberately tried to sabotage mine and his relationship, and who have all, despite acknowledging what she was doing, turned against me.

He told his old friend that he knew I'd like to speak with him one to one about leaving the group. It's true, I do/did want to. I wanted to thank him for the support he'd given me at various times and I didn't want to leave with any bad feelings. His friend said that would be fine and he'd be happy to meet up with me for a chat. Except that, when I messaged him about it, he ignored me.

It's gone too far. There is no coming back from this. For as long as we are together, they are aocially excluding le amd he is ok with it. Social.excluson is a form of bullying.

I'm not standing around to be 'bullied' or in a relationship with someone who allows it to happen.

I just don't see why, when it comes to the existing group, he can't continue to have both you and them. What difference does it make

Because it's not just about what he wants.

Because I want to be with someone who's got my back.

Because I want to be in a relationship where I'm respected.

Because I don't want to he with someone who'd allow me to be excluded/shouted at/ignored.

Because I don't want to be with someone who can't make decisions who just sits around letting it all happen around them and then claims to be faultless and the injured party because they didn't actually do anything.

Well then you've just answered your own question. Other people on here may be OK with this situation, but you are not.

FWIW I wouldn't stay in it either. A clean break would be my preference.

The Genie is out of the bottle and you can't put it back. The group are offended that you are both walking away.

The only thing I'd wonder about is if the whole group really is against you. It sounds like quite a few people know what she is like.

Could it be that if you gave it time to settle down, it would become more apparent that not everyone hates you and supports her?

Did he challenge the person who shouted at you, (even if they did it when he wasn't there)?

It does sound like a very difficult situation. It sounds a bit like he is an Ostrich and doesn't like confrontation because he doesn't want to make himself unpopular and therefore just hopes it will all die down if he just ignores it.
But I can see why in the long term it would be a problem if he continued to do that.

Let him have his friends and you have yours?

I think you've spectacularly missed the point. He does have his friends and u do have mine. But this situation is far beyond that.

Yes. Quite a few people know what she is like but I'm the only one who had stood up and said anything about it. Ergo, I am the problem.

Losing me from the hobby element of the group would have been problematic. Losing him too pretty much tolls the bell for it. Certainly in its current guise.

They also know that he is non confrontational and so they also know that he wouldn't have left otherwise. Ergo, I made him. Despite the fact I didn't and I didn't actually want him to precisely because I anticipated this backlash against me and he didn't agree it would happen.

Yes, he is a bit of an ostrich and would rather bury his head in the sand and hope it goes away if he does nothing. Unfortunately, that approach caused the situation to escalate out of hand.

Bo. He didn't challenge the person who shouted at me. He won't say anything to anyone if he thinks it will upset them. He's quite happy for me to be upset along the way though. I don't think he would speak in my defence to any of them but his old friend but even then I o ly have his word for it and sofar, he's told me this man fully understands why we left and would be happy to speak with me face to face and one to one about it yet, when I contacted him to arrange it, he ignored me.

So who knows what is the truth any more 🤷🏻‍♀️

I believed it when he said he loved me. I believed him when he said he'd been in love with me for years. I believed the reassurances and the promises and the explanations. But what I didn't do was hold him to account.

I just have a horrible feeling that "holding him to account" is rather ego-driven and controlling. Sorry, I still don't see why it's any business of yours if he continues these long-standing friendships without you in the picture.

That's me though. You're you! Do what feels right for you. But if you seek input from other people, this is mine for what it's worth

How is this still going on? You've been posting about this situation for months! Now he's agreed to step back from the group to be with you and you're still thinking about leaving him? He must feel like he's going crazy.

I've been in relationships where someone is constantly threatening to leave, saying they think we should split etc, and it's an extremely uncomfortable place to be.

Leave him, or let him leave his friends and just be happy with him. Just make up your mind and do it. Stop stringing him and yourself along.

Sorry, I still don't see why it's any business of yours if he continues these long-standing friendships without you in the picture.

Because only one of them is long standing. The others he's known for about as long as me. I have no issue with him keeping the long standing friend. It's the daft this situation will cause difficulties there that I suggested splitting up. I don't want it to become awkward for them.

But the rest of them include the woman who tried to sabotage the relationship and has now embarked on the 'smear campaign'; people who were equally my friend, if not more so, who are now socially excluding me; and someone who shouted at me publicly having believed the smear campaign essentially.

It's not quite a neutral as 'his friends who I don't know'.

Socialising with them would mean him choosing the people who are 'bullying' me, for want of a better description, over me.

He sounds rather weak and spineless.
You say you want a peaceful life and this sounds anything but.