I told him this morning that I think we should split up. Did I do the right thing?

[BrandNewWoodenFloors]

At the moment, he is being forced to choose between his friends who really don't like me anymore and me.

All I can see is that, going forward, either they will be making constant choices about whether to invite him to things either with me (as I'm his girlfriend) despite not wanting me there and comprehensively ignoring me, or worse, if I am or without me (as they'd prefer). And he will he making constant choices about whether to go (knowing why I'm not invited when everyone else there is part of a couple and i previously have been included) or whether to be loyal to me.

I'm not speculating about the ignoring or worse. It's already happened on two occasions. There's a bit of 'divide and conquer' going on and testing his loyalties which is unpleasant for both of us. More me than him because I'm the one directly impacted but it will impact on him when he continues to not be invited to things.

He didn't have an answer.

He knows I'm right. He's gone out now to do some stuff for his mum. All he had was, "I don't want to break up with you. I love you," but not a solution to the issue. Because he also knows that splitting up is the solution.

Splitting up isn't what either of us wants but he's already been excluded from a few things he'd otherwise have been invited to and i previously would have been too. I can't see a solution. If he goes without me, I will feel that he has chosen them. One of them actively tried to sabotage the relationship and she will always be part of it. If he chooses not to go, then everyone will know why and I'll be based for stopping him seeing his friends. And I dont want him to have to make that choice. I don't want the negative emotions surrounding it. I don't want the lack of peace and I don't want the drama. For me, him or the decent ones in the group tbh.

Being with me is potentially going to damage some very longstanding friendships and the relationship in the process anyway.

I think we need to split up and then he can continue to have the uncomplicated friendships and social life he previously enjoyed. And we can both avoid drama and unpleasantness.

I've done the right thing haven't I?

This sounds so toxic and pathetic. I'd thought you were both younger until you said he'd known the friends 30-50 years!

He needs to make new friends or you need to break up with him.

Tbh, I'm not asking him to choose.

I know what the answer is. I've said it. He's gone out for a bit now (pre arranged). There isn't an alternative. I'm not going to ask him to choose between life long friends and me (the problem woman isn't a life ling friend but members of this and extended friendship groups are).

I also knew this would be the likely outcome when he told me he was withdrawing from the group too.

All we're doing is kicking the can down the road at the moment. He'll just plan to keep on kicking it down he road and, each time there's an upset or an issue, he'll aim to smooth it over, I'll feel like shit, he'll feel awkward, I'll be increasingly blamed for bringing him down and this is essentially what we're looking at for the rest of our lives and at an age and stage when most other people's lives are settled.

And I will be the only one who is directly affected because I'm the only one being excluded, I'm the only one enjoying the current smear campaign. I'm the only one being ignored and I'm the only one being shouted at.

Everyone else is just carrying as they were.

So I'm not asking him to choose. I've told him we need to split up. And, whilst he hasn't actually responded to that beyond, 'But I don't want us to split up," I don't see that there is an alternative because just carrying on like this and pretending it's not an issue isn't an option for me.

Having read your previous posts OP I think it's time to walk away - surely your DP could socialise with those he's been friends with for years, and stop spending time with the toxic ones of the group? Sorry it's come to this but your DP really needs to make a stand for what's right, and show solidarity with you, even if it means further upsetting the apple cart. I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who wasn't prepared to do that for me.

I think he feels he has shown solidarity by walking away from one aspect of it. But he hasn't considered that this is an ongoing thing; that it isn't just over because we've both stepped back. That might be what he wants but he hasn't considered that other people have their own agendas and will act accordingly. He hasn't considered the longer term implications for each of us individually or us as a couple.

And I think he thinks I'm looking for trouble by bringing it up when we aren't actually in the middle.of something right now.

He wants to plod along day by day enjoying his life with me; go out with them if is is ever invited again safe in the knowledge that he has stood by me but not realising that the choice is a lifelong decision and not one he can flit back and forth from.

surely your DP could socialise with those he's been friends with for years, and stop spending time with the toxic ones of the group?

