I told him this morning that I think we should split up. Did I do the right thing?

[BrandNewWoodenFloors]

At the moment, he is being forced to choose between his friends who really don't like me anymore and me.

All I can see is that, going forward, either they will be making constant choices about whether to invite him to things either with me (as I'm his girlfriend) despite not wanting me there and comprehensively ignoring me, or worse, if I am or without me (as they'd prefer). And he will he making constant choices about whether to go (knowing why I'm not invited when everyone else there is part of a couple and i previously have been included) or whether to be loyal to me.

I'm not speculating about the ignoring or worse. It's already happened on two occasions. There's a bit of 'divide and conquer' going on and testing his loyalties which is unpleasant for both of us. More me than him because I'm the one directly impacted but it will impact on him when he continues to not be invited to things.

He didn't have an answer.

He knows I'm right. He's gone out now to do some stuff for his mum. All he had was, "I don't want to break up with you. I love you," but not a solution to the issue. Because he also knows that splitting up is the solution.

Splitting up isn't what either of us wants but he's already been excluded from a few things he'd otherwise have been invited to and i previously would have been too. I can't see a solution. If he goes without me, I will feel that he has chosen them. One of them actively tried to sabotage the relationship and she will always be part of it. If he chooses not to go, then everyone will know why and I'll be based for stopping him seeing his friends. And I dont want him to have to make that choice. I don't want the negative emotions surrounding it. I don't want the lack of peace and I don't want the drama. For me, him or the decent ones in the group tbh.

Being with me is potentially going to damage some very longstanding friendships and the relationship in the process anyway.

I think we need to split up and then he can continue to have the uncomplicated friendships and social life he previously enjoyed. And we can both avoid drama and unpleasantness.

I've done the right thing haven't I?

Was your DP present when they said all this to you, or did you tell him afterwards? And what was his reaction?

Did he then approach these people and explain to them that they were mistaken in their views about the situation? In other words, did he stick up for you or not?

Pointless asking really, as I can already guess what the answer is going to be.

Yeah, that's exactly what it's become like only this other woman wouldn't be the sort to not go. Well not without making herself into the victim and about how I was being unkind to her (because she's already tried that one), so yeah, maybe that would be next.

I just can't be doing with the drama.

He says he can't either. It's his avoidance that has caused the drama. But in his head, it's me being bothered by it that is the problem.

You have a very weak partner. When you look at the other couples who didn't put up with it, they voted with their feet and left the group. Your boyfriend isn't strong enough to do that.

If I were you I'd cut my losses, but would write a message to the group to explain why you were ending the relationship.

This whole thing is wild. Actual grown adults getting involved in other’s relationships and excluding them because they don’t like their partner. as well as other people leaving the group because they don’t like the trouble making women. Personally, I don’t like a lot of friends partners, they have no clue, some even think I really like them as I still invite them to things.

He wasn't there at the time so couldn't say anything then.

I told him about it afterwards. He was talking to the wife of the man who had done it at that point and was just the straw that had broken the camel's back. I was nearly in tears and just went up to him and said, 'We need to leave now," she saw I was upset and said to him, "yes, I think you need to leave now," so we did. I didn't want to say anything in front of her because she'd also been ignoring me all night and I didn't know what her position on it was.

He told me afterwards that she felt the same way as we did but it didn't impact on her directly so she is prepared to tolerate it. I don't blame her for that.

He spoke to his old friend afterwards and said that he didn't want anyone blaming me for him leaving and that he has his own mind. His friend agreed. But didn't mention what had happened with this other man.

But you're right. No, he didn't defend me, didn't say what this man had said but he could have. Because he didn't want to cause trouble...

So he's happy for me to bear the brunt of all of it. He hasn't been honest with anyone about why he's left so they are left to fill in their own blanks.

I have wondered whether it's maybe worth getting in touch with this woman given that she didn't seem to be a fan of the troublemaker either/anyway. But I've got to the point wher I don't know who I can trust anymore. Not to keep a confidence. I'm not really fussed who knows the truth now. But even just a sympathetic ear.

Think he needs knew "friends".

I suspect its because her boyfriend thinks she is being ridiculous.

OP, I wouldn't send a message to the group. They will only laugh about it.

What sort of things are being shouted at you? I find that outrageous. Who is shouting and what's being said?

