I told him this morning that I think we should split up. Did I do the right thing?

[BrandNewWoodenFloors]

At the moment, he is being forced to choose between his friends who really don't like me anymore and me.

All I can see is that, going forward, either they will be making constant choices about whether to invite him to things either with me (as I'm his girlfriend) despite not wanting me there and comprehensively ignoring me, or worse, if I am or without me (as they'd prefer). And he will he making constant choices about whether to go (knowing why I'm not invited when everyone else there is part of a couple and i previously have been included) or whether to be loyal to me.

I'm not speculating about the ignoring or worse. It's already happened on two occasions. There's a bit of 'divide and conquer' going on and testing his loyalties which is unpleasant for both of us. More me than him because I'm the one directly impacted but it will impact on him when he continues to not be invited to things.

He didn't have an answer.

He knows I'm right. He's gone out now to do some stuff for his mum. All he had was, "I don't want to break up with you. I love you," but not a solution to the issue. Because he also knows that splitting up is the solution.

Splitting up isn't what either of us wants but he's already been excluded from a few things he'd otherwise have been invited to and i previously would have been too. I can't see a solution. If he goes without me, I will feel that he has chosen them. One of them actively tried to sabotage the relationship and she will always be part of it. If he chooses not to go, then everyone will know why and I'll be based for stopping him seeing his friends. And I dont want him to have to make that choice. I don't want the negative emotions surrounding it. I don't want the lack of peace and I don't want the drama. For me, him or the decent ones in the group tbh.

Being with me is potentially going to damage some very longstanding friendships and the relationship in the process anyway.

I think we need to split up and then he can continue to have the uncomplicated friendships and social life he previously enjoyed. And we can both avoid drama and unpleasantness.

I've done the right thing haven't I?

Honestly, this sounds like way too much drama to be bothered with and if your partner wants to continue being friends with them it sounds like you're better off out of the relationship anyway.

Tbh this is the third thread at least of yours i’ve read going back months and each one is filled with declarations of being done and it being over and how you can’t handle the drama, along with lengthy outpourings of how terrible the woman is and how awful the boyfriend is. Frankly she sounds like a twat and was being silly with all the flirting etc but honestly the way you’ve reacted it’s like she had an affair with a long term partner, not that she is a silly competitive idiot who played you like a fiddle because she was jealous.

Is she an idiot? Sure. But you seem so overwrought about this and have been for months. You could have just laughed at her and her attempts to wind you up but instead you’ve played your role in the drama and predictably it’s blown up. Just because you could see it coming doesn’t mean you didn’t play your role.

I had quite a lot of sympathy for you previously but this is ridiculous madness and I think you, him and her are all as much to blame for this as each other - and if the rest of these am dram wankers (or whatever your performance stuff is) are behaving this way I can only think you’re all a load of immature drama queens.

I predict this will carry on for many more months because despite your constant declarations you’re NOT prepared to walk away, you’ll keep trying to get everyone to see it your way and this other woman will play her role too because she clearly enjoys it. Take a read of the drama triangle stuff and how all three of you are merrily switching places on it.

It all sounds exhausting and you should block him and get on with your life. But you won’t.

OP wants revenge. It is pure narcissistic rage.

That is why she is still obsessing over how badly treated she has been. She can't leave now until she has broken up the hobby group and she is so obsessive that she spends her life plotting how to make it happen.

I think I get it now.

This other woman has been trying to cause discord between you and your DP for a long time, hasn't she? She has the upper hand now.

So if you split up with him and walk away, she wins.

And that explains your reluctance to finish it once and for all.

This group sounds like a bunch of mean teens. It definitely does not sound like grown men and women. Goodness! They don't even have the maturity of 12 year olds. Why would you even want to be with this guy when he isn't man enough to even stand up for you against these 'immature children". 😒

OP, I remember your previous posts - I recognised this straight away.

If my recollection is correct, you walked away from the group and effectively walked away from the relationship too. You thought everything had ended and that your DP popped up saying that he hadn't been fair to you, and that he'd been avoiding dealing with it all but he loved you and didn't want to lose you so he had left the group too. You had walked away, fully expecting to have walked away from the relationship but he decided you meant more to him that membership of a hobby group.

And now here we are.

For me, the crux of the issue is that your DP is willing to socialise with a woman who's publicly destroying your name. He knows the pain she's caused you in the past, and he knows that she's the reason that you've been ostracised from the group socially. He's also willing to continue to socialise with other friends who have taken her side and cut you out.

For me, that's end game. He can go. This isn't about having separate friends - this is about him being passive yet again and not standing with you. He's happy to be chummy with people who are actively hurting you. That's absolutely not the actions of a supportive partner.