The way things have gone, he could do but they tend to all get together as couples in a group.

The long standing life long friends plus the newer ones.

He'd be able to meet up with the others for the odd drink but I know from experience of the other side that meeting up in those circumstances is 'tainted' by the knowledge of why its necessary.

If these are friends he's had for 30+ years, then I assume you're both in your 40s/50s at least?

I'm 43 myself and I'm afraid I have neither the energy nor the tolerance for this sort of playground drama at this stage in my life, nor indeed the sort of people-pleasing that your OH should be well over by his age.

It is a shame, but for the good of your health and happiness, I'd walk away from this bin fire, too. Let them all squabble happily among themselves.

Honestly OP, I think it’s a s simple as he is allowing you to be disrespected by these people as he is too much of a coward to sort it out because it would be unpleasant for him and he’d rather stick his head in the sand- he’s thereby saying you are less important than they are.

Dont tell him you need to break up, dump him because he isn’t worthy of you and you deserve better.

I agree that you should move on, he should be man enough to sort it out, and he hasn’t.

I just can't get past the thought that if he'd dealt with it properly right at the beginning, we wouldn't even be in this situation now.

And, if I'm honest, I am sightly resentful of that. But his preferring to do nothing and hoping it would blow over (which is exactly what he's doing now) backfired massively.

When we spoke this morning, he said very little but he did ask what I wanted him to do about it now and what I want. I don't have an answer for that. I want to be regarded neutrally. None of the other people who've left have been treated the way I have. I want to he in a situation where we can be in a room together and at least be civil to each other for the greater good - but they've already shown that that can't/won't happen.

And there is nothing he can do now. It was allowed to go on for too long. He said that he'd say something directly if it became necessary only he didn't and then I was put in a position where I had to say something which is why we are where we are now.

The whole situation is just broken and I don't see any way of repairing it. Or even coming back from the conversation we had this morning.

It looks to me like you are forcing his hand. Damned whatever he does. I suggest you walk away and leave him to it. It all sounds incestuous and toxic to me

I'm late 40s. Most of the others are around 10 years older.

I agree that I just need to walk away.

I just feel so sad about it because the whole thing was avoidable. And could have been dealt with by him right at the beginning without any lasting impact.

I can't be doing with it either.

It's just completely disturbed the peace of my life. I don't doubt that he loves but he is a people.pleaser and doesn't want to upset anyone (else) so I think he was just hoping I'd put up and shut up ultimately.

Which is why I think I'll ultimately be blamed by him too because the issue isn't seen as the troublemaker's behaviour but by me having an issue with it.

In my experience, no-one ever really actually 'turns other people against' someone. People decide for themselves that they do not like that someone whether or not their mate likes or dislikes that person. People can tell what is true and what isn't. They are not mindless drones following a mythical queen bee (and who actually would do that in a group of adults?), despite the many playground mum memes on here.

So the situation is that your boyfriends friends do not like you. You have given your boy friend an ultimatum - his friends, or you.

I'm not going to ask him to choose between life long friends and me (the problem woman isn't a life ling friend but members of this and extended friendship groups are).

Yes, you HAVE asked him to choose. That is exactly what you have done. You have dressed it up here but that is what is happening.

If you wanted to split up with him you can walk away now and you would post "I left my bf because his friends hate me and I didn't want him to feel awkward". But no, you are playing games to make him choose you.

The simple, adult answer is that he sees his friends that you don't like and who don't like you, without you. That is what a non-controlling partner would do.

If no one else has an issue with this other woman's behaviour, are you sure it's not you that is in the wrong?

I'm not forcing his hand. He's had choices and has afted upon his own choices from the start.

That has created an incredibly toxic situation for me. It's my hand that is being forced.

