Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

[Boatinggirl27]

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

@Purplecatshopaholic I am very insecure. I’m so scared of being hurt again. That’s why I ramble on and on on here. I
really not a bad person I know I did wrong g in snooping.

Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

He calls me my first name and his last as he’s told me he wants to marry me eventually.

So he uses the same ol cheesy lines - dangling the carrot of marriage/exploiting what he thinks is women's response to "cutsey" references to commitment, coupledom and marriage - with every women he's flirting with.

He clearly thinks women are marriage
/Commitment obsessed and referring to it is a very good way to court, flirt with and "hook" them.

It's pretty chauvinist. It's pretty manipulative. And I don't find people who refer, even jokingly to big serious commitments, very early and very lightly, to be trustworthy or mature.

I've seen guys do this before and they were absolute dicks. They're chauvinist/misogynist and think women can always be hooked and manipulated by dangling commitment. They do it totally inappropriately early on. Thread nothing in it, it's meaningless. It's a conquest technique. Very insincere and immature.

Why did his marriage break down?

A marriage breakdown is not something to be dismissed lightly.

You rarely get the true story.

Don't worry about snooping.

Snooping is often justified and useful.

You've found out he's lying making out you're the only one he's thought about romantically etc since his split with his wife. You've found out he uses the same lines (quite manipulative, using the idea of formal committment and coupledom as a carrot/tool) on other women too.

It's a useful insight into his character.

It's early days, you're still getting to know him. And you had better get to know anyone youre investing in very very well before you do so.

@LemonDrop22 his ex left him and their four children for someone else. She doesn’t have a relationship with the children, bar the youngest thru a court order but it’s not going well.

We don't know what happened in their marriage though.

Why is she having to go through court to see her child?

Anyway, a divorce (is he divorced yet?) single Dad of 4 kids, with a complicated, contentious relationship with his ex (and similar between her and the kids)!!!

It's a bit of a cluster fuck.

Is he older than you?

Do you have any kids?

Maybe you're selling yourself short hitching your wagon to him

This is the sort of situation that many women romantically, saviour/martyr, oh so tolerant and supportive and understanding etc run into when they should actually be taught to run in the other direction.

@LemonDrop22 I have fairly accurate idea what happened as I was involved as a family friend. I know you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors tho. When she left she stopped visiting. Never saw the children for nearly a year and my partner had done a great job getting them all back on track and in routines. Two are adults by the way but lived at home when it happened. Then late last year she tried to get access via a court order for the younger two, the elder two as adults want nothing to do with her. She ended up with a few hours a week with the youngest but they hate every minute of it. My partner never bad mouths her snd sticks to the order and makes them available but not sure how long it will last as in s year or so they will be old enough to say they don’t want to go.

Then late last year she tried to get access via a court order for the younger two

Why had she had to go to court to get access to the younger children??

Why didn't they arrange it between themselves?

She ended up with a few hours a week with the youngest but they hate every minute of it. My partner never bad mouths her

How do you know they hate it then?

Are you saying they told you directly they hate it? Do he's introduced you to them within 9 months of dating?

"So

@LemonDrop22 she literally disappeared for nearly a year. My partner never stopped her coming to the marital home. Then out of the blue he got a letter taking him thru courts.

and sticks to the order

Why did she have to get a court order to see her kids?

She spent money applying through the courts to see her kids even though he never ever stopped her coming to the house to see her kids, never denied her access, and would not have?

All she had to do was contact him and arrange to see them, but she went to court to get an order?!!

@LemonDrop22 I’ve known his children since they were born as I’ve known his family nearly 30 years. They know me well. Yes the youngest is struggling with contact he sees her once a week and gets really unhappy about it his three siblings don’t have contact with her.

As a family friend (?)

But not as his partner.

But I take it he's introduced you as his partner this time/already?

@LemonDrop22 yes they knew me as a friend of their family and now they know me as dads girlfriend.

You literally sound like a teenager. I hope he runs because you seem unhinged.

My partner never stopped her coming to the marital home.

Did he stop her from taking them to her home or elsewhere?

I simply can't understand why she would apply through the courts to get access to her kids if he was always open to her seeing and having contact with her kids? Why would she spent the money and time and out up.with the hassle if she could simply maje arrangements with him?

@LemonDrop22 there are a lot of complex issues with the person their mother is now with which is very outing. Yes a letter arrived out of the blue asking my partner to allow CAFCASS involvement which is did. They assessed everything, took into account the new partner and a court said she had a few hours a week to see the youngest.

They couldn’t go to her home due to her partners issues. My partner never stopped her coming to their home, never stopped her taking them anywhere. She just stopped.

His marriage broke down 2 yrs ago, he's been in a relationship with you for 9 months, so he's gotten into a relationship, and introduced a family friend as his partner to his kids, (including young kids, who've been left by their Mum who didn't see them for a year, then suddenly expected to see her) 13 months after marriage break up?

And he's talking about marrying you eventually (which he also joked about with the woman he was flirting heavily with during the 13 months) within 9 months?

Some people need to learn how to take a step back and put their kids stability first. Imho he shouldn't have introduced you yet.

In general his situation is a bit of a mess, I don't like his flirtation/courting "methods".

Have you got any kids yet?

They assessed everything, took into account the new partner and a court said she had a few hours a week to see the youngest.

Where?

They couldn’t go to her home due to her partners issues. My partner never stopped her coming to their home, never stopped her taking them anywhere.

What does "couldn't" mean?

Your partner wouldn't let her take them to her home with her new partner?

I suppose she didnt want to hang around either his home (and he introduced a new partner after 13 months, a month after she got back in contact) or hand around public places.

Is that why she went to court for access he didn't control?

Still trying to get my head around the court order she sought given she apparently had full access if she wanted it.

I have a grown up son who doesn’t live at home.