Well that does seem to be how it works in the real world, I'll admit...

Are you the woman who's partner was being heavily flirted with by a woman in a group hobby scenario?

You maybe right.

But hehas agreed with me and offered his own supportive explanations every step.of the way.

It seems to me that maybe he is just incapable of being honest with anyone or holding any position and standing up for it.

He doesn't ant to lose me, he doesn't want to to.lose them, he doesn't want to lose the group. And so instead of actually being honest and letting others make their decisions accordingly, he's just fucking about with half commitments to nothing and prolonging it for everyone.

If he'd told me he thought I was bonkers months ago, I'd have walked away and left him to it.

I either force myself to tolerate an intolerable situation; put up with being socially excluded; turn a blind eye/deaf ear when I'm completely ignored and end up sitting on my own or have a character assignation shouted at me; or I walk away from a man I love.
Not really an enviable position to be in. What would you do?

To be perfectly honest, I would not be wishing "the man I love" was a completely different person (in this case, someone who valiantly championed the righteous).

I'd accept that he has a social world I don't fit in with, and leave him to it.

I wouldn't be expecting him to cut off his entire social network, even if I had no respect for these people myself.

Yes

gawd grow up all of you - launching a smear campaign cos you are prettier than her? Can you hear yourself?

stop being dramatic - you think some of his friends are twats and some of his friends think you are a twat. If you want to go to these 'couple events' then tell your partner you expect him to ensure you aren't excluded and that people will treat you with respect when you go. If he can't or won't do this then you have a decision to make

if you don't want to go to the couple events then let him
make a decision if he wants to go or not

this is crazy in your 40s and 50s - who can be arsed with it - or do
you like abit of drama really?

I think is is the first sensible thing I think you have said. The rest of it is playground drama imo.

Yes, he should have been up front with you if he thought you were being daft. You sound as though you have been totally up front with him throughout. He has done you a disservice if he hasn't been honest.

It seems as though you both have incompatible communication styles. I think you were wise to end it.

I'm not sure how many times I have to say it or whether I'm just not using the right words.

I don't expect him to cut off anything. I haven't expected him to cut off anything. I haven't asked him.to cut of anything and, since he walked away from the group, I've asked him on more than one occasion if he's happy with the decision he's made and that if time to reflect has made him doubt his decision. I told him this morning that, if we split up (as I think we should), he would be welcomed back without question.

I do expect him to be honest with me.

The rest of it is playground drama imo.

I agree. But I've needed to process it all to work out what the issue really was.

They sound like shit friends. If he is torn between you and the friends then you've done the right thing. Find someone better.

Yes, he should have been up front with you if he thought you were being daft. You sound as though you have been totally up front with him throughout. He has done you a disservice if he hasn't been honest.

He has.

He also backed himself into a corner by announcing to pretty much everyone that he was leaving the hobby and, by default, the friendship group. Which I suspected he did at the time to stop himself from going back on it. A bit of the 'lady protesting too much' iyswim.

I don't think he has been honest with me. I know he hasn't been honest with them (apart from the old friend who knows 'everything' according to him 🤷🏻‍♀️), which is precisely why they are filling in the blanks with "she made him do it."

You need to end the relationship because your DP can’t see the problem with the way his friends are behaving towards you. He isn’t going to change and neither are his friends. The only thing you can do is walk away and block them all. Do NOT send any kind of message to explain yourself, just tell him it’s over. They will all know why you’ve left the group and left him. They won’t care.

If you do not want to continue the relationship then leave, but surely whats happening with his friends is his decision? He has walked away from the group with you to back you up but now you want to break up with him and send him back? Sounds like playgroud drama and martyring yourself.

What happened to the other couples that left the group, could you not socialise with them? Make more friends at your new group?

But what are they shouting at you?

This all sounds like so much needless drama! The friend group sounds nuts anyway so just get new friends.

For those asking what others have said to me...

I assumed your dp and his friends must be really young when I read your op, but then you said "30+ years" of friendship!

He does not need this weird group. They sound so childish and dysfunctional.

You do not have to split up over this at all. Friendship groups like these with untouchable group members who are protected by a clique (sweet Jesus 🙄) do not normally last. If you're happy together they really don't get a say.

What would alarm me is him not saying immediately "fuck em" or "what are you talking about? That's mad" when you said you had to split.