I either force myself to tolerate an intolerable situation; put up with being socially excluded; turn a blind eye/deaf ear when I'm completely ignored and end up sitting on my own or have a character assignation shouted at me; or I walk away from a man I love.

Not really an enviable position to be in. What would you do?

Oh my word, is this shenanigans still going on? I remember your previous threads and your dp, the spineless fence-sitter extraordinaire who hates conflict and doesn't want to upset anyone, but doesn't seem to mind if it upsets you.

YES, YOU HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING.

I read your other posts OP and I do think you need to break up. If you can't find a way to get on with his friends then it's never going to work.

If he has not already done something then he isn't going to. Is this playground stuff you are making up OP because honestly it reads badly.
Unless you explain what happened giving details nobody will understand what has happened but he clearly from what you have already said is not about to put anything right.
If you stay with him will you be excluded from the social group? Will he still socialise with these people?
Leave is my advice. Surely you are better than this ???

I'd he's the sort of person that struggles to remove toxic people from his life then you qre wise to break up. It shouldn't even have become this big issue so even if he 'chooses' you now...it's too little too late.

He isn't in place for relationship as his boundaries are not healthy. Who is to say he couldn't choose more toxic friends further down the line, and by that point you're stuck because there is marriage and kids.

Not only this, but he is reluctant to defend you against people it seems. He has proved himself a coward. And by not choosing, he HAS chosen.

So yes, id day you are right to call it a day.

Can I just say, that I have a relationship with my partner and he has friends I don't ever see or really know but that does not stop us from enjoying life together and never really has. They are not on my radar as friends because I don't know them and it does not affect our life at all in any way.

They do have an issue with her behaviour. Two other couples have also left the group because of her and, I recently discovered, that there were a couple of men who were part of the group before I joined who also left because they didn't like her.

Other people have told my boyfriend (cos they're no longer speaking to me...) that they don't like her either but her behaviour is just irritating/annoying to them and doesn't actually impact on them directly - she hasn't targeted them personally. They just witness her behaviour. That is people both within and outside of this particular group.

The man who is my boyfriend's old friend has made it clear that this woman and her husband are pretty much untouchable and, on balance, the benefit the others get from the group overall is greater than the negative impact of her behaviour.

But she is very thick skinned, clearly not averse to playing dirty and, for some reason, untouchable.

OP, calm down, it’s only been a few days right? Give the friendship group time to twitter on a bit and find a new equilibrium.
You and your bf leaving the performance group was always going to create ripples. You need to give things more time to settle before making any more decisions.

Yes that is true of us also. But it not seeing people you don't know is very different to this situation.

Oh god who gives a shit
what do you want from him
why do you give a shit what anyone else thinks if you’re both happy? If he’s backing you up?
if not, obviously that’s a different matter but your first few posts sounds like he’s happy to ditch the trouble makers?

if he wants to be with you the options are to resolve the situation
and if that doesn’t work then he has to ditch them, and you should never be excluded

saying I don’t want him to choose us stupid, you’re not making him choose by just existing, they are, just by causing an issue.
But if you break up you’ve forced the choice

im assuming the issue is an ex.
Honestly if he’s been friends for 30-50 years, then you must be 50+ and I just think it’s so cringe this is even such a schoolyard issue that you’re all having and I’d probably leave him for that alone.

@BrandNewWoodenFloors

It's just completely disturbed the peace of my life. I don't doubt that he loves but he is a people.pleaser and doesn't want to upset anyone (else) so I think he was just hoping I'd put up and shut up ultimately

This is the thing with so-called 'people pleasers' - they're generally very keen to be 'thought well of' by certain people and will bend over backwards to appease them, but it often comes at the cost of the people they're actually supposed to care about, such as partners/spouses/children etc.

As I get older, I have decided that 'people-pleaser' is actually just another word for 'conflict-averse egomaniac'.

If your partner actually wants to be with these people he's probably not worth staying with anyway.