I think you're actually being too kind to him. You should be angry with him. You absolutely have the right to expect that he won't be socialising with people who are being unpleasant to you, and trying to hurt you. He doesn't have your back and he's doing exactly what you said a while ago which is burying his head and pretending nothing is wrong. Which is how you got into this in the first place - if he'd nipped it in the bud with her, you wouldn't be in this position now. You may love him but he's a weak man and he won't ever have your back.

Any man who willingly smiled and socialised with a woman/men/group of people who were attacking me and being unkind to me in general would be out of my life. He's not the man you thought he was. I remember that you said you wouldn't bother with relationships again and that would be a shame. But I think I'd be happier on my own than with someone who's willing to break bread with people who are deliberately hurting me.

Reading your replies hurts my head. I think you need to start owning what you've done. You DID make him leave the group, because the only way you would stay with him is if he does that. The reason it got to that point is because he's as useful as a bloody chocolate teapot when it comes to supporting you and standing up for you.

So own what you did, and accept that it was the right thing to do. Further to that, recognise that he failed to handle leaving the group properly, and has been so fucking wish washy about it that the group rightfully recognise that it's not his doing because he'd never stand up to them on his own.

This is not a man who will EVER have your back. He's a useless arsehole that is happy for you to be hurt as long as everyone else stays "happy". Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Stop telling him that you SHOULD break up and just kick him to the curb and tell him to fuck off. He's put you in such an awful position that there is a group of people in your small town that will always treat you badly from now on. HE did this to you. Get ANGRY with him and get some dignity and tell them ALL to fuck off and leave you alone.

Well if it is just one old friend then why can’t he choose you. Ditch those friends, still see his oldest friend sometimes and have you, the woman he wants to marry! They sound like shit friends anyway - the bitch and all the idiots too scared of her.

Chuck him out and find a new group of friends. Your going around in circles. I too read your previous posts and felt sad for you about your useless bf, but now I am finding you annoying. Just get rid of them all (every single one including your bf) and move on. Lifes too short.

Op

This is a test . You're testing him . To see who he chooses

Does he have to choose ?

I would always choose friends . You're risking your relationship- gambling .

It's possible for him to still see you and have a friendship group outside of you you know ?

And if that's not what you want- the do what you've said and split.

@BrandNewWoodenFloors, I too recall your previous threads. I’m sorry that he has once again let you down. His pattern is clear. He’s never going to move out of his comfort zone to champion your relationship.

You’ve been doing yourself a disservice by allowing this to drag on.

Flirt Woman’s thirsty moves on BF and contemptuous behavior toward you have been appalling. Although he claimed discomfort and said he would definitively shut her down, he never followed through. Ignoring her didn’t work. He left it for you to address the situation when FW questioned you in July, and he swerved backing you up when she messaged him for verification. Aware that you’d leave the hobby if one more incident occurred, he allowed her to sidle up and wrap her arm around his waist.

You did indeed leave and he surprised you by following suit. He didn’t foresee the backlash targeted at you, which is all down to his past and current avoidance/inaction. Where was he when you sat alone twice for 4-6 hours? It speaks volumes that he hasn’t contacted the boor who yelled at you to set him straight or FW who is behind the smear campaign. Where is his backbone and sense of justice?

This coward is not worthy of you.

@AcrossthePond55 I knew it was you straight away.
I've read your previous threads and you've been given advice.
And yet here you are again.
If I didn't know you where all 40 plus,I would have said you where al young adults.
And this was your first relationship.

Seems to me nobody grew out of the playground bullying stage.

You need to put your own mental health first.
He'll never have your back.
Finish it, enjoy your new group and completely forget about the tossers.

Crikey OP, sorry, your thread is a little long and I’ve not yet had a coffee but I’ve skim read most of it and I think I’ve got the gist.

Firstly, I can’t believe this is behaviour coming from 40/50 year olds. When I first started reading I assumed maybe early 20’s as it just all seems completely like playground childish behaviour.

I think I understand your feelings, you’ve been bullied and ostracised by the group who are trying to now cause divisions between you and your DP by welcoming him back to the group whilst making it clear you never will be, yes?

Do you want to split with your DP? I feel like you really don’t but maybe your self esteem is on the floor and you’re feeling a bit self pitying right now. If the relationship is worth it obviously don’t end it due to some ridiculous peer pressure from a group of people that have shown themselves to be arseholes.

The most important thing is for you and your DP to be a united front. He needs to lead this and speak to the “ring leader” woman and tell her she’s an embarrassment for engaging in petty, childish behaviour towards you and she needs to cut it out. Ideally, he needs to do it loudly and in front of the rest of the group. Then, just keep going to the group events and bloody ignore her and speak to the decent people there. Your DP should not be going without you now until things have improved. There’s no need for him to lose long standing friendships over this and I think you just need to calm down with all the drama. Who cares if a couple of people don’t like you? Just don’t bother with them and focus on the ones who do.

I'm struggling to have any sympathy really. You've done exactly what you'd been advised not to several times over a multitude of previous threads on the matter, and now it's playing out into her hands in exactly the manner you were advised it would do.

Why do you keep coming on here and posting a new thread with a new username and trying to disguise it slightly each time? Just post updates in the existing threads so people can see the whole back story please.

I knew it! I knew this was really familiar. Do you have links?! It's doing my head in as I only vaguely remember.

And honestly it's hard to give advice when you've only got half the story.

I've already asked op but I'm guessing she's not keen..?

I think you're mixing me up with the OP of this thread?

I am and I'm sorry for that.

This sounds like a 'mobbing' which is a form of group bullying and psychological violence that is relentless until the victim leaves. People continue to side with the mob because they are afraid it will turn on them otherwise. This situation can cause great harm to the victim - you should seek out help and support for yourself.

While this woman sounds like a PITA, I think you've let it affect you and your relationship too much.

Not quite the same situation, but I was part of a group of women that socialised together. One of them was annoying. She acted like she knew it all and was just too bossy for my liking.

I know other people in the group felt the same, but none of them would say anything to her. They said it behind her back and I personally wasn't going to take it. I wasn't going to allow her to speak to me the way others did, so I pulled away from the group.

I'm still friendly with a couple of them..I didn't let it affect my friendship with them, but I had no desire to interact with this one woman who everyone else excused out put up with the behaviour.

I did it in such a way that she doesn't even know I don't like her. I only told one other person in the group that I can't stand her and that person is close to both of us.

I deleted her number from my phone, I blocked her on FB and I left the group chat without any drama.No announcement...I just did it quietly.

She actually messaged me when I had a bereavement to pass on condolences and I didnt know it was her, because I'd deleted her..I had to ask who it was.

I didn't need to confront her, or pull her up on her nonsense...I just kept my distance. She's the one who would take charge of organising nights out, so the others wouldn't fall out with her.

You say your BF could have handled it better, but so could you.

You've allowed this whole thing to consume you.

No probs. I've done it too.

Going to be honest, this all seems a bit trivial and like the answer is extremely obvious. If I was in your BFs position, these are people I wouldn’t want to associate with.

Consider this, say you leave- who’s to say this friend group won’t do the exact same thing with his next GF? It’s happened to other partners in the group so its not out of the real of possibilities. You’d be denying yourselves happiness which is clearly what his manipulative friends want.

You can’t force him to make any decision, and by breaking up with him you’re not allowing him to come to a decision with you, as a team should. It will feel like he’s left without any support if he does choose to leave his friends. If he does choose them then I would understand wanting to break up/refuse to hang with his friends because they’re obviously not looking out for you.

And finally, the amount of time you’ve had someone as a friend doesn’t determine their value in life. I’ve been friends with people for 10+ years that I’ve had to cut contact with because people change and we weren’t compatible any more. Its a fact of life. If your BFs friends aren’t supportive then maybe it is time for a change, but that goes for you as well when you choose to be unsupportive of him during his time of need.

He won't act. He'll just bury his head and hopes it all goes away.
He sees things in isolation. He doesn't want to make difficult decisions and so he doesn't

I was wavering until you added this, but now I totally understand why you said it's all just too much, and too late anyway

As a couple you can do nothing about others' behaviour, but either you're genuinely together on your response to it or you're not - and he clearly isn't

If it isn't this issue it'll soon be another one, so personally I think you're doing the right thing to move on

In all my near 60 years I have never heard of such drama with adults.

It is a mixture of a ghastly soap and an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

You are many months in with nothing but stress and annoyance to show for it.

He is beyond unattractive in his creepy weakness and denial.

I honestly don't know how anyone could find such a lack of character appealing.

He is a perfect example of the worst mentality that can result from never moving 5 minutes from where you were born.🙄

You have 100% done the right thing.

Do not waste another 5 minutes on this ridiculous drama.

Let them have him.

All this moronic attachment to 30-50 year old friendships with people who clearly don't really care.

Like some creepy red neck cult.

I have several long standing friendships but shed 90% of my childhood ones, like most grown ups🙄.

What you share in common with a friend at 15, isn't always going to be the same at 55, 40 years later.

People change, evolve and often not in the same direction.

"Reasons and seasons", nothing wrong with them, but people change as they age.

Any school reunion will show you this.

OP, your life will never have peace with such a poor excuse of a man.

He has zero moral fibre.

And he isnt a nice person.

He wants to keep everyone happy except you.

He allowed you to be shouted at?
Without challenging it?

This is who he is....a weasel man.

Leave him to his ilk who shout at people in public🤢.

Life is too short for this shit🙄

He is a perfect example of the worst mentality that can result from never moving 5 minutes from where you were born.🙄
@billy1966 I always enjoy your posts but I think that ^ has to be one of your most superb statements ever 